Counting

So many nights

She's still unsure

But heard that noone knows what happens tomorrow

One doesn't agree

.

She stares at the ground

At every step

So she doesn't trip

Two won't catch her anymore

.

A little silence

Can't go unmarked

But she can't pretend

Not to see him sway

He never promised her anything

Three won't stay

.

And she's topless in the bar again

But he doesn't know

That what she's scared of

She won't hesitate to show

Four gave her his jumper

.

She swaps poetry

Between each refresh

And fires questions

To put him to the test

Five isn't wanted

.

Six gave her a chocolate

In return for her smile

Or to stop her from singing

.

He wore stripes one day

And stuck in her mind

Seven barely realises

That she's alive

.

Eight says he'll miss her

As he boards the plane

But with miles inbetween

It couldn't be the same

Not with her memory

.

She tends to be a panthress

And capture her prey

Noone says no to her

But someone will someday

She didn't listen to Nine

.

She giggles as she waits

Just a villager in her cottage

On a lane somewhere

I could tell her what she waits for

But it wouldn't be fair

Number ten.

Second place is first loser

I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

BRAND NEW - The Boy who Blocked His Own Shot

--

I battle with this constant need to be first. I'm trying to understand why second best is so inconceivable to me, why it is so ghastly, so offensive, so repulsed by every living inch of my body.

I tend to turn to a greater sense of "right" and "wrong", or justice in this universe, asking whether my battle is actually because it is "wrong" to be second best, that it "shouldn't be".

How far can you take the concept of nothing being "wrong" or "right", everything just being what it is? Putting oneself second best, to me at least feels like compromising oneself.

I'm just wondering whether it is some shortcoming in me that I need to be first and only, or whether the need is rational. It seems as though I feel it deeper, more urgently than others..

--

'A vision of your face

In my dreams I trace

In my wakefulness I chase

My dreams to have a peek'

Hafiz

To sleep, and dream

"To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"

Shakespeare - Hamlet

---

I dreamt the dreams of a trapped person, of an unworthy person, of disappointment. If dreams are a warning I have been warned to walk away if I want to avoid hurt. But my mortal self fights my immortal dreams, wishing to believe she is stronger. She accredits herself more strength than she is due for regularly, in hopes that pretence held long enough becomes true. That the mind tricketh the body and the conscious overrides the sub-conscious, when she chooses it to.

I wish these dreams never to be repeated, or to steel myself - I daren't say numb myself, for numbness begs extreme pain to test it - against all which they contain.

---

If what I dream is what I feel

I have to let you go

If living is a waking dream

I think that you should know

How alone I feel when I'm with you

Although my hands do roam

And how horribly I shall miss you

When I'm left on my own

Finding truth

There is no end to truth

--------------------------------------------------------
When hurt makes you feel real, it's easy to cause yourself pain without thinking twice. Surely it's better than feeling nothing, better than being numb?

Any extreme seems to fold at its end, onto itself. Somehow extreme pleasure and pain are equatable..

Who is to say what is good and what is bad? Could it be that there is no good or bad, everything just 'is'...?

I always ask myself what I 'should be' feeling, countless times I rememer proclaiming, "I don't know what I should feel". Looking back, all I wanted was to feel what I 'should have' felt, what anyone else would have felt in my situation, not wanting to be taken advantage of, taken for a fool, or to seem..strange I suppose. Possibly the answer was to feel whatever I felt inside, and if it were nothing then so be it.

So sometimes it is better to be numb..

--------------------------------------------------------

Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

(...)

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.

When stiff and sore and scarred
I take away my hand
From leaning on it hard
In grass and sand,

The hurt is not enough.
I long for weight and strength
To feel the earth as rough
To all my length.

---------------------'To Earthward'- Robert Frost--------------

Loneliness

We can't be together, until we learn to be apart.

--

My fear of loneliness is just a symptom of not being ready for a relationship.

----------------------------------------------------

NEVER seek to tell thy love,

Love that never told can be;

For the gentle wind doth move

Silently, invisibly.


I told my love, I told my love,

I told her all my heart,

Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.

Ah! she did depart!


Soon after she was gone from me,

A traveller came by,

Silently, invisibly:

He took her with a sigh.

William Blake

-------------------------------------------------

Sometimes the best thing to say - is nothing at all

Thoughts on attraction

If we truly attract "what we need" to us, whether by vibrational frequency or the law of attraction.. it means that noone and nothing in our life is a mistake per se. So every experience serves to teach us something.

The difficult part, I presume, is figuring out just what that lesson was, why we attracted that specific turn of events - or person - into our lives.

---

"I'm stone in the eyes of your foolishness"

Funeral for a Friend - Juneau

On bettering oneself

There's really only one thing to do after a fall - you can't better the person who's tripped you - so you better yourself, because most likely you have hurt them too, and you have certainly hurt yourself through your action, inaction, or choices.

And so, as much as I resent him for having broken me, if it took only this to break me maybe I wasn't as strong as I thought I was to begin with.

Bettering oneself has always got to be a good thing anyway, maybe I can protect myself and prevent myself from making the same mistakes..

One can only try.

she couldn't eat

but dreams don't need feeding

and she knew the sun set at night

if you're standing still


the words wouldn't flow

but she knew not why

it wasn't quite what she expected


and it faded, it all did

how long before there was nothing left

not even a memory

for fear is hard to stop

it works with a purpose

if you're scared of the right things


she claimed she never knew a man

till she had seen him angry

so she looked for anger

to love the best

but she knew not what love was


delusional young hearts

who think they know

misguidance just ends in pain

and headstrong stubborness with overcompensation



she sacrificed it all

all in the name of nothing

and remembered why

she was so scared to begin with


a dozen songs

could speak her tongue

her tongue was unemployed

as she tried to disconnect her brain

it is so easy to forget

you're forgotten


but she looked for answers again

where there were none

and instead only found questions

which she could not bear

and could not decide

trying to silence her heart

but logic was ill taken

if she could find it


so she returned

to what she needed less than she wanted

smiling

and going back on her words

never again

but it felt so good

to be wanted and she knew he did


her lungs she gave

only a substitute for her heart

she did not need them if the air she breathed

was not in the name of love

and it wasn't

no it never was


she wished she wasn't mistaken

in all that she had thought

and wondered whether feelings may be wrong

and eyes could lie

and what it felt like to be loved

and to love

she missed being held

in false pretence


to revert to waiting

isn't so bad

but her leg was stinging

and so were her hands



she was collapsing

but she wouldn't stop

because this pain was more real than anything she had ever felt

and it hurt less than confusion


she coughed

as she waited

for their collection of hearts

she would not keep any anymore

as hers was her own

again



she was right to begin with

unfortunately



she had made her mistake

never again would she risk

second place

somehow she knew

this karma not to be true

remembering why she was petrified of being alone

and everything else

wishing she had never given herself to begin with

for being reduced to a page

in an epic



all her fears confirmed

so what had she learnt

not to trust so easily

or not to trust at all


however these doubts did not reduce her

to less than she was before

she was plenty and through it all

nothing

no nothing

nothing had changed

Everyday it hurts less

If you don't show your weakness, does it go away?

Follow your heart?

I didn't think that anything could ever shake my happiness. But here I am, shaken. I overestimated my strength but I'm determined not to let myself slip one level more, because I know that from there - there is hardly a chance of return.

I'm tired of crying, I never knew I had so many tears to cry. I'm sick of feeling pathetic, confused, lost and second best. From here on in, I vow to take this for what it is, for if you can't change it by force you can only wait for other external factors to take their toll. Yes it feels like I'm surrrendering my locus of control, but when either choice of two will cause you so much theoretical pain, who is to judge which is the right one?

I've followed my heart again but I trust it to lead me true and not break me. I thought I was broken, I feel broken but I will not let myself be.

I intend to let myself be happy.

If you could turn back time, how far would you turn it and do you honestly think that you could prevent the hurt that you feel now..?

Dearest you

I can't look at you
I want to sort this out
but I don't know how

I saw her today
the girl who has your heart
and Im disgusted

how could you understand?
the hate i feel for her
and she isn't even worth my hate

pick me a worthy enemy
because if she is better than me,
i am nothing

"oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me..
But I'm nothing so good no I'm nothing..."

i can't look at you
there's one thing in my mind
one thing
and i want to still love you
but now i know what you mean about not knowing cause i dont

to love you
i need to look in your eyes

can you hug me?
all i needed was you to hold my hand
but you wouldn't touch me
not in front of her

and i'm sorry
that i couldn't keep my tears
or stop my body rocking
but not many people deserve my tears
do you?

i still want you to be happy
but i don't make you hapy anymore
so where do we go?

i always swore that you can't love someone
that doesn't love you back
now here i am again
don't i deserve to be loved?

I know you can't force it

Hearing you say you try is killing me
So did her name
I can't believe she has the love that I don't
Why?
There must be something she has that I don't

How can you love that?
How can you love that!

Now do I stay or do I go
I said I will not leave you
Two roads diverged and
both were as difficult as the other
I've fallen at the crossroads
and I can't get up

You know I never loved a man before
Then you came and I thought
that it was different
Now I'm left second best
See! See how it eats me
It consumes every paragraph
It consumes my head
This is making me physically ill

If only she were prettier,
Nicer,
Had something amazing about her
But you shared something with her
So what makes me special?
And I say you'd have her if you could
But you say you'd have me still.
Why not choose the one you love?

Second best.

I am disappointed in my heart
And I feel the biggest fool
now you're empty
And I can't fill you
"i am too weak to be your cure"
for now

You tell me it'll be okay
That you'll learn to love me
Learn?
Learn to love me?
I feel not good enough.

All those promises.

We will find happiness but my heart is breaking
And I don't know what to do
but there are two choices.
We do or we don't
We stay or we go

If I put my trust in you and you can never love me then what?
I wonder if I could survive.
The one thing I want from you
Is the one thing you can't give me
And I can't help think that it was all a lie
And you never did love me
Because 'you don't just stop loving someone'
But you have?

Take my tears please,
I don't want them anymore
I don't know why you want to be with me

I just don't know anything.

Shall we take it slow?
I don't want to pretend
When I can't even look at you
Can hardly touch you
Can we be more than friends

You've broken my heart and I can't have broken yours
because you don't care enough

I feel bad for making you choose
but I can't bear the thought of you being around her
I can't bear the thought of you lying
One week, more, you still hadn't told me
And in some twisted way I'm to blame
for you speaking to her again in the first place
Why didn't you believe me when I said I loved you
I don't say it lightly
Why didn't you trust me when I said I wouldnt hurt you

More than anything I need you to know
that I'm not those other girls
I will not do the things they did
I have my own flaws and I want you to love...
Appreciate. Me for me.

"And I'm nothing more..than a line in your book"
I want to mean more to you
I want to be the one and only
I want you to choose me

"It's only you,
Beautiful
Or I don't want anyone,
If I can choose...
It's only you.."

And I want your heart to agree
But I don't have you
Tell me how I can give myself to you when you don't want me?

Looking at myself through a strangers eyes
I see myself a fool
A fool, a fool, one thousand times a fool
I hate myself because you can't love me.

What do I do?
Waiting is temporary or is it forever
Waiting is only waiting if it amounts to something
I will not wait for Godot
Although the tree branch looks tempting and I'm sure I have a belt

Silly me, listen to me
Noones died
My heart feels dead but it's only temporary

It's the hormones talking

Breathe. breathe.
I'm trying but my breath is catching
And I was one of those babies
whose bodies would shake for hours with the after effects of her crying
I don't seem to have grown up much.

You asked me what I want
And said you wanted to try be with me
That word eats me

I told you before that I want to see you happy
With or without me

So tell me do I make you happy?
Even now?
Today you saw me and her
Together
Did you decide?
I needed you to see us side by side
and still love me after
At least care for me
More than her

I want to be with you
I want you to love me
I want a lot of things,
But you can only do what you can do
I resent you anyway

Even though she is no competition for me
But I can see your bodies intertwined in my head
And my stomach can't take it
I feel a lump in my throat as I write this
But I'm forcing it down

I want her gone
I have to be your first
And if I'm not then I can't be your anything.
I want to love you,
But I can't let myself love someone who won't love me
So what do I do?

How far would you go for me?
Am I worth it.
I said I would not leave you and I won't
Even though I'm setting myself up for heartache
that you cannot save me from

I love you because you dont love me
Cause you brought my earth crashing down
around my ears
and now i cant hear
you say you love me
even if you did

i want you because you want her
because she's everything that i am not
again

and everytime you talk to her
my heart burns
i can't stay still

i deserve this because i wanted the best for you
even if it meant sacrificing myself
so i did

the one person i thought loved me the most
didn't
so why do i stay

you can't love someone that doesn't love you back
but you're trying
you can't force love
but you're trying
and i'm waiting for forced love
from you

because i don't want anybody else

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes"

"You don't just stop loving someone"

Coldplay

I don't quite know what I feel anymore, but I have this feeling.. that at this moment coldplay can capture at least some of it. So here goes:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

"Swallowed In The Sea"

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

"The Hardest Part"

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud

Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out


"X&Y"

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can

I'm diving off the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can

"Talk"

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

..

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk

"What If?"

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

..

Better than any words I could muster right now.

These lines have always haunted me:

"What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life?"

Well, what if?

Breathe

Well it has been said, that when times get tough, all you have to do is breathe. And it will get you through.

I'm breathing, and it still hurts.

When you feel pain, or stress, or sorrow, or fear... just remember to breathe. So long as you breathe through it you will get through it.

"Remember to breathe...and everything, will be okay" *

That was my favourite song years before I was introduced to the art of breathing in yoga. That's got to mean something, right?

I always notice that when I'm avoiding an accident while driving, when I have to brake really suddenly - when I've finally stopped the car and successfully avoided the accident, I stop holding my breath. And I think, gosh, I've been holding my breath. In times of great stress thats what we do..

So I'm breathing, and I'm breathing. And I'm calming myself down. It will be okay. It always becomes okay at some point. I just have to wait, right? So I'm ignoring this pain in my heart, I'm waiting, I'm breathing. Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

----

* Dashboard Confessional - Remember to breathe

work in progress

feels like eternities between the times he speaks
and she's bruised her funnybone
she wishes he shared her love for Grease
She forgot to take her bra off

she considers giving up
he just can't hear her
but he's waiting for a reaction
as he fingers his guitar

she misses him
In the minutes between
But the world might still be stable an hour after
She's shaking in her sleep

And he has these glasses
Which are silver rimmed
Like the clouds since she met him

He said she had to be his
She quaked in her shoes
One week later she realised
She had nothing to lose
She was his all along

Now they fight for a flower
Which dies in the rain
He knows every time he touches her
He causes her pain
But he can't give her up

She thinks he loves her all the same
And he does
She can't even pretend she doesn't

Now the flood gates that have opened
Might knock him down
But he's a good swimmer
She knows he won't drown

Not on her watch

And tonight is her watch
And ever night after
He gets a bit angry
And reminds her of her father

She giggles
He makes her laugh
He watches her
As she takes her bath
Every night

And she's dripping

I feel so alone tonight