Ramblings Of A Confused Mind

2011-10-09T23:18:00.000+02:00

Well I wrote your name and burned it,
See the color of the flame.
And it burned out the whole spectrum,
As if you were everything.
Mine just burned gold,
A normal flame.
I am not anything.

Brand New - Untitled One

My second mind has this song on repeat.

I will not surrender, nor will I admit defeat.

You have not won.

I will not let you win.

2011-09-18T21:45:00.000+02:00

O’er my sins thou sit and moan:
Hast thou no sins of thy own?
O’er my sins thou sit and weep,
And lull thy own sins fast asleep.

William Blake

Slowly

2011-08-09T19:33:00.000+02:00

Slowly

(or was it so fast that she did not notice?)

He ate her every resistance

Her futile attempts to avoid

His humble observations

Resulted in a crash of colossal proportions

Eventually,

Nothing but dust remained

Of all she had ever loved or created

Or owned or desired

And, left with him only

She began to die

Slowly

2011-08-09T19:23:00.001+02:00

"After all, tomorrow is another day."

Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

I choose happiness

2011-05-01T16:52:00.007+02:00

Bella Notte

Oh, this is the night, it's a beautiful night
And we call it bella notte
Look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes
On this lovely bella notte

Side by side with your loved one
You'll find enchantment here
The night will weave its magic spell
When the one you love is near

Oh this is the night, and the heavens are right
On this lovely bella notte!

Lady and the Tramp – Disney

The beauty of life is in spending it with those you love.

For me, it does not matter where.

“I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes,

then I met a man who was dead”

Persian proverb

These are moments which may never be repeated,

do not waste them wishing , longing you were elsewhere.

It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away.

Coldplay – Strawberry Swing

And they say life is what you make it. They are right. There is one secret in life, and that is that, with very few exceptions, only one person holds the key to your happiness. And that person is you. You hold the sole power to decide how you feel, how you are… If we hold an internal locus of control, external circumstances are limited in their ability to touch us.

I forgot, I let go of control, I let it all get the better of me.

Sometimes the best advice is hidden in the advice we give to others.

So I have decided…

I choose happiness.

darkness

2011-04-17T23:42:00.000+02:00

Darkness swallows
My tears
But why won't it take my fears?
They swallow me instead.

but

2011-03-17T23:47:00.000+02:00

Slowly
Glance
Out of one eye
One toe forward
Retreat
One step
One and a half forward

Hesitant
Afraid
Wary

Trust me
I will look after you

but

How will she know this one is for real?

.

2011-03-09T16:56:00.000+02:00

I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down no I am not gonna let this get me down I am not I am not going to I am not I am not gonna let this get me down no no no no I am not gonna let this get me down no I will not I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down .......

.... besides that's what they want anyway
to see me down

I need

2011-03-04T20:59:00.000+02:00

I need time to sit and think.
my world has become identical days strung together
and time ticks by

have I changed at all in six years?

maybe I have done full circle on myself.

I need to sit and talk this out

I need to write poetry
if it's pretty it will free me
I need to carve something beautiful
out of my confusion
and re-feed it back into my brain
to give me a better outlook
I need.

a voice

2011-03-01T23:50:00.000+02:00

I have been sworn to silence, my world. I am a bird who cannot sing. will you listen to me, blank pages? empty world? will you hear the weight of my heart, help me lighten it? I am not strong enough to hold it all up on my own... I need someone to listen, but I need someone who will understand.

maybe only my own ears are suitable to hear my mind spoken out loud.

if and if not

2011-03-01T23:42:00.000+02:00

where honesty is a policy best left unpursued, life can become a meaningless void of things almost said, of heavy sensations in the chest, of ill feelings disguised as normal behaviour, silent resentment, and the sometimes slow process of forgetting.

"I expected friendship from my friends
How mistaken were my notions of these trends.
When will the tree of friendship bear fruit?
I have planted seeds of many strains & blends." hafiz

if and if not

2011-03-01T23:39:00.000+02:00

sometimes

2011-02-13T23:31:00.000+02:00

when you love someone enough...
their enemies become yours.

2011-01-19T20:28:00.001+02:00

Day one

Feel like I've travelled halfway across the world in the last month. The rains in Queensland, snow in Tehran, desert in Dubai. There's still nowhere like home.

First day of real work and everyone seems relaxed. What a relief. Have my own office and I'm working under the boss. I can see life stretch out in front of me though and I know already I could not do this forever. I have aspirations. My end goal I know but I'm still working out which stepping stones are solid.

This year will be crazy. I'm still reserving the making of my new years resolutions. Gonna need them as my ace card. Got hdip dissertation and law school/ board exams and The job. Let's just hope I soldier on as usual and don't let it affect me... I want to be the best i can be at what I have chosen to do, not just mediocre.

These things in life I won't sacrifice
My family including my boy
My real friends
My dreams
My future
My education
My time

I am doing this to learn, not just about the trade but about myself and what I want and like.

I drafted two summons and a will, sat in on a consult and worked on a legal opinion.

Beautiful African sunset on the way home, after the worst rains ever... The sun revealed itself as a blazing ball of burn, the sky was streaked with purple strokes... Perfect ending

2011-01-19T20:22:00.000+02:00

Trip to the Randburg Mag Court only to find the file we need is not filed, and the woman behind the counter rudely tells us that she will not look for it, loose files are not her deal. Welcome to South Africa. Watching our associate not blink upon hearing this, whilst knowing her client will again be disappointed having waited half a year already just to have their default judgment effected inspired RESOLUTION ONE:

Patience. Elaboration to follow.

Next we visited the HUGE law firms to serve a pleading. Huge yes. Beautiful, impressive, wow. Do I wish I was working there? I don’t know, certainly it was my dream and my vision. If I considered it for two minutes it was eradicated by the next visit.

The advocates chambers… not in grimy central Joburg but the classiest part of Sandton. And I am certain that is what I want to do.

Lunch at the fancy bistro across the square with most of the office, and convo turned to advocates. Impressive ones can keep their calm, never get flustered. Water off a duck’s back. Resolution one confirmed. I resolve to be calm, deal with less intelligent people without raising an eyebrow. I will try and control my temper. Teach myself slowly. This is a weakness. Nothing must ruffle me. Or else I can give up dreams of becoming an advocate… kiss that designer tower with its own coffee shop and duck egg blue wallpaper goodbye…

I have more resolutions, but I need to think about them.

Did training on how to bill, and spent two hours at candidate attorney lunch. Got BW to sign my form, he seems nice J Finished my work and was told to go home at 4:30. Gonna make the most of it, cause in a few weeks my life will be a living hell! Enjoying the work though, but I have to learn more attention to detail. Something which plagues me. Have always been more of a concept person. It will be RESOLUTION TWO for sure. Attention to fine detail, when listening and when acting. Focus minutely on the job at hand, review things many time not automatically but sensibly.

Day two. Tomorrow schools start so traffic will be hell.

Hafiz says

2011-01-16T03:10:00.001+02:00

"O God where is the one who knows and sees
To open up the secrets that in my heart are jailed.
It was not fair to punish my godly heart
With abuse, my heart bitterly cried and wailed.
If I was deprived in my longing, say naught
Kindness of fate from this hardship, none bailed."

comparison

2011-01-16T03:00:00.001+02:00

It is only by comparison which we fail. in our own rights we are perfect.

Sometimes we cannot exist through functions of desire alone.

It is through our differences that we experience the world.

I am inseparable from my faults.

please do not blame me for that which is beyond my control, please try to understand my differences and appreciate that we all have unsatisfactory parts. I am like no other. I do not want to be at all like anyone else. please do not compare me. I am not the same as anyone.

My hands are tied.

2011-01-16T01:35:00.000+02:00

He asked which way the wind blew

Not knowing he was too light to fight it

And like a flower takes flight to

Scatter it's seeds

He was thrust by a gust, into the weeds

Upon surface, he asked no more questions

2010-10-31T21:15:00.001+02:00

Oftentimes I regret
How I forget to show you
How much I love you
When telling you has become habit

"The only criticism that I can have of you;
For kindness, the beauties charge extortionate fees."
Hafiz

Lessons of Law

2010-10-24T17:06:00.001+02:00

I wish I had kept a record - of all the ways that studying law has defined me, of how it has shaped the way I see the world, on my evolving views on justice, on nuggets of truth I discovered unexpectedly along the way.

I will never remember anything now - my memory has been moulded to suit my specific occupation's needs - to store copius amounts of meaningless information in my short term memory for retrieval upon panicked demand. No, I will never remember, but I will never again be the same person. The study of the law has defined me.

I do not feel calmer. Though I am not more attuned to justice than I was before, I am more aware of how to create a just result by manipulation of technicalities. For there is no greater underlying sense of justice which permeates any legal system - I was misguided to seek it. All our labour has merely brought us one step closer to having the power and knowledge to use means and resources available to us, as lawyers, to achieve whichever result our client paid us to achieve. A purely capitalistic endeavour. I feel as though I am losing a greater sense of what is right - although no system created by man could ever capture the elusive virtue of justice.

There are few truly altruistic people - few people who take any pleasure in the happiness of others, unless such happiness is intrinsically linked to their own. Just look at the way man treats animal - as if their cries of pain were soundless, or meaningless.

I have encountered the efforts of those who seek to protect animals. I feel these are noble, and yet largely futile. A species which cannot extend its care to its own clearly lacks the inherent capability to extend its care further. Animal protectors often claim cruelty to animals is a root of cruelty to humans - I fear that they have mistaken symptoms for causes. Cruelty which lurks within a human will find any and multiple ways to manifest itself.

And man is evil.

This is no revelation, in fact it is the rationale behind every attempt man has ever made at religion. For I still believe that most religions were created by noble men - nobler at least by comparison to those they would have follow them.

Religions have demanded refining as man has become more knowledgeable of his surroundings, and as civilisation has evolved to provide more opportunities for evil, man has extended his reach to all of them.

There are many, many things which I, and the rest of the common world, are not privy to in the man-made world, and none of them are forged by love.

There is no divine guidance. If there were there would not be so much evil in the world. The sooner people accept religion for what it is - an attempt to curb the evil of mankind - the sooner we can move towards an understanding that death and suffering, for any reason, or in any name, is still a natural sin. No religion that provides an outlet for any form of violence deserves the status of divine rules. And I have yet to encounter a religion which does not.

It matters not what version of greater good we adhere to - whether we name this good "God" or "Nature" or "Science", or any other conceivable name... We need to remove the objects which distance us as humans from this notion, whether these objects are religion, ignorance, or simple stubborness. Somewhere in human consciousness there must be a greater capacity for love, care trust... and justice.

2010-10-12T21:59:00.001+02:00

if our love was a bean
all crunchy and green
and it grew in a pod
or a bubble

then i think i would know,
for better or worse
that nothing compared to your cuddles

because when one is in a bean-pod
all cozy and tight
one has no choice
of where to stay for the night

the only choice that beany has
is to stay in the arms of her lover!

2010-08-03T20:40:00.001+02:00

I am remembering,

wistfully,

the days which I did not have to suppress my anger

for fear of harming the recipient.

2010-07-26T10:41:00.001+02:00

Hang on a second...

Why should I feel guilty for an insult from me

Which you heard from someone else

When you shouldn't have been there asking questions

Which I wasn't given a chance to answer

Because you went behind my back

Where you were unwanted

And unappreciated

To speak about something

Involving me

When I was not there

Not invited

And not given the chance to speak

You talked about me

Without me there?

You fabricate stories

And pretend you didn't

You have so many problems

And deny them

You try to act innocent

Get sympathy

Which you don't deserve

You make me look bad

But worse for you

You make yourself so hard to respect

Well then you deserve what you hear

I don't feel bad for you at all.

2010-07-14T09:51:00.001+02:00

Under heaven, all can see beauty only because there is ugliness" Lao Tsu

If I can learn, from this ugliness, to be more beautiful....

"It's [the] yang part of us that sees the world and ourselves in terms of how things should be different, how we need to change things to make them more the way we think they ought to be... It is our yin self that holds our more compassionate, accepting mother energy." Biff Mithoefer

Does this teach us to accept anything befallen by us, that any injustice, any untruth, any disservice should be overlooked and forgiven, without so much as a plea for forgiveness, or an apology? A repeated injustice? I seem to require that these injustices be recognised and not overlooked, for me to begin forgiving them. I can accept, possibly forgive, but to be able to do so I want my suffering to be recognised, I want my sacrifice to be understood and acknowledged. \

Is it wrong to want my pain recognised, my suffering seen, my sacrifice noted? Is it wrong to expect an apology? It is certainly not selfless. But it does not make me a worse person than those I must forgive, and yet they are seen in no worse light. I struggle, to find the meaning in this, I struggle to find the right path and what I should do.

If I were to stop thinking about what I should do, and just "let it be", then what would happen? I don't know, but it is so hard to forge something you do not desire. It is so hard to forgive a liar. It is so hard to forget hurt. This is so hard.

2010-07-12T20:24:00.001+02:00

I have yet to discover what fuels the fire you hate me with, but I feel its flames. Closer they creep, faintly promising warmth, forked tongues of deceit. It is not long till you are dancing around my fiery grave, and a little part of the world weeps for a soul only they knew was innocent.

You will pay.

2010-07-12T20:21:00.001+02:00

There is no weakness in forgiveness, but no strength in saying the words, if I don't feel it in my heart.

"There's no weakness in forgiveness" Emarosa

2010-07-12T20:18:00.001+02:00

Long, low and far you go

And I, I do not follow

You leave me alone

High, cold and quiet you go

You leave me alone

And I am always waiting

Long, long, long you stay

You stay too long

I wait alone for you

Easy, easy you go

And find it difficult halfway

I was struck from the beginning

Backtrack and meet me at the start?

2010-07-10T17:45:00.001+02:00

When everything fades in comparison to your smile,

I curse him who makes you cry.

2010-02-17T21:12:00.001+02:00

The problem is with acting strong,

is that eventually they will forget you have feelings.

2010-02-06T18:50:00.001+02:00

In between waiting, and wishing

There is no time for kissing

"In desire for thy kiss and embrace, I die.

In grief for they glistening ruby, I die.

Long the tale, wherefore do I make? Short, I will make;

Come back! for again in expectation for thee, I die." Hafez.

A possible New Years Resolution

2009-12-24T23:38:00.001+02:00

To forgive everyone their sins and let them have a clean slate; to not hold past misdoings against them and to see them with virgin eyes.

In doing this I hope to alleviate myself from the pain of disappointment and also to help those who I have judged have a chance to redeem themself in my eyes.

I realise my eyes are not the only ones that matter,

and that they do not need to redeem themselves, they owe nothing to me.

But I wish to set them free from their associations in my eyes.

2009-12-24T23:35:00.001+02:00

I think one of the most important lessons anyone can learn is that

Nobody is the same as him; nobody thinks like him, reasons like him or sees things in the same way as he does.

And so they will act differently.

2009-12-23T00:08:00.001+02:00

I wish to be impenetrable, a soul you will never understand.

But I expect you to understand me.

2009-12-23T00:07:00.001+02:00

Maybe those who I have long considered weak have something to be envied. Meekness. If my personality does not allow me to back down, does not want me to forgive, much less forget... If I cannot overlook, and oversee, maybe this is not strength, as I have always perceived it, but the opposite. Maybe being malleable, surrendering to ones you love, holds some truth. For although I have seen before, when forced to surrender, that the outcome was favourable (maybe favourable without comparison, or even favourable in comparison to my alternative), I still resist. It is force which begets force in me, and breeds comtempt. And in trying to become the observer, objective as possible, I see, t meekness is not always weak, that keeping waters still instead of shaking the boat, may indeed save it from sinking. And so it is not in complete force, nor complete passivity that lies the strength, but again some balance in between. Or maybe I should stop labelling everything "good" or "bad", "weak"or ""strong", and just let it be. Just as it is hard to let the mind stay still in meditation, and just "be", so it is harder not to judge the actions and words of another, but just accept them. Even in non-judgment, I judge myself for my passivity. I am optimistic, it is the season of change.

2009-12-22T23:58:00.001+02:00

To whom do I reveal my greatest fears?

The closest are the ones I would first hide them from.

Who do I confide in

If I am ashamed to admit my doubts out loud?

2009-12-13T19:41:00.001+02:00

If everything ends...

I don't want any of it.

2009-12-07T20:58:00.001+02:00

Which is better....

To be strong or to be in Love?

It forever irks me that I cannot have both.

2009-12-01T22:57:00.001+02:00

I guess everyone feels

a little sad

sometimes

but i know who makes it better

and if i can't sleep

i will imagine a day

when he'll sleep beside me

every night

and i feel a bit better

but when it is unfair

and i feel i can't defend my case

am i following

the right path?

i feel ashamed

regretful

distaste

at how i am treated

and at myself

if i warranted it

i don't feel i do

but of course i never would

i am learning to change

it is just slow

i'm deciding still

what needs to be changed

and it seems one mistake

is too many

guess it teaches me

the opposite

i just happen to be sorry

i try.

2009-11-08T11:45:00.001+02:00

No one can love, so honestly and truly, so earnestly and deeply, fearlessly and foolishly, as a child.

2009-11-07T20:38:00.001+02:00

I know I wrongly, feel hard done by for your attention, sometimes. And next year.

2009-11-04T18:35:00.001+02:00

When I was younger, I spent hours every day researching song lyrics. Not only because I wanted to sing along... also because I earnestly believed that every single song I listened to had a meaning. Not several possible meanings, not an implied meaning, not an interpretation, but one single solid and specific meaning, a no-nonsense factual paragraph that every song could be reduced to. I have given up on this ideal. Although I still find myself looking up lyrics of songs that make my heart pang, I no longer spend hours debating and analysing exactly what the song-writer meant. Even if I still fully believed it was true that a song-writer had one specific intention and meaning in mind when he wrote the song, interpreting laws and legislation has taught me that that meaning is impossible to extract. Somewhere deep within the layers and levels of my thinking and beliefs though, some small part of this ideology remains, and it seems that it rears itself in my social interactions.

I do not know if everyone is like me, if everyone wants there to be a specific meaning for every action, a reason for everything, a logical rational link. I do not even know why I still insist on looking for these things, when I know my own actions do not adhere to this logic. If my own actions do not adhere, and I want them to, then what of other people's actions, when they do not even attempt to function from a plateau of logic. I think I missed my calling, I should have pursued logic, not law. The two seem to be mutually exclusive.

My point follows. If I know my ideals, and have tried to give them up, then why am I constantly disappointed by people's actions when they do not adhere to the logical actions I had pre-mapped in my head? I know I like to be in control. I know some traces of my ideals remain. Are these the answers? I just seem to feel people's lacks more acutely than others, seem to be more sensitive to people's pitfalls, more expectant, more hurt, more disappointed. Over-sensitivity gets you nowhere, I have learnt this from observing people close to me. Being over sensitive merely leaves you vulnerable to the unwitting attack of the insensitive. And this world is populated by the insensitive, possibly because the over-sensitive do not survive. We perish.

I must conclude that I am not more open to attack, but more perceptive of it. I dance on the line between desiring ignorance and needing to know everything. Neither side is healthy, but I know which side can stop me feeling the way I do. I just can't let myself go there. They say you can't break the habit of a lifetime... I don't think that is true. But I do think you need to want to change it. And again I repeat, as it always echoes through my head, that I cannot choose ignorance. So I must be acutely aware of people's shortcomings. Having decided that this is inevitable, I am brought back to coming to terms with such shortcomings. And to forgive, I have always needed to understand. I do not believe that blind forgiveness, or blind faith, is true. Some might argue the complete opposite, but it is this belief that leaves me religion-less. Nobody who thinks like I do can believe in religion.

All I find are questions, and I am still learning to embrace them. Please bear with me, I can accept I am learning. But other people preach forgiveness and tolerance to me, and do not see their own hypocrisy. I detest mine, and seek to correct it. And that is one more step than them.

"How darkly the dark hand met his end
He was withered and bony, exposed for a phoney
But we heed the last words that he penned
Haste to disgrace the traitor. Do not wait till later
I don't think that you've got to pretend
I see God in birds and Satan in long words
But I know what you need in a friend
So now when I leave you, I hope I won't see you"

Brand New - Sink

2009-10-27T20:04:00.001+02:00

Love is selfish. Do not tell me a healthy love is not. I want him all for myself, shamelessly, and will not share him even with the sea. I wish to be his only passion, I dream fruitlessly that that could be enough.

I wait for him, but waiting is hard, No - Impossible. What tides my heart over is knowing that if he were to choose, he would choose the empty space next to me. But if he would not choose that space, my waiting is meaningless. Love is lonely.

I am impatient for him to return to me and ease the strain of waiting... I do not want to wait alone, nor be the only one who waits. Love is impatient, so am I.

In expecting perfection and meeting with something less, lies the problem. But I am literally blind to his flaws, if he possesses any. He is not blind to mine. Love is judgmental.

Love is unkind to me, for it renders me so helpless to its call, so dependant on its symptoms. I have not ever suffered as I suffer from Love.

Love is mortal, but I own the philosophers stone.

Love is human, and sometimes, Love is not enough. Not enough to keep us from crying, not enough to keep us from dying. Not enough to insulate us, nor keep us safe, not always enough to heal wrongs completely. But it is enough for him to forgive me and forget how I have failed him.

Good intentions and a pure heart alone cannot keep this love above water. Apologies and long talks and back-tracking and regret will keep my Love strong where Love leaves me weak and dazed.

I fail - I misplace my words and his passion, my emotion overrides my logic and my Love hurts him. Not from lack of Love, but rather too much - from spinning out of control with selfishness, impatience and loneliness and creating a Lovewind of destruction. Love fails, and it destroys.

But I know, my love is perfect.

It is big enough to swallow it's weaknesses and still emerge glorious, divine, almighty. My Love is my God, I dance around him and dare not dwell on his imperfections for fear that he will break me for my lack of faith. To him I am true and I give everything I have. To him I surrender myself, it is him I believe in.

Perfection does not mean without imperfections, but the ability to rise above them unbroken.

This Love cannot be broken.

2009-10-13T19:57:00.001+02:00

Something inside me tells me it is time to write - I know not what. Maybe if I keep fingers to keypad for long enough the reason will make itself clear to me?

I cultivated some understanding today. About pride. I can honestly say that after today I believe it is something in our genes, our blood. For I know my fierce self-pride is justified, but all the same I am aware that should it not be justified, I would feel proud nonetheless. This is my revelation for today. The question is whether it is a good trait, or a bad one? Or maybe the question is whether the previous question is viable?

I discovered too, the other day, that I learn through questions. It is not my choice to subscribe to any one philosophy completely, but rather dabble in many and open more questions for my ever hungry mind. Youth could not abide these questions, and with frustration searched for answers... I submit that this is a flaw which most of us experience, yet few of us overcome. It is in learning to embrace the questions that I have found peace, ironically. Not in finding the answers.

I have always believed, for some unknown reason, that everything in life meets its opposite, if opposite ends are both taken to extremes. That every extreme, in other words, becomes its opposite. It is something I have sometimes strived to understand, but is more of an inward knowing. So, could this inward knowledge have been there for the purpose of teaching me that any question, taken to its extreme, is an answer in itself? It sounds very far-fetched and abstract, and I do not quite understand it, but I definitely like this idea.

I live to teach others, for it is hard to take ones own wisdom and apply it. In teaching another, one often finds that that person turns around and teaches me my own lesson, but coming from another's mouth, I finally understand.

"Happiness....is more precious than wealth"

2009-10-05T20:16:00.000+02:00

I wonder will they know, how we lived, when getting home safe every day is an accomplishment.

2009-10-05T20:04:00.001+02:00

It is not easy, and not desirable, to be criticised.

In essence, the trouble with believing that one's world is perfect comes in when other people's perceptions clash with one's own.

For me to truly believe, as I wish to believe, that the world which I externalise is the only one that exists, nobody should be able to challenge my beliefs, ideals and actions. And so the the problem arises: What to do when it does happen?

As I see it, two options exist:

Ignoring the challenge, walking away and believing anything inconsistent with my own reality to be false....

Or accepting that my reality needs alteration...

To muse on the latter, there are few people who I would alter my reality for - that is, alter to include their perceptions and beliefs. It is hard to do so, for letting in another parallel universe is to expand your own beyond your control. That is when things get scary. Immediately, when more than one answer exists to any one question, there is the risk of confusion. I think that I have a problem with expanding my world...

It is easy, to get upset when your expectations are not met. However, I have never decided whether the injustice lies in the expectation not being met, or in the original expectation. Meaning: was my expectation too high, and the behaviour only what was to be expected, or, was my expectation trite and the behaviour sub-standard? I don't know if an answer exists to this question: in my world, my expectations are average. In worlds I choose to encompass, I have yet to discover.

And so, I live as ever, to learn, and this is merely one more musing, one that I have chosen to pen.

2009-09-26T21:30:00.001+02:00

Possibly, maybe, I'm too grateful to be angry at anyone...

On friendship, and privacy.

2009-09-22T19:11:00.001+02:00

Till now,

I had always trusted any eyes I permitted to read these words…

My heart spilled out before you.

But other regret has reached me of late; for trusting too much, for being undiscerning with my trust…Should these words be regretted too? I only regret the worst of things.

I had not seen myself as guarded with my emotions, I prefer to voice them. But they are not always welcomed.

Please. Give me no more reason to spill tears instead of words. I have lost too many friendships. And although I am adept at walking away it does not mean that I savour it. I wish that I could trust everyone who I choose to call my friend, I wish that people so named would not let me down. But I cannot, and they do. There is nothing to be done for it, except wait and see who lasts, and trust those who seem to last in the meantime. It is all temporary, I have long since come to terms with this, but never with the feeling of disappointment that lingers somewhere within me.

Another friend has gone, and I know not whether to fight for this one, or let it go. On the one hand, I am sorry, and I do not wish this split to be permanent. But on the other hand, everyone makes their choices, and he has made his. When you choose to consort with someone who is out to hurt a loved one, does it not serve to speak for itself? More than this, if I cannot trust that what I say to you will not be transferred to those who wish to use it against me, I cannot speak to you. I choose to comment no more. I miss you. But I will not expose myself to danger.

Another friend I chased today, despite myself.

Because some concessions must be made for the one you love most fiercely.

And so I concede, and chase those who may not deserve to be chased. I reach out to protect another, I have long since been too hurt to bear any chance of salvage from this source. I would rather cut loose, rather have no ties to those who wish to hurt me and bring me down. I do not know which is the right path.

I do not enjoy speaking in specifics…

But I can put myself in your shoes, and understand where you come from. And if I can do this, then I can forgive you. But if I cannot, I find it hard to believe that you are worth my forgiveness. Yes, my world does revolve around me, and those who create an extension of me. Yes, I am the most important person in my life, I have no shame for feeling this way, I am not embarrassed of the lengths I will go to to protect myself. If you are not the most important person in your life, maybe it is you who should reconsider your value system, because I consciously choose not to reconsider mine.

So it has been said, whose eyes will read this I know not. But I know that fewer eyes will understand it. But I beg you to try.

2009-09-10T15:37:00.001+02:00

I cried tears today.

Not because you are worth it. You're not.

But because you take away people I thought were dear to me.

Because I cannot be friends with anyone who has touched you.

I do not know why you hate me so much. And your substantiation is a lie. Anyone that wants to have anything to do with you can write me out of their lives, because I don't need them. Even a remote link to you is too close. I hate you.

I feel as though I should approach you, but you aren't worth the time or the effort. I will suffer in silence until I forget and then I will not care about you and what you say and who you say it to anymore. Because a friend who talks behind my back is not a friend. A friend who believes untruths about me is not my friend. So you are welcome to them in any case.

Simple terms say it best, there is no eloquence in my anger tonight. I hope you go to the deepest layer of Hell.

2009-08-31T20:25:00.002+02:00

Sometimes it's not the being alone that gets to you...
It's the infinite waiting.
It's the clock who seems to move his hands to his own time, and often to spite you.

Why do we choose this?
Do we choose this misguided fate, or just accept it?
...There is nothing more to do when one's heart is weak from loving.

There is no body to comfort me at night.
Just an ethereal voice who comes when I call.
If I were to smile - or cry - would this voice know?

Nobody knows the torture of an unsure mind like I do.
Nor the torture of the silent waiting.
It is said every lover feels alone in his love and pain - but mine, mine is unique.

Am I the first to feel so?
I am not the only one who greets each day with the hope that her loved one will return, but it feels as though I were.

I am a selfish lover, and where once I would train myself out of this, today I am proud.
There is no greater love than that which defies distance, time, and persuasion.

Sometimes it is no help to write and coax the pain from behind your eyes to dance afront them.
And so, I have not written.
For fear that he would read my fears and see a bleeding heart where it is just scratched,
I have not written.
For fear of him seeing me falter in weakness,
For fear of tricking him into guilt,
I have not written.

For fear,
For fear....
For fear of being alone.

I have always said that we are sent lessons.
I will yet conquer my greatest fear.
I will yet craft beauty from my heartache and confusion.
I will yet rise above everything you see written here,
Victorious,
To claim the only love I have ever really wanted
Because
He is Mine.

"Love of mine

This fortress in our hearts

Feels much weaker

Now we're apart"

Placebo

2009-08-26T20:54:00.001+02:00

Unfinished business

Will finish you.

2009-08-24T22:00:00.001+02:00

So, it seems you are to drag from me another chance

Which I must be open to, because it is for the best

If this works out....

Just when I prided myself on letting go,

I am told to hold on,

And I cannot not listen.

2009-08-23T21:03:00.001+02:00

So what is it you say behind my back,

That makes you look at me like that?

2009-08-20T15:03:00.001+02:00

It is not fair, to deny your loved ones, for your peace of mind.

2009-08-16T16:24:00.001+02:00

So who is the real man?

The man in anger exposed,

Or the one who hides behind his good mood...

Which one?

2009-08-13T13:14:00.001+02:00

If you don't want to die of a broken heart

You must not fall in Love-Forever

2009-08-10T15:50:00.001+02:00

And gradually, it is in less words

That one learns to say more.

In simple observations and unfinished sentences

2009-08-10T15:39:00.001+02:00

A simple wish,

I would have someone walk with me

But noone, it seems

Will walk.

*

And it is fine by me,

If you are too busy knowing everyone else

To know me.

2009-07-28T19:10:00.001+02:00

I feel a little bit betrayed,

I know I shouldn't, but I do

Because I am so certain

That I would have done what was asked,

For you.

Love and Ilness

2009-07-23T19:13:00.001+02:00

Love and Illness

They are one

Infected am I

And I wish to stay in its

Deprivation-inspired bodyaches

Or erotic headaches

The fever of my insides does not match

The throbbing heat of your accessories

Your fingers are not long enough

To pull the cough from my throat

Or the slimy layer that lines it

The spittle that accumulates

On the tip of your

Cracked lips

The liquid that streams

From either of our breathing-holes

It is with ferverous glory that I

Top up on my vitamins

To keep us well.

It seems to make you happy

Or give you release

From month long incubations

Of being alone.

And my excitable sneezes

Bring me to conquer your lap

To keep you warm and moisturised,

Climaxing in the extreme delight

With which we are both cured

Questions.

2009-06-09T22:58:00.001+02:00

So does it please you now, to have professed to love them no longer,

When you still do?

Have you convinced yourself,

That this pain in your heart does not exist because you have walked away from it,

Because you have forgotten?

Does it impress you,

That not one day has passed since you thought of them

Longed for them

Belonged with them?

Is it right,
To be apart?

If so...

Then why does your heart still ache to be beside them.

Why?

'Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow; He who would search for pearls must dive below.'
John Dryden All for Love

2009-06-08T21:37:00.000+02:00

Oh, how foolish to think one, just one, would make it better.

[Sometimes you surprise me with your strength
and sometimes... you scare me with your weakness]

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of seperation." Gibran - The Prophet

2009-05-30T15:21:00.001+02:00

If my nausea prevails

I lose

To someone who was stronger

-maybe-

More successful

-maybe-

Have I failed you?

Or is it not my fault that it is not me to whom you turn?

I am uncertain

And unknowing

I have no desire to know what has gone before

But the roots, you kept from me

I would rather know

From where this sprang

So I could understand

Exactly how this began

And where to end it

2009-05-30T15:16:00.000+02:00

If losing innocence

So well protected

But not mine

Is not deplorable

Then I don’t know

Anymore

Quite what it is I love for

The devil

2009-05-30T15:11:00.000+02:00

It is alright to have a conversation with the devil...

As long as you don't let her win

And if she wins?

Then surely - you are lost to her fiery claws

Is all lost?

2009-05-29T11:12:00.001+02:00

Isn't it amazing
How one person
Can ruin your entire life
If you give them the power to?

2009-05-17T11:26:00.001+02:00

If all my
'i miss you's and 'i love you's
could form a boat
to float you to me
would it sink because
there is no connecting sea
or would those words not be enough to carry you?

2009-05-17T11:16:00.002+02:00

When will you return to me?
I have been wearing your smell
I have been sat here waiting
Surrounded by people and alone

Where are you?
I have been keeping my eyes blinkered. And my mouth shut.
I have been living in your voice
and it is failing to be enough

I have been picking fights with my loved ones
Because they are not you
I have become clumsy
Because I miss your touch

Why did you leave me?
My heart feels orphaned
And I will say none of this to you
Until you return for certain

Your photograph is dog-eared and outstared
And I need you closer
I need to see my name form on your lips,
Not just hear it
All my other senses are failing me

When will you return to me?
And when you return do you promise
To love me more than you did when you left?
Because I will need you to.

2009-05-15T20:33:00.001+02:00

When you say it makes your heart hurt,
Well I know now what you mean...

On Judgment

2009-05-13T19:41:00.002+02:00

In order to judge...
We have to know what is right, and what is wrong.
But do we ever?

How then can we ever judge another, to what standards could we possibly hold them to?
Some imagined standards in our own minds or souls?
Do such standards exist?

Are the pious closer?
For they claim to be
And judge more than anyone

Are the judges and the courts closer?
It is to them and their almighty knowledge to which I aspire
Yet all they can do,
Is adhere to rules drafted by another
And are criticized for their own input
Subject to human error

We can never be the judge of another,
For our own ideals could never be imposed upon any one other than ourselves.
If we create for ourselves what is right, and what is wrong
The best we can do,
Is try to align ourselves to our own ideals
Instead, we try to align others

Here is where I make my fatal mistake
I can never be the judge.
I must not be the judge.

I aspire to become the objective observer
What more could I aspire to?

2009-05-09T17:31:00.002+02:00

I need to know two things

How to stop crying, when I get sensitive (how to harden my soul?)

And whether, when it seems like anger is the ONLY cure, there is one more; or how to stop losing my temper (how to soften my soul?)

This delicate balance evades me when I am distressed...

When your blog is not soppy enough, fill it!

2009-04-28T20:42:00.000+02:00

Dear Mrs Leila *********,

It has come to my attention that there are certain things in life which are worth every second of conscious and unconscious thought.
Plain and simple, you are those thoughts and only you. I have also discovered what it means to love and be loved. I have discovered what it means to have someone so close to my heart and soul that they can climb inside and light a fire. Not just any little camp fire but a raging waterfall of fire! I cant tell you how glad I am that this kind of raging fire cannot be extinguished. It will continue burning for as far as I can see!

I trust that the aforementioned thoughts are in your best interests and that you will take to heart, my feelings.

Kind Regards and Volee at the top of my lungs, Mr Duncan *******

PS. You are the only thing I think of when the word Beautiful comes to mind

2009-04-28T20:37:00.002+02:00

All the dark hills we stumble by night

All the little valleys we day or night dream in

Belong to you

You are king of these lands in my head

Snippets of a sunset

2009-04-28T20:22:00.004+02:00

The darkness is eating the world from the ground up
We could be sinking into the jaws of some giant
Who puts all the elements on hold,
And puts our days on pause

Bright fire orange!
It must be the very pits of his soul we have reached
And the last few clouds, scratchmarks in the sky.
Like some desperate attempt of the sun to escape

Your eyes, like the top of the sky turned three times brighter and bluer

The baby blue descending on the orange
And the moon, the giant's eye, a slit
In the moment before he sleeps
Like he wants one last glimpse of his lover
Before sleep catches him and takes his sight
Some desperate attempt to dream of her
If she is the last thing he catches sight of

One little slit, before he can't hold it any longer

Like us, every night

Every lonely night

Every night I sleep next to your shadow

Every moment I walk in your wake

And you in mine

But so far away

2009-04-19T15:12:00.003+02:00

Is it right
To pull me up on mistakes
that are one in a hundred

Is it fair
To fail me on things you weren't testing me on

I am scared
Again
You scare me so

And this heavy sinking feeling in my stomach
Might pull me down and drown me
If you don't save me
You

If you know I am not selfish
why do you pull me up on things that make me selfish
When it is a weak point of mine
When I constantly wonder if I am selfish or not
And you are the one who needs to reassure me
You do but everytime you did now means nothing
Because of what you just said

Why do you remember things that I do not

Why do you cry more than me
And make me feel guilty
For crying and making you feel guilty
And for your tears
But you're so pretty when you cry

I just want to be perfect to you
The only person who I need to be perfect for
But you call me imperfect

You
make
me
feel
weak

I am so weak for loving you
So weak for forgiving you
So weak

I will forgive you one thousand times
Without you asking
I fear I may have to beg for yours
and one thousand times I will upset you
Because of my mistakes

Do I make them too often
Or do you just wait for them

My heart, it is heavy

2009-04-15T19:54:00.002+02:00

They call them friends

But they lie to me...

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie

In my eyes

2009-04-10T21:16:00.001+02:00

I need help
On what do we base our decisions?
- On what is most important to us...?
What if what is most important today isn't as important to us tomorrow?
- On something stable?
Can we trust anything to remain so?
.
How do I advise my lover when my heart is too much in it and I cannot bear to be without him, but I love him so much that I need him to make the right choice?
I feel as though I am the obstacle that hinders the situation I now assess.
.

Is there time?

To follow just one desire?

Is there time?

Is there time,

To follow your heart?

.
Of one thing I am certain, that we will be together.
But does this make for foolish decision making?
Is this a wise base for him or me to make our decisions on, yet?

I am scared. But not scared.

We are getting older.

What do I do?

2009-03-31T14:46:00.000+02:00

I forgive them
because I love them

...I have no choice

2009-03-22T20:53:00.004+02:00

It is hard to feel dejected, and alone
I know I am just over-tired
But little rifts feel like earthcrackwars
My earth may crack open

I find my numbness in the television
But I know it cannot save me from tomorrow
and that time is running away with me

Why do they choose now to argue me?
I don't know
Why does he choose now to leave me overdramaticallyalone?

I pull him, knowing full well his anchorboat is moored
But I pull him all the same
I cannot help myself, it is my game, to hurt myself to see who saves me

The night is hollow, my legs tingle, my back is stiff
The house is empty. But who knows and who looks for me this darktonight?

Whose shoes am I filling, have I not learnt my lesson yet?
and why does my puppetmaster not release me

I chase my dreams to escape, in wakefulness I chase my sleep
to comfort me for the day has not enough hours to settle me
and i have closed the pressurelid upon myself
and it is you who test me, but i have not understood yet
what is it you wish to see, my pass or my fail?

my day has been long - longer than yours because mine has run for two endless weeks with wings and my mind imploring me not to fail myself. or answer to my Regret. I fear him.

I fear his unloving eyes and harsh words - that need no hearing -
they speak straight to my brain
some direct poison to put me to sleep quickly
so I do not feel the pain.

For this long week, my tears flow easily now
and in knowing this, I must equate my tears
- to you and your preoccupation
- to you and your anger
- to you and your thoughtlessness

I only need to know you are thinking of me.... it satisfies me to know the thought is there. Half the time I don't need the action. Just fight for me. I need to feel I am worth it. this is what i need.
But you? what do you need?

The TV is silent

I sit alone

Where are you now?

And what thoughts occupy your mind?

I just want to know.

2009-03-18T17:53:00.002+02:00

You aren't invincible,
If you are scared of me

You aren't in love

If you aren't happy.

And you aren't my friend

If you ignore me.

2009-03-15T19:02:00.001+02:00

I've got it - what gets me

It's "we"

The fact that the "we" you spoke of,

consists of you and people other than me

2009-03-14T21:57:00.000+02:00

Secrets

For the sake of it

2009-03-14T16:02:00.003+02:00

I don't wish that it hurts you

But I am satisfied that it does

We are always placed in the other's shoes

And as much as you hurt me then, You feel now

I wonder if you notice?

And if you don't, am I satisfied?

I will just wait.

This world turns and spins us dizzy into situations

we were once so eager to decide

based on our own interests

So now should I pity your interests,

when it is your turn to suffer?

When you didn't pity mine?

I won't.

A saturated mind will reveal...

2009-03-12T21:24:00.003+02:00

I have been thinking...
A few things, recently, and none with too much connection to the real world. I don't want any of you to worry.

Boredom has been reverberating, in my head, not the feeling, but the word instead. We have talked - it is often in discussion which I become aware of my own true feelings first... My thoughts are not structured like my speech must be.

Getting to know someone is wonderful, exciting, brilliant! This, we have always known. But once that stage is over, I am learning, there is something left. The residue, if you bear it out... Not all relationships are worth bearing of course, with some, the thrill dies and takes with it the meaning. But with others, the thrill dies and leaves you with something quite different... a true friend. Someone who knows you, and still stays. Who can make you smile, but annoy you more than anyone else because they are supposed to be different. Someone who you expect more from, but sometimes get less... Then the moment you settle with expecting less, they surprise you by giving you tenfold. Yes, a friend. Someone who you can share your woes with, until they're sick of it and tell you to shut up - because they know they still have to bear seeing you tomorrow.

Loyalty, friendship, trust... These things remain and these must replace the original thrill. It doesn't matter whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship. This is another of my theories, maybe, but my theories shape my world and I love my world! I believe, it is in changing your perspective, and the way you view it, that the next stage becomes exciting too. Like those multi-coloured crystals where you see a different colour from every different angle... Some colours you may not like... Some colours you may tire of.

Another thing, maybe not on the same strain, has been relationships, and their end. Say you do get bored, or something changes, you don't want to be in the relationship anymore... If it is romantic, can you just let go? If you don't want to hurt the other person, but you know they will be lost without you, what choice do you have? I don't know. Is this why so many people end up in relationships out of obligation? I don't know. I have never felt obligated before. And I hope I never will.

And friendships? My good friend says, can you break-up a friendship? If you are sick of your friend, if she serves you no more, can you dump her and not have to see her again? Why do the ties differ? In my experience it is wise to keep your loved ones close even after they start hurting you, because we all go through cycles, and they will come back, and when they do you will scorn yourself for ever considering letting them go. It differs because it is not monagamous, you can develop another friendship while you wait for this one. You can wait. You can.

I am back to asking questions and I have accepted it. I have accepted that my questions do not need, or do not have answers. This is what I have learnt. I have learnt to look at myself from outside of my head, and not judge. I do not call myself good, or bad, for in labelling anything you hinder your ability to fix it, or understand it, or accept it, do you not?

I love my questions, I love my illnesses. It seems foolish, but things I have not understood I am slowly understanding. I am understanding the new-age saying... "love your illness", this is why I love teaching, for in teaching my students I learn. That is how I am, I learn through teaching, through explaining I have always come to understand myself. Maybe this is because my subconscious rules my voice and my conscious rules my thoughts, I do not know. But in loving my questions, and my illnesses, I can begin to comprehend what it is they are trying to teach me.

I live, I love, I learn. I learn through loving, because to help people, to help myself not to hurt people, I seek to understand, and any small thing I understand is progress for me. I can be patient, I can be the most patient person in the world, but I can also be the most impatient.

"You came suddenly... and stole, the patience from my heart" [Rumi]

I can be the calmest person in the world, but I can be the angriest. But I do always want to understand my loved ones, I do always want to know how they work.

Is this over-thinking? Why does my mind speak to me tonight when it has not spoken to me for so long? Why are my words flowing easy, like they did years ago? I hope my illness is not returning, I hope the good I have trained into myself is not departing...

No. I worry too much, this is nothing bad, for look, I have forgotten my own lesson and have labelled it. Not expressly, but by connotations.

I repent, I accept my thoughts and my ramblings, to you my readers, whose faces change but my audience remains the same to me, some silent, some loud, some loving, some curious, some wise, some misguided. It is not for you whom I write, but for myself, these words are only displayed here to feed my hungry eyes, not yours. But my thoughts are to share with you all, I was always a person liable to care too much. It is neither good nor bad.

2009-03-12T19:25:00.002+02:00

"show me your face

i crave

flowers and gardens

open your lips

i crave

the taste of honey

come out from

behind the clouds

i desire a sunny face

your voice echoed

saying "leave me alone"

i wish to hear your voice

again saying "leave me alone"

i swear this city without you

is a prison

i am dying to get out

to roam in deserts and mountains

i am tired of

flimsy friends and

submissive companions

i die to walk with the brave

am blue hearing

nagging voices and meek cries

i desire loud music

drunken parties and

wild dance

one hand holding

a cup of wine

one hand caressing your hair

then dancing in orbital circle

that is what i yearn for

i can sing better than any nightingale

but because of

this city's freaks

i seal my lips

while my heart weeps

yesterday the wisest man

holding a lit lantern

in day light

was searching around town saying

i am tired of

all these beasts and brutes

i seek

a true human

we have all looked

for one but

no one could be found

they said

yes he replied

but my search is

for the one

who cannot be found"

Translated by Nader Khalili

Rumi, Fountain of Fire

2009-03-09T20:09:00.002+02:00

If mountains aren't as big as oceans

But there are hills under seas

Then how much can you miss me?

If there are roads but not time-zones

Cars but not trams

People but not cultures

I can still read every feature on your face

When you aren't there

For pillows and headphones

Monotony and Exhaustion

Buggies and Turbos

Then there is still me and you

Even if you bore

Even if I bore

It could only be for a second

And not more

So heed not his silly words

Patience

2009-03-05T10:57:00.002+02:00

If we both lose our temper at the same time:

Am I more patient, if my tolerance is less but I bear it longer?

Or is he more patient, whose tolerance is more but bears it shorter?

2009-02-25T21:48:00.002+02:00

You ask if I miss him....?

Does the tree miss each and every leaf it loses in winter, I think it does
Or the buck miss his brother when brother is eaten by a lion
Do the trees miss the wind when the wind doesn't blow
Or the sunflowers miss sun when it doesn't shine
Does the day miss night because they can't exist at once?
Or a person miss their love, if that love they have lost
Does the insane man miss his sanity
A bankrupt man his money
A widowed woman her husband
A dead man his life?
Does a man whose wife cheated and left him for her lover, miss his wife?

Yes, I miss him.

2009-02-24T20:16:00.001+02:00

I get it, I'm a bad person.

The question is, can I live with it?

2009-02-22T21:32:00.002+02:00

No, I don't wait, to hear your tears when you leave; though I know you deserve them. I gave my inner tears to you, to cry them, but mine still remain, so I have only made more. Justice is justice, for a crime intention is not key. I am made of justice, this is what I believe, so please don't make me hurt.

2009-02-20T19:32:00.007+02:00

Oh - no one could now how my heart hurts! - While the blood within my very veins is away. I will postpone my existence, I live only for his return.

No one, No one, could warm my frozen heart!
Or ever replace him - While the wind itself laments the injustice of his not being beside me. When nature has relinquished reason and rationale, Because I, possess none.

I walk but cannot escape my head, and talk but hear nothing save his voice, So I could talk forever more. Even my hurting is so sweet to me for it chains my heart to his - and his is the paradise of my existence, something sweeter than the golden streets of heaven itself!

Why live? If not for our love? Why move, why carry on when no purpose compares to this universal meaning? I can see his face in the sun, between the clouds, in the flowers - on the ground - but each image eludes me the closer i come - the quicker I reach

Ecstacy! Ecstacy is mine in the moments you touch me!
If only they were more -
every step you take further weighs like another world completely on the very base of my being -
soon, i will sink, through ground and water - eternally
but even as my lungs embrace their asphyxiation it is his perfect hands which will save me, caress me, comfort and love me. For he gives me everything I need and then he leaves me needy once more - but the whisper of his promise repeats - Forever, Forever. Forever. Forever. - it is the food of my soul, I need not eat. I need not drink but his juices - need not smell but his perfume - which i would suffocate in gladly, for him in my lungs is bliss, though him within me is torture because i know he cannot stay indefinitely.

My lover, cherry of my heart, I scream to the mountains for you to return but only god hears me - i scream your name in my sleep but i sleep alone, i stare in every direction willing you to appear. That i could explode in this love and come back to suffer it once again - that i could wrap myself around you and sink into your skin. Would you keep me then?

"Love is strong as death"

By Grand Central Station, I Sat Down and Wept

Elizabeth Smart

bubblegumdroplets

2009-02-16T19:33:00.003+02:00

its not the i love you in the morning
or the rose that's just the right colour
it's not the way you tell me i'm gorgeous
or that you're the perfect lover

it's when i'm innocently walking

and you fart next to me

and i can smell it

and that not even the shower is sacred

it's the way you only take ten seconds-

to do the important things

its the bathroom floor and the litter you leave there

its the way you can dress like a hobo

and i won't care

it's the spicy food that makes your eyebrows sweat

and the way you let me make you wear an alice band

if you can call it an alex band

the way you pinch or bite me too hard and hurt me

or massage my (sore) knee and almost paralyze me

the way you interrogate your gran about me

and how your feet are always dirty

but you insist on putting them near me

its the way you try to rob me of sugars in my tea

and how you pat my head when i wee

its how your cat scratches me

the dogs ignore me

you finish all the m&m's

that's how i know you love me

What do we do?

2009-02-10T13:41:00.003+02:00

What do we do when a loved one is hurting, if we cannot take the pain on our shoulders for them? For taking their pain we introduce our dilemma to them, although solving the first.

What do we do when we have acted from emotion, and hurt a loved ones feelings? For our feelings have been allieviated, or lessened, but are replaced by guilt.

What do we do when we know we cannot change a loved one, but a loved one's behaviour is wrong, and hurts us? Do we have any other choice but to keep quiet, and to hurt?

What do we do, when we aren't sure of anything we ever think, because it changes daily? Do not think, or wait?... how long can we wait for?

What do you do when you doubt your own heart, express it or suppress it, hurt a loved one or hurt yourself? How do you decide?

Must we all be selfish? Why then do we try to fix the selfish ones?

What do we do?

2009-01-27T21:25:00.000+02:00

What are you, my boyfriend's brothers girlfriend, or my friend?

Does a friend leave her friend lonely and upset?

And not allowed to be upset or lonely or angry, because you are too nice, and everyone knows it.

So then why are you not nice to me?

2009-01-19T15:42:00.003+02:00

Is it ignorance, or inexperience, that breeds jealousy? For I agree it breeds contempt. Although to accept superiority can be harder than it seems on face value: Sometimes it is comfortable to know your place in the jungle, below your stronger inmates... and in the cities, below your elders; but this cannot always work, age does not always present wisdom, No, I am sorry it does not. It should. But you have not seen what I have seen, and you have seen things that I haven't that have tainted you differently... and so in these aspects I am matured. And if you did not hurt others I would attribute you the same maturity. But you do hurt them. And not see the truth. So I have to accept my authority.

Thoughts on innocence

2009-01-18T16:25:00.003+02:00

Animals and kids I get along with, they like me. If there are kids or animals in the room, they're probably next to me: It's easy with them, I give them love, and they love me back. Simple as that. No secret, no talent or knack for it, they just flock to the person who gives them love and attention.

Guess that's why adults confuse me, because with adults, it isn't like that. You can give an adult love till you're blue in the face, and they might not realise it, or like you. Because somewhere in the process of growing-up we are taught that just because someone loves you, it doesn't make them a good person. Or mean that you have to love them back. What a pity...

Must be that there are more factors to consider when you're grown, but for me, I would rather follow the innocent thought pattern of a child, or the non-existent thought pattern of a dog. If I reciprocate what I recieve from a person, my world should be balanced. I don't suppose even I follow this mantra though, because I have wasted so much love on people who do not return it. Whereas if I were a child, or an animal, I would long since have avoided them.

How curious, the nature of the human.

2009-01-17T12:05:00.001+02:00

Why do you keep a friendship which hurts you?

In memory of what it once was,

Or in hope that it will be fixed?

I don't know.

2009-01-17T12:02:00.001+02:00

This is mine because you, you can't touch it

And I will say what I please

I will talk my uninterrupted flow of speech

and not have to divert for your interjections

That is what you see here.

And more

2009-01-16T20:53:00.003+02:00

I seek to understand, those who cross my path, those who fill my life. I want to know what drives them, what makes them tick, their desires, their wants, needs, passions, thoughts...

I don't know, how much of this goal I achieve, how much I truly understand, for when I do, or think I do, still so much surprises me and evades me.

My parents taught me, that no one has your back like your family, but my family let me down. So, my immediate family, they have my back, yes, but they are few and I cannot tell them everything, if I could would they still support me as they do now?

I always differed, always wished to believe that somewhere out there there were good people, who I could trust as well. Somehow, they have all let me down.

Maybe not all, but am I then to conclude that the one who doesn't (for I don't think that more than one is possible), is the one I keep? Because this is what I have concluded. The one person, who does not let me down, that will be the person I marry, because above all, that is what I hold dear, someone who will honour my feelings as much as they do their own. Someone who I believe deserves me. It is not my place here to speculate on whether I have found him, for my previous ramblings will divulge.

Why? I have no mighty to appeal to, but I implore that the universe answer me. Why, can I not understand what drives these people who hurt me so much? And do they know how they hurt me?

Maybe I am hasty to say my family do not hurt me, for two nights ago found me in my sister's room, murmuring that she did not know how much what she did hurt me. And she didn't. I have been all but tears of late, and those who I believed would support me, have mostly failed me.

I will not ask now, whether I have failed them too, for I ask too often. My heart is pure, and here they must realise that whatever I do I do from love, that I fight my instincts to rage, and argue back, to defend myself, and to interrogate... all of this I do in return for a little love, a little loyalty. Please give me some.

It seems this mind is always misunderstood. Is this how everyone feels, inside?

'They don't do one thing but sing their heart out for us

That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'

Harper Lee

2009-01-13T23:03:00.002+02:00

you can't change a person's feelings,
so what do you do? give up? walk away?

*

i am tired, so tired of fighting for friendships.

2009-01-02T19:59:00.002+02:00

I am afraid.

Not, that what I have is not good enough, No...
That what I have is too good,

I am afraid.
Of letting it go
In search of something less perfect
To keep my mind turning

This is not valor, No...
If only I knew what it were

But I will not let this go.