Stupidity

I am not one for jealousy.

I feel distraught - I am so used to being the smart one, the natural...should I relinquish my title, or change my field?

It depresses me, that my old tactics work no longer, and it is only my luck which pulls me through now - or so it would seem. I am disheartened, I have no will to exert myself if my exertion does not achieve excellence - and yet I know, that it is my lack of exertion which is my downfall. I am so used to it all coming easily.

I am stuck. I do not know how to change. And again my fears of being second best are being agitated, it seems they will always find a way to manifest themselves. I can hardly admit this all to myself: to these pages it is one thousand times harder. What do I do?

I am in a dilemma, I see my predicament and yet I am incapable of saving myself. I feel like, I am a patient stuck in an operating theatre, numb but left conscious, and I am watching the operation which will be the death of me. My metaphor is over-dramatic, but I am panicking.
And in the back of my mind it repeats -

Life is the same dramas

Repeated again and again

We just play different roles.

Please save me from this never-ending loop, I am in crisis.
Please help me escape, I do not want to die here.
I need to stop myself from living out this endless fear,
But I don't know how.

Please stop this word echoing in my head.

"We'll rest easy.

I've suffered a swift defeat.

...I'll endure countless repeats." Death Cab For Cutie

The sky is beautiful tonight. Like an electric explosion of phantasmic proportions. It's as though someone somewhere were trying to show us the answers by illuminating every last bit of the sky. Like some giant playing a kid's piano where each key he hits lights up...and our sky were his keyboard. Why do I always think it has meaning? If we are just giants playthings - let the giants play.



So here we are, planted, on this unfantastic world beneath the fantastic sky. I hope my giant owner is sympathetic, and that I am worth keeping.



The car is quiet, I have turned the music back on but there is nothing I feel like listening to. And my window is down, the breeze outside is perfect. I think the world could stop right here, right now, and be perfection frozen.



I can still smell him on my hands, though I've washed them a few times now. A sweet smell that catches the back of my nostrils. All I want to do is breathe him in, and keep him there, inside me. Safe from life and everything that might and will change. Or I just won't forget tonight. If only my memory were more reliable, I wouldn't cling to these moments so desperately.



Its getting late, and I should sleep. I hear distant dogs calling and mine yawn-grunting outside my open window. The thunder from this evenings storm is still rolling, over some distant suburb now, not mine. My knee is sore from all the hours I sit cross-legged on this office chair, and the wind is touching my skin through my top.



If I could take what I have and vacuum pack it, I think I might. There is no point to these ramblings, there is no complaining to be done, there is no heartache any more, no mystery tonight, no sadness. Just my brainwaves which seem to have migrated onto a whole new level. And I am happy for them to keep their lodgings, for as long as they will.



So goodnight, world. And thankyou. For giving me luck, happiness and perfection. I shall try and repay my dues, or keep my gratitude at least.

Love-ramblings

I had thought, that it was too good, too fast. Forgive me, I was mistaken. Good things do not wait. I wouldn’t stop this for anything. Nothing else seems as perfect as the moments I spend by your side – every moment since we have been together has been one small piece of perfection. This state of happiness I will gladly keep.

And you want to leave! Or maybe you don’t want to – not anymore – but I won’t let you hear me suspect that and I could never make you stay. Yet somehow, I don’t think that we have met at the wrong time – I think that a battle whose outcome is ideal is a battle worth fighting – and humans always need a war, so you can be mine.

You said the other morning that you woke up and rolled over, expecting me to be there. And I, expected too, to be right there next to you. Because now I know that’s where I am meant to be.

You have caught me – love makes me a hypocrite- we are often hypocrites, yes, but the difference is love makes one not care. And this is not some fickle lust, you are ideal in ways that I could not even have foreseen! I don’t need to check all those boxes on my list, no, I need to make new boxes, or write up a whole new list just for you. That is how amazing you are to me.

I don’t want to write things that will scare you – No, in fact, I do – I want you to be scared like I am I want for you to feel the meaning in my words and read between these lines, read all the things that I could not find the words to write – all those things we share which are beyond words and description. Every little smile, every pause, every happy sigh and wistful gaze… every lip-chew and lip-lick and deep breath. Every blink… every shiver down my spine. Every time that I tilt my head to the side and consider what I have written and the small doubts that fill my mind when I do – does he really want to hear this? Am I too soppy? Could he possibly like me as much as I like him…? Maybe I should stop here. Maybe I’m a fool. –

D, you have turned my world upside down! So amazingly quickly and forcefully that I am surprised that I am not shell-shocked! But being shell shocked would just waste minutes of this fantastic life that has unfolded here right in front of my eyes, freshly sparkling like rain in your garden, or stars in my sky, and twisting, like us on your bed… and exciting!

People can say what they will – though those who have seens us together or alone since we have been together can only bear testament to how good we are for each other – but I still feel that I am sane and rational! And possibly these do not seem like the words of a sane and rational girl and possibly I am misguided, but I feel crystal clear in what I want and it is exactly what I have.

I feel as though we could take on the world. Honestly, I am happy to stop searching for a soul-mate or anyone else because I have it all here in you! Where did you come from and will you please stay? Every smile you give me, every naughty grin, every tiny butterfly kiss kills me a little more inside, every tiny piece of your skin which touches mine brings me pleasure, every time you grab my hand and hide it behind you while we walk, every time you look at me and I don’t need to know what you are thinking, every time that you let me know you are thinking of me… oh every second of every day!!

I am not one for soppyness and romance. I know the above paragraph begs to differ! I was not one for holding hands, for pet names, for thinking about just one boy every night before I sleep, and every morning while I wake up and feeling his presence with me every second in between!

I have never felt so comfortable and at ease with someone, these words, like words cannot, are not capturing what it is I want you to know, how I feel for you and what you mean to me. Maybe these words are premature, but I have this feeling that I will send them to you anyway, because they have taken up my studytime and because you may enjoy reading them. And I didn’t have to stop for one second to write this tidal wave, it is pure unfiltered mind-speak! Even Milo has left my windowsill for want of attention…

This is my letter to say – that I have fallen for you completely and you have caught me so solidly in your arms that now I cannot bear to be anywhere else! In being with you I fee at peace, just knowing that ou are in my life and you are mine and you are staying makes me feel like the most blessed person in the universe! I honestly feel like some angel has looked at me and said “Leila you have been good, and now you shall be rewarded!”

It is the first time which I am not scared to show my feelings and let them pour because I feel – to use your expression – completely in harmony with you. I do not fear that you will not reciprocate, or you will run away, well, not too much anyway… And if you run, I might catch you!

So, because I have to study, and because I broke my train of thought to type this on my laptop to send to you right now, I will end off. I am debating whether or not to re-read this, if I do I may chicken out of sending it! Every single time I tell you I love you it feels like the first time, in the park where I could barely admit it, not so long ago, chilly-legged and happy-faced. I could have stayed there all night. And I have written you another such letter, but I was talking to you at the time, and this one I face on my own! You do not leave me much time to think and reflect these days, I either eat, sleep, varsity/study, or D! Yes, you are a verb ‘these days’. So I hope you’re smiling reading this, and if you aren’t: get smiling now!!

If you keep this letter, and you are now an old man reading this in your rocking chair: I have the following to tell you:

1. You’re still sexy! And you know it! Cheeky bugger!
2. I loved you. Maybe I still do!
3. You were the coolest 24yr old in the world to this 20 yr old girl (who is now an attractive granny with snow white curly hair)
4. Check under your rocking chair for stale gum, cause that’s just gross and you should really sort it out
5. I’m rambling, and I am famous for it so I have no shame! But I will shut up now!

Okay I got a bit off topic there… Don’t even ask what goes on inside my head!
I am going to stop talking and send this! And I want you to text me when you get it, cause I’m likely to be distracted from studying wondering if you’ve received it, if you’ve read it… what you think of it… etc etc

And to let you know I decided not to read it over so if there are errors, forgive me.

D, I love you completely.

All my heart
Leila xxx

See - If I say it one more time I'll believe

That this is forever

And if this is forever

Now more than ever

Tell me you love me.

I'm breathless from screaming

But you still can't hear me

So I'll say it one more time

That this is forever.

Yes, this is forever.

And when I say it, it never seems enough

I can't study - but oh well!
It is only my future at stake
And suddenly my future is more.

I am realising, why words fail me
There is nothing they could do to capture this.
So forgive my silence,
It speaks of a happy heart.

I....
Could stay forever like this - oh that I could!
Maybe....
but I say maybe too much,
And you think too much.
Maybe we can sort each other out.
I think we can live with it.

I cannot say out loud
Or even type
What only my mind dares think;
In moments of daze or subconciousness
So not to worry me too much.
Not realising that my heart is in tune.

It is
Perfection.
And any representation of it could only be imperfection!
But I want to document my heart falling,
Because I don't think it is coming back this time.

Seems Business Management can teach you something:

(A leader):
May not have all the answers,
But will know how to ask the right questions.

It took me a total of five minutes to leave the house this morning -
Five minutes, from bed to car.
I think it may be a record.

But I'm not proud, because it meant I was late for class,
And maybe it didn't matter,
Maybe it wasn't my fault,
Yeah, my phone was charging and that means the reminder didn't sound
But I should have set an alarm instead of a reminder.

I don't know,
I am reluctant to blame myself for the lack of attention my life and everything in it has been getting lately!
But they have been lacking.
Maybe I shouldn't give so much to begin with,
Then they would not feel the lack...
Is that viable?

I am so full of maybes!

I do not use these pages as my journal,
Not so simply.
Why am I writing like this?
So I can admit to myself,
That my attention has shifted one hundred percent?
And that I would not have it any other way?
Am I being selfish or just enjoying what's there for the taking...?
I always was a bit of a hedonist.

Balance: I should know that better than anyone.

So everyone, just don't think that I am not thinking about it.
I am.

It never seems the right time to say....

well, she is a new girl

i met her the other day actually

she has the amazing body!

and stunning gorgeous lines!

with a personality to match!

i couldnt believe my luck!

she just kinda appeared before me one day!

in my line of sight

smiling!

grinning from ear to ear

beaming

***

i cant think of what to say to get my feelings across this screen to your eyes!

***

Its like

when i kiss you i cant get enough

like i want you completely in me

to consume every inch of you

to tie every limb of mine in yours

to live through you breathing on me

and just stay in your aura

***

to be able to hold you

to be able to touch you

to feel your skin on mine

to taste you

to run fingers through your hair

to be in you

***

"Change as ye list, ye winds; my heart shall be

The faithful compass that still points to thee" J.Gay

Who thanks god every night I get home safe

Who finds happiness in my contentment

And would give his luxuries for my pleasure

Thank you for loving me

you dont have to think i'm perfect

you just have to want me around

Here's hoping
That you spare me one night of feeling
Because I can't say no and my feelings scare me
Here's hoping
That you know what you want or that you do not
I do not know which will save me

Suddenly I see so far into the future
and I don't know what to do with it
Here's hoping - Or not hoping -
That sense will catch me when the ground is not solid anymore
Or I try to walk across water to you
Here's hoping - that you do not read this and think me a fool
I'm hoping that I am not.

So maybe I'm a little bit drunk
Or just a bit over-tired

It's just..

I'm thinking
And non-comprehensible, half-comprehensible thoughts
That hold no reason for the writing of
But might spill out here in any case.

How everything in life is a delicate balance.
So easy to disrupt
If we trust our instinct,
Does instinct lead us to balance
Unlike our over-meditated actions
Which often throw us off course?

How we are all hypocrites
And most claim to hate them the most
Is it then only important that we do not become hypocrites in our own eyes
Or is this just some intricate type of deceit?

How it takes being out of one's mind
To speak it sometimes

And how fear is so crippling
Fear that the other will not feel the same
How many times have you not spoken
For fearing or for not knowing
Or just not to upset the balance?

But how comfortable can we stay sometimes?
It's the stupid stuff
That we want to forget the most
And it's the stupid stuff
That we want to remember.

Maybe it makes no sense.
Maybe nothing does.
But then those things that make sense,
Shouldn't one hold close to himself?

And love that which makes him sane
When his world is full of the insane
Even if it's just for understanding his unique insanity
Or being part of it.

Maybe,
Maybe.
Maybe...

'Good-night, good-night! Parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say good-night till it be morrow. '

Shakespeare

Do you ever wonder,
If who you fixate about,
Fixates about you too?

sometimes people are a certain way
because at that moment
they can't be any other way

and then
they try to play it down to you
to avoid it
because they're not proud,
and they want to forget

but they can't quite.

Sometimes, it feels so good to say goodbye.

Testing is poison.

It is only in testing a person, that they can fall short.
(Or is it rather that, without testing them, you would never notice their shortcomings?)
What is there to be gained by constantly putting others friendship to the test;
And hoping that they will prove you wrong,
When nobody can fulfill your expectations, or you have left no margin for error?
You convince yourself that what you perceive is justified, that what you feel has been validated.
You've tested it, after all.
You've tested them, they fell short.

So pray tell, what are you going to do now?


If the truth leaves me lonely, give me lies..
"Lie to me, love me, we'll run away from everything"
I ask for lies, all I do is ask for lies,
But I cannot handle them.
Yes, sometimes it seems the truth is overrated.
But sometimes it is the same world, with different coloured lenses.


What good does it do me to be cynical,
When I can let it slide..
What good does it do me?


If I doubt you, I leave you room to fulfill my doubt
I will not doubt you
If I test you I give you the chance to fail
You will not fail me
If I conceive that you can cause me pain, you just might
You cannot hurt me
If I wait for you to not be enough you might not ever be
You’re exactly what I need you to be
If I never admit that I need you, maybe you will never know
I need you
If I fear that you will leave me, I will allow myself to let you go
I never will.


Do not tell me I am weak for needing you, or for expecting you to be everything that I need you to be.
Do not call me unrealistic, nor foolish, or say that I am asking to be hurt.
I am just trying to live my life.
I chose you and I will not let you let me down so easy.
So I choose to believe that you are all of this.
And it suits me just fine.


It is only in testing a person, that they can fall short,
And so, I will never test you.

See. It pains to feel attacked,

Do you feel defenceless now?

***

"He’s alone in the night:
He’s afraid of the dark -
(Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!)
And then he asks himself - "Why?
Why did I?" - he says.
"throw it away,
give up my sun, my sky, my marvellous day?
Why -why - why
was I a fool?" he says.
So do I ask why
And I tell you I don’t know.
I only know-
as that suicide in vain
shivers for the loving sun
wishes his death undone,
his poison spilled-
so do I wish alive again
the love i killed."

from the play 'Come of Age', by Clemence Dane

I am thinking, that if chance were to take my life.
And I was offered one last chance
To rewind Time:
They would give me the life of someone who had committed suicide.
Because my life had been taken by chance,
and his by choice,
They could undo his but not mine.

Would I take it?

First thoughts on being a warrior.

“For the warrior, there is no such thing as an impossible love”

‘For the warrior, there is not such thing as an impossible love.

He is not intimidated by silence, indifference, or rejection. He knows that, behind the mask of ice that people wear, there beats a heart of fire.
This is why the warrior takes more risks than other people. He is constantly seeking the love of someone, even if that means often having to hear the word “no”, returning home defeated and feeling rejected in body and soul.

A warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs. Without love, he is nothing.”

Paulo Coelho – Manual of The Warrior of Light

I have always known I was a warrior. I do not blindly accept.

Oftentimes I find myself reacting abnormally to situations. Rationalizing differently, or not seeing the need to rationalize when others demand my explanations. They seem not to understand, that sometimes love alone is enough reason.

I am at worst, aggressive, at best, strong. Some of us are born with some innate power, that we must tame. Or it will consume us, control us.

A warrior does not kill the innocent.

One has to have faith in oneself, to protect others, and for anyone else to have faith in them. I believe in myself, and so have found that throughout my few years thus far, people have been able to believe in me, and trust me.

But does a warrior feel pride? For when someone has not trusted me, I have found it hard to handle. But I have grown and instead of fighting my downfalls, I try to acknowledge them.

Understanding that I am a warrior, I seek to control my emotions. But this I struggle with. Few things affect me but those that seldomly do, I take to heart. If without love, I am nothing, then I must accept the shadows that only love can cast across my joy. Without faltering. I do not fall, nor break apart, but you will see through my eyes if my spirit has been wounded.

I know, that I am not the same. And I seek to perfect what I have been landed with, while not fighting my imperfections. Do not look at me one day and think I have always been thus.

I have crafted a mind which runneth like a stream, for the most part smooth and unhindered, helpful and calm.
But my stream meets a river, and seeing the river, is humbled. The river has such strength that he can overcome any animal who attempts crossing: my stream merely trickles.
This warrior acts on gut instinct, and lacks the internal dialogue of the wizard.

This warrior has much to learn.