Oh I can love you through this anger, I love you through this pain. Don't think they strip my love away. I promised it unconditionally, it's still there for now..Nothing is forever though... You can push me, you do. But though I sway I will not falter, and I hate showing you my human fault but there it is for all to see. My strength is that I beat it down. In front of you maybe. I am so strong now, it will take double the force to knock me down. This new found power is my own and with it I can love and I don't need to be loved in return. But I will be. I can care, but I don't need anyone to care for me but myself. But they will. Everything I ever desired came to me, and it always will.

"I am the lost child
of the wind
Who goes through me looking for something else
Who can't recognise me though I cry"

Hughes - Robin Song

Forgiveness

I forgive you

For not knowing what you do
For hurting
For being dead inside

I forgive you

For all you did to me through another
For all the pain you caused
And suffered
I will forget

I forgive you
For not smiling
For being things that I could not be
For not being better than me
For not being me
For not wanting
For taking anyway

I forgive you

I forgive you
Because you aren't there yet
Because you might not ever get there
For making me ill
I don't mind
I give you my forgiveness
But I won't pity you

I forgive you
For all that you cannot see
But I can
For being loved
I forgive you

I forgive you
For being who you are
For hating you
I forgive myself

I forgive you
For the scars you wear
For the scars you caused upon others
For making me stronger
I thank you

I forgive you tonight
And always
For not being enough
For not being good enough
For being too much
For being everything
For being nothing
For taking it from me
For keeping it when I would not take it back
I forgive you

For your fear
For your soulless body
For your dead eyes
For your saintliness
For your sins

I forgive you

I forgive you for hurting me
For hurting him I cannot.

"Man and woman's bodies lay without souls
Dully gaping, foolishly staring, inert
On the flowers of Eden
God pondered"

Hughes - A Childish Prank

As I sat in the rain, my bench at the top of my park, two tears, two tears is all I'll let drop. And smile up at the bright sky, and thank the situations that test my rebuilt strength. And refuse to be a fool. And ignore the feelings instead of try understand. Because I would never be able to. And brace myself, and repeat, I am strong.

I am strong, I am loved, I am free.

Yes it's all true. I can't account for anyone's choices but mine are all my own.

THe word

"Be impeccable with you word"

Is it trust, do we trust too much? Are we too open of heart? Is it discretion, do we not possess it? Or does the fault simply lay with the ones we confess to. If we do not hold them as sins are they sins nonetheless? If we confess them are they gone?

I have a tendency to tell anyone anything, they only need ask. I can keep anyone's secrets but my own. Maybe that is why my heart disguises its truths even from me, for I would expose them. The only thoughts and feelings I cannot speak are those I cannot yet verbalise

Penance, forgiveness, love

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage"

Lao Tzu

***

Does love make everything right?

***

They say.. for the sins of others, there should be forgiveness. For your own sins, there should be penance. And I agree. But it's hard to give and not expect in return, it's hard to love unconditionally. Oh it's the hardest thing in the world.

If you don't have what you want...Learn to love what you have.

It's so hard to put it all in motion...

We train ourselves and others to be treated and to treat us in a certain way. Why then do we turn around and protest? If we feel trapped, there is always a way out, if you are willing to bear the consequences. And if not, you stay. You open your eyes and realise that you are only trapped because of how you perceive the situation. That to someone else you may be enjoying pure freedom. And slowly, it doesn't seem so bad anymore, slowly, you start to change and in turn, those things around you change. You choose the turmoil you put your head through, and one day.. you just don't choose it anymore.

When the pain of longing is too much, it is then that we must bear the suffering more. I still do not know why I attract pain in my unique form, and so I keep looking, I am not one to give up, but we each have our weaknesses. Sometimes they aren't defined though, and we end up wondering. Then do we follow our mind or our hearts? because my heart always wins, there is not even a struggle. And I am grateful that my memory is weak, I know I have developed it as a self-defence mechanism. My eyes are opened wider, and see clearer, but sometimes I still don't see the truth. Or do I see truth denied, I know not. I know what I want to do, I do not know yet what I need to do.

let me kiss away your tears
let me consume all your fears
let you hold me in your arms
and not let go
let me need you so much
that i melt under your touch
let me sing to your pieces
let me undo your disease
and look you in the eyes
what i see in my dreams
i am in you
but forever is telling me
that it might be too soon

If you want me, want me completely

Not this undecided love.

For though my thoughts have stopped,

My heart has not.

...

'If I have seen further than others, it is simply because I have stood on the shoulders of great teachers.' The Monk who sold his Ferrari

i will not chase you

i will let you come to me

and if you don't come back

i'll assume that you are free

.

---

.

Can you love someone and not even know it?

.

---

.

Can you love more than one person at the same time?

.

---

.

I can't make you see anything you don't want to see

.

---

.

But I won't stand here and watch you destroy yourself

stagnant souls won't breathe for me tonight

stagnant souls, they own me

stagnant souls know I won't put up a fight

stagnant souls control me

Sensation/2

I chase sensation, I see that now. That the root of my inbalance lies in my pursuit of pleasure, and my short-lived satisfaction. I see it even in the material world, I take 5-6 sugars in my tea -I can't taste anything less. My senses are dull and I am slave to them. It's never enough. I verge on the border of hedonism, my life is a dedicated chase of pleasure, which when found does not last...

the worries of the night couldn't stop me from this dream-filled sleep so i'll sleep and wait for you and hope you aren't dead in the morning like my dreams of you and struggle to bring back your face to my head and smile as you fade and return changed under a different moon to kiss me in the name of some different constellation and wait for it to come true.

.

you drift as though designed, through my mind and i wait for some god-creature to plant your feet on the ground that i might know you - wait for him to let me in and i will accept no substitutes for you are tied to a tower that cannot be crashed by even planes, in my brain, where you live and your earthly twin touches me instead and doesn't want to hurt me like you couldn't - and he wouldn't if he knew you - but you are only there when i close my eyes and i can't close them all the time so i sleep instead, rest my head, on his chest and arms to hold me tight tonight till the light wakes me crawling on my face a spider in its wake to bite and infect me kill me and bring me to you like you won't come to me for in death we will be together eternally - it isn't enough - and if you aren't i will buy my ticket back to breath and air, don't suck out my lungs it isn't fair not to let me change my mind - some of the time - but i don't know where to go if you don't follow or keep my thoughts warm then another must keep where you sat or stood or laid weren't you lonely up there without me or lonelier if i should come and leave, my decisions will not stand it is not in my creed to be stable do you possess everyone's mind or just mine you seem to be here all of the time do you sleep when i sleep for when i wake your eyes haunt me again a pain that feels good while it lasts but i will not pursue again.

.

do you believe my intentions i surrender to you and lift my hands but you can't lift me you are weak weaker than me but i need to believe in your honesty we all believe too late give up too soon i am a different woman eyes closed under that moon that you sit above how high and if there is no way down this mortal existence takes its toll on me you will receive me old and worn will you love me do you even love me now. your mortal twin he hears my sin he swallows my pride he eats me alive you will have his hand-me-downs his hands have touched me all over all over and i pretended it was you and imagination is strong and imagination can be wrong what a disaster that he gets my heart beating faster he's everything i want he just isn't you.

-----

"and if i lie, i lie because i love you,

because i'm bothered by the things i do"

-

my friend, my friend - anne sexton

Life is about happiness. It should be as simple as that but it isn’t, it’s about ultimate, secure happiness, not temporary satisfaction or pleasure. In other words, I suppose you could say “santosa”. It’s about the happiness of oneself, the happiness of the ones you love and care for, it’s about love, and about understanding and learning too.

Understanding and learning break ignorance, yet very often ‘ignorance is bliss’ so this can be a troubling concept at times. Why do we need to understand more if it only leads to more questions, more confusion, and unsettling emotions? I don’t claim to know all the answers, but just because I don’t - or science doesn’t - doesn’t mean there isn’t a natural explanation. I’m not prepared to write it all off to some supernatural force just yet.

I do think at times that things ‘happen for a reason’. Yet whether this is a deep-set belief or not, I’m not so sure. And as for where morality comes from, I’m not sure at all. As I said, I don’t have the answers…It drives me crazy just thinking about all the possibilities. And worst of all is the frustration of not knowing, but I refuse to believe something based on someone else’s testimony or conviction.

I do believe that we can be happy without thinking we have a divine purpose, divine intervention in our lives, or the possibility of more lives after this one..but I haven’t been home a few hours and I’m being tested already: My hook-up just “broke up” with me; he’s confused, he doesn’t want to hurt me again. Excuses, excuses, I know it’s because my unwavering happiness is being tested.

I’ve known for a while now that I have to learn to be alone: not boyfriend-less, but completely alone, no hook-ups at all. But I wasn’t going to break them off…seems it’s happening for itself. If there are such things as signs…well I suppose this would qualify. He was the last one left.

I know already that I’ve grown in the last few months, or at least returned back to my old self: this time I didn’t cry, though I felt like crying certainly. It was an emotional day as it were, without this additional stress. However, I bore in mind that we control our emotions, and am not allowing myself to feel any emptiness at all. My happiness does not depend on him or any other person or thing external to me. My happiness does not depend on relying on some supernatural being to be there for me and look out for me, it depends on myself, knowing myself and trusting myself.

I don’t desire stagnant happiness, but other than happiness I cannot think of a deeper meaning to life. It’s something I’ve pondered for a while, and I know I’m only young - as anyone will be quick to point out – so maybe I shall find a deeper meaning one day, when I have children, or get married, or something equally dramatic and life-changing happens. But for now I am happy as I am and content with what I do know. That which I do not know I am open to finding out, if it is possible. I’m not closing my mind to other possibilities, although constancy is settling and change unnerving. But I am not scared, I’m not closed-minded, I don’t have a mental-block. I just know what I do and don’t believe in, and it was not a rash decision, for years I toyed with the idea of being a plaything of the gods. I just happen to think I have reached the end of the road on that particular issue, that I have drawn my conclusions, logically and rationally. I am not one for blind faith.

Three hours later and it seems I have had another sign, a friend of mine just left my house, depressed and forlorn, although less so than he was when he arrived. Why do we let break-ups affect us so much? I told him what I was telling myself – we feel what we want to. And more than ever I see that happiness is the aim of life.

Green eyes, green eyes

You can't hide my demise

Rationality, faith.

"Their's not to make reply,

Their's not to reason why,

Their's but to do and die"

The Charge of the Light Brigade - Lord Alfred Tennyson

***

Coming from the non-religous perspective of my childhood, I am tempted to question everything rationally and logically. It is not in my character to have blind faith, it wasn't instilled in me during my youth, or if so, to an almost negligible degree.

Although my personality has been labelled "idealist", I still find it hard to believe far fetched ideas without logic supporting them. Which surely makes me more of a rationalist? I will believe something harmless and plausible if it entertains me yes, but I suspect my feet are grounded. They seem to be in any case.

***

"A priest is rushing

To my side

Begins to read me

My last rites

Father you're too late

My faith is weak"

The Priest and The Matador - Senses Fail

***

Is my faith weak? Why in any case is faith such a noble trait to have?

I just find it so appaling to accept things which i know not to be true, or which i seriously doubt the truth of, or which defy all rules of known logic.

***

Sometimes however the questions get too much: at what point, if any, should we turn around and say "Enough!" and just accept things for what they are? No questioning, no discovering - we can never know the answers and the searching will surely be the death of us...

***

It is what it is

***

I feel that I would be betraying myself by not finding out all there is to know, all I can possibly conceive and understand and hold within my head. but it seems like I am bringing this confusion upon myself.

What could ever warrant causing pain to oneself? - surely only saving another from pain or to saving oneself from further pain, or as a step in achieving a greater 'good' (for oneself or another..) ? Are any of these achieved by my unwaivering quest for answers?

It is tempting though to give up and block it all out, to forget - knowledge is conflicting, subjective and overwhelming at times. Forget any questions one might hold, forget the need for truth, forget any morsels of knowledge one might have already gained along the way. To achieve what, calmness? happiness? I know not.

We all make mistakes.

---

"Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes..." 1984 - George Orwell

---

Regret you are my evil mistress
I shudder in your wake
My hope my life my love my breath
All of these from me you take

---

"You can't kill heroes" Bracelets - The Spill Canvas

----

every tear that leaves my eye stings
every time my mind lapses my heart falters

For so long i thought i understood
but no comprehension comes without feeling the pain

i welcome sorrow
and abhor fear
but fear is what i'm made of now

i hate feeling volatile
as though i'm so easy to break
but i keep feeling my earth quake

because i can't believe in myself anymore
i need someone to believe in

i deserve nothing less than this pain
i feel exposed and ignored and alone

more than anything i need someone i hate being on my own
someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay
i won't listen to myself

i can't turn back time
but i can't bear these consequences
we are only strong if we are strong in the face of what makes us weak
so i am left with no strength at all

---

"Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one ?
And tell me how long
Before the right one ?

The story is old - I know
But it goes on"

Last Night I Dreamt that Somebody Loved Me - the Smiths

Another night, your words keep me warm

But still I haven't realised how I've left you torn

---

"So kiss me hard, cause this will be the last time that I let you.."

Dashboard Confessional - 'The Best Deceptions'

Anger

Anger is a feeling i haven't felt in a while, i realised today. This is a good thing yet it only serves to magnify the severity of the step backwards when one relapses. I'm angry for the original reason of my anger, and additionally, on top of that, angry because of the way i dealt with it - true to my household, with force, aggression and abuse of power.

I'm not proud, especially sitting here and reflecting, realising that my anger was disproportionate because of events I hadn't consciously noted building up inside me too. Now i realise, now i regret. But what's the use of regret, it always comes too late.

Revisited

Two high-school kids

They were

Friends

Lovers

Friends

He spun her around

and when she opened her eyes

He was gone again

She sucked his neck

As though to draw blood

But he didn't know

How her world stopped: crash! halt!

for him

and her breathing was the background music

to his words: her theme song

and everytime she waited

she waited too long

He couldn't quite tell her

What she meant to him

But threw hints that fell like breadcrumbs

And were eaten by birds

And everytime he kissed her forehead

He didn't know she hurt

A little more

She thought it was over

Just like a thousand times before

But the only door out

it was too small

and she couldn't fit

so she waited for her potion

and bit her lip

and he jumped her

for dancing to 60's music

and he called her cute

but she wasn't

she went home wearing him

and he smelt of her

she didn't know how often

she crossed his mind

but guessed none of the time

she was so wrong.