This is mine because you, you can't touch it

And I will say what I please

I will talk my uninterrupted flow of speech

and not have to divert for your interjections

That is what you see here.

And more

I seek to understand, those who cross my path, those who fill my life. I want to know what drives them, what makes them tick, their desires, their wants, needs, passions, thoughts...

I don't know, how much of this goal I achieve, how much I truly understand, for when I do, or think I do, still so much surprises me and evades me.

My parents taught me, that no one has your back like your family, but my family let me down. So, my immediate family, they have my back, yes, but they are few and I cannot tell them everything, if I could would they still support me as they do now?

I always differed, always wished to believe that somewhere out there there were good people, who I could trust as well. Somehow, they have all let me down.

Maybe not all, but am I then to conclude that the one who doesn't (for I don't think that more than one is possible), is the one I keep? Because this is what I have concluded. The one person, who does not let me down, that will be the person I marry, because above all, that is what I hold dear, someone who will honour my feelings as much as they do their own. Someone who I believe deserves me. It is not my place here to speculate on whether I have found him, for my previous ramblings will divulge.

Why? I have no mighty to appeal to, but I implore that the universe answer me. Why, can I not understand what drives these people who hurt me so much? And do they know how they hurt me?

Maybe I am hasty to say my family do not hurt me, for two nights ago found me in my sister's room, murmuring that she did not know how much what she did hurt me. And she didn't. I have been all but tears of late, and those who I believed would support me, have mostly failed me.

I will not ask now, whether I have failed them too, for I ask too often. My heart is pure, and here they must realise that whatever I do I do from love, that I fight my instincts to rage, and argue back, to defend myself, and to interrogate... all of this I do in return for a little love, a little loyalty. Please give me some.

It seems this mind is always misunderstood. Is this how everyone feels, inside?

'They don't do one thing but sing their heart out for us

That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'

Harper Lee

you can't change a person's feelings,
so what do you do? give up? walk away?

*

i am tired, so tired of fighting for friendships.

I am afraid.

Not, that what I have is not good enough, No...
That what I have is too good,

I am afraid.
Of letting it go
In search of something less perfect
To keep my mind turning

This is not valor, No...
If only I knew what it were

But I will not let this go.

Lovelovelovelovelove:)

Our damsel
Light headed and forgetful,
Tripping over all the love contained
In a half used deoderant

She was a monster
Without remorse
But for him she gave her monsters away
Bundled and stuffed
With three eyes
To keep him safe

Her prince charming
Big haired and bigger hearted
(Who had ants in his pants)
And was just what she wanted

He read books to please her
And learnt how to tease her
Was so talented and sweet
Liked her tickling his feet
And having his hair played with

Under bright lights and stars
And itchy from the grass
A little too happy
And unconfused
They painted a picture of their future with poems
But this time it was true

They rediscovered rain
Fell from the sky - and landed
In rooms filled with pillows
With doors that opened into secret gardens
Who were witness to their love
If not more
-oh!-
And almost every time they loved there was panic on the wall
(They laughed about it)

Pizza parlours they attacked early
Their tummies hungry and eyes pearly
To picnic in the park
Where they would cavort when it was dark
Until midnight or so

They ran they danced
They cartwheeled, and pranced
Through pouring rain and storm
And promised each other,
Beneath the awful weather
To never leave the other alone

Benecklaced and braceleted
One linked to the other
Seperated by miles and miles
Of towns and roads and bother
But his love kept her warm
And he was too warm under his blankets
They chatted all day
And both were so thankful

For eternities
Which lasted three months
And how they were soon to be together
How he could travel the world
And never forget her
But he wouldn't without her
And she would wait forever
And forever
Just wasn't enough

Well what more to say -
Of two brains so matched,
That life could not be
More melodic and relaxed?
Except that no version of paradise
Could be anywhere near as nice
As their perfect future.

"like, when i say he's perfect...he is perfect
i cant conceive that i could find someone better
with other people there were always things at the back of my mind telling me it couldnt be forever, yknow? like, its a fling, not serious
and you know they arent right for you completely
but with him, there isn't that little alarm in the back of my head
there is no reason why i wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with him
in fact, there's every reason that i would want to!"

and the best part is,

that he feels the same way

Leaving

"I will wait forever,

Cause I think you're the one"

A Skylit Drive

Thank goodness these signs stifle my tears
Now I look to someone to suffocate my fears

You think the day will never come
But it does and you are possibly even less prepared
Than the first day when you conceived the idea

So here it is
And I feel a thousand million times worse than I thought I would
And it hurts and
I'm alone again

Who will hold me now?

Dad...

Please talk to me.

Don't you love me anymore?
My heart...
It is sore.

If it pains you that he calls me his best friend and not you
Why are you not there for him when he needs you?

Is it selfish
To want to keep her because you love her
Even if she does not love you?

Is it selfish
To force her to stay by declaring yourself upset
When she is doubt-ridden

Is it foolish
To want to be loved
When she is unsure

She just needs a little space
To experience her whole life from here
You don't remember what it was like?
And you, you need to find someone
Who is at the same stage as you.

I tried to explain this to you before
But you thought I was taking the piss
I tried to tell you my doubts
So I could save you from this
But all it achieved was double hurt,
Our hurt when we argued,
And your hurt now

So I won't bother saying I told you so
But I did.

It was never that I wasn't happy for you
It was just I saw too clearly.

Not enough days before my sweetheart leaves....

Not enough days...!

What will I do when he's gone

What will I do?

To a friend, not even half of my thoughts.

I ask you not, because I would have you sad
But rather because I need to understand
To be there for you when you inevitably fall from this farce
That you yourself have admitted is not forever
So then why do you deliberately isolate yourself?
Maybe,maybe,maybe I am wrong,
I can only hope that this is so
But I see your soul has leaked from your eyes
Does she keep it?
Because I can not even see hers.

Love is not some competition
But what lies beneath what you say, and do
All the empty actions
That I do not need although it is I who you compete with.
If I could only see into your head...
But I wish this too often
I just feel that I am losing you, my friend
And was that not your greatest fear?
So why then, do you push us away?

I try to reason with you
But your thoughts are aimless
And your excuses feeble
What are your true reasons for not wanting to stay?

Your gaze betrays you
And your knock-backs do not make me doubt my choice
It only your so called lover who suffers
Because your love goes only as far as you can prove.
So where do we go from here?
Though I do not await your demise,
I must keep it in mind
Although you pretend that you don't need me now
Or you do things that push me away
My loyalty means I will stay
Because then you will need me.
Is it good enough reason?

Nothing you say or do I can believe
And we do not connect
What is left? what is left?
You test the ones who I love
And disappoint me yourself
What now?

I do not know, and dare not think whether this may be an ending, or if this is a change. Whether it is permanent, what it is and whether I can handle it.

"How did we get here?

I used to know you so well,

How did we get here?

I think I know how."

Paramore - Decode

Friendship, again

Why is it

That we chase the ones who constantly disappoint us?

And push away the ones who are always there.

I aim to fix all of my mistakes
But ignorance never bred perfection
So I need you to show me where I step out of line
I don't want to be a hypocrite like you
I, in turn
Will show you your faults
Because this is what I want you to do for me

I point out your mistakes,

Not,

Because I want a fight or to attack you

Not,

Because I hate you

But,

Because I love you

And,

I want to keep you

And

Not keep resentment

Please do not misunderstand my intentions
I do not want to be left alone
Just when I begin to rely on you again
You let me fall
Am I chasing disappointment like you?
Or am I getting what I deserve,
Because I believe that your pain is because of how you have hurt me?

Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"

Never again, never again, never again

Never again, never again, never again....

Brand New

Reflection

I have sat, and I have thought.
You always make me feel better.

My helplessness is cured,
And I am strong once more.

I will not stop believing I am better,
So watch me fix my weaknesses.

***

What is love?

She's not searching for rainbows

What is love?

I go where ever the wind blows

What is love...?

Someone I can talk to every night

Someone I can talk to every night....

Rookie of the Year

Stupidity

I am not one for jealousy.

I feel distraught - I am so used to being the smart one, the natural...should I relinquish my title, or change my field?

It depresses me, that my old tactics work no longer, and it is only my luck which pulls me through now - or so it would seem. I am disheartened, I have no will to exert myself if my exertion does not achieve excellence - and yet I know, that it is my lack of exertion which is my downfall. I am so used to it all coming easily.

I am stuck. I do not know how to change. And again my fears of being second best are being agitated, it seems they will always find a way to manifest themselves. I can hardly admit this all to myself: to these pages it is one thousand times harder. What do I do?

I am in a dilemma, I see my predicament and yet I am incapable of saving myself. I feel like, I am a patient stuck in an operating theatre, numb but left conscious, and I am watching the operation which will be the death of me. My metaphor is over-dramatic, but I am panicking.
And in the back of my mind it repeats -

Life is the same dramas

Repeated again and again

We just play different roles.

Please save me from this never-ending loop, I am in crisis.
Please help me escape, I do not want to die here.
I need to stop myself from living out this endless fear,
But I don't know how.

Please stop this word echoing in my head.

"We'll rest easy.

I've suffered a swift defeat.

...I'll endure countless repeats." Death Cab For Cutie

The sky is beautiful tonight. Like an electric explosion of phantasmic proportions. It's as though someone somewhere were trying to show us the answers by illuminating every last bit of the sky. Like some giant playing a kid's piano where each key he hits lights up...and our sky were his keyboard. Why do I always think it has meaning? If we are just giants playthings - let the giants play.



So here we are, planted, on this unfantastic world beneath the fantastic sky. I hope my giant owner is sympathetic, and that I am worth keeping.



The car is quiet, I have turned the music back on but there is nothing I feel like listening to. And my window is down, the breeze outside is perfect. I think the world could stop right here, right now, and be perfection frozen.



I can still smell him on my hands, though I've washed them a few times now. A sweet smell that catches the back of my nostrils. All I want to do is breathe him in, and keep him there, inside me. Safe from life and everything that might and will change. Or I just won't forget tonight. If only my memory were more reliable, I wouldn't cling to these moments so desperately.



Its getting late, and I should sleep. I hear distant dogs calling and mine yawn-grunting outside my open window. The thunder from this evenings storm is still rolling, over some distant suburb now, not mine. My knee is sore from all the hours I sit cross-legged on this office chair, and the wind is touching my skin through my top.



If I could take what I have and vacuum pack it, I think I might. There is no point to these ramblings, there is no complaining to be done, there is no heartache any more, no mystery tonight, no sadness. Just my brainwaves which seem to have migrated onto a whole new level. And I am happy for them to keep their lodgings, for as long as they will.



So goodnight, world. And thankyou. For giving me luck, happiness and perfection. I shall try and repay my dues, or keep my gratitude at least.

Love-ramblings

I had thought, that it was too good, too fast. Forgive me, I was mistaken. Good things do not wait. I wouldn’t stop this for anything. Nothing else seems as perfect as the moments I spend by your side – every moment since we have been together has been one small piece of perfection. This state of happiness I will gladly keep.

And you want to leave! Or maybe you don’t want to – not anymore – but I won’t let you hear me suspect that and I could never make you stay. Yet somehow, I don’t think that we have met at the wrong time – I think that a battle whose outcome is ideal is a battle worth fighting – and humans always need a war, so you can be mine.

You said the other morning that you woke up and rolled over, expecting me to be there. And I, expected too, to be right there next to you. Because now I know that’s where I am meant to be.

You have caught me – love makes me a hypocrite- we are often hypocrites, yes, but the difference is love makes one not care. And this is not some fickle lust, you are ideal in ways that I could not even have foreseen! I don’t need to check all those boxes on my list, no, I need to make new boxes, or write up a whole new list just for you. That is how amazing you are to me.

I don’t want to write things that will scare you – No, in fact, I do – I want you to be scared like I am I want for you to feel the meaning in my words and read between these lines, read all the things that I could not find the words to write – all those things we share which are beyond words and description. Every little smile, every pause, every happy sigh and wistful gaze… every lip-chew and lip-lick and deep breath. Every blink… every shiver down my spine. Every time that I tilt my head to the side and consider what I have written and the small doubts that fill my mind when I do – does he really want to hear this? Am I too soppy? Could he possibly like me as much as I like him…? Maybe I should stop here. Maybe I’m a fool. –

D, you have turned my world upside down! So amazingly quickly and forcefully that I am surprised that I am not shell-shocked! But being shell shocked would just waste minutes of this fantastic life that has unfolded here right in front of my eyes, freshly sparkling like rain in your garden, or stars in my sky, and twisting, like us on your bed… and exciting!

People can say what they will – though those who have seens us together or alone since we have been together can only bear testament to how good we are for each other – but I still feel that I am sane and rational! And possibly these do not seem like the words of a sane and rational girl and possibly I am misguided, but I feel crystal clear in what I want and it is exactly what I have.

I feel as though we could take on the world. Honestly, I am happy to stop searching for a soul-mate or anyone else because I have it all here in you! Where did you come from and will you please stay? Every smile you give me, every naughty grin, every tiny butterfly kiss kills me a little more inside, every tiny piece of your skin which touches mine brings me pleasure, every time you grab my hand and hide it behind you while we walk, every time you look at me and I don’t need to know what you are thinking, every time that you let me know you are thinking of me… oh every second of every day!!

I am not one for soppyness and romance. I know the above paragraph begs to differ! I was not one for holding hands, for pet names, for thinking about just one boy every night before I sleep, and every morning while I wake up and feeling his presence with me every second in between!

I have never felt so comfortable and at ease with someone, these words, like words cannot, are not capturing what it is I want you to know, how I feel for you and what you mean to me. Maybe these words are premature, but I have this feeling that I will send them to you anyway, because they have taken up my studytime and because you may enjoy reading them. And I didn’t have to stop for one second to write this tidal wave, it is pure unfiltered mind-speak! Even Milo has left my windowsill for want of attention…

This is my letter to say – that I have fallen for you completely and you have caught me so solidly in your arms that now I cannot bear to be anywhere else! In being with you I fee at peace, just knowing that ou are in my life and you are mine and you are staying makes me feel like the most blessed person in the universe! I honestly feel like some angel has looked at me and said “Leila you have been good, and now you shall be rewarded!”

It is the first time which I am not scared to show my feelings and let them pour because I feel – to use your expression – completely in harmony with you. I do not fear that you will not reciprocate, or you will run away, well, not too much anyway… And if you run, I might catch you!

So, because I have to study, and because I broke my train of thought to type this on my laptop to send to you right now, I will end off. I am debating whether or not to re-read this, if I do I may chicken out of sending it! Every single time I tell you I love you it feels like the first time, in the park where I could barely admit it, not so long ago, chilly-legged and happy-faced. I could have stayed there all night. And I have written you another such letter, but I was talking to you at the time, and this one I face on my own! You do not leave me much time to think and reflect these days, I either eat, sleep, varsity/study, or D! Yes, you are a verb ‘these days’. So I hope you’re smiling reading this, and if you aren’t: get smiling now!!

If you keep this letter, and you are now an old man reading this in your rocking chair: I have the following to tell you:

1. You’re still sexy! And you know it! Cheeky bugger!
2. I loved you. Maybe I still do!
3. You were the coolest 24yr old in the world to this 20 yr old girl (who is now an attractive granny with snow white curly hair)
4. Check under your rocking chair for stale gum, cause that’s just gross and you should really sort it out
5. I’m rambling, and I am famous for it so I have no shame! But I will shut up now!

Okay I got a bit off topic there… Don’t even ask what goes on inside my head!
I am going to stop talking and send this! And I want you to text me when you get it, cause I’m likely to be distracted from studying wondering if you’ve received it, if you’ve read it… what you think of it… etc etc

And to let you know I decided not to read it over so if there are errors, forgive me.

D, I love you completely.

All my heart
Leila xxx

See - If I say it one more time I'll believe

That this is forever

And if this is forever

Now more than ever

Tell me you love me.

I'm breathless from screaming

But you still can't hear me

So I'll say it one more time

That this is forever.

Yes, this is forever.

And when I say it, it never seems enough

I can't study - but oh well!
It is only my future at stake
And suddenly my future is more.

I am realising, why words fail me
There is nothing they could do to capture this.
So forgive my silence,
It speaks of a happy heart.

I....
Could stay forever like this - oh that I could!
Maybe....
but I say maybe too much,
And you think too much.
Maybe we can sort each other out.
I think we can live with it.

I cannot say out loud
Or even type
What only my mind dares think;
In moments of daze or subconciousness
So not to worry me too much.
Not realising that my heart is in tune.

It is
Perfection.
And any representation of it could only be imperfection!
But I want to document my heart falling,
Because I don't think it is coming back this time.