"I can't have what I want,
So I don't want anything.."

Love I will wait for you

though I am scared you do not come

giving you up leaves no future to live for

beat

every heartbeat is an eternity alone

time turns and still

you don't think of me

beat

how long can this last?

my heart i give

in trust to you

because some things cannot

be broken more

and ask you to act as though it were whole

lover, i melt

into these arms that are not yours

protect me

from what i want because

it does not want me

im trying to make you understand

that the lack of passion you feel,

is because i am trying to forbid myself from loving you

*

My hands are tied

My body bruised

She's got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose

.

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give...

And you give...

And you give yourself away

.

I can't live with or without you

I can't live with or without you

I can't live...

I can't live with or without you

U2

we try to live out our yesterdays

when they were better than our todays

I am not breathing
In airless pits I squirm
My dreams haunt me to teach me
Lessons which I just cannot learn


Wake up to find I'm falling
Fall to sleep to find I'm not
All the time I'm crawling
Away so I don't rot

What's the good of honesty when honesty says I love you and I can't be without you?

Yes, still. I'm so sick of pretending it's not there.

well I'm not writing because I'm still not feeling very much. I have had a brief lapse from dry eyes and I am grateful. But it seems we are back, with no spell to break the routine.

Scared to sit with myself, in the bath. Eating alive these sad songs, and watching the thoughts return to my head. Trying to ignore everything that I remember, and not feel the ever-threatening, godforsaken guilt.

Let the drink drive my mind

i don't care for what's inside

my body for this

and hate through your lips

I remember you.

Put my top on cause I dont feel safe topless

Not tonight

When wanting never got me anything anymore, nor wishing

And my finger is still too sore to type

Maybe its a sign

Maybe it's a design on my life

When I don't see you: sleep for too long but still

Not even in my dreams

And the appetite bites back

Not sad, because sadness doesnt eat

Not scared because fear keeps my stomach cater-bugs moving

or gives them wings

Just empty, like anything that ever was empty

Strike this bowl, it will ring

She couldn't remember the words to the songs she wanted to sing

---

Which way shall I fly, Infinite wrath, and infinite despair? Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell; And, in the lowest deep, a lower deep, Still threatening to devour me, opens wide, To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.

Milton

someone tell me

what makes a reaction

"Cause if you care for someone enough, their happiness is worth your pain"

*

Words of an amazing friend yet again

You're famous in my eyes!

Dreams and desires

She said to me, said..

"You need to follow your heart, your passion. You've been doing whats 'right' for too long, now you need to do what you love"

.

Journal, she said - start writing. Write about your hopes, your dreams, your desires.

.

As though writing could sort it all out..

.

My hopes? My desires? They've always been pretty simple. Do you want to know what I see when I look into my future?

.

Let me paint you a picture.

*

A big, square English house, on a large plot - at least an acre! Beautiful garden, hundreds of flowers... ponds... green, green grass... hedges... bushes... courtyards... wise, old trees. Maybe leading onto woods at the bottom, or an orchard, a river.. Just luscious, green, serene, vast. With a view till the sunset. I want to hear the birds, see the birds... Taste the wind, smell the freshness.

*

And my house nestled in the middle of all of this, with dogs bounding around -tails wagging, tongues dripping. And happy, smiling kids running and tumbling in the grass, a house full of people - maybe my parents... a full kitchen: always something on the stove or in the oven! Fresh muffins, scones... biscuits, cakes... and a breakfast table outside under a tree to drink tea and watch the children play. Maybe a greenhouse, with vegetables and herbs!

*

But inside, and most appealing of all - a library, with a fireplace, a rug, hundreds of books on shelves with a sliding ladder, and an armchair, with my favourite man in the whole world seated in it. My heart leaps just to see him, and when his eyes raise to meet mine, his smile melts me. And he'll hold me like he's never going to let go - and I know he won't. Maybe take his hand and walk through the French doors, into the cool evening air... it doesn't matter where we go, and we don't need to say a word, just as long as we're together.

*

I can see it all so vividly, my house full of love. It's all I've ever wanted, and it will be exactly what I have. Seems all this other stuff is just a build-up.

.

I just have to make sure my actions today allow for my dreams to come true tomorrow.

If this wasn't what I meant
- A wall
No space for my hole
- At all
Legs too weak to climb over

If clouds fall on
- My head
And slipping on rain, crawl
- Onto the carpet
In your hall
Hit my head on that damn wall

Stumble
Drool
Timber
Ashes
Smoke
Cinders

Please don't pretend it's all I ever need rake this soil plant this seed we don't get what we want we get what we need they take it all away and we wait long nights for break of day with no sleep no fucking sleep but god help me i still can't weep.

"He says everything about you is sexy - your smile and all... and he's asking how I'm not attracted to you. So I said I am attracted to you, but I try not to look at you that way, 'cause I have a girlfriend. And if I looked at you that way it'd make me want you."

The same drama over again
And I, play different roles
I'm just waiting for this one to play out

Of lies and deceit

He doesn't love you

You're just a replacement

Just another face to

Fill the hole she doesn't

It's pretend

Why walk when you can run?
Why keep quiet when you can talk?

And why have a casual relationship...when you can fall in love?