Deceit is an Art

Deceit is an Art.

---

"Sorry for what I've done, my conscience weighs a ton"

Head Automatica - 'Disco Hades II'

Forgive me

Dear Adam,

I know you'll forgive me one day.. for leading you on. For four months I held your heart, I held your hope.. and all the while I had no intention of seeing it through. Someone else had my heart, just as I had yours. And what makes it worse is that he isn't a stranger to you - far from it.

Excuses are only that, excuses. But maybe you care to hear my feeble ones. Or maybe I'm just trying to relieve my all-consuming guilt.

One desires to believe that the object of one's affection is supreme, perfect. But truth be told, we are all human. We only need to step outside of our obsessions to see that. And I am no different, idolise me though you may.

I was scared, so scared Adam. Scared that by saying 'no' i would lose you altogether. Oh, it pains me to even think the cliche. I would not have cared, but I did see something special in you. But not special enough, you just did not capture my heart. Love works in mysterious ways -!- I am no stranger to that fact. I hope we can still be friends.

I blame my nature for allowing you to believe there was some non-existent chemistry. Heaven knows I do not take things seriously, and often people's feelings get toyed with in my quest for fun. I am not proud of it! I am not proud that you are not the only one who loves me thus, unrequited.

Maybe I underestimate the magnitude of your affection. We can't help who we like! How we feel! Never mind, you said you were sick of chasing me. Is it a credit to me that I managed to hold your interest for four whole months? Surely not! And still you know so little of me.. Or else you might have questioned my actions? I find it hard to disguise my affection, there was none.

How many times did you ask me - did I have feelings for another, would I tell you where you stood? I would not, could not - some fear of finality, of losing your affection - oh, selfish, selfish me! - kept me from admitting to you that you had no chance at all. Oh, I tried to tell you! Indirectly, supposing that a man cannot ignore the obvious forever. It seems he can, where love is we truly are blind! We only see that which we wish to see, hear what we wish to hear. And i gave you enough of both to divert your thoughts.

I didn't want to hurt you. I know that hearing 'no' can be worse than having false hope. Oh, I saved you the smaller hurt to save me from having to cause you any at all! Foolish young girl, did you really think you could keep his hope alive forever? We are all fools to Time eventually, and ultimately Time has his way with everything. We are just feathers resting before the wind. I must have known I could not avoid it forever.

My only redemption is that I stopped it where I did. Although it hurt like hell.. oh it hurt me too. But it is hard work being the keeper of hearts, the pay is cheap, and I tire. Please take yours back. I have no use for it.

You know all the right things to say

it's so easy to let the right words,

from the right person,

at the right time..

make you happy

when little else can

---

"You take the breath right out of me.

You left a hole where my heart should be."

Breaking Benjamin - 'Breath'

Is it wrong to wish that time could go quicker

Just so this could be over?

'Cause I know Time is precious..

but I'm not living life to the full

---

"And all we had, was the memory of what was.

So lets pretend, this never mattered to us.."

'Pens and Needles' - Hawthorne Heights

Now..

I pay for those I wish to protect
And they pay through their ignorance
That I would die for you, and you not realise?

Am I a fool to take on your burdens?
You have taught me to be so foolish then.
I blame you and I thank you for a lot of who I am
But please understand that you aren't fully responsible any longer

I am a product of all that has touched me,
And the world has touched me,
Despite your efforts to keep me safe.
You no longer know what is best for me.
I know this is hard to understand.

I believe in things which you have not taught me
And don't believe in things you have.

This umbilical cord exists only in your mind...
It has long since been cut.

--------------

"Time takes too much time,

Please make the waiting stop"

Moloko - 'The Time is Now'

Morals

Will somebody explain to me
The lesson this teaches me?
I miss the moral.
I miss the moral, help me!

I cannot see past my anger...!
I cannot see through my pain.
If anyone understood,
Would they do the same?

I seek reassurance,
Yet it evades me
For noone can ever know the whole story,
Save me

Everything reminds me of you.

spontaneous ramblings episode 23856

why can't i walk in the rain? why can i not get wet? you would know all of my world and not approve? you would frown upon that which i believe in? would you always find me unable to decide for myself? will you never accept how I wish to be, a different view? would you never accept that you are wrong? i fear you have instilled that very fear in me. i dream of being free yet i keep you my captive. how could we ever agree? i chase heartache, heed me not. i pray to an entity i believe not in. i support that which i believe is wrong in essence. i am not sure where i stand. why do you love me? why do you hold me dear? why do you hold me? i am just a doll. A little fragile, did you know? i believe what i want. i analyse you. do you think about me? i think about you. do you care? do i care? i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i want you. i wish i could see past these stereotypes i have made for myself. i wish too much. wish and it will always stay as such - a wish. just a wish. i have everything i have ever wanted. i don't. i want. tame my lustful heart. foolish, foolish heart. why won't my heart listen to my head? why do i ask so many questions that i can't find answers to? why do i confuse myself? why do you confuse me? i do not understand you! i'm sure you do not understand me. i can't understand myself. i'm just looking for the answers. will i search my whole life? is this it? is this all i will ever be? is this all there is? is this love? who is goign to keep me warm? who is going to keep me safe? will you hold my hand because i am so scared. i'm scared of you even scared of myself. scared of what i might be. what if? who knows what will happen. maybe tomorrow. maybe never. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. and all this time my heart is still beating. and you make it beat faster. you all do. how many beats do i have left? how much longer can i go on? who will read this and will they understand? will they ever understand? can anyone understand? did i bring all of this upon myself? i don't remember asking for any of this. but i remember hurting people. i remember not listening to the voice inside my head. i remember regretting. but some things i don't regret. and some things i can't forget. even if i want to. but some part of me still doesn't want to let you go. i want to be there for you. i want to understand. i want to hold you. i don't want to push you away. i want you to realise that i am so much more than this. i want you to see in me what all those others see in me so clearly. why won't you see? you don't try to hear me, you do not listen. who taught me to be so scared? i always fancied myself to be so brave. i've tried so hard to be everything you wanted me to be. but it just isn't me. i can't forgive you this time. so how long can i wait?

What do I want for Christmas?

Freedom.

last night

You keep saying 'tomorrow', 'tomorrow'
like today can wait
but i'm sure my mind is not going to change
somewhere between this day and the next

when all i'm asking from you is to stay with me
and when i need you, you leave.

how am i supposed to sieze the day when all inside of me is frozen?
and i can't cry these frozen tears
and the ice is spreading..
keep me alive
you couldn't mean for us to die?
but you're taking what you deserve
as though you finally saw
and leaving my iced tears to thaw
i swear they won't

i saw too late that i need you
now that you don't need me

----

"Remember I told you in life and death we'd bury our secrets when they tear us apart. But love means going this far even when the ending is the start."

Lovedrug - 'ghost by your side'

Signs

"You aren't going to just sit around and wait are you? Go out and make something happen"

How did he suss me out so well...

----

"If I had to choose a way to die

It'd be with you

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your face

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face..

How does it feel?"

The Spill Canvas - So Much

Rain, rain, rain

"I woke to the rain

- as though the world were dirty

and needed to be washed of its sins

- as though i were dirty

and needed to be washed of mine

Foolishly thinking the covers could keep me safe

but what i need to hide from

was under the covers all along

And in that moment

- in that moment alone

i understood

what love was,

Only to lose it to the rain."

Beauty

"I hate beautiful people.

'Cause I'm not beautiful."

-----

Someone said it to me. And it stuck.

For you

innocent intentions,
I don't know myself
I did, I hurt you

and i won't forgive myself

for using those who were weaker than me
for taking advantage
for playing with your heart
for being all that you wanted me to be
for never looking back

i blame myself

for taking your innocence
and throwing it to the wind
for taking your breath
so you couldn't breathe
for making you want me
for not wanting you

for all of this
for more
for what i did
for what i didn't do

for letting you believe
that there was a chance
for your lonely desperate soul
when another had a spell on me
when another held my heart
so tight it could not breathe
nor conceive even the thought of another

for not knowing what i wanted
and mistrusting myself
and letting you be a victim
for not understanding that others feel
for putting myself first
for putting you last
for still caring

i blame myself
i blame myself

why do the innocent suffer?
how could i make you suffer
just as i have done before
how could i let you know
the pain that i know all too well?
i fail to understand
the meaning of my thoughts

this is for not understanding you.

Saying sorry

she wants to say sorry

that she hates to taste your tears

just one more night with no goodbye

she can't face her fears

The painful in the heart

You can't make someone love you.

-----

"It is the painful in the heart

Who your sweet lips understand"

Hafiz - Ghazal 118

just a thought

my mind is yours

it will not calm

and everytime i see you

you catch me off my guard

do you see me at all?

A clear mind

Who would have thought -

That not thinking at all,

Was harder than thinking?

---

A quest - to keep the mind clear.

---
Keep my mind

From thoughts of you

From all the feelings you induce

- It's just not worth it.

---
"Those sweet lips, those sweet lips, my sentence" Hafez

not sorry

It's the hardest choice.

Why do we hurt the ones

we love the most,

And hurt those we protect,

Protect those we hurt.

I save my tears for you,

Most of them,

Some escape.

Not sorry.

Your hurt saves you from more.

Again

Again I suffer

for your misjudgement

- I thought I covered my tracks so well