sometimes..

sometimes,

you just want someone to tell you you're beautiful

...and that's all

unforgivable

im scared of you
the things you do
might do

i still say i love you

but i think before i step
whenever you're around
i don't love you
not anymore

it's still your fault
for doing what you did
and never saying sorry
or being sorry

i know everyone makes mistakes

but twice is too many
when my heart wants to forgive you
but my head knows it's not wise

Tanha

My heart is torn, torn, torn

If only it did not insist on being whole

When love keeps you trapped
...Don't leave me alone

Off on holidays for about 3 weeks!

Won't be able to post....

Thanks for checking in.

Jiminy Cricket

When I was younger, I used to have a voice in my head. I always imagined it to be my 'Jiminy Cricket' - my conscience speaking to me - but from within.

It was a droning, mumbling, persistent voice, and I remember only too well the sensation of almost being able to hear what it was saying. The harder I strained to hear what it was saying, the harder it was. It was as though I could hear it best when I just relaxed and diverted my mind - but even then I could not hear the words I so desperately sought. But I think...I think I knew what it was telling me, somehow.

The voice has disappeared - I almost miss it.

Don't look at me that way

"Don't look at me that way, it was an honest mistake" -
'Honest Mistake' - The Bravery

Foolish girl! You chased too much freedom. Too much freedom isn't good for anyone, not even you. Not even you.

Happiness

Sometimes everything just seems to make sense. Everything just slots into place...I think I'm having a lucid intervallum. I am so happy right now, I am so at peace. And I don't need anyone or anything to change right now. I think I glimpsed perfection - and I like it. But I'm not going to chase it now, I'm happy just knowing it exists. Wow. I think I know why people get high, if it feels anything like this does.

I know people are going to disappoint me. I know that life is complicated. I know that there are hardships in this life, that I may never find what I am so blindly searching for. But it doesn't bother me. None of it does. I am happy.

I want to bake my happiness in cakes and feed the nation.
I want to brew my happiness in beer and get everyone drunk.
I want to gift-wrap my happiness and give everyone a present.
I want to write my happiness on a pieces of paper and send them away on the ocean in bottles, for everyone to discover.
I want to shout my happiness into the wind so it whispers it to everyone.

Nothing special happened today. I just realised how happy I am, and how I haven't noticed.

One of many whys

Someone tell me Why,

Why do humans do things that make them unhappy?

--------

My ghazal for the other day. The question? I can't remember...but I really liked this one.

Of her black hair I complain, O ask me not
Cause of her, lost I remain, O ask me not.
In the hope of loyalty, nobody leaves his heart & faith
I repent, my deeds disdain, O ask me not.
A sip of wine never cause misdeed or grief
Ignorant put me through so much pain, O ask me not.
O pious one, pass me by, 'cause this red wine
Makes your faith vain, drives you insane, ask me not.
On the path of life and soul, stories abound
One will strain & one will feign, O ask me not.
I longed for health and bliss, but alas
That seductress holds my rein, O ask me not.
I asked the ball of heavens, what is my role on this plane?
In the polo game of life I entertain, O ask me not.
I asked, with your hair whose blood you drain?
By God, this story is a long chain, O ask me not.

--Hafez

To a friend lost in herself

Oh child, dear child.
Don't think you are the first to suffer so
Confusion is the sanction of an intelligent mind

Didn't anyone tell you
everything can be bought,
except love?

Now you're all grown up
And they can see you
When you can't see them -
It's no use hiding anymore

--------

Gag me because I say nothing worthwhile

Take me away
'cause if I can't help you
I can't help myself

It hurts to see so much of myself in you.

Roads

Everything has a price.

Opportunity cost. For every choice you make you are sacrificing something else. The thing you didn't choose, the road you didn't take.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood..."

It's all I can do not to dwell on the choices I didn't take, for better or for worse. There's no-one to help me choose, no-one to show me the way if I get lost down the wrong path. My life is defined by the sacrifices I make, by the roads I take.

Dolls and love and dullness

Lately I can’t seem to find the words to say what I think, and I think too much. I can’t express what I feel anymore. I find myself stuttering, restarting, searching. Has my mind despaired of how inefficiently I convey its magnificent thoughts? For words could never do it justice. But one more injustice isn’t going to make a difference in the world. Except to me, of course.

What am I to you? Just a broken doll.

There are a lot of things that scientists haven't discovered yet, things they don't know everything about, maybe never will. I see now that humans don't know love. Not completely. Maybe they never will. What made me come to this revelation? My overworked mind, but not just that. A book. A book so amazingly written that it puts other books to shame. A book I don't want to have read because it seems so wrong, to us. But it's so right in its own sense. A book that makes no sense at all but has taught me so much, confused me so much.

Ever read Lolita?

"Because you took advantage of a sinner
because you took advantage
because you took
because you took advantage of my disadvantage

when i stood adam-naked
before a federal law and all its singing stars
Because you took advantage of a sin
when I was helpless moulting moist and tender
hoping for the best
dreaming of a marriage in a mountain state
aye of a litter of Lolitas

Because you took advantage of my inner
essential innocence
because you cheated me-
Because you cheated me of my redemption
because you took
her at the age when lads
play with erector sets

a little downy girl still wearing poppies
still eating popcorn in the coloured gloam
where tawny Indians took paid croppers
because you stole her
from her wax-browed and dignified protector
spitting into his heavy-lidded eye
ripping his flavid toga and at dawn
leaving the hog to roll upon his new discomfort
the awfulness of love and violets
remorse despair while you
took a dull doll to pieces
and threw its head away
beacuse of all you did
becasue of all I did not
you have to die"

Don't. Don't tell me that isn't love.

Here's a thought...if you're willing to listen

"He only wants you when you're seventeen....

When you're twenty-one, you're no fun"

Ladytron - 17

I'm 18 in the morning.

My childhood is over.

I have this tape from when I was small. A cartoon. A poor little boy has a donkey, who is his best friend. It's all he has and he loves it so dearly. Then one day his family has absolutely no money left, and they have to sell the donkey. The donkey was called Small One. It used to make the tears stream down my face. If anybody mentions it to this day my eyes well up.

How do you explain to a little boy the unfairness of the world? Why do the donkeys suffer for mans stupidity?

I saw this man, we stopped to ask directions, and I thought to myself, it's Small One and the little boy grown up - they were never seperated. It made me so happy, I almost cried.

---------------------

The streets of Tehran

Cheetah footprints in the snow

Icicles

Small one

am i wrong?

Sometimes, I hear myself speak and I have no control over what I am saying.
It happens too often.

am i wrong for not trusting you when you have never betrayed me before?
am i wrong for not being satisfied with the little i have when no-one has the whole?
am i wrong for not baring my soul when yours is naked before my eyes?
am i wrong for not telling you my secret when you have told me yours?

will I find you, and when? should i still be waiting?

-----------

I would have liked to upload some more pictures, but Blogger was being such a pest, god bless him!

*

The first pic is on its side, (it's a tree). I am loathe to re-upload it as it would take me an eternity!

Both the pics are in a little village in Iran, in Hamadan province.

EDIT: Silly me, most of the words were in black! (And hence invisible)

Holiday photos episode 2

I could drive forever but when I stopped I still wouldn't be home

Oh take me somewhere else

somewhere i can breathe

Take me where i can see the stars dance

I don't belong here

I wish you wouldn't

Tell me where to lay my head at night
Or where to fall asleep

----------------

The first two are taken from the car window

1) A train, just outside of Tehran

2) The city of Qom

---

3) Zagros mountain range

My first set of holiday photos...

It saddens me to see beauty fallen. It saddens me to see beauty in the ruins.

Every morning the sun rises, and every day it sets on the same misery. Why do we see hope in the sun? It leaves us every night, and yet we forgive it each morning. We are only foolish mortals, every single one of us. More fool he who thinks he is better. Better than what?

And see how the mighty have fallen. How the mighty have been destroyed. What once stood so proud shattered into complacency. Not knowing what life was like before. Not knowing.

It's amazing one can see the mountains from here. For the smog is so thick it takes considerable effort to keep breathing. Remembering to breathe when it stings one's nostrils.

I think I love you

Home

Last year when I wrote my Australian finals (exams that we wrote instead of our mocks that we could have used/can use to get into Australian/British universities), we had an English writing paper. An essay for 70 marks, and transactional writing (ie. a letter) for 30. I'm all for essay writing, I love it. But letter writing isn't really my cup of tea. But that's getting off-track a little.

So anyway, what I was (eventually) getting around to was my essay. They gave us a load of different topics, some pictures, some words. I chose one that was something about home. Home is where the heart is. No, it wasn't that. Something like that. But it kinda got me thinking.

Take a girl like me. I don't have a home. I don't mean I'm homeless. Or a nomad or anything like that. I have a house, well, my parents do at least.Let me try explain myself. I was born in the UK. My mother is British, my father Persian. I always thought England was home. But then I got old enough to know better.

I'm a foreigner in England. I'm not British, I don't look British. Sure I speak English, I even have a British accent (it's fading away now). But my culture isn't British. I don't think people in England accept me as British, and I don't want to be British.

Okay, the younger me thought. So, you're not British. No big deal, it's pretty simple - you're Persian. If only it were that simple. It works both ways. I'm a foreigner in the UK, I'm a foreigner in Iran. So I speak a little Farsi. I can't even read it. Or write it. To the Persians, I'm as much of a foreigner as I am to the British.

To complicate matters even further, I've lived in Egypt. And now I live in South Africa. Egypt was home, South Africa is home but none are home.

So nowhere and everywhere seems like home. There's no one place that I feel intimately connected to, more than any other. To put it simply - I haven't really got a place that I insist my gravestone goes, or my ashes are sprinkled. I love England, I love Iran, I love the Middle East. Egypt, South Africa, and all the rest of the countries I've ever visited.

So after I got back from this last trip abroad, I found myself sitting opposite my mum and saying to her - "What the hell are we doing here?" Probably just the after-effects of a holiday that was too good to be true, huh? Or the side-effects of something bigger.

I got full marks for the essay by the way...

I'm back

I'm back and life has never been more wonderful!
I'm back and I don't think the stars have ever shone quite so bright.
I'm back and I don't think I have ever been more happy,
and it's all because...
It's all because

I wish I knew

My holiday was amazing.
Destination: Middle East

If I ever called anywhere home it might be there...

Until next time

I'm off for a few weeks, on holiday!

Will post again when I'm back.

--------------

Mortals that would follow me,

Love Virtue: she alone is free.

She can teach ye how to climb

higher than the sphery chime;

Or if virtue feeble were,

Heaven itself would stoop to her.

-

Milton

To a long lost grandfather

How many years has it been since I saw you last
Two? Three? Maybe even four now
It doesn't even matter how many years anymore.

You could see me, if you wished.
I was your first grandchild, I still am.

I want to be there for you,
love and care for you,
hold your hand when it gets tough.
But I don't think you'd let me.
And if you did I don't think I would let myself.

You don't tell me that you love me anymore
- did you ever?
I wouldn't believe you if you did.

How does it feel?
Tell me how does it feel to be alone.
I blame myself still,
Although I'm not the one to blame.

You will not even look at me, Grandad.
And I didn't do a thing,
just love you
and I want to love you still.
But you don't want my love,
and it shows.
You don't care.
And it hurts with a pain like none I have never felt before.

I cry for you but you're not worth my tears.
I can't forgive myself for leaving you.
But I can't forgive you- at least not until you say sorry.

You are never sorry.

It hurts to remember you, Grandad.
It hurts to know your life goes on
- without me in it.

Do you still think about me?
And why were you so eager to let me go?
You didn't even try.
Or even say goodbye.

I am the firstborn of your firstborn.
Your daughter's daughter.
All I have ever done was to impress you.
But you are not impressed.

I only exist because of you,
I would not be if it were not for you.
I could not bear it if you regretted me, Grandad.
I have done nothing to cause you shame.
Your blood runs through my veins.
Don't you realise your selfish, callous blood
runs through my veins?

But never mind.
I have others to care for me,others to love me.
How I wish you didn't have the power to hurt me.
You don't deserve it.
you don't deserve me.
I wish that I never end up like you, Grandad.
I hope that I will never do the things that you do.

Why can't I bring myself to hate you?
Hearing your voice still makes me cry.
I only wish I knew why.

So goodnight Grandad
From halfway across the world,
Goodnight.
I hope you keep me from your dreams
so you sleep sweetly tonight.

thoughts on sorrow

Ah, sweet you

You who can make me cry

you who can make me sad

For it is only you that I love

------------------------

"I am delighted

that my heart welcomes sorrow

for the sorrow

that the earth and the sky

can not behold

is contained in a heart

as small

as the eye of a needle"

Rumi