Okay, I think it's time I poured my heart out to you. Because I need to take an objective look at myself, if only for a few minutes.

I find myself expressing my fears. In itself, this should be a good thing. Better surely, that compacting them inside, hiding them and denying them.

So what do I fear? Simply, in relationships, I fear being second-best. I don't want to do that one again, not anytime soon. I feel however, that I seem to get myself into situations that make me second-best. I seem to be attracted to guys that are already in love with someone else. And it's noone's shortcoming except my own. I seem to attract pain, even take some sort of morbid pleasure in it. Another issue I'm trying to understand.

But the tricky bit comes in trying to stop the fears taking over. Stopping starting things with the end in mind. And pushing people away with my fears. Am I wrong for thinking this is going to go the same way? Or stupid for doing this again?

I'm stopping here, because I can't go on like this, can't write like this.

We may not always get what we want. But we always get what we need.

"Are you dazed
From too much meat and wine?

Of are you a soldier
On the field of battle?"
Hafiz

The warning again and again.
Again pertaining to you.

That's it I'm done

Done with regret

And missing you

Done with being dragged back.

That's it, I've forgotten.

Anything we ever had.

And here creeps in the doubt

Did we ever have anything at all?

Confusion,

Again.

.

Is it me that chases it? Or all girls - rendering me the same.

Just thinking it taps my heartbeat, each beat bringing pain.

.

"Humanity is bewildered by false idols

And driven by vain fantasies into the pit of destruction"

.

Eerily accurate advice. But it is so hard,

.

So hard to judge the false idols from the rest.

Especially when any one persons idols differ from the next.

With no one to guide me,

Or tell me which way to turn my feet.

I find myself ambling down too many familiar streets.

.

"Dive into the boiling sea of passion,

And all grief will run from you"

.

But they still want me to believe that love solves everything,

Still want me to surrender

And I'll believe them and they knew I always would.

Because, without love, there's nothing else.

If this is what I know I don't want

Why do I question it

Sometimes when I look in your eyes

I know I would die for it

Why am I plagued, by this haunting feeling of being betrayed

It's all too familiar

Why do I feel my heart sink

Everytime I'm left alone

I should be used to this

Why do I insist that someone will be there for me

And set myself up for a fall

Life is life alone.

.

"There are moments that hold aeons of seperation

Yet parting is naught but an exhaustion of the mind

Perhaps we have not parted."

The Garden Of The Prophet

On Fears and Hopes

Just wonder, why it makes me so angry
To hear your fears
- That you're scared I do what everyone else does,
What? - Fall in love with you?
I told you I don't fall easily..

And I told you that I'm scared,
That I'll be the one that's different,
The one that you end up falling for first..
Maybe it isn't so much a fear as a hope.

I told you I've been feeling aggressive,
I was just being honest.
So I hope you aren't surprised.

But it's a sensitive subject,
When all I need is to be different,
I'm scared you'll tag me the same.

'So why does it always seem

That every time I turn around

Somebody falls in love with me?'

City and Color

Am I doing this wrong for refusing to be anyone's fool,

When everyone has to be someone's?

I don't know.

Can I pick this up off the floor...?

*

"With all of this I know now

Everything inside of my head

It all just goes to show how

Nothing I know changes me at all

Again I wait for this to change instead

To tear the world in two

Another night with her

But I'm always wanting you"

Blink

*

When it falls, it all falls

When it rains, it pours

I can't take this anymore

*

"On the way home,

This car hears my confessions.

I think tonight I'll take the long way.

This weather,

The wind outside is biting.

It has left me feeling tired.. and exposed."

Dashboard

*

Look, the drama's repeating itself again

And they've switched my role

*

"My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.

It's clouded and so is my head.

The hint of these new tears are sharp,

I try to choke them back..

But it's useless,

I am useless against them

They're beating me with ease"

Dashboard

*

Tell me who or what to turn to

'Cause false hope don't keep me warm

When there's noone to listen,

I'll just talk to myself

Go on, make it worth all these sacrifices I make.

Because I don't think you do.

"I can't have what I want,
So I don't want anything.."

Love I will wait for you

though I am scared you do not come

giving you up leaves no future to live for

beat

every heartbeat is an eternity alone

time turns and still

you don't think of me

beat

how long can this last?

my heart i give

in trust to you

because some things cannot

be broken more

and ask you to act as though it were whole

lover, i melt

into these arms that are not yours

protect me

from what i want because

it does not want me

im trying to make you understand

that the lack of passion you feel,

is because i am trying to forbid myself from loving you

*

My hands are tied

My body bruised

She's got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose

.

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give...

And you give...

And you give yourself away

.

I can't live with or without you

I can't live with or without you

I can't live...

I can't live with or without you

U2

we try to live out our yesterdays

when they were better than our todays

I am not breathing
In airless pits I squirm
My dreams haunt me to teach me
Lessons which I just cannot learn


Wake up to find I'm falling
Fall to sleep to find I'm not
All the time I'm crawling
Away so I don't rot

What's the good of honesty when honesty says I love you and I can't be without you?

Yes, still. I'm so sick of pretending it's not there.

well I'm not writing because I'm still not feeling very much. I have had a brief lapse from dry eyes and I am grateful. But it seems we are back, with no spell to break the routine.

Scared to sit with myself, in the bath. Eating alive these sad songs, and watching the thoughts return to my head. Trying to ignore everything that I remember, and not feel the ever-threatening, godforsaken guilt.

Let the drink drive my mind

i don't care for what's inside

my body for this

and hate through your lips

I remember you.

Put my top on cause I dont feel safe topless

Not tonight

When wanting never got me anything anymore, nor wishing

And my finger is still too sore to type

Maybe its a sign

Maybe it's a design on my life

When I don't see you: sleep for too long but still

Not even in my dreams

And the appetite bites back

Not sad, because sadness doesnt eat

Not scared because fear keeps my stomach cater-bugs moving

or gives them wings

Just empty, like anything that ever was empty

Strike this bowl, it will ring

She couldn't remember the words to the songs she wanted to sing

---

Which way shall I fly, Infinite wrath, and infinite despair? Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell; And, in the lowest deep, a lower deep, Still threatening to devour me, opens wide, To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.

Milton