Roads

Everything has a price.

Opportunity cost. For every choice you make you are sacrificing something else. The thing you didn't choose, the road you didn't take.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood..."

It's all I can do not to dwell on the choices I didn't take, for better or for worse. There's no-one to help me choose, no-one to show me the way if I get lost down the wrong path. My life is defined by the sacrifices I make, by the roads I take.

Dolls and love and dullness

Lately I can’t seem to find the words to say what I think, and I think too much. I can’t express what I feel anymore. I find myself stuttering, restarting, searching. Has my mind despaired of how inefficiently I convey its magnificent thoughts? For words could never do it justice. But one more injustice isn’t going to make a difference in the world. Except to me, of course.

What am I to you? Just a broken doll.

There are a lot of things that scientists haven't discovered yet, things they don't know everything about, maybe never will. I see now that humans don't know love. Not completely. Maybe they never will. What made me come to this revelation? My overworked mind, but not just that. A book. A book so amazingly written that it puts other books to shame. A book I don't want to have read because it seems so wrong, to us. But it's so right in its own sense. A book that makes no sense at all but has taught me so much, confused me so much.

Ever read Lolita?

"Because you took advantage of a sinner
because you took advantage
because you took
because you took advantage of my disadvantage

when i stood adam-naked
before a federal law and all its singing stars
Because you took advantage of a sin
when I was helpless moulting moist and tender
hoping for the best
dreaming of a marriage in a mountain state
aye of a litter of Lolitas

Because you took advantage of my inner
essential innocence
because you cheated me-
Because you cheated me of my redemption
because you took
her at the age when lads
play with erector sets

a little downy girl still wearing poppies
still eating popcorn in the coloured gloam
where tawny Indians took paid croppers
because you stole her
from her wax-browed and dignified protector
spitting into his heavy-lidded eye
ripping his flavid toga and at dawn
leaving the hog to roll upon his new discomfort
the awfulness of love and violets
remorse despair while you
took a dull doll to pieces
and threw its head away
beacuse of all you did
becasue of all I did not
you have to die"

Don't. Don't tell me that isn't love.

Here's a thought...if you're willing to listen

"He only wants you when you're seventeen....

When you're twenty-one, you're no fun"

Ladytron - 17

I'm 18 in the morning.

My childhood is over.

I have this tape from when I was small. A cartoon. A poor little boy has a donkey, who is his best friend. It's all he has and he loves it so dearly. Then one day his family has absolutely no money left, and they have to sell the donkey. The donkey was called Small One. It used to make the tears stream down my face. If anybody mentions it to this day my eyes well up.

How do you explain to a little boy the unfairness of the world? Why do the donkeys suffer for mans stupidity?

I saw this man, we stopped to ask directions, and I thought to myself, it's Small One and the little boy grown up - they were never seperated. It made me so happy, I almost cried.

---------------------

The streets of Tehran

Cheetah footprints in the snow

Icicles

Small one

am i wrong?

Sometimes, I hear myself speak and I have no control over what I am saying.
It happens too often.

am i wrong for not trusting you when you have never betrayed me before?
am i wrong for not being satisfied with the little i have when no-one has the whole?
am i wrong for not baring my soul when yours is naked before my eyes?
am i wrong for not telling you my secret when you have told me yours?

will I find you, and when? should i still be waiting?

-----------

I would have liked to upload some more pictures, but Blogger was being such a pest, god bless him!

*

The first pic is on its side, (it's a tree). I am loathe to re-upload it as it would take me an eternity!

Both the pics are in a little village in Iran, in Hamadan province.

EDIT: Silly me, most of the words were in black! (And hence invisible)

Holiday photos episode 2

I could drive forever but when I stopped I still wouldn't be home

Oh take me somewhere else

somewhere i can breathe

Take me where i can see the stars dance

I don't belong here

I wish you wouldn't

Tell me where to lay my head at night
Or where to fall asleep

----------------

The first two are taken from the car window

1) A train, just outside of Tehran

2) The city of Qom

---

3) Zagros mountain range

My first set of holiday photos...

It saddens me to see beauty fallen. It saddens me to see beauty in the ruins.

Every morning the sun rises, and every day it sets on the same misery. Why do we see hope in the sun? It leaves us every night, and yet we forgive it each morning. We are only foolish mortals, every single one of us. More fool he who thinks he is better. Better than what?

And see how the mighty have fallen. How the mighty have been destroyed. What once stood so proud shattered into complacency. Not knowing what life was like before. Not knowing.

It's amazing one can see the mountains from here. For the smog is so thick it takes considerable effort to keep breathing. Remembering to breathe when it stings one's nostrils.

I think I love you

Home

Last year when I wrote my Australian finals (exams that we wrote instead of our mocks that we could have used/can use to get into Australian/British universities), we had an English writing paper. An essay for 70 marks, and transactional writing (ie. a letter) for 30. I'm all for essay writing, I love it. But letter writing isn't really my cup of tea. But that's getting off-track a little.

So anyway, what I was (eventually) getting around to was my essay. They gave us a load of different topics, some pictures, some words. I chose one that was something about home. Home is where the heart is. No, it wasn't that. Something like that. But it kinda got me thinking.

Take a girl like me. I don't have a home. I don't mean I'm homeless. Or a nomad or anything like that. I have a house, well, my parents do at least.Let me try explain myself. I was born in the UK. My mother is British, my father Persian. I always thought England was home. But then I got old enough to know better.

I'm a foreigner in England. I'm not British, I don't look British. Sure I speak English, I even have a British accent (it's fading away now). But my culture isn't British. I don't think people in England accept me as British, and I don't want to be British.

Okay, the younger me thought. So, you're not British. No big deal, it's pretty simple - you're Persian. If only it were that simple. It works both ways. I'm a foreigner in the UK, I'm a foreigner in Iran. So I speak a little Farsi. I can't even read it. Or write it. To the Persians, I'm as much of a foreigner as I am to the British.

To complicate matters even further, I've lived in Egypt. And now I live in South Africa. Egypt was home, South Africa is home but none are home.

So nowhere and everywhere seems like home. There's no one place that I feel intimately connected to, more than any other. To put it simply - I haven't really got a place that I insist my gravestone goes, or my ashes are sprinkled. I love England, I love Iran, I love the Middle East. Egypt, South Africa, and all the rest of the countries I've ever visited.

So after I got back from this last trip abroad, I found myself sitting opposite my mum and saying to her - "What the hell are we doing here?" Probably just the after-effects of a holiday that was too good to be true, huh? Or the side-effects of something bigger.

I got full marks for the essay by the way...

I'm back

I'm back and life has never been more wonderful!
I'm back and I don't think the stars have ever shone quite so bright.
I'm back and I don't think I have ever been more happy,
and it's all because...
It's all because

I wish I knew

My holiday was amazing.
Destination: Middle East

If I ever called anywhere home it might be there...

Until next time

I'm off for a few weeks, on holiday!

Will post again when I'm back.

--------------

Mortals that would follow me,

Love Virtue: she alone is free.

She can teach ye how to climb

higher than the sphery chime;

Or if virtue feeble were,

Heaven itself would stoop to her.

-

Milton

To a long lost grandfather

How many years has it been since I saw you last
Two? Three? Maybe even four now
It doesn't even matter how many years anymore.

You could see me, if you wished.
I was your first grandchild, I still am.

I want to be there for you,
love and care for you,
hold your hand when it gets tough.
But I don't think you'd let me.
And if you did I don't think I would let myself.

You don't tell me that you love me anymore
- did you ever?
I wouldn't believe you if you did.

How does it feel?
Tell me how does it feel to be alone.
I blame myself still,
Although I'm not the one to blame.

You will not even look at me, Grandad.
And I didn't do a thing,
just love you
and I want to love you still.
But you don't want my love,
and it shows.
You don't care.
And it hurts with a pain like none I have never felt before.

I cry for you but you're not worth my tears.
I can't forgive myself for leaving you.
But I can't forgive you- at least not until you say sorry.

You are never sorry.

It hurts to remember you, Grandad.
It hurts to know your life goes on
- without me in it.

Do you still think about me?
And why were you so eager to let me go?
You didn't even try.
Or even say goodbye.

I am the firstborn of your firstborn.
Your daughter's daughter.
All I have ever done was to impress you.
But you are not impressed.

I only exist because of you,
I would not be if it were not for you.
I could not bear it if you regretted me, Grandad.
I have done nothing to cause you shame.
Your blood runs through my veins.
Don't you realise your selfish, callous blood
runs through my veins?

But never mind.
I have others to care for me,others to love me.
How I wish you didn't have the power to hurt me.
You don't deserve it.
you don't deserve me.
I wish that I never end up like you, Grandad.
I hope that I will never do the things that you do.

Why can't I bring myself to hate you?
Hearing your voice still makes me cry.
I only wish I knew why.

So goodnight Grandad
From halfway across the world,
Goodnight.
I hope you keep me from your dreams
so you sleep sweetly tonight.

thoughts on sorrow

Ah, sweet you

You who can make me cry

you who can make me sad

For it is only you that I love

------------------------

"I am delighted

that my heart welcomes sorrow

for the sorrow

that the earth and the sky

can not behold

is contained in a heart

as small

as the eye of a needle"

Rumi

Cry, pray for South Africa.

Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the seeting sun makes the veld red with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much.

Alan Paton - Cry the Beloved Country

Can anything ever right the wrongs this country has experienced? History ensures we never forget, indeed it is forced down our throats so that we want to vomit it back up. Too much, too often. My generation in this country knows only too well the pains of the apartheid, but we are constantly reminded anyway. We are not allowed to forget.

If we cannot forget, why then surely we must forgive?

Forgiveness is impossible, the wrongs that have been done are much too horrific and must be paid for. But I will not pay for that which I have not done, and most white people who took a part in the horror that was apartheid seem to have been a victim of mass hysteria. No, I'm not making excuses, and no, I will never understand for I was not here, and I didn't go through it. Maybe I have no authority to speak on the matter.

With no chance of forgetting, or forgiving, I see no hope. I always say if laying the blames on anyone doesn't get you anywhere, then why must you insist on laying the blame on someone? Humans do some silly things, some more silly than others, we all know that. Why must we always keep our head over our shoulders, looking back? - we can't see the obstacles which lay directly ahead.

"First with the head, then with the heart"

Pray for South Africa, it is only halfway out of the hole which the white man ordered the black man to dig so long ago.

Resolutions that I fully intend to keep

Starlight, star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight

It's a new day, a new year. I wish I could promise myself that I will fulfill my resolutions. That they will not go unheeded like so many disregarded ones before. But I do not make promises I cannot keep. I will not.

My mind is a child, eager to learn, young, impressionable. Naive. I am a child still, in so many ways. That child has many things to learn.

Dear child

Do not waste your time on things and people that do not deserve your time.

Be firm of mind, do not let yourself be swayed. Do not be intimidated dear, for you are the sun. And the sun is not intimidated by mere stars, dearest. Didn't you know?

Do not fear that which you do not understand. Endeavor to understand only that which will enrich you. Do not look too hard for what you need child, it will come to you in time. Everything in time.

Understand child - there is always hope. Do not reprimand yourself for hoping too much, congratulate yourself. No matter how dark the night seems, there is always a candle to lead the way ahead, if only you look.

Be careful with your trust, and your love. Do not guard them too jealously though, joy is to be found in sharing.

Know that the greatest love you will ever receive will be firstly from yourself. Love yourself truly and deeply.

Your grandfather has told you not to forsake you parents, ever. Who are you to disobey the words of wisdom delivered with a tear in the eye that conceived him who conceived you?

You do not always know best. Accept that you can be wrong or be doomed to repeat the mistakes of those gone before you.

Believe in what you want. Believe. How can you wish to achieve that which you do not believe in?

Be happy with all that you have, my dear. Do not lust after that which you cannot have. Do not lose sight of that which is within your reach if you extend your arms. Tame your lustful heart, some things you cannot yet have.

It is a new year, child. A new year to do with what you will. You can go where you please, just take your heart and your mind. And keep them pure.

"Bear the pain of longing silently, my heart
For this is the cure." - Rumi

Happy No-ruz

"...Come fill the Cup, and in the Fire of Spring
The Winter Garment of Repentance fling:
The Bird of Time has but a little way
To fly - and Lo! the Bird is on the Wing..."

(From the Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám)
(translated by Fitzgerald)

***

A couple of days ago, it was the Persian New Year, or “No-Rouz”. Literally, that means ‘new day’. I didn’t know this, but apparently it occurs at the exact time of the Spring Equinox (when the length of the night and day are exactly equal). It’s an Ancient Persian tradition, all to do with cleansing yourself, and making yourself pure again, to tie in with the ‘rebirth of nature’.
The whole thing goes on for thirteen days though. Not that we really celebrate it that much, but there are certain parts of it we usually do, like jumping over the fire on Char-shambeh-sourie to 'purify' yourself.

“Zardie man az tou Khoobie tou az man”

That’s what you sing as you jump over the fire: (All my badness onto you, and all your goodness onto me)
We didn’t jump over the fire this year, or have a haft-seen, but we still celebrated the New Year.

I consulted Hafez for advice on the new year. As mystical as ever, this is what he told me:

Ghazal 294

Faithful in your love, my fame has spread, candle-like

At the home of the homeless, I make my bed, candle-like.

Day and night, from sorrows, sleep escapes from my eyes

Sick of being apart, my eyes are teary, red, candle-like.

Scissors of sorrows have cut my patience' string

Flame of your love burns upon my weary head, candle-like.

If my bloody tears fail to bring color to my cheeks

How else can my secret tales ever be said, candle-like?

Amidst water & fire, my head is busy with your thoughts

While my heart flooded with tears it needs to shed, candle-like.

In the night of separation, send butterfly of union

Else from your pain the world I'll burn & shred, candle-like.

Without your beautiful vision, my day is night

With the love I have bred, my flaws I dread, candle-like.

My patience is eroding, like a mountain from sorrows' rains

In the ocean of your love, path of fire I tread, candle-like.

Like dawn, I blow one breath to see your face

Show yourself O Beloved, else I'll be dead, candle-like.

Honor me one night with your union, my friend

Let your light, light up my house & spread, candle-like.

Fire of your love caught on Hafiz's head

When will my heart's fire, my tears wed, candle-like?

I’m glad Hafez has faith in me to understand that, because I don’t really have faith in myself.

However, I will comment that candles are supposed to be on the haft-seen traditionally, and their symbolism is goodness and warmth of life.

Happy New Year to the world, and may we see peace this year.

shooting the moon

oh foolish me
for thinking that you watching my heart break
would surely break yours

all in vain.
a broken heart and all in vain
oh foolish me

i have nothing to prove anymore
wish i did

I got photos of love

Loving you should be this easy.

But it's not and it's all your fault.
All your fault, not mine.

Getting you out of my system is like nothing I've ever done.

Let me love you
I could stay like this forever.

No questions asked?
I wish I trusted you when you cover my eyes.

Go on, dry your shoulder now.

It's over.

A love-letter of other sorts

Dear you


How can I explain to you so that you understand? You make the worst mistake because the ones that love you the most - you treat them the worst.


It's the story of my life;
those I love the most
I hate the most
it's so hard to understand.


I wonder if you know the tortured hours I spend
wishing you were otherwise?


How are you so different to me?


And I waste all my time on you.
You neither listen nor learn.


But it still kills me to see you suffer.
I must be crazy.

I hate myself for doing what I do
and for thinking you deserve it
even now
but I see no other way

And I hate the things I say to you,
the things that make you cry.
I don't think you know that I love you more than most things in this world.
despite it all.

The guilt is all-consuming
but still I wouldn't take back what I said
and I'll pour my heart out to this letter
because you'll never read a word.

It's no use pretending I don't care...
I forget too easily
every single time
and to you it's as good as forgiveness
Oh! Curse this soft heart of mine!
But if I don't pray for you, who will?

If you still care at all
Don't go tell me now

I want to promise you that I'll always love you so
and I almost can.
Because I never make promises I can't keep

I can help you
but only if you ask.
You may think I can,
but I can't force you to do anything.

It doesn't mean I can't try.

Are you wrong?
For doing all that you do...
not just to me.
Or am I wrong?
For not accepting you as you are.

I can't abide you, like
spelling errors on a typed page
Flaws so vivid.
And I can't leave it if I can fix it
or at least think I can

You're tearing me apart

I just want you to know
It wasn't my intention to make you cry
Or maybe it was
It's just...
For one second, more than ever
I wanted you to feel the pain that you put me through

...and you never stop doing it.

My wish for the while

God give me a man who deserves me,
a man who understands me

Give me a man who has depth of character
a man who thinks

Show me a man who truly appreciates me
who knows me and loves me for it
But don't let him know me too well, God
for I fear he would fear me,
as i fear myself
and fear for myself,
I do not want to fear for him.

Give me a man who is happy
but does not take anything for granted
a happy man who knows sadness

Give a man who does not restrict my freedom

Give me a man who is true
who has integrity, honesty
but knows when to lie

Give me a man who can show me
that the world can stop spinning without him there

Show me a man I can trust

Give me a man who is obvious
and yet mysterious

Give me a man with a beautiful soul
A man with an open mind
a curious man
A man who has ambition
and a lust for life

Give me a man I can give myself to without thinking twice
A man who I never have to doubt
A man strong enough to carry
my heart and the burden of my love

A man who I never feel alone with

Give me a man who my head loves as much as my heart
For I don't know which rules me
A man who will never harm my heart
Even if he makes me cry

Give me a man who makes me feel like I have nothing
If I don't have him
And who makes me cry every single time we say goodbye

A man who will alleviate my confusion
or at least acknowledge it
For what it's worth
and feed my hungry heart

A man who will stand by me
Be loyal to me, be faithful
in heart, body and mind
and who enchants me so
that I will be faithful to him too

A man I will always lust for
and who will always lust for me

Give me a man who makes me giddy
But holds me steady
even though he is giddy himself
so if we fall,
we fall together.
He must be strong,despite himself.

Give me a man who makes me wish
I could shout so loud
That the world could hear me
And I would shout that he is mine
Forever.
And I will be his.

A man who is not afraid to change
who is like me,
but not the same
for i wish to look into his eyes every day
and see hope and mystery
a mystery I can trust.

Show me a man like this God
and maybe I will learn what it is
to love a man.

Maybe this man can cure my inevitable loneliness

And God, make sure I glance his way.

The afamed grey louries!

Their highest nest.
You can't see them all that well through the leaves. There are about 4 nesting! I didn't want to get tooo close in case I scared them away! I will keep trying to get better photos though.
They are quite big, as big as the tip of your middle finger to your elbow maybe. Their call is pretty amazing, well all of the birds' in our gardens calls are!

This is the tree, close up. You can see why they nest here (protection). They also eat the leaves.
These are two of the nests they have made!

A nursery rhyme in A-minor

"It's raining, it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed, and bumped his
head
And couldn't get up in the
morning
Na na na boo boooo"

Oh it's been overcast all day, but I dived in the pool and it was so warm I couldn't believe it. I have this theory that the water's warmer if you don't touch it, just dive right in. Kinda like my theory on life, I guess.

Good things never last, though (nothing ever does so that's kind of an irrelevant thing to say), so after a good fifteen minutes or so we heard the thunder-claps in the distance.

So I got out, and went to shower.

Some grey parrot things are nesting in our thorn tree, much to the supreme delight of the whole family. My sister says they're African Grey Louries, or something like that - I'll have to check.

When I came out the shower it was pouring. No exaggerations. Or should I say it is pouring - I only came out the shower ten minutes ago.

My heart is aching for the birdies.