To sleep, and dream

"To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"

Shakespeare - Hamlet

---

I dreamt the dreams of a trapped person, of an unworthy person, of disappointment. If dreams are a warning I have been warned to walk away if I want to avoid hurt. But my mortal self fights my immortal dreams, wishing to believe she is stronger. She accredits herself more strength than she is due for regularly, in hopes that pretence held long enough becomes true. That the mind tricketh the body and the conscious overrides the sub-conscious, when she chooses it to.

I wish these dreams never to be repeated, or to steel myself - I daren't say numb myself, for numbness begs extreme pain to test it - against all which they contain.

---

If what I dream is what I feel

I have to let you go

If living is a waking dream

I think that you should know

How alone I feel when I'm with you

Although my hands do roam

And how horribly I shall miss you

When I'm left on my own

Finding truth

There is no end to truth

--------------------------------------------------------
When hurt makes you feel real, it's easy to cause yourself pain without thinking twice. Surely it's better than feeling nothing, better than being numb?

Any extreme seems to fold at its end, onto itself. Somehow extreme pleasure and pain are equatable..

Who is to say what is good and what is bad? Could it be that there is no good or bad, everything just 'is'...?

I always ask myself what I 'should be' feeling, countless times I rememer proclaiming, "I don't know what I should feel". Looking back, all I wanted was to feel what I 'should have' felt, what anyone else would have felt in my situation, not wanting to be taken advantage of, taken for a fool, or to seem..strange I suppose. Possibly the answer was to feel whatever I felt inside, and if it were nothing then so be it.

So sometimes it is better to be numb..

--------------------------------------------------------

Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

(...)

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.

When stiff and sore and scarred
I take away my hand
From leaning on it hard
In grass and sand,

The hurt is not enough.
I long for weight and strength
To feel the earth as rough
To all my length.

---------------------'To Earthward'- Robert Frost--------------

Loneliness

We can't be together, until we learn to be apart.

--

My fear of loneliness is just a symptom of not being ready for a relationship.

----------------------------------------------------

NEVER seek to tell thy love,

Love that never told can be;

For the gentle wind doth move

Silently, invisibly.


I told my love, I told my love,

I told her all my heart,

Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.

Ah! she did depart!


Soon after she was gone from me,

A traveller came by,

Silently, invisibly:

He took her with a sigh.

William Blake

-------------------------------------------------

Sometimes the best thing to say - is nothing at all

Thoughts on attraction

If we truly attract "what we need" to us, whether by vibrational frequency or the law of attraction.. it means that noone and nothing in our life is a mistake per se. So every experience serves to teach us something.

The difficult part, I presume, is figuring out just what that lesson was, why we attracted that specific turn of events - or person - into our lives.

---

"I'm stone in the eyes of your foolishness"

Funeral for a Friend - Juneau

On bettering oneself

There's really only one thing to do after a fall - you can't better the person who's tripped you - so you better yourself, because most likely you have hurt them too, and you have certainly hurt yourself through your action, inaction, or choices.

And so, as much as I resent him for having broken me, if it took only this to break me maybe I wasn't as strong as I thought I was to begin with.

Bettering oneself has always got to be a good thing anyway, maybe I can protect myself and prevent myself from making the same mistakes..

One can only try.

she couldn't eat

but dreams don't need feeding

and she knew the sun set at night

if you're standing still


the words wouldn't flow

but she knew not why

it wasn't quite what she expected


and it faded, it all did

how long before there was nothing left

not even a memory

for fear is hard to stop

it works with a purpose

if you're scared of the right things


she claimed she never knew a man

till she had seen him angry

so she looked for anger

to love the best

but she knew not what love was


delusional young hearts

who think they know

misguidance just ends in pain

and headstrong stubborness with overcompensation



she sacrificed it all

all in the name of nothing

and remembered why

she was so scared to begin with


a dozen songs

could speak her tongue

her tongue was unemployed

as she tried to disconnect her brain

it is so easy to forget

you're forgotten


but she looked for answers again

where there were none

and instead only found questions

which she could not bear

and could not decide

trying to silence her heart

but logic was ill taken

if she could find it


so she returned

to what she needed less than she wanted

smiling

and going back on her words

never again

but it felt so good

to be wanted and she knew he did


her lungs she gave

only a substitute for her heart

she did not need them if the air she breathed

was not in the name of love

and it wasn't

no it never was


she wished she wasn't mistaken

in all that she had thought

and wondered whether feelings may be wrong

and eyes could lie

and what it felt like to be loved

and to love

she missed being held

in false pretence


to revert to waiting

isn't so bad

but her leg was stinging

and so were her hands



she was collapsing

but she wouldn't stop

because this pain was more real than anything she had ever felt

and it hurt less than confusion


she coughed

as she waited

for their collection of hearts

she would not keep any anymore

as hers was her own

again



she was right to begin with

unfortunately



she had made her mistake

never again would she risk

second place

somehow she knew

this karma not to be true

remembering why she was petrified of being alone

and everything else

wishing she had never given herself to begin with

for being reduced to a page

in an epic



all her fears confirmed

so what had she learnt

not to trust so easily

or not to trust at all


however these doubts did not reduce her

to less than she was before

she was plenty and through it all

nothing

no nothing

nothing had changed

Everyday it hurts less

If you don't show your weakness, does it go away?

Follow your heart?

I didn't think that anything could ever shake my happiness. But here I am, shaken. I overestimated my strength but I'm determined not to let myself slip one level more, because I know that from there - there is hardly a chance of return.

I'm tired of crying, I never knew I had so many tears to cry. I'm sick of feeling pathetic, confused, lost and second best. From here on in, I vow to take this for what it is, for if you can't change it by force you can only wait for other external factors to take their toll. Yes it feels like I'm surrrendering my locus of control, but when either choice of two will cause you so much theoretical pain, who is to judge which is the right one?

I've followed my heart again but I trust it to lead me true and not break me. I thought I was broken, I feel broken but I will not let myself be.

I intend to let myself be happy.

If you could turn back time, how far would you turn it and do you honestly think that you could prevent the hurt that you feel now..?

Dearest you

I can't look at you
I want to sort this out
but I don't know how

I saw her today
the girl who has your heart
and Im disgusted

how could you understand?
the hate i feel for her
and she isn't even worth my hate

pick me a worthy enemy
because if she is better than me,
i am nothing

"oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me..
But I'm nothing so good no I'm nothing..."

i can't look at you
there's one thing in my mind
one thing
and i want to still love you
but now i know what you mean about not knowing cause i dont

to love you
i need to look in your eyes

can you hug me?
all i needed was you to hold my hand
but you wouldn't touch me
not in front of her

and i'm sorry
that i couldn't keep my tears
or stop my body rocking
but not many people deserve my tears
do you?

i still want you to be happy
but i don't make you hapy anymore
so where do we go?

i always swore that you can't love someone
that doesn't love you back
now here i am again
don't i deserve to be loved?

I know you can't force it

Hearing you say you try is killing me
So did her name
I can't believe she has the love that I don't
Why?
There must be something she has that I don't

How can you love that?
How can you love that!

Now do I stay or do I go
I said I will not leave you
Two roads diverged and
both were as difficult as the other
I've fallen at the crossroads
and I can't get up

You know I never loved a man before
Then you came and I thought
that it was different
Now I'm left second best
See! See how it eats me
It consumes every paragraph
It consumes my head
This is making me physically ill

If only she were prettier,
Nicer,
Had something amazing about her
But you shared something with her
So what makes me special?
And I say you'd have her if you could
But you say you'd have me still.
Why not choose the one you love?

Second best.

I am disappointed in my heart
And I feel the biggest fool
now you're empty
And I can't fill you
"i am too weak to be your cure"
for now

You tell me it'll be okay
That you'll learn to love me
Learn?
Learn to love me?
I feel not good enough.

All those promises.

We will find happiness but my heart is breaking
And I don't know what to do
but there are two choices.
We do or we don't
We stay or we go

If I put my trust in you and you can never love me then what?
I wonder if I could survive.
The one thing I want from you
Is the one thing you can't give me
And I can't help think that it was all a lie
And you never did love me
Because 'you don't just stop loving someone'
But you have?

Take my tears please,
I don't want them anymore
I don't know why you want to be with me

I just don't know anything.

Shall we take it slow?
I don't want to pretend
When I can't even look at you
Can hardly touch you
Can we be more than friends

You've broken my heart and I can't have broken yours
because you don't care enough

I feel bad for making you choose
but I can't bear the thought of you being around her
I can't bear the thought of you lying
One week, more, you still hadn't told me
And in some twisted way I'm to blame
for you speaking to her again in the first place
Why didn't you believe me when I said I loved you
I don't say it lightly
Why didn't you trust me when I said I wouldnt hurt you

More than anything I need you to know
that I'm not those other girls
I will not do the things they did
I have my own flaws and I want you to love...
Appreciate. Me for me.

"And I'm nothing more..than a line in your book"
I want to mean more to you
I want to be the one and only
I want you to choose me

"It's only you,
Beautiful
Or I don't want anyone,
If I can choose...
It's only you.."

And I want your heart to agree
But I don't have you
Tell me how I can give myself to you when you don't want me?

Looking at myself through a strangers eyes
I see myself a fool
A fool, a fool, one thousand times a fool
I hate myself because you can't love me.

What do I do?
Waiting is temporary or is it forever
Waiting is only waiting if it amounts to something
I will not wait for Godot
Although the tree branch looks tempting and I'm sure I have a belt

Silly me, listen to me
Noones died
My heart feels dead but it's only temporary

It's the hormones talking

Breathe. breathe.
I'm trying but my breath is catching
And I was one of those babies
whose bodies would shake for hours with the after effects of her crying
I don't seem to have grown up much.

You asked me what I want
And said you wanted to try be with me
That word eats me

I told you before that I want to see you happy
With or without me

So tell me do I make you happy?
Even now?
Today you saw me and her
Together
Did you decide?
I needed you to see us side by side
and still love me after
At least care for me
More than her

I want to be with you
I want you to love me
I want a lot of things,
But you can only do what you can do
I resent you anyway

Even though she is no competition for me
But I can see your bodies intertwined in my head
And my stomach can't take it
I feel a lump in my throat as I write this
But I'm forcing it down

I want her gone
I have to be your first
And if I'm not then I can't be your anything.
I want to love you,
But I can't let myself love someone who won't love me
So what do I do?

How far would you go for me?
Am I worth it.
I said I would not leave you and I won't
Even though I'm setting myself up for heartache
that you cannot save me from

I love you because you dont love me
Cause you brought my earth crashing down
around my ears
and now i cant hear
you say you love me
even if you did

i want you because you want her
because she's everything that i am not
again

and everytime you talk to her
my heart burns
i can't stay still

i deserve this because i wanted the best for you
even if it meant sacrificing myself
so i did

the one person i thought loved me the most
didn't
so why do i stay

you can't love someone that doesn't love you back
but you're trying
you can't force love
but you're trying
and i'm waiting for forced love
from you

because i don't want anybody else

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes"

"You don't just stop loving someone"

Coldplay

I don't quite know what I feel anymore, but I have this feeling.. that at this moment coldplay can capture at least some of it. So here goes:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

"Swallowed In The Sea"

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

"The Hardest Part"

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud

Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out


"X&Y"

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can

I'm diving off the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can

"Talk"

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

..

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk

"What If?"

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

..

Better than any words I could muster right now.

These lines have always haunted me:

"What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life?"

Well, what if?

Breathe

Well it has been said, that when times get tough, all you have to do is breathe. And it will get you through.

I'm breathing, and it still hurts.

When you feel pain, or stress, or sorrow, or fear... just remember to breathe. So long as you breathe through it you will get through it.

"Remember to breathe...and everything, will be okay" *

That was my favourite song years before I was introduced to the art of breathing in yoga. That's got to mean something, right?

I always notice that when I'm avoiding an accident while driving, when I have to brake really suddenly - when I've finally stopped the car and successfully avoided the accident, I stop holding my breath. And I think, gosh, I've been holding my breath. In times of great stress thats what we do..

So I'm breathing, and I'm breathing. And I'm calming myself down. It will be okay. It always becomes okay at some point. I just have to wait, right? So I'm ignoring this pain in my heart, I'm waiting, I'm breathing. Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

----

* Dashboard Confessional - Remember to breathe

work in progress

feels like eternities between the times he speaks
and she's bruised her funnybone
she wishes he shared her love for Grease
She forgot to take her bra off

she considers giving up
he just can't hear her
but he's waiting for a reaction
as he fingers his guitar

she misses him
In the minutes between
But the world might still be stable an hour after
She's shaking in her sleep

And he has these glasses
Which are silver rimmed
Like the clouds since she met him

He said she had to be his
She quaked in her shoes
One week later she realised
She had nothing to lose
She was his all along

Now they fight for a flower
Which dies in the rain
He knows every time he touches her
He causes her pain
But he can't give her up

She thinks he loves her all the same
And he does
She can't even pretend she doesn't

Now the flood gates that have opened
Might knock him down
But he's a good swimmer
She knows he won't drown

Not on her watch

And tonight is her watch
And ever night after
He gets a bit angry
And reminds her of her father

She giggles
He makes her laugh
He watches her
As she takes her bath
Every night

And she's dripping

I feel so alone tonight

I wish that people had the time for me that I make for them. I realise now why people are so grateful to just have me listen. So few people have that ability. And there is nothing worse than feeling as though you are a burden on someone elses ears. It's just, sometimes, I feel so alone, and I know, well I hope, that I would be there for any friend of mine that feels as I do in those times. But who is here for me? Who has the time? I don't know.

Does Time take everything away?

How dark is the night with not even one star?

.

Give me just one chance tonight,

I can't take anymore.

Do you care

To hear me spill my guts?

Does it bother you

To watch me rot?

 

If the flies eat my body

Will you cry on the inside?

If they find my empty hearse

Will you take the free ride?

 

If all these questions find answers

Bring them to my grave

Write them on a piece of paper

Dig a hole with a spade

And bury them better

Than they buried me

Cause if I have the answers

My soul might be freed

Feel my chest contract, for you

And my heart attack, beats through

 

Tears sting my cheeks drawn out by you

I know that tonight, you'll cry for me too

yes you shall realise

as my whispers rape your ears

this pain i cause you

is a product of my fears

i never stopped loving you

while my mind had stopped to roam

now your heart has exiled my chest

and screamed it isn't home

 

Not anymore

 

I want you back

Possibilities of a short story

And Oh! He loved her like the world might end and he would still love her without it. 

He loved her like his life was nothing but.

He loved her like a man loves a woman

Like a mother loves her child

 

But oh! She didn't love him.

And it was the bane of his existence, 

The sorrow in his tea.

He couldn't be without her

Only one he could love, it was she

 

Yes boy, you hear me, even you have loved such, 

With none in return

You can feel how his heart bleeds?

And he is suffocating within his own blood,

slipped on the puddle from his tears

No, he cannot stop crying

 

And what set her apart? She was a princess in his eyes

To be worshipped, to be loved. He would love her, 

Give her anything

 

Oh the dangers of letting a woman into your heart

Oh the dangers of handing out your trust like party packets

'Here, take it, it comes with the cake'

And your trust you give with your friendship?

- No, you say you don't. Your trust is hard to come by, only those who deserve it will receive

Does she deserve it? When all she ever does is rip you apart

When she unbuttons you, when she undresses you, when she leaves you naked 

To stare and sympathise, but never love what she sees.

Not how you would have her love it.

 

Oh she loves you, yes she cares for you. Fool! It isn't enough and you let your heart

wait for her! She will never come around, she will never see you in that light when

she refuses to move. She cannot, don't blame her.

  

Listen to me. Listen hard. This isn't you, defined by her. This shell of a man, 

it isn't right, it's empty for pouring out it's contents to some undeserving host.

Oh you say she deserves to have your heart. Noone deserves a heart they would not keep.

Noone deserves tears they would have you not weep. This is over. 

 

"Sweetheart, are you okay? You seem so in your head."

 

"I'm fine" He forced a smile, he would fake it instead. Not moving on, not letting go, still

waters stagnate and she would watch him rot because she didn't have the heart to 

break him down. And he didn't have the heart to move on, his heart was hers, she did not know

she kept it.

 

She took his hand and led him along the passage, not knowing that her touch melted him. Or maybe she did

know, if she should stop to think. She never did. He swallowed his thoughts, and made sure his

smile was intact. He would not let her see him weak. Not in person.

 

Two hearts moved down the passage, and one body owned both. 

 

How could he ever forget her if she was here in his life? How could he ever not desire her if he 

did not want to let go? 

 

There's only one way to heal a heart.

You have to want to forget.

 

Forgiving her was easy, but her smile haunted his dreams. Every thought was her, 

every dream was her face, her voice replayed in his head, and in his existence.

Did she know that her half-love was killing him?- Who are we to judge the intentions

of a girl who is loved.- But if she did could she change it? Oh she must be strong, 

but she is young, only a girl. Who has the strength to hurt those they care for 

to afford them a longer termed relief? We must assume, not her. Maybe one day.

 

Oh it hurt to let his love waste. But it hurt more to let her go. And he vowed he would 

keep the little of her he could.

 

Son, how much of yourself is there left to dissolve? One day there will be nothing.

 

"Pete love, I'm starting to worry about you. You really aren't all here today!" 

 

"I'm just thinking how beautiful you look today"

 

She giggled, and they carried on walking. He battled to keep his internal anguish from his brows.

Must be something in the air today, she never usually noticed. He watched her smile,

assured her everything was alright. She told him about the men in her life: he was not a man, 

he was her dear friend, she constantly reminded him of this. He held his love for her

by it's neck, for this moment it could not breathe, and he advised her on her worries. But this

stubborn love would not die, he knew this already, and soon it escaped his grip and he could not

talk any longer. His tears rose from the pit of his stomach to his chest, he pushed them down. 

And stole a glance, she had not noticed, she walked with her head in the clouds of her dream world.

He hoped it was wonderful there.

 

But every heart that is given away leaves a hole in the chest. And nature works its ways, that hole shall be

filled by the heart of another. yes boy, you are loved, you are loved and you do not even know it. 

Thinking of You

Can I carve my name into your chest

So they know that you are mine

And if disease should infest

I'd bide out the time

-----------

This pain is not the same as before

This pain is different

I want more

------------

i need this to

release my love

i am empty without you inside

you're unaware of how I've cried

and begged to hold you

within my quaking love

you have seen how my heart beats for you

you can feel that inside

i'll give my energy to you

for you I have no pride

and all of this

you release into me

i'll take and keep

for eternity

----------------------

You drive me

Through my heart

Into the ground

Kill me now

I won't make a sound

Will you keep my blood

In a vial round your neck?

Will you bury my body

When you've severed my head?

-----------------------

I'd push you off the mountain

Watch you fall to your death

And if it didn't kill you

I'd love you instead

----------------------

If I could freeze

My hearts remains

When it melted

Would I feel the same

--------------------

I can't keep my head up

Push me down

The water's increasing

Will you watch me drown?

I can still hear you saying

"Love is watching your love die"

So this is goodbye

My last words, my last breath

I still wish I was with you instead

-------------------

angel with my angel wings

suffocate me while i hear you sing

i feel your hands around my neck

you are my air you take my breath

Why is it so easy to forget?

If I can take your hurt upon myself,

and feel it, less than you would if you kept it,

Then I will.

Because I love you.

---

"Now I can breathe, turn my insides out and smother me "

'Smother me' - The Used

She wanted -
To take all his pain away from him
To drink his fear
To make him strong
She would hurt for him
All for his love

His love was her water
She could not drink enough
All he wanted was to hold her

His nights were his downfall
That he could not sleep by her side
She would be there for him
But they held her back
They held her and they tied her
And they would not let her be free

She sat at her desk
And listened to the birds sing outside
And believed they sang for her
Just for her

She saw words that weren't there
She told him it wasn't fair
Nothing ever is
Not where love creeps in

He tried to remember
A time when he didn't love her so
And he could
But she could not conceive the cave he would leave if he left
And so she would not let him go

The faces watching them
She could not pretend
And he didn't care

Tell me

I used to tell you everything

When you had time for my pain

An ear for my words

Hold me again?

Is it time to move on

Have I held on too long

Have we changed

This doesn't feel right anymore

You don't even fight anymore

Not for me

Say it for me

'Cause I can't say goodbye

Don't look back

If you don't want to see me cry

"hey pumpkin,

just feel that i should let you know

that you're a great person

and must never change"

Dear J,

There's so much I want to say to you
That I know I never will.

I feel that now,
I'll never kiss your lips again
Nor feel your touch.

I can't miss you yet,
I can't feel anything at all
Except sick
Sick and falling to pieces
From what you put me through
- Did you know?

I never once told you I loved you
Was I wrong for thinking I did?

I understand none of your actions
I know not why you ever wanted me

Would you -
Please tell me why you say you care
When you don't
I don't blame you for loving another
And I can't feel angry at you
I can't feel anything at all

I think you should know
That I could never feel the same
For anyone but you

Would you keep this piece of my heart?
On second thoughts - no
I desire you to have nothing of me
And don't you ever tell me you were sorry,

Don't ever tell me you loved me!

This is where it ends.

You didn't know -
How my heart skipped a beat
How much it all meant to me
More than you could know.

Please tell me what you felt
What it was I saw in your eyes..

If you thought of someone else
When I closed your eyes -
Don't tell me now
If you wished I were her

If I am not your first,
Your only
I will not be yours
I won't be your toy any longer

You haven't left me with much
I can't feel the same
I can't feel the same
I can't feel the same

Please tell me why
Even if it hurts to hear
That you never felt this
Not for a moment

It didn't mean a thing

Tell me,
How often you thought of me
In the weeks between
Because I thought of you everyday

I am missing a heart
Which surrendered itself to you

I wish you happiness
While you sleep by her side
I wish her all the love
You never could give to me
I am cold and I am lonely
And I cannot blame you for anything
Except pretending


It hurts to know you lied
It hurts to know you led me on
More than anything
It tears me apart to know that
You don't love me
You never did.

I only wish I understood
Your intentions
Were they ill
Or simply thoughtless

This is goodbye.

the silence speaks volumes

It's midnight where are you

Enough

I thought i wanted more than this,

but more than this would surely be too much.

I see that now - that knowing what you think would be too much.

This is enough, this is what I chased all along, after all.

I don't need to hear you say you care - to feel you is enough.

I couldn't ask for much more - I didn't..

I don't need to know what you're thinking - sometimes thoughts run wild.

Sometimes, we're just numb.

And I would surely hold it against you - instead of you against me.

I got what I wanted - and you - I won't ask what you wanted.

I said I didn't need to know.

don't mind me i'm just breaking down.

when you need everyone to care...
is when they don't care
at all

Liars

It seems to me,
That it is not the one who is angry
Who is to be feared
But the one who hides his anger.

Yet again, the Liar is the most dangerous creature of all.

I don't know

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Deceit is an Art

Deceit is an Art.

---

"Sorry for what I've done, my conscience weighs a ton"

Head Automatica - 'Disco Hades II'

Forgive me

Dear Adam,

I know you'll forgive me one day.. for leading you on. For four months I held your heart, I held your hope.. and all the while I had no intention of seeing it through. Someone else had my heart, just as I had yours. And what makes it worse is that he isn't a stranger to you - far from it.

Excuses are only that, excuses. But maybe you care to hear my feeble ones. Or maybe I'm just trying to relieve my all-consuming guilt.

One desires to believe that the object of one's affection is supreme, perfect. But truth be told, we are all human. We only need to step outside of our obsessions to see that. And I am no different, idolise me though you may.

I was scared, so scared Adam. Scared that by saying 'no' i would lose you altogether. Oh, it pains me to even think the cliche. I would not have cared, but I did see something special in you. But not special enough, you just did not capture my heart. Love works in mysterious ways -!- I am no stranger to that fact. I hope we can still be friends.

I blame my nature for allowing you to believe there was some non-existent chemistry. Heaven knows I do not take things seriously, and often people's feelings get toyed with in my quest for fun. I am not proud of it! I am not proud that you are not the only one who loves me thus, unrequited.

Maybe I underestimate the magnitude of your affection. We can't help who we like! How we feel! Never mind, you said you were sick of chasing me. Is it a credit to me that I managed to hold your interest for four whole months? Surely not! And still you know so little of me.. Or else you might have questioned my actions? I find it hard to disguise my affection, there was none.

How many times did you ask me - did I have feelings for another, would I tell you where you stood? I would not, could not - some fear of finality, of losing your affection - oh, selfish, selfish me! - kept me from admitting to you that you had no chance at all. Oh, I tried to tell you! Indirectly, supposing that a man cannot ignore the obvious forever. It seems he can, where love is we truly are blind! We only see that which we wish to see, hear what we wish to hear. And i gave you enough of both to divert your thoughts.

I didn't want to hurt you. I know that hearing 'no' can be worse than having false hope. Oh, I saved you the smaller hurt to save me from having to cause you any at all! Foolish young girl, did you really think you could keep his hope alive forever? We are all fools to Time eventually, and ultimately Time has his way with everything. We are just feathers resting before the wind. I must have known I could not avoid it forever.

My only redemption is that I stopped it where I did. Although it hurt like hell.. oh it hurt me too. But it is hard work being the keeper of hearts, the pay is cheap, and I tire. Please take yours back. I have no use for it.

You know all the right things to say

it's so easy to let the right words,

from the right person,

at the right time..

make you happy

when little else can

---

"You take the breath right out of me.

You left a hole where my heart should be."

Breaking Benjamin - 'Breath'

Is it wrong to wish that time could go quicker

Just so this could be over?

'Cause I know Time is precious..

but I'm not living life to the full

---

"And all we had, was the memory of what was.

So lets pretend, this never mattered to us.."

'Pens and Needles' - Hawthorne Heights

Now..

I pay for those I wish to protect
And they pay through their ignorance
That I would die for you, and you not realise?

Am I a fool to take on your burdens?
You have taught me to be so foolish then.
I blame you and I thank you for a lot of who I am
But please understand that you aren't fully responsible any longer

I am a product of all that has touched me,
And the world has touched me,
Despite your efforts to keep me safe.
You no longer know what is best for me.
I know this is hard to understand.

I believe in things which you have not taught me
And don't believe in things you have.

This umbilical cord exists only in your mind...
It has long since been cut.

--------------

"Time takes too much time,

Please make the waiting stop"

Moloko - 'The Time is Now'

Morals

Will somebody explain to me
The lesson this teaches me?
I miss the moral.
I miss the moral, help me!

I cannot see past my anger...!
I cannot see through my pain.
If anyone understood,
Would they do the same?

I seek reassurance,
Yet it evades me
For noone can ever know the whole story,
Save me

Everything reminds me of you.

spontaneous ramblings episode 23856

why can't i walk in the rain? why can i not get wet? you would know all of my world and not approve? you would frown upon that which i believe in? would you always find me unable to decide for myself? will you never accept how I wish to be, a different view? would you never accept that you are wrong? i fear you have instilled that very fear in me. i dream of being free yet i keep you my captive. how could we ever agree? i chase heartache, heed me not. i pray to an entity i believe not in. i support that which i believe is wrong in essence. i am not sure where i stand. why do you love me? why do you hold me dear? why do you hold me? i am just a doll. A little fragile, did you know? i believe what i want. i analyse you. do you think about me? i think about you. do you care? do i care? i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i want you. i wish i could see past these stereotypes i have made for myself. i wish too much. wish and it will always stay as such - a wish. just a wish. i have everything i have ever wanted. i don't. i want. tame my lustful heart. foolish, foolish heart. why won't my heart listen to my head? why do i ask so many questions that i can't find answers to? why do i confuse myself? why do you confuse me? i do not understand you! i'm sure you do not understand me. i can't understand myself. i'm just looking for the answers. will i search my whole life? is this it? is this all i will ever be? is this all there is? is this love? who is goign to keep me warm? who is going to keep me safe? will you hold my hand because i am so scared. i'm scared of you even scared of myself. scared of what i might be. what if? who knows what will happen. maybe tomorrow. maybe never. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. and all this time my heart is still beating. and you make it beat faster. you all do. how many beats do i have left? how much longer can i go on? who will read this and will they understand? will they ever understand? can anyone understand? did i bring all of this upon myself? i don't remember asking for any of this. but i remember hurting people. i remember not listening to the voice inside my head. i remember regretting. but some things i don't regret. and some things i can't forget. even if i want to. but some part of me still doesn't want to let you go. i want to be there for you. i want to understand. i want to hold you. i don't want to push you away. i want you to realise that i am so much more than this. i want you to see in me what all those others see in me so clearly. why won't you see? you don't try to hear me, you do not listen. who taught me to be so scared? i always fancied myself to be so brave. i've tried so hard to be everything you wanted me to be. but it just isn't me. i can't forgive you this time. so how long can i wait?

What do I want for Christmas?

Freedom.

last night

You keep saying 'tomorrow', 'tomorrow'
like today can wait
but i'm sure my mind is not going to change
somewhere between this day and the next

when all i'm asking from you is to stay with me
and when i need you, you leave.

how am i supposed to sieze the day when all inside of me is frozen?
and i can't cry these frozen tears
and the ice is spreading..
keep me alive
you couldn't mean for us to die?
but you're taking what you deserve
as though you finally saw
and leaving my iced tears to thaw
i swear they won't

i saw too late that i need you
now that you don't need me

----

"Remember I told you in life and death we'd bury our secrets when they tear us apart. But love means going this far even when the ending is the start."

Lovedrug - 'ghost by your side'

Signs

"You aren't going to just sit around and wait are you? Go out and make something happen"

How did he suss me out so well...

----

"If I had to choose a way to die

It'd be with you

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your face

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face..

How does it feel?"

The Spill Canvas - So Much

Rain, rain, rain

"I woke to the rain

- as though the world were dirty

and needed to be washed of its sins

- as though i were dirty

and needed to be washed of mine

Foolishly thinking the covers could keep me safe

but what i need to hide from

was under the covers all along

And in that moment

- in that moment alone

i understood

what love was,

Only to lose it to the rain."

Beauty

"I hate beautiful people.

'Cause I'm not beautiful."

-----

Someone said it to me. And it stuck.

For you

innocent intentions,
I don't know myself
I did, I hurt you

and i won't forgive myself

for using those who were weaker than me
for taking advantage
for playing with your heart
for being all that you wanted me to be
for never looking back

i blame myself

for taking your innocence
and throwing it to the wind
for taking your breath
so you couldn't breathe
for making you want me
for not wanting you

for all of this
for more
for what i did
for what i didn't do

for letting you believe
that there was a chance
for your lonely desperate soul
when another had a spell on me
when another held my heart
so tight it could not breathe
nor conceive even the thought of another

for not knowing what i wanted
and mistrusting myself
and letting you be a victim
for not understanding that others feel
for putting myself first
for putting you last
for still caring

i blame myself
i blame myself

why do the innocent suffer?
how could i make you suffer
just as i have done before
how could i let you know
the pain that i know all too well?
i fail to understand
the meaning of my thoughts

this is for not understanding you.

Saying sorry

she wants to say sorry

that she hates to taste your tears

just one more night with no goodbye

she can't face her fears

The painful in the heart

You can't make someone love you.

-----

"It is the painful in the heart

Who your sweet lips understand"

Hafiz - Ghazal 118

just a thought

my mind is yours

it will not calm

and everytime i see you

you catch me off my guard

do you see me at all?

A clear mind

Who would have thought -

That not thinking at all,

Was harder than thinking?

---

A quest - to keep the mind clear.

---
Keep my mind

From thoughts of you

From all the feelings you induce

- It's just not worth it.

---
"Those sweet lips, those sweet lips, my sentence" Hafez

not sorry

It's the hardest choice.

Why do we hurt the ones

we love the most,

And hurt those we protect,

Protect those we hurt.

I save my tears for you,

Most of them,

Some escape.

Not sorry.

Your hurt saves you from more.

Again

Again I suffer

for your misjudgement

- I thought I covered my tracks so well

Travelling

Well one country, is much like the other

They all see the same sky.

------

Paris

----------
- 'Each flower has it's own smell'

That's what he said

And I believe him

I always do.

------

Paris

----------
We're all people

- all fall prey to the same desires

All driven by the same needs

We all suffer one way.

------

Canterbury, Kent, England

-----------
And no, the world is not fair.

How misguided we are, chasing justice.

----

The Canterbury Cathedral

----------
"Take your steps away with hesitance.

Take your steps away from me" Jimmy Eat World - Cautioners

----------
"To whom shall I complain against thy hand

If I am to seek justice also from thy hand?" Sadi - Manner of Kings

sometimes..

sometimes,

you just want someone to tell you you're beautiful

...and that's all

unforgivable

im scared of you
the things you do
might do

i still say i love you

but i think before i step
whenever you're around
i don't love you
not anymore

it's still your fault
for doing what you did
and never saying sorry
or being sorry

i know everyone makes mistakes

but twice is too many
when my heart wants to forgive you
but my head knows it's not wise

Tanha

My heart is torn, torn, torn

If only it did not insist on being whole

When love keeps you trapped
...Don't leave me alone

Off on holidays for about 3 weeks!

Won't be able to post....

Thanks for checking in.