When your blog is not soppy enough, fill it!

Dear Mrs Leila *********,

It has come to my attention that there are certain things in life which are worth every second of conscious and unconscious thought.
Plain and simple, you are those thoughts and only you. I have also discovered what it means to love and be loved. I have discovered what it means to have someone so close to my heart and soul that they can climb inside and light a fire. Not just any little camp fire but a raging waterfall of fire! I cant tell you how glad I am that this kind of raging fire cannot be extinguished. It will continue burning for as far as I can see!

I trust that the aforementioned thoughts are in your best interests and that you will take to heart, my feelings.

Kind Regards and Volee at the top of my lungs, Mr Duncan *******

PS. You are the only thing I think of when the word Beautiful comes to mind

All the dark hills we stumble by night

All the little valleys we day or night dream in

Belong to you

You are king of these lands in my head

Snippets of a sunset

The darkness is eating the world from the ground up
We could be sinking into the jaws of some giant
Who puts all the elements on hold,
And puts our days on pause

Bright fire orange!
It must be the very pits of his soul we have reached
And the last few clouds, scratchmarks in the sky.
Like some desperate attempt of the sun to escape

Your eyes, like the top of the sky turned three times brighter and bluer

The baby blue descending on the orange
And the moon, the giant's eye, a slit
In the moment before he sleeps
Like he wants one last glimpse of his lover
Before sleep catches him and takes his sight
Some desperate attempt to dream of her
If she is the last thing he catches sight of

One little slit, before he can't hold it any longer

Like us, every night

Every lonely night

Every night I sleep next to your shadow

Every moment I walk in your wake

And you in mine

But so far away

Is it right
To pull me up on mistakes
that are one in a hundred

Is it fair
To fail me on things you weren't testing me on

I am scared
Again
You scare me so

And this heavy sinking feeling in my stomach
Might pull me down and drown me
If you don't save me
You

If you know I am not selfish
why do you pull me up on things that make me selfish
When it is a weak point of mine
When I constantly wonder if I am selfish or not
And you are the one who needs to reassure me
You do but everytime you did now means nothing
Because of what you just said

Why do you remember things that I do not

Why do you cry more than me
And make me feel guilty
For crying and making you feel guilty
And for your tears
But you're so pretty when you cry

I just want to be perfect to you
The only person who I need to be perfect for
But you call me imperfect

You
make
me
feel
weak

I am so weak for loving you
So weak for forgiving you
So weak

I will forgive you one thousand times
Without you asking
I fear I may have to beg for yours
and one thousand times I will upset you
Because of my mistakes

Do I make them too often
Or do you just wait for them

My heart, it is heavy

They call them friends

But they lie to me...

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie

In my eyes

I need help
On what do we base our decisions?
- On what is most important to us...?
What if what is most important today isn't as important to us tomorrow?
- On something stable?
Can we trust anything to remain so?
.
How do I advise my lover when my heart is too much in it and I cannot bear to be without him, but I love him so much that I need him to make the right choice?
I feel as though I am the obstacle that hinders the situation I now assess.
.

Is there time?

Is there time?

To follow just one desire?

.

Is there time?

Is there time,

To follow your heart?

.
Of one thing I am certain, that we will be together.
But does this make for foolish decision making?
Is this a wise base for him or me to make our decisions on, yet?

I am scared. But not scared.

We are getting older.

What do I do?

I forgive them
because I love them

...I have no choice

It is hard to feel dejected, and alone
I know I am just over-tired
But little rifts feel like earthcrackwars
My earth may crack open

I find my numbness in the television
But I know it cannot save me from tomorrow
and that time is running away with me

Why do they choose now to argue me?
I don't know
Why does he choose now to leave me overdramaticallyalone?

I pull him, knowing full well his anchorboat is moored
But I pull him all the same
I cannot help myself, it is my game, to hurt myself to see who saves me

The night is hollow, my legs tingle, my back is stiff
The house is empty. But who knows and who looks for me this darktonight?

Whose shoes am I filling, have I not learnt my lesson yet?
and why does my puppetmaster not release me

I chase my dreams to escape, in wakefulness I chase my sleep
to comfort me for the day has not enough hours to settle me
and i have closed the pressurelid upon myself
and it is you who test me, but i have not understood yet
what is it you wish to see, my pass or my fail?

my day has been long - longer than yours because mine has run for two endless weeks with wings and my mind imploring me not to fail myself. or answer to my Regret. I fear him.

I fear his unloving eyes and harsh words - that need no hearing -
they speak straight to my brain
some direct poison to put me to sleep quickly
so I do not feel the pain.

For this long week, my tears flow easily now
and in knowing this, I must equate my tears
- to you and your preoccupation
- to you and your anger
- to you and your thoughtlessness

I only need to know you are thinking of me.... it satisfies me to know the thought is there. Half the time I don't need the action. Just fight for me. I need to feel I am worth it. this is what i need.
But you? what do you need?

The TV is silent

I sit alone

Where are you now?

And what thoughts occupy your mind?

I just want to know.

I just want to know.

You aren't invincible,
If you are scared of me

You aren't in love

If you aren't happy.

And you aren't my friend

If you ignore me.

I've got it - what gets me

It's "we"

The fact that the "we" you spoke of,

consists of you and people other than me

Secrets

For the sake of it

I don't wish that it hurts you

But I am satisfied that it does

We are always placed in the other's shoes

And as much as you hurt me then, You feel now

I wonder if you notice?

And if you don't, am I satisfied?

I will just wait.

This world turns and spins us dizzy into situations

we were once so eager to decide

based on our own interests

So now should I pity your interests,

when it is your turn to suffer?

When you didn't pity mine?

I won't.

A saturated mind will reveal...

I have been thinking...
A few things, recently, and none with too much connection to the real world. I don't want any of you to worry.

Boredom has been reverberating, in my head, not the feeling, but the word instead. We have talked - it is often in discussion which I become aware of my own true feelings first... My thoughts are not structured like my speech must be.

Getting to know someone is wonderful, exciting, brilliant! This, we have always known. But once that stage is over, I am learning, there is something left. The residue, if you bear it out... Not all relationships are worth bearing of course, with some, the thrill dies and takes with it the meaning. But with others, the thrill dies and leaves you with something quite different... a true friend. Someone who knows you, and still stays. Who can make you smile, but annoy you more than anyone else because they are supposed to be different. Someone who you expect more from, but sometimes get less... Then the moment you settle with expecting less, they surprise you by giving you tenfold. Yes, a friend. Someone who you can share your woes with, until they're sick of it and tell you to shut up - because they know they still have to bear seeing you tomorrow.

Loyalty, friendship, trust... These things remain and these must replace the original thrill. It doesn't matter whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship. This is another of my theories, maybe, but my theories shape my world and I love my world! I believe, it is in changing your perspective, and the way you view it, that the next stage becomes exciting too. Like those multi-coloured crystals where you see a different colour from every different angle... Some colours you may not like... Some colours you may tire of.

Another thing, maybe not on the same strain, has been relationships, and their end. Say you do get bored, or something changes, you don't want to be in the relationship anymore... If it is romantic, can you just let go? If you don't want to hurt the other person, but you know they will be lost without you, what choice do you have? I don't know. Is this why so many people end up in relationships out of obligation? I don't know. I have never felt obligated before. And I hope I never will.

And friendships? My good friend says, can you break-up a friendship? If you are sick of your friend, if she serves you no more, can you dump her and not have to see her again? Why do the ties differ? In my experience it is wise to keep your loved ones close even after they start hurting you, because we all go through cycles, and they will come back, and when they do you will scorn yourself for ever considering letting them go. It differs because it is not monagamous, you can develop another friendship while you wait for this one. You can wait. You can.

I am back to asking questions and I have accepted it. I have accepted that my questions do not need, or do not have answers. This is what I have learnt. I have learnt to look at myself from outside of my head, and not judge. I do not call myself good, or bad, for in labelling anything you hinder your ability to fix it, or understand it, or accept it, do you not?

I love my questions, I love my illnesses. It seems foolish, but things I have not understood I am slowly understanding. I am understanding the new-age saying... "love your illness", this is why I love teaching, for in teaching my students I learn. That is how I am, I learn through teaching, through explaining I have always come to understand myself. Maybe this is because my subconscious rules my voice and my conscious rules my thoughts, I do not know. But in loving my questions, and my illnesses, I can begin to comprehend what it is they are trying to teach me.

I live, I love, I learn. I learn through loving, because to help people, to help myself not to hurt people, I seek to understand, and any small thing I understand is progress for me. I can be patient, I can be the most patient person in the world, but I can also be the most impatient.

"You came suddenly... and stole, the patience from my heart" [Rumi]

I can be the calmest person in the world, but I can be the angriest. But I do always want to understand my loved ones, I do always want to know how they work.

Is this over-thinking? Why does my mind speak to me tonight when it has not spoken to me for so long? Why are my words flowing easy, like they did years ago? I hope my illness is not returning, I hope the good I have trained into myself is not departing...

No. I worry too much, this is nothing bad, for look, I have forgotten my own lesson and have labelled it. Not expressly, but by connotations.

I repent, I accept my thoughts and my ramblings, to you my readers, whose faces change but my audience remains the same to me, some silent, some loud, some loving, some curious, some wise, some misguided. It is not for you whom I write, but for myself, these words are only displayed here to feed my hungry eyes, not yours. But my thoughts are to share with you all, I was always a person liable to care too much. It is neither good nor bad.

"show me your face

i crave

flowers and gardens

open your lips

i crave

the taste of honey

come out from

behind the clouds

i desire a sunny face

your voice echoed

saying "leave me alone"

i wish to hear your voice

again saying "leave me alone"

i swear this city without you

is a prison

i am dying to get out

to roam in deserts and mountains

i am tired of

flimsy friends and

submissive companions

i die to walk with the brave

am blue hearing

nagging voices and meek cries

i desire loud music

drunken parties and

wild dance

one hand holding

a cup of wine

one hand caressing your hair

then dancing in orbital circle

that is what i yearn for

i can sing better than any nightingale

but because of

this city's freaks

i seal my lips

while my heart weeps

yesterday the wisest man

holding a lit lantern

in day light

was searching around town saying

i am tired of

all these beasts and brutes

i seek

a true human

we have all looked

for one but

no one could be found

they said

yes he replied

but my search is

for the one

who cannot be found"

Translated by Nader Khalili

Rumi, Fountain of Fire

If mountains aren't as big as oceans

But there are hills under seas

Then how much can you miss me?

If there are roads but not time-zones

Cars but not trams

People but not cultures

I can still read every feature on your face

When you aren't there

For pillows and headphones

Monotony and Exhaustion

Buggies and Turbos

Then there is still me and you

Even if you bore

Even if I bore

It could only be for a second

And not more

So heed not his silly words

Patience

If we both lose our temper at the same time:

Am I more patient, if my tolerance is less but I bear it longer?

Or is he more patient, whose tolerance is more but bears it shorter?

You ask if I miss him....?

Does the tree miss each and every leaf it loses in winter, I think it does
Or the buck miss his brother when brother is eaten by a lion
Do the trees miss the wind when the wind doesn't blow
Or the sunflowers miss sun when it doesn't shine
Does the day miss night because they can't exist at once?
Or a person miss their love, if that love they have lost
Does the insane man miss his sanity
A bankrupt man his money
A widowed woman her husband
A dead man his life?
Does a man whose wife cheated and left him for her lover, miss his wife?

Yes, I miss him.

I get it, I'm a bad person.

The question is, can I live with it?

No, I don't wait, to hear your tears when you leave; though I know you deserve them. I gave my inner tears to you, to cry them, but mine still remain, so I have only made more. Justice is justice, for a crime intention is not key. I am made of justice, this is what I believe, so please don't make me hurt.

Oh - no one could now how my heart hurts! - While the blood within my very veins is away. I will postpone my existence, I live only for his return.

No one, No one, could warm my frozen heart!
Or ever replace him - While the wind itself laments the injustice of his not being beside me. When nature has relinquished reason and rationale, Because I, possess none.

I walk but cannot escape my head, and talk but hear nothing save his voice, So I could talk forever more. Even my hurting is so sweet to me for it chains my heart to his - and his is the paradise of my existence, something sweeter than the golden streets of heaven itself!

Why live? If not for our love? Why move, why carry on when no purpose compares to this universal meaning? I can see his face in the sun, between the clouds, in the flowers - on the ground - but each image eludes me the closer i come - the quicker I reach

Ecstacy! Ecstacy is mine in the moments you touch me!
If only they were more -
every step you take further weighs like another world completely on the very base of my being -
soon, i will sink, through ground and water - eternally
but even as my lungs embrace their asphyxiation it is his perfect hands which will save me, caress me, comfort and love me. For he gives me everything I need and then he leaves me needy once more - but the whisper of his promise repeats - Forever, Forever. Forever. Forever. - it is the food of my soul, I need not eat. I need not drink but his juices - need not smell but his perfume - which i would suffocate in gladly, for him in my lungs is bliss, though him within me is torture because i know he cannot stay indefinitely.

My lover, cherry of my heart, I scream to the mountains for you to return but only god hears me - i scream your name in my sleep but i sleep alone, i stare in every direction willing you to appear. That i could explode in this love and come back to suffer it once again - that i could wrap myself around you and sink into your skin. Would you keep me then?

"Love is strong as death"

By Grand Central Station, I Sat Down and Wept

Elizabeth Smart