Love and Ilness

Love and Illness

They are one

Infected am I

And I wish to stay in its

Deprivation-inspired bodyaches

Or erotic headaches

 

The fever of my insides does not match

The throbbing heat of your accessories

Your fingers are not long enough

To pull the cough from my throat

Or the slimy layer that lines it

 

The spittle that accumulates

On the tip of your

Cracked lips

Or

The liquid that streams

From either of our breathing-holes

 

It is with ferverous glory that I

Top up on my vitamins

To keep us well.

It seems to make you happy

Or give you release

From month long incubations

Of being alone.

 

And my excitable sneezes

Bring me to conquer your lap

To keep you warm and moisturised,

Climaxing in the extreme delight

With which we are both cured

Questions.

So does it please you now, to have professed to love them no longer,

When you still do?

Have you convinced yourself,

That this pain in your heart does not exist because you have walked away from it,

Because you have forgotten?

 

Does it impress you,

That not one day has passed since you thought of them

Longed for them

Belonged with them?

 

Is it right,
To be apart?

 

If so...

Then why does your heart still ache to be beside them.

Why?
 

'Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow; He who would search for pearls must dive below.'

John Dryden All for Love

Oh, how foolish to think one, just one, would make it better.

[Sometimes you surprise me with your strength
and sometimes... you scare me with your weakness]



"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of seperation." Gibran - The Prophet

If my nausea prevails

I lose

To someone who was stronger

-maybe-

More successful

-maybe-

Have I failed you?

Or is it not my fault that it is not me to whom you turn?

I am uncertain

And unknowing

I have no desire to know what has gone before

But the roots, you kept from me

I would rather know

From where this sprang

So I could understand

Exactly how this began

And where to end it

If losing innocence

          So well protected

                   But not mine

 

Is not deplorable

          Then I don’t know

                   Anymore

 

Quite what it is I love for

The devil

It is alright to have a conversation with the devil...

As long as you don't let her win

 

And if she wins?

Then surely - you are lost to her fiery claws

 

Is all lost?

Isn't it amazing
How one person
Can ruin your entire life
If you give them the power to?

If all my
'i miss you's and 'i love you's
could form a boat
to float you to me
would it sink because
there is no connecting sea
or would those words not be enough to carry you?

When will you return to me?
I have been wearing your smell
I have been sat here waiting
Surrounded by people and alone

Where are you?
I have been keeping my eyes blinkered. And my mouth shut.
I have been living in your voice
and it is failing to be enough

I have been picking fights with my loved ones
Because they are not you
I have become clumsy
Because I miss your touch

Why did you leave me?
My heart feels orphaned
And I will say none of this to you
Until you return for certain

Your photograph is dog-eared and outstared
And I need you closer
I need to see my name form on your lips,
Not just hear it
All my other senses are failing me

When will you return to me?
And when you return do you promise
To love me more than you did when you left?
Because I will need you to.

When you say it makes your heart hurt,
Well I know now what you mean...

On Judgment

In order to judge...
We have to know what is right, and what is wrong.
But do we ever?

How then can we ever judge another, to what standards could we possibly hold them to?
Some imagined standards in our own minds or souls?
Do such standards exist?

Are the pious closer?
For they claim to be
And judge more than anyone

Are the judges and the courts closer?
It is to them and their almighty knowledge to which I aspire
Yet all they can do,
Is adhere to rules drafted by another
And are criticized for their own input
Subject to human error

We can never be the judge of another,
For our own ideals could never be imposed upon any one other than ourselves.
If we create for ourselves what is right, and what is wrong
The best we can do,
Is try to align ourselves to our own ideals
Instead, we try to align others

Here is where I make my fatal mistake
I can never be the judge.
I must not be the judge.

I aspire to become the objective observer
What more could I aspire to?

I need to know two things

How to stop crying, when I get sensitive (how to harden my soul?)

And whether, when it seems like anger is the ONLY cure, there is one more; or how to stop losing my temper (how to soften my soul?)

This delicate balance evades me when I am distressed...

When your blog is not soppy enough, fill it!

Dear Mrs Leila *********,

It has come to my attention that there are certain things in life which are worth every second of conscious and unconscious thought.
Plain and simple, you are those thoughts and only you. I have also discovered what it means to love and be loved. I have discovered what it means to have someone so close to my heart and soul that they can climb inside and light a fire. Not just any little camp fire but a raging waterfall of fire! I cant tell you how glad I am that this kind of raging fire cannot be extinguished. It will continue burning for as far as I can see!

I trust that the aforementioned thoughts are in your best interests and that you will take to heart, my feelings.

Kind Regards and Volee at the top of my lungs, Mr Duncan *******

PS. You are the only thing I think of when the word Beautiful comes to mind

All the dark hills we stumble by night

All the little valleys we day or night dream in

Belong to you

You are king of these lands in my head

Snippets of a sunset

The darkness is eating the world from the ground up
We could be sinking into the jaws of some giant
Who puts all the elements on hold,
And puts our days on pause

Bright fire orange!
It must be the very pits of his soul we have reached
And the last few clouds, scratchmarks in the sky.
Like some desperate attempt of the sun to escape

Your eyes, like the top of the sky turned three times brighter and bluer

The baby blue descending on the orange
And the moon, the giant's eye, a slit
In the moment before he sleeps
Like he wants one last glimpse of his lover
Before sleep catches him and takes his sight
Some desperate attempt to dream of her
If she is the last thing he catches sight of

One little slit, before he can't hold it any longer

Like us, every night

Every lonely night

Every night I sleep next to your shadow

Every moment I walk in your wake

And you in mine

But so far away

Is it right
To pull me up on mistakes
that are one in a hundred

Is it fair
To fail me on things you weren't testing me on

I am scared
Again
You scare me so

And this heavy sinking feeling in my stomach
Might pull me down and drown me
If you don't save me
You

If you know I am not selfish
why do you pull me up on things that make me selfish
When it is a weak point of mine
When I constantly wonder if I am selfish or not
And you are the one who needs to reassure me
You do but everytime you did now means nothing
Because of what you just said

Why do you remember things that I do not

Why do you cry more than me
And make me feel guilty
For crying and making you feel guilty
And for your tears
But you're so pretty when you cry

I just want to be perfect to you
The only person who I need to be perfect for
But you call me imperfect

You
make
me
feel
weak

I am so weak for loving you
So weak for forgiving you
So weak

I will forgive you one thousand times
Without you asking
I fear I may have to beg for yours
and one thousand times I will upset you
Because of my mistakes

Do I make them too often
Or do you just wait for them

My heart, it is heavy

They call them friends

But they lie to me...

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie

In my eyes

I need help
On what do we base our decisions?
- On what is most important to us...?
What if what is most important today isn't as important to us tomorrow?
- On something stable?
Can we trust anything to remain so?
.
How do I advise my lover when my heart is too much in it and I cannot bear to be without him, but I love him so much that I need him to make the right choice?
I feel as though I am the obstacle that hinders the situation I now assess.
.

Is there time?

Is there time?

To follow just one desire?

.

Is there time?

Is there time,

To follow your heart?

.
Of one thing I am certain, that we will be together.
But does this make for foolish decision making?
Is this a wise base for him or me to make our decisions on, yet?

I am scared. But not scared.

We are getting older.

What do I do?

I forgive them
because I love them

...I have no choice

It is hard to feel dejected, and alone
I know I am just over-tired
But little rifts feel like earthcrackwars
My earth may crack open

I find my numbness in the television
But I know it cannot save me from tomorrow
and that time is running away with me

Why do they choose now to argue me?
I don't know
Why does he choose now to leave me overdramaticallyalone?

I pull him, knowing full well his anchorboat is moored
But I pull him all the same
I cannot help myself, it is my game, to hurt myself to see who saves me

The night is hollow, my legs tingle, my back is stiff
The house is empty. But who knows and who looks for me this darktonight?

Whose shoes am I filling, have I not learnt my lesson yet?
and why does my puppetmaster not release me

I chase my dreams to escape, in wakefulness I chase my sleep
to comfort me for the day has not enough hours to settle me
and i have closed the pressurelid upon myself
and it is you who test me, but i have not understood yet
what is it you wish to see, my pass or my fail?

my day has been long - longer than yours because mine has run for two endless weeks with wings and my mind imploring me not to fail myself. or answer to my Regret. I fear him.

I fear his unloving eyes and harsh words - that need no hearing -
they speak straight to my brain
some direct poison to put me to sleep quickly
so I do not feel the pain.

For this long week, my tears flow easily now
and in knowing this, I must equate my tears
- to you and your preoccupation
- to you and your anger
- to you and your thoughtlessness

I only need to know you are thinking of me.... it satisfies me to know the thought is there. Half the time I don't need the action. Just fight for me. I need to feel I am worth it. this is what i need.
But you? what do you need?

The TV is silent

I sit alone

Where are you now?

And what thoughts occupy your mind?

I just want to know.

I just want to know.

You aren't invincible,
If you are scared of me

You aren't in love

If you aren't happy.

And you aren't my friend

If you ignore me.

I've got it - what gets me

It's "we"

The fact that the "we" you spoke of,

consists of you and people other than me

Secrets

For the sake of it

I don't wish that it hurts you

But I am satisfied that it does

We are always placed in the other's shoes

And as much as you hurt me then, You feel now

I wonder if you notice?

And if you don't, am I satisfied?

I will just wait.

This world turns and spins us dizzy into situations

we were once so eager to decide

based on our own interests

So now should I pity your interests,

when it is your turn to suffer?

When you didn't pity mine?

I won't.

A saturated mind will reveal...

I have been thinking...
A few things, recently, and none with too much connection to the real world. I don't want any of you to worry.

Boredom has been reverberating, in my head, not the feeling, but the word instead. We have talked - it is often in discussion which I become aware of my own true feelings first... My thoughts are not structured like my speech must be.

Getting to know someone is wonderful, exciting, brilliant! This, we have always known. But once that stage is over, I am learning, there is something left. The residue, if you bear it out... Not all relationships are worth bearing of course, with some, the thrill dies and takes with it the meaning. But with others, the thrill dies and leaves you with something quite different... a true friend. Someone who knows you, and still stays. Who can make you smile, but annoy you more than anyone else because they are supposed to be different. Someone who you expect more from, but sometimes get less... Then the moment you settle with expecting less, they surprise you by giving you tenfold. Yes, a friend. Someone who you can share your woes with, until they're sick of it and tell you to shut up - because they know they still have to bear seeing you tomorrow.

Loyalty, friendship, trust... These things remain and these must replace the original thrill. It doesn't matter whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship. This is another of my theories, maybe, but my theories shape my world and I love my world! I believe, it is in changing your perspective, and the way you view it, that the next stage becomes exciting too. Like those multi-coloured crystals where you see a different colour from every different angle... Some colours you may not like... Some colours you may tire of.

Another thing, maybe not on the same strain, has been relationships, and their end. Say you do get bored, or something changes, you don't want to be in the relationship anymore... If it is romantic, can you just let go? If you don't want to hurt the other person, but you know they will be lost without you, what choice do you have? I don't know. Is this why so many people end up in relationships out of obligation? I don't know. I have never felt obligated before. And I hope I never will.

And friendships? My good friend says, can you break-up a friendship? If you are sick of your friend, if she serves you no more, can you dump her and not have to see her again? Why do the ties differ? In my experience it is wise to keep your loved ones close even after they start hurting you, because we all go through cycles, and they will come back, and when they do you will scorn yourself for ever considering letting them go. It differs because it is not monagamous, you can develop another friendship while you wait for this one. You can wait. You can.

I am back to asking questions and I have accepted it. I have accepted that my questions do not need, or do not have answers. This is what I have learnt. I have learnt to look at myself from outside of my head, and not judge. I do not call myself good, or bad, for in labelling anything you hinder your ability to fix it, or understand it, or accept it, do you not?

I love my questions, I love my illnesses. It seems foolish, but things I have not understood I am slowly understanding. I am understanding the new-age saying... "love your illness", this is why I love teaching, for in teaching my students I learn. That is how I am, I learn through teaching, through explaining I have always come to understand myself. Maybe this is because my subconscious rules my voice and my conscious rules my thoughts, I do not know. But in loving my questions, and my illnesses, I can begin to comprehend what it is they are trying to teach me.

I live, I love, I learn. I learn through loving, because to help people, to help myself not to hurt people, I seek to understand, and any small thing I understand is progress for me. I can be patient, I can be the most patient person in the world, but I can also be the most impatient.

"You came suddenly... and stole, the patience from my heart" [Rumi]

I can be the calmest person in the world, but I can be the angriest. But I do always want to understand my loved ones, I do always want to know how they work.

Is this over-thinking? Why does my mind speak to me tonight when it has not spoken to me for so long? Why are my words flowing easy, like they did years ago? I hope my illness is not returning, I hope the good I have trained into myself is not departing...

No. I worry too much, this is nothing bad, for look, I have forgotten my own lesson and have labelled it. Not expressly, but by connotations.

I repent, I accept my thoughts and my ramblings, to you my readers, whose faces change but my audience remains the same to me, some silent, some loud, some loving, some curious, some wise, some misguided. It is not for you whom I write, but for myself, these words are only displayed here to feed my hungry eyes, not yours. But my thoughts are to share with you all, I was always a person liable to care too much. It is neither good nor bad.

"show me your face

i crave

flowers and gardens

open your lips

i crave

the taste of honey

come out from

behind the clouds

i desire a sunny face

your voice echoed

saying "leave me alone"

i wish to hear your voice

again saying "leave me alone"

i swear this city without you

is a prison

i am dying to get out

to roam in deserts and mountains

i am tired of

flimsy friends and

submissive companions

i die to walk with the brave

am blue hearing

nagging voices and meek cries

i desire loud music

drunken parties and

wild dance

one hand holding

a cup of wine

one hand caressing your hair

then dancing in orbital circle

that is what i yearn for

i can sing better than any nightingale

but because of

this city's freaks

i seal my lips

while my heart weeps

yesterday the wisest man

holding a lit lantern

in day light

was searching around town saying

i am tired of

all these beasts and brutes

i seek

a true human

we have all looked

for one but

no one could be found

they said

yes he replied

but my search is

for the one

who cannot be found"

Translated by Nader Khalili

Rumi, Fountain of Fire

If mountains aren't as big as oceans

But there are hills under seas

Then how much can you miss me?

If there are roads but not time-zones

Cars but not trams

People but not cultures

I can still read every feature on your face

When you aren't there

For pillows and headphones

Monotony and Exhaustion

Buggies and Turbos

Then there is still me and you

Even if you bore

Even if I bore

It could only be for a second

And not more

So heed not his silly words

Patience

If we both lose our temper at the same time:

Am I more patient, if my tolerance is less but I bear it longer?

Or is he more patient, whose tolerance is more but bears it shorter?

You ask if I miss him....?

Does the tree miss each and every leaf it loses in winter, I think it does
Or the buck miss his brother when brother is eaten by a lion
Do the trees miss the wind when the wind doesn't blow
Or the sunflowers miss sun when it doesn't shine
Does the day miss night because they can't exist at once?
Or a person miss their love, if that love they have lost
Does the insane man miss his sanity
A bankrupt man his money
A widowed woman her husband
A dead man his life?
Does a man whose wife cheated and left him for her lover, miss his wife?

Yes, I miss him.

I get it, I'm a bad person.

The question is, can I live with it?

No, I don't wait, to hear your tears when you leave; though I know you deserve them. I gave my inner tears to you, to cry them, but mine still remain, so I have only made more. Justice is justice, for a crime intention is not key. I am made of justice, this is what I believe, so please don't make me hurt.

Oh - no one could now how my heart hurts! - While the blood within my very veins is away. I will postpone my existence, I live only for his return.

No one, No one, could warm my frozen heart!
Or ever replace him - While the wind itself laments the injustice of his not being beside me. When nature has relinquished reason and rationale, Because I, possess none.

I walk but cannot escape my head, and talk but hear nothing save his voice, So I could talk forever more. Even my hurting is so sweet to me for it chains my heart to his - and his is the paradise of my existence, something sweeter than the golden streets of heaven itself!

Why live? If not for our love? Why move, why carry on when no purpose compares to this universal meaning? I can see his face in the sun, between the clouds, in the flowers - on the ground - but each image eludes me the closer i come - the quicker I reach

Ecstacy! Ecstacy is mine in the moments you touch me!
If only they were more -
every step you take further weighs like another world completely on the very base of my being -
soon, i will sink, through ground and water - eternally
but even as my lungs embrace their asphyxiation it is his perfect hands which will save me, caress me, comfort and love me. For he gives me everything I need and then he leaves me needy once more - but the whisper of his promise repeats - Forever, Forever. Forever. Forever. - it is the food of my soul, I need not eat. I need not drink but his juices - need not smell but his perfume - which i would suffocate in gladly, for him in my lungs is bliss, though him within me is torture because i know he cannot stay indefinitely.

My lover, cherry of my heart, I scream to the mountains for you to return but only god hears me - i scream your name in my sleep but i sleep alone, i stare in every direction willing you to appear. That i could explode in this love and come back to suffer it once again - that i could wrap myself around you and sink into your skin. Would you keep me then?

"Love is strong as death"

By Grand Central Station, I Sat Down and Wept

Elizabeth Smart

bubblegumdroplets

its not the i love you in the morning
or the rose that's just the right colour
it's not the way you tell me i'm gorgeous
or that you're the perfect lover

it's when i'm innocently walking

and you fart next to me

and i can smell it

and that not even the shower is sacred

it's the way you only take ten seconds-

to do the important things

its the bathroom floor and the litter you leave there

its the way you can dress like a hobo

and i won't care

it's the spicy food that makes your eyebrows sweat

and the way you let me make you wear an alice band

if you can call it an alex band

the way you pinch or bite me too hard and hurt me

or massage my (sore) knee and almost paralyze me

the way you interrogate your gran about me

and how your feet are always dirty

but you insist on putting them near me

its the way you try to rob me of sugars in my tea

and how you pat my head when i wee

its how your cat scratches me

the dogs ignore me

you finish all the m&m's

that's how i know you love me

What do we do?

What do we do when a loved one is hurting, if we cannot take the pain on our shoulders for them? For taking their pain we introduce our dilemma to them, although solving the first.

What do we do when we have acted from emotion, and hurt a loved ones feelings? For our feelings have been allieviated, or lessened, but are replaced by guilt.

What do we do when we know we cannot change a loved one, but a loved one's behaviour is wrong, and hurts us? Do we have any other choice but to keep quiet, and to hurt?

What do we do, when we aren't sure of anything we ever think, because it changes daily? Do not think, or wait?... how long can we wait for?

What do you do when you doubt your own heart, express it or suppress it, hurt a loved one or hurt yourself? How do you decide?

Must we all be selfish? Why then do we try to fix the selfish ones?

What do we do?

What are you, my boyfriend's brothers girlfriend, or my friend?

Does a friend leave her friend lonely and upset?

And not allowed to be upset or lonely or angry, because you are too nice, and everyone knows it.

So then why are you not nice to me?

Is it ignorance, or inexperience, that breeds jealousy? For I agree it breeds contempt. Although to accept superiority can be harder than it seems on face value: Sometimes it is comfortable to know your place in the jungle, below your stronger inmates... and in the cities, below your elders; but this cannot always work, age does not always present wisdom, No, I am sorry it does not. It should. But you have not seen what I have seen, and you have seen things that I haven't that have tainted you differently... and so in these aspects I am matured. And if you did not hurt others I would attribute you the same maturity. But you do hurt them. And not see the truth. So I have to accept my authority.

Thoughts on innocence

Animals and kids I get along with, they like me. If there are kids or animals in the room, they're probably next to me: It's easy with them, I give them love, and they love me back. Simple as that. No secret, no talent or knack for it, they just flock to the person who gives them love and attention.

Guess that's why adults confuse me, because with adults, it isn't like that. You can give an adult love till you're blue in the face, and they might not realise it, or like you. Because somewhere in the process of growing-up we are taught that just because someone loves you, it doesn't make them a good person. Or mean that you have to love them back. What a pity...

Must be that there are more factors to consider when you're grown, but for me, I would rather follow the innocent thought pattern of a child, or the non-existent thought pattern of a dog. If I reciprocate what I recieve from a person, my world should be balanced. I don't suppose even I follow this mantra though, because I have wasted so much love on people who do not return it. Whereas if I were a child, or an animal, I would long since have avoided them.

How curious, the nature of the human.

Why do you keep a friendship which hurts you?

In memory of what it once was,

Or in hope that it will be fixed?

I don't know.

This is mine because you, you can't touch it

And I will say what I please

I will talk my uninterrupted flow of speech

and not have to divert for your interjections

That is what you see here.

And more

I seek to understand, those who cross my path, those who fill my life. I want to know what drives them, what makes them tick, their desires, their wants, needs, passions, thoughts...

I don't know, how much of this goal I achieve, how much I truly understand, for when I do, or think I do, still so much surprises me and evades me.

My parents taught me, that no one has your back like your family, but my family let me down. So, my immediate family, they have my back, yes, but they are few and I cannot tell them everything, if I could would they still support me as they do now?

I always differed, always wished to believe that somewhere out there there were good people, who I could trust as well. Somehow, they have all let me down.

Maybe not all, but am I then to conclude that the one who doesn't (for I don't think that more than one is possible), is the one I keep? Because this is what I have concluded. The one person, who does not let me down, that will be the person I marry, because above all, that is what I hold dear, someone who will honour my feelings as much as they do their own. Someone who I believe deserves me. It is not my place here to speculate on whether I have found him, for my previous ramblings will divulge.

Why? I have no mighty to appeal to, but I implore that the universe answer me. Why, can I not understand what drives these people who hurt me so much? And do they know how they hurt me?

Maybe I am hasty to say my family do not hurt me, for two nights ago found me in my sister's room, murmuring that she did not know how much what she did hurt me. And she didn't. I have been all but tears of late, and those who I believed would support me, have mostly failed me.

I will not ask now, whether I have failed them too, for I ask too often. My heart is pure, and here they must realise that whatever I do I do from love, that I fight my instincts to rage, and argue back, to defend myself, and to interrogate... all of this I do in return for a little love, a little loyalty. Please give me some.

It seems this mind is always misunderstood. Is this how everyone feels, inside?

'They don't do one thing but sing their heart out for us

That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'

Harper Lee

you can't change a person's feelings,
so what do you do? give up? walk away?

*

i am tired, so tired of fighting for friendships.

I am afraid.

Not, that what I have is not good enough, No...
That what I have is too good,

I am afraid.
Of letting it go
In search of something less perfect
To keep my mind turning

This is not valor, No...
If only I knew what it were

But I will not let this go.

Lovelovelovelovelove:)

Our damsel
Light headed and forgetful,
Tripping over all the love contained
In a half used deoderant

She was a monster
Without remorse
But for him she gave her monsters away
Bundled and stuffed
With three eyes
To keep him safe

Her prince charming
Big haired and bigger hearted
(Who had ants in his pants)
And was just what she wanted

He read books to please her
And learnt how to tease her
Was so talented and sweet
Liked her tickling his feet
And having his hair played with

Under bright lights and stars
And itchy from the grass
A little too happy
And unconfused
They painted a picture of their future with poems
But this time it was true

They rediscovered rain
Fell from the sky - and landed
In rooms filled with pillows
With doors that opened into secret gardens
Who were witness to their love
If not more
-oh!-
And almost every time they loved there was panic on the wall
(They laughed about it)

Pizza parlours they attacked early
Their tummies hungry and eyes pearly
To picnic in the park
Where they would cavort when it was dark
Until midnight or so

They ran they danced
They cartwheeled, and pranced
Through pouring rain and storm
And promised each other,
Beneath the awful weather
To never leave the other alone

Benecklaced and braceleted
One linked to the other
Seperated by miles and miles
Of towns and roads and bother
But his love kept her warm
And he was too warm under his blankets
They chatted all day
And both were so thankful

For eternities
Which lasted three months
And how they were soon to be together
How he could travel the world
And never forget her
But he wouldn't without her
And she would wait forever
And forever
Just wasn't enough

Well what more to say -
Of two brains so matched,
That life could not be
More melodic and relaxed?
Except that no version of paradise
Could be anywhere near as nice
As their perfect future.

"like, when i say he's perfect...he is perfect
i cant conceive that i could find someone better
with other people there were always things at the back of my mind telling me it couldnt be forever, yknow? like, its a fling, not serious
and you know they arent right for you completely
but with him, there isn't that little alarm in the back of my head
there is no reason why i wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with him
in fact, there's every reason that i would want to!"

and the best part is,

that he feels the same way

Leaving

"I will wait forever,

Cause I think you're the one"

A Skylit Drive

Thank goodness these signs stifle my tears
Now I look to someone to suffocate my fears

You think the day will never come
But it does and you are possibly even less prepared
Than the first day when you conceived the idea

So here it is
And I feel a thousand million times worse than I thought I would
And it hurts and
I'm alone again

Who will hold me now?

Dad...

Please talk to me.

Don't you love me anymore?
My heart...
It is sore.

If it pains you that he calls me his best friend and not you
Why are you not there for him when he needs you?

Is it selfish
To want to keep her because you love her
Even if she does not love you?

Is it selfish
To force her to stay by declaring yourself upset
When she is doubt-ridden

Is it foolish
To want to be loved
When she is unsure

She just needs a little space
To experience her whole life from here
You don't remember what it was like?
And you, you need to find someone
Who is at the same stage as you.

I tried to explain this to you before
But you thought I was taking the piss
I tried to tell you my doubts
So I could save you from this
But all it achieved was double hurt,
Our hurt when we argued,
And your hurt now

So I won't bother saying I told you so
But I did.

It was never that I wasn't happy for you
It was just I saw too clearly.

Not enough days before my sweetheart leaves....

Not enough days...!

What will I do when he's gone

What will I do?

To a friend, not even half of my thoughts.

I ask you not, because I would have you sad
But rather because I need to understand
To be there for you when you inevitably fall from this farce
That you yourself have admitted is not forever
So then why do you deliberately isolate yourself?
Maybe,maybe,maybe I am wrong,
I can only hope that this is so
But I see your soul has leaked from your eyes
Does she keep it?
Because I can not even see hers.

Love is not some competition
But what lies beneath what you say, and do
All the empty actions
That I do not need although it is I who you compete with.
If I could only see into your head...
But I wish this too often
I just feel that I am losing you, my friend
And was that not your greatest fear?
So why then, do you push us away?

I try to reason with you
But your thoughts are aimless
And your excuses feeble
What are your true reasons for not wanting to stay?

Your gaze betrays you
And your knock-backs do not make me doubt my choice
It only your so called lover who suffers
Because your love goes only as far as you can prove.
So where do we go from here?
Though I do not await your demise,
I must keep it in mind
Although you pretend that you don't need me now
Or you do things that push me away
My loyalty means I will stay
Because then you will need me.
Is it good enough reason?

Nothing you say or do I can believe
And we do not connect
What is left? what is left?
You test the ones who I love
And disappoint me yourself
What now?

I do not know, and dare not think whether this may be an ending, or if this is a change. Whether it is permanent, what it is and whether I can handle it.

"How did we get here?

I used to know you so well,

How did we get here?

I think I know how."

Paramore - Decode