bubblegumdroplets

its not the i love you in the morning
or the rose that's just the right colour
it's not the way you tell me i'm gorgeous
or that you're the perfect lover

it's when i'm innocently walking

and you fart next to me

and i can smell it

and that not even the shower is sacred

it's the way you only take ten seconds-

to do the important things

its the bathroom floor and the litter you leave there

its the way you can dress like a hobo

and i won't care

it's the spicy food that makes your eyebrows sweat

and the way you let me make you wear an alice band

if you can call it an alex band

the way you pinch or bite me too hard and hurt me

or massage my (sore) knee and almost paralyze me

the way you interrogate your gran about me

and how your feet are always dirty

but you insist on putting them near me

its the way you try to rob me of sugars in my tea

and how you pat my head when i wee

its how your cat scratches me

the dogs ignore me

you finish all the m&m's

that's how i know you love me

What do we do?

What do we do when a loved one is hurting, if we cannot take the pain on our shoulders for them? For taking their pain we introduce our dilemma to them, although solving the first.

What do we do when we have acted from emotion, and hurt a loved ones feelings? For our feelings have been allieviated, or lessened, but are replaced by guilt.

What do we do when we know we cannot change a loved one, but a loved one's behaviour is wrong, and hurts us? Do we have any other choice but to keep quiet, and to hurt?

What do we do, when we aren't sure of anything we ever think, because it changes daily? Do not think, or wait?... how long can we wait for?

What do you do when you doubt your own heart, express it or suppress it, hurt a loved one or hurt yourself? How do you decide?

Must we all be selfish? Why then do we try to fix the selfish ones?

What do we do?

What are you, my boyfriend's brothers girlfriend, or my friend?

Does a friend leave her friend lonely and upset?

And not allowed to be upset or lonely or angry, because you are too nice, and everyone knows it.

So then why are you not nice to me?

Is it ignorance, or inexperience, that breeds jealousy? For I agree it breeds contempt. Although to accept superiority can be harder than it seems on face value: Sometimes it is comfortable to know your place in the jungle, below your stronger inmates... and in the cities, below your elders; but this cannot always work, age does not always present wisdom, No, I am sorry it does not. It should. But you have not seen what I have seen, and you have seen things that I haven't that have tainted you differently... and so in these aspects I am matured. And if you did not hurt others I would attribute you the same maturity. But you do hurt them. And not see the truth. So I have to accept my authority.

Thoughts on innocence

Animals and kids I get along with, they like me. If there are kids or animals in the room, they're probably next to me: It's easy with them, I give them love, and they love me back. Simple as that. No secret, no talent or knack for it, they just flock to the person who gives them love and attention.

Guess that's why adults confuse me, because with adults, it isn't like that. You can give an adult love till you're blue in the face, and they might not realise it, or like you. Because somewhere in the process of growing-up we are taught that just because someone loves you, it doesn't make them a good person. Or mean that you have to love them back. What a pity...

Must be that there are more factors to consider when you're grown, but for me, I would rather follow the innocent thought pattern of a child, or the non-existent thought pattern of a dog. If I reciprocate what I recieve from a person, my world should be balanced. I don't suppose even I follow this mantra though, because I have wasted so much love on people who do not return it. Whereas if I were a child, or an animal, I would long since have avoided them.

How curious, the nature of the human.

Why do you keep a friendship which hurts you?

In memory of what it once was,

Or in hope that it will be fixed?

I don't know.

This is mine because you, you can't touch it

And I will say what I please

I will talk my uninterrupted flow of speech

and not have to divert for your interjections

That is what you see here.

And more

I seek to understand, those who cross my path, those who fill my life. I want to know what drives them, what makes them tick, their desires, their wants, needs, passions, thoughts...

I don't know, how much of this goal I achieve, how much I truly understand, for when I do, or think I do, still so much surprises me and evades me.

My parents taught me, that no one has your back like your family, but my family let me down. So, my immediate family, they have my back, yes, but they are few and I cannot tell them everything, if I could would they still support me as they do now?

I always differed, always wished to believe that somewhere out there there were good people, who I could trust as well. Somehow, they have all let me down.

Maybe not all, but am I then to conclude that the one who doesn't (for I don't think that more than one is possible), is the one I keep? Because this is what I have concluded. The one person, who does not let me down, that will be the person I marry, because above all, that is what I hold dear, someone who will honour my feelings as much as they do their own. Someone who I believe deserves me. It is not my place here to speculate on whether I have found him, for my previous ramblings will divulge.

Why? I have no mighty to appeal to, but I implore that the universe answer me. Why, can I not understand what drives these people who hurt me so much? And do they know how they hurt me?

Maybe I am hasty to say my family do not hurt me, for two nights ago found me in my sister's room, murmuring that she did not know how much what she did hurt me. And she didn't. I have been all but tears of late, and those who I believed would support me, have mostly failed me.

I will not ask now, whether I have failed them too, for I ask too often. My heart is pure, and here they must realise that whatever I do I do from love, that I fight my instincts to rage, and argue back, to defend myself, and to interrogate... all of this I do in return for a little love, a little loyalty. Please give me some.

It seems this mind is always misunderstood. Is this how everyone feels, inside?

'They don't do one thing but sing their heart out for us

That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'

Harper Lee

you can't change a person's feelings,
so what do you do? give up? walk away?

*

i am tired, so tired of fighting for friendships.

I am afraid.

Not, that what I have is not good enough, No...
That what I have is too good,

I am afraid.
Of letting it go
In search of something less perfect
To keep my mind turning

This is not valor, No...
If only I knew what it were

But I will not let this go.

Lovelovelovelovelove:)

Our damsel
Light headed and forgetful,
Tripping over all the love contained
In a half used deoderant

She was a monster
Without remorse
But for him she gave her monsters away
Bundled and stuffed
With three eyes
To keep him safe

Her prince charming
Big haired and bigger hearted
(Who had ants in his pants)
And was just what she wanted

He read books to please her
And learnt how to tease her
Was so talented and sweet
Liked her tickling his feet
And having his hair played with

Under bright lights and stars
And itchy from the grass
A little too happy
And unconfused
They painted a picture of their future with poems
But this time it was true

They rediscovered rain
Fell from the sky - and landed
In rooms filled with pillows
With doors that opened into secret gardens
Who were witness to their love
If not more
-oh!-
And almost every time they loved there was panic on the wall
(They laughed about it)

Pizza parlours they attacked early
Their tummies hungry and eyes pearly
To picnic in the park
Where they would cavort when it was dark
Until midnight or so

They ran they danced
They cartwheeled, and pranced
Through pouring rain and storm
And promised each other,
Beneath the awful weather
To never leave the other alone

Benecklaced and braceleted
One linked to the other
Seperated by miles and miles
Of towns and roads and bother
But his love kept her warm
And he was too warm under his blankets
They chatted all day
And both were so thankful

For eternities
Which lasted three months
And how they were soon to be together
How he could travel the world
And never forget her
But he wouldn't without her
And she would wait forever
And forever
Just wasn't enough

Well what more to say -
Of two brains so matched,
That life could not be
More melodic and relaxed?
Except that no version of paradise
Could be anywhere near as nice
As their perfect future.

"like, when i say he's perfect...he is perfect
i cant conceive that i could find someone better
with other people there were always things at the back of my mind telling me it couldnt be forever, yknow? like, its a fling, not serious
and you know they arent right for you completely
but with him, there isn't that little alarm in the back of my head
there is no reason why i wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with him
in fact, there's every reason that i would want to!"

and the best part is,

that he feels the same way

Leaving

"I will wait forever,

Cause I think you're the one"

A Skylit Drive

Thank goodness these signs stifle my tears
Now I look to someone to suffocate my fears

You think the day will never come
But it does and you are possibly even less prepared
Than the first day when you conceived the idea

So here it is
And I feel a thousand million times worse than I thought I would
And it hurts and
I'm alone again

Who will hold me now?

Dad...

Please talk to me.

Don't you love me anymore?
My heart...
It is sore.

If it pains you that he calls me his best friend and not you
Why are you not there for him when he needs you?

Is it selfish
To want to keep her because you love her
Even if she does not love you?

Is it selfish
To force her to stay by declaring yourself upset
When she is doubt-ridden

Is it foolish
To want to be loved
When she is unsure

She just needs a little space
To experience her whole life from here
You don't remember what it was like?
And you, you need to find someone
Who is at the same stage as you.

I tried to explain this to you before
But you thought I was taking the piss
I tried to tell you my doubts
So I could save you from this
But all it achieved was double hurt,
Our hurt when we argued,
And your hurt now

So I won't bother saying I told you so
But I did.

It was never that I wasn't happy for you
It was just I saw too clearly.

Not enough days before my sweetheart leaves....

Not enough days...!

What will I do when he's gone

What will I do?

To a friend, not even half of my thoughts.

I ask you not, because I would have you sad
But rather because I need to understand
To be there for you when you inevitably fall from this farce
That you yourself have admitted is not forever
So then why do you deliberately isolate yourself?
Maybe,maybe,maybe I am wrong,
I can only hope that this is so
But I see your soul has leaked from your eyes
Does she keep it?
Because I can not even see hers.

Love is not some competition
But what lies beneath what you say, and do
All the empty actions
That I do not need although it is I who you compete with.
If I could only see into your head...
But I wish this too often
I just feel that I am losing you, my friend
And was that not your greatest fear?
So why then, do you push us away?

I try to reason with you
But your thoughts are aimless
And your excuses feeble
What are your true reasons for not wanting to stay?

Your gaze betrays you
And your knock-backs do not make me doubt my choice
It only your so called lover who suffers
Because your love goes only as far as you can prove.
So where do we go from here?
Though I do not await your demise,
I must keep it in mind
Although you pretend that you don't need me now
Or you do things that push me away
My loyalty means I will stay
Because then you will need me.
Is it good enough reason?

Nothing you say or do I can believe
And we do not connect
What is left? what is left?
You test the ones who I love
And disappoint me yourself
What now?

I do not know, and dare not think whether this may be an ending, or if this is a change. Whether it is permanent, what it is and whether I can handle it.

"How did we get here?

I used to know you so well,

How did we get here?

I think I know how."

Paramore - Decode

Friendship, again

Why is it

That we chase the ones who constantly disappoint us?

And push away the ones who are always there.

I aim to fix all of my mistakes
But ignorance never bred perfection
So I need you to show me where I step out of line
I don't want to be a hypocrite like you
I, in turn
Will show you your faults
Because this is what I want you to do for me

I point out your mistakes,

Not,

Because I want a fight or to attack you

Not,

Because I hate you

But,

Because I love you

And,

I want to keep you

And

Not keep resentment

Please do not misunderstand my intentions
I do not want to be left alone
Just when I begin to rely on you again
You let me fall
Am I chasing disappointment like you?
Or am I getting what I deserve,
Because I believe that your pain is because of how you have hurt me?

Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"

Never again, never again, never again

Never again, never again, never again....

Brand New

Reflection

I have sat, and I have thought.
You always make me feel better.

My helplessness is cured,
And I am strong once more.

I will not stop believing I am better,
So watch me fix my weaknesses.

***

What is love?

She's not searching for rainbows

What is love?

I go where ever the wind blows

What is love...?

Someone I can talk to every night

Someone I can talk to every night....

Rookie of the Year