If my nausea prevails

I lose

To someone who was stronger

-maybe-

More successful

-maybe-

Have I failed you?

Or is it not my fault that it is not me to whom you turn?

I am uncertain

And unknowing

I have no desire to know what has gone before

But the roots, you kept from me

I would rather know

From where this sprang

So I could understand

Exactly how this began

And where to end it

If losing innocence

          So well protected

                   But not mine

 

Is not deplorable

          Then I don’t know

                   Anymore

 

Quite what it is I love for

The devil

It is alright to have a conversation with the devil...

As long as you don't let her win

 

And if she wins?

Then surely - you are lost to her fiery claws

 

Is all lost?

Isn't it amazing
How one person
Can ruin your entire life
If you give them the power to?

If all my
'i miss you's and 'i love you's
could form a boat
to float you to me
would it sink because
there is no connecting sea
or would those words not be enough to carry you?

When will you return to me?
I have been wearing your smell
I have been sat here waiting
Surrounded by people and alone

Where are you?
I have been keeping my eyes blinkered. And my mouth shut.
I have been living in your voice
and it is failing to be enough

I have been picking fights with my loved ones
Because they are not you
I have become clumsy
Because I miss your touch

Why did you leave me?
My heart feels orphaned
And I will say none of this to you
Until you return for certain

Your photograph is dog-eared and outstared
And I need you closer
I need to see my name form on your lips,
Not just hear it
All my other senses are failing me

When will you return to me?
And when you return do you promise
To love me more than you did when you left?
Because I will need you to.

When you say it makes your heart hurt,
Well I know now what you mean...

On Judgment

In order to judge...
We have to know what is right, and what is wrong.
But do we ever?

How then can we ever judge another, to what standards could we possibly hold them to?
Some imagined standards in our own minds or souls?
Do such standards exist?

Are the pious closer?
For they claim to be
And judge more than anyone

Are the judges and the courts closer?
It is to them and their almighty knowledge to which I aspire
Yet all they can do,
Is adhere to rules drafted by another
And are criticized for their own input
Subject to human error

We can never be the judge of another,
For our own ideals could never be imposed upon any one other than ourselves.
If we create for ourselves what is right, and what is wrong
The best we can do,
Is try to align ourselves to our own ideals
Instead, we try to align others

Here is where I make my fatal mistake
I can never be the judge.
I must not be the judge.

I aspire to become the objective observer
What more could I aspire to?

I need to know two things

How to stop crying, when I get sensitive (how to harden my soul?)

And whether, when it seems like anger is the ONLY cure, there is one more; or how to stop losing my temper (how to soften my soul?)

This delicate balance evades me when I am distressed...

When your blog is not soppy enough, fill it!

Dear Mrs Leila *********,

It has come to my attention that there are certain things in life which are worth every second of conscious and unconscious thought.
Plain and simple, you are those thoughts and only you. I have also discovered what it means to love and be loved. I have discovered what it means to have someone so close to my heart and soul that they can climb inside and light a fire. Not just any little camp fire but a raging waterfall of fire! I cant tell you how glad I am that this kind of raging fire cannot be extinguished. It will continue burning for as far as I can see!

I trust that the aforementioned thoughts are in your best interests and that you will take to heart, my feelings.

Kind Regards and Volee at the top of my lungs, Mr Duncan *******

PS. You are the only thing I think of when the word Beautiful comes to mind

All the dark hills we stumble by night

All the little valleys we day or night dream in

Belong to you

You are king of these lands in my head

Snippets of a sunset

The darkness is eating the world from the ground up
We could be sinking into the jaws of some giant
Who puts all the elements on hold,
And puts our days on pause

Bright fire orange!
It must be the very pits of his soul we have reached
And the last few clouds, scratchmarks in the sky.
Like some desperate attempt of the sun to escape

Your eyes, like the top of the sky turned three times brighter and bluer

The baby blue descending on the orange
And the moon, the giant's eye, a slit
In the moment before he sleeps
Like he wants one last glimpse of his lover
Before sleep catches him and takes his sight
Some desperate attempt to dream of her
If she is the last thing he catches sight of

One little slit, before he can't hold it any longer

Like us, every night

Every lonely night

Every night I sleep next to your shadow

Every moment I walk in your wake

And you in mine

But so far away

Is it right
To pull me up on mistakes
that are one in a hundred

Is it fair
To fail me on things you weren't testing me on

I am scared
Again
You scare me so

And this heavy sinking feeling in my stomach
Might pull me down and drown me
If you don't save me
You

If you know I am not selfish
why do you pull me up on things that make me selfish
When it is a weak point of mine
When I constantly wonder if I am selfish or not
And you are the one who needs to reassure me
You do but everytime you did now means nothing
Because of what you just said

Why do you remember things that I do not

Why do you cry more than me
And make me feel guilty
For crying and making you feel guilty
And for your tears
But you're so pretty when you cry

I just want to be perfect to you
The only person who I need to be perfect for
But you call me imperfect

You
make
me
feel
weak

I am so weak for loving you
So weak for forgiving you
So weak

I will forgive you one thousand times
Without you asking
I fear I may have to beg for yours
and one thousand times I will upset you
Because of my mistakes

Do I make them too often
Or do you just wait for them

My heart, it is heavy

They call them friends

But they lie to me...

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie

In my eyes

I need help
On what do we base our decisions?
- On what is most important to us...?
What if what is most important today isn't as important to us tomorrow?
- On something stable?
Can we trust anything to remain so?
.
How do I advise my lover when my heart is too much in it and I cannot bear to be without him, but I love him so much that I need him to make the right choice?
I feel as though I am the obstacle that hinders the situation I now assess.
.

Is there time?

Is there time?

To follow just one desire?

.

Is there time?

Is there time,

To follow your heart?

.
Of one thing I am certain, that we will be together.
But does this make for foolish decision making?
Is this a wise base for him or me to make our decisions on, yet?

I am scared. But not scared.

We are getting older.

What do I do?

I forgive them
because I love them

...I have no choice

It is hard to feel dejected, and alone
I know I am just over-tired
But little rifts feel like earthcrackwars
My earth may crack open

I find my numbness in the television
But I know it cannot save me from tomorrow
and that time is running away with me

Why do they choose now to argue me?
I don't know
Why does he choose now to leave me overdramaticallyalone?

I pull him, knowing full well his anchorboat is moored
But I pull him all the same
I cannot help myself, it is my game, to hurt myself to see who saves me

The night is hollow, my legs tingle, my back is stiff
The house is empty. But who knows and who looks for me this darktonight?

Whose shoes am I filling, have I not learnt my lesson yet?
and why does my puppetmaster not release me

I chase my dreams to escape, in wakefulness I chase my sleep
to comfort me for the day has not enough hours to settle me
and i have closed the pressurelid upon myself
and it is you who test me, but i have not understood yet
what is it you wish to see, my pass or my fail?

my day has been long - longer than yours because mine has run for two endless weeks with wings and my mind imploring me not to fail myself. or answer to my Regret. I fear him.

I fear his unloving eyes and harsh words - that need no hearing -
they speak straight to my brain
some direct poison to put me to sleep quickly
so I do not feel the pain.

For this long week, my tears flow easily now
and in knowing this, I must equate my tears
- to you and your preoccupation
- to you and your anger
- to you and your thoughtlessness

I only need to know you are thinking of me.... it satisfies me to know the thought is there. Half the time I don't need the action. Just fight for me. I need to feel I am worth it. this is what i need.
But you? what do you need?

The TV is silent

I sit alone

Where are you now?

And what thoughts occupy your mind?

I just want to know.

I just want to know.

You aren't invincible,
If you are scared of me

You aren't in love

If you aren't happy.

And you aren't my friend

If you ignore me.

I've got it - what gets me

It's "we"

The fact that the "we" you spoke of,

consists of you and people other than me

Secrets

For the sake of it