Your mind.

"I am a bad person Leila,
My mind is a horrible place."

Here, belly down
Watching one more tear roll down
Your over-used cheek

What can I tell you
Seeing you hurt so kills me
That I assess every idea you tell me
Against my own
And choose what's best for you
That I cannot tell you this

My perfection eats away at you
Did I not ever feel like you do
I try to explain to you that out of every hundred thoughts
You may know two.
That I did not teach you how to draw.
Two minutes ago you said you did not remember.

My name, with resentment, spewed from your lips
It's all I can do not to cry
But itching my eye I feel mine tooIs moist.

That in your moments of emptiness
All I would do is help you be whole again
But I have no idol to introduce you to

You believe not that which I admit to you
Or think I would mock you
I would not

My heart, it bleeds,
Less for the memories of my tortured head
And more for yours now
Though I will not agree with your confessions of insanity
Or lack of a heart.
I gave so much to you
Where is it all now?

You sit, cross-legged
Preaching to me
But Mr. Hyde, has he gone?
Mr Jekyll remains, or some cold, mean hearted version of him.
You say you can't help it
I have seen you at your worst.
I cry for you but won't let you see it

Watch what I say? - How dare you try save me
When you cannot save yourself?

I realise that more than you realise,
have become like me
Oh, you want to help
You want to preach
You cannot listen.
Heaven forbid I am the same,
To some superior being
I tell you to wait, wait
But I, at you age, I could not.

Scorn, pouring from your fingertips
Issuing slaps, you push
Me and everyone else away
But I push my way back in
If shouting got my message across
If anything did
This would be different
Not this, again and again and again

"Clash. Do you believe that?"
No, I don't.
I don't believe that we aren't meant to get along.
I do not know everything,
You would or would not have me.
It varies, it differs not.

I try, constantly, to see inside your head.
I would understand,
My own little case study,
My tortured genius
I envy you somewhat,
My voices have died.
My twenty years swallowed my inconsistency
And I sit here stable, listening to your monotone.
Your voice that drives me mad,
Your words that I can't stand.
I can't talk to you when you're like this.

"I don't know who I am"
Did you really think someone would save you?
I cannot, and I care most - is this true?
Maybe there's something wrong with our head
Maybe you're stupid
But you throw old statements back and back again
Let it go?

So.
The other night you told me
There are angels, in people.
Angels, sent by God.
Tonight you took back your words.
I am more than just a good person.
Though you say that is all.

The dark entrails of your mind,
Strewn here on the floor
Bare floorboards, where did you find them?
Cold and black, they scare me
I see why they scare you
But I, I must feign courage
For you who has none right now.

It exhausts me
Wading through your laments
Dispelling your mental problems
Where you think I will not listen
It is my duty to oppose.
You think I think I am better
I just want you to be happy
And not empty.

Float, float on
If you are not a angel
What are you, that floats?
I do not fear what you fear.

One thousand names for this condition.
But seeing you snap
Is something I hate experiencing
Dealing with your two parallel worlds
Tiptoeing around your black world and black sister
What do I say to her,
When she turns my heart stone.

"I think I'm scared of the dark"

All i want

Okay, let me write to you and tell you all it is that I want.

All that I want. be it selfish or not. For it to be here and manifest before my eyes, for me to see it and train my subconscious to bring this to me. Make my desires true. Because a stated dream is a dream half caught, isn’t it?

When you feel the lack, then you must know that you want what you seem to be lacking. If this is true I have found my wants, so clearly. In moments of despair they seem unachievable, far, far away, unrealistic. As though this lack could not be filled. And I know I have holes which I deem only to be fillable by certain objects, certain beings, certain places. I am filled with these holes, heaven forbid they should be fatal.

“and then suddenly it struck me how I had nowhere to be, noone to be with. I suddenly felt alone, irrationally (I see that now) but immensely, immediately, heart-achingly alone.
I felt like crying (I did, a wee bit), I wanted to be surrounded by people, lots of people. Old people. new people, exciting people, people who I still had to get to know, anyone, everyone. Instead though, I had no one

..And I saw my future span out just the same. Me, bored with life, the long, lonely, empty days. For the rest of university, for the rest of work.. for the rest of ever, forever..”

People, faces, voices, thoughts, sights, the wind, the sky, the grass, the hills, they all make their holes.

Your face, your voice, your words.

“I know, its not even true now. But in that moment it's all I truly believed in.

I managed to shake it.
but its still there, lurking.

I was just looking through the photos of my holiday and I realised I want to be in the mountains, on the farms, under the trees, in the hills, by the streams, running with the goats... you get my point. I realise I’m just like my grandad, a free spirit”

So some small idea of what it is, that and a lover to brave the cold wind with, watch the million stars with, climb the hills with. I want.

I don't want to tell you, I don't think I should.
But I want you to guess.

Ever get the feeling, that it isn't enough.



A certain situation is missing something?

An incomplete, uncomfortable feeling inside?

Like there should be a next step, a next level...



But you don't know what it is that would complete it?

I know, that everything that happens to me is my lesson, a lesson. It's just sometimes I can't see the trees for the forest. It's hard to remove myself, dissociate and observe what's happening to me from another perspective. I find that extremely difficult.

x

I suppose that it is normal to feel as though you don't know what to feel, don't know what to think, how to react..

I don't like being normal.

d

I just know now that this game has had its day, and I'm sick of making excuses for it. As much as I revel in the confusion and the drama, I think it's high time I stopped seeking it out. Or do a 'Demartini' and re-assess my priorities. Which is all very well to say, but pushing 'relationships' down to a lower rung on my priorities ladder isn't as easy as talking about doing it is, it is a stubborn demand, and my head has one million rational reasons why it is the most important.

.

I don't know, I feel a bit out of control of my life, like suddenly it's going in a direction I didn't entirely intend it to, and it's travelling fast.. Is this what turning twenty does to you? Or have I lost sight of what life is about? What is life about? Because if I really want to shift my priorities I need to stop answering "Love" to that question.

.

i just want to feel in control, like I have time on my side, my whole life ahead of me, not that there's a risk the rest of my life might be directionless and mundane, every day running into the next.

.

I've never felt so scared, and that in itself scares me more.

Lyrics provided by Pierce the Veil

Me:

"If you call me at all
Don't tell me that I'm ordinary
Cause I won't be passing you, please don't leave
And if you tell me you're listening to everything you read

Turn off this light, call my name"

You:

"Oh, I hear you breathing on the line
Oh baby girl, I'm not your type
I'll leave you hurting every night
So I won't be coming back."

Life Lessons (# 200)

"Wonder why I'm so caught off guard..
When we kiss
Rather live my life, in regret,
Than do this.."

J.E.W


There is no point in either of us gettin upset, if we ask for honesty, is there?

I am terrified of your anger, and guilty for your pain
If we fight like this tonight, will tomorrow be the same?

I don't quite know.

"Please cut me out, cut me out
Plot and make me the lover you wanted
When you were young and asleep
And I'm fine when you, you burn my core from a bottle
The lover you wanted while you waited so long"

Brand New

"Why can't you... why can't you... why can't you just love me back?" The Spill Canvas

I hate to enter this self loathing mess which is not me
But am I really as unlovable as you make me feel
I wish I was bleeding through my wounds and not my eyes
Or that the room would not collapse more on me with each sigh
I want someone to tell me, that's it going to be alright
Someone to hold me, someone to dream of me at night
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone
Sometimes I wonder, if this is a prison, or a home
And will anyone ever save me
Or want me for their own
I am the meanest sad person I know.

I can't part my lips to fake a smile
Or bear you thinking I'm a fool
Fuck you, I don't need you to want me
And it's not like I ever will
If I could choose where to place this,
Then I would not choose you.

Cold running down my chest
My face it is a mess
But don't worry it's what I do best
Pushing people away
Well, if I didn't, would you stay?

I am deflated
And still being poked from every side
They wouldn't bother
If they knew I was dead inside
Already

I just want something to call my own
Untouched, and unique
To see how I have grown
To become something I am so proud of
But you all leave alone

Look at the repurcussions
Your nothingness has had
Why do I chase you to fulfill me
When you leave me so damn sad

I am a monster, I am a monster in disguise
If you don't believe me, just look in my eyes
If you chase me now, know that I am paralysed
This is what you did to me with your ill concealed lies
My heart has rotted, rip it out, leave it for the flies
And if they leave that which bound it, undo all the ties
I have noone to turn to, so why get out alive?

I wish for you to read this
I wish for you to feel my pain
I wish for you to need me
And love me once again
I wish for you to talk to me
Or at least try
I wish that you had regretted
Never having the chance to say goodbye
I wish that I could read your mind
Long enough to see you care
And maybe long enough to tell
You miss me not being there

Thank the heavens I am straight forward
And lay my cards out on the line
Thank the heavens I can survive
Without you agreeing to be mine
Curse the underworld for hating me
And wasting all my time

Stating what I feel, is it helpful
To make this seem more real
I feel let down, I feel alone
That this life is surreal
To stare into the darkness
And avoid sleep
Because I would wallow in the pain
And drown

If you care, show me
And I will not test you
If you love me, tell me
And I will love you
If you need me, just don't pretend
I'll discover it in the end
And lies are as good as ommission
A lie doesn't have to be outright to make it not alright
And if you don't know what you want, enjoy your confusion
But you will know what you don't want.

I will not, I will not, I WILL NOT BE A FOOL
I will not let you see me hurt
I do not hurt
No, not for you
Not half as much as you want me to
Correcting myself, No, you don't care
I was your fill-in for someone else not there
So why did anyone, ever, think this was fair
For all purposes I officially do not care
So thankyou, thankyou, for not being there


Because I won't spend another night thinking about you.

I won't let this slide
While it's fresh on my mind
You don't deserve me baby
I'm one of a kind

Don't know whether to be happy or sad tonight
If I miss you already, or just miss someone being there

I don't understand
How it's been so long
But you still have this effect on me?
Is it too good to change,
Or not good enough to?

Yes,
Not one flutter,
Not one stir
I don't feel it anymore

A half lament from a half writer

It's not reassuring to reflect back on posts from years back and wonder whether your intelligence levels - at least in terms of writing and such - haven't decreased.

On contemplating possible reasons why:

Maybe the lack of English classes (that I had at school) has affected my grasp of the language - negatively.

Maybe I have become too yoga-like; too non-attached, too simplified, that I see the world in black and white. (On this possibility, I have had someone proclaim exasperatedly "But Leila! Everything is not so black and white as you see it! There is grey area inbetween!")

Maybe I've become less pompous and wordy and get my point across better, without the necessary faffle.. (Oh you foolish 17yr old, who even tricks a future you into believing you know it all!)

Or maybe I just analyze things less and it's beneficial to my overall happiness?

I know writers are the ones who will chase heartache and unrequited love - morbid as it seems - to inspire them, (why is it we struggle to write about happiness? that sorrow and pain flows more easily, the words like blood from our slit fingertips?), but I have always been reluctant to tag myself 'a writer' - I do not know whether I deserve the title I afford so much respect.

I suppose that, as ever, my lament has no purpose (My tea has gone cold, I could probably do without the extra sugar in any case), but I feel it must be noted, if only for my own pride, or for posterity (Oh posterity! How many undeserving items you pointlessly claim).

One can only hope that I am not in rollerblades, atop some hill, slowly rolling down... or worse, not only there, but with some naughty child ready to push me and speed my journey - Oh why, why!, must everything that goes up come hurtling down? I would have myself special enough to overrule gravity. Silly girl.

How many, how many times can i say
No, no, i need you to stay
So I won't, i won't, push you away
although you need to go.

How many, how many times,
Can you cry, at my feet fall
Thinking I don't care at all
What can I say?

It's just
One more day
And nothing, nothing changed
No, it stays the same
Even if it kills us
Oh, it will one day
Pleasure, please take this pain
This pain, take it away
Seems like it will always be this way

If never, no not ever, we hope
I should leave
You won't let me go
At least not alone
So I will sleep
Sleep to forget
And wake up to regret
Everything I said to you
It's not fair, no it's not fair

Hold me, hold me tight
What you can get
Because if you leave today
You're convinced I'll forget
By tomorrow?
This, what you can have, love this
Not some dream, some indifferent scheme

This, this, it takes over my head
Just be quiet, come lie with me instead
No, go away
I want you, I need you
I really should leave you
Please, stay
Don't stay

Help me, help me, I don't know what to say
Why wait tomorrow, when yesterday's tomorrow is today
Today, today, today
Yes, don't wait
You can't have this
Tommorow, tomorrow, tomorrow
You won't want it anymore
I can't be sure
But I know my head is sore
My mind is tired

You, you, you
Need to forget
But I, I, I
Don't seem to let you

Why, why, why do I feel so alone?
In everything I do and the decisions I make.

I wish there were two of me so one could support the other.

She always thought she was different
From everyone, with all their shit
Different, different, doesn't always cut it

A whirlwind
Of feelings and non-feelings and fears
Falling over these same stumbling-blocks
She thought he had taken them with him
Maybe the new one had brought them back.

Assorted bruises on her leg
One for each of them
So they all had their mark
She fell more when it was dark
And they blocked out the light.
And they took all her fight.
So she melted into them
Trying not to pretend
That it was any different.

But oh yes, he said it was.

Looking back, and reading pain
Mistakenly thinking this time was the same
Just how she pushed them all away

A story for another day?
Maybe, because he was tired,
And left her to sleep
Some hormonal version of her was left to weep
And feel alone.

Her lips on his, and his, and his
Each day brings another feeling
And another way to deal with it
Who knew which one was right?

Poor little confused girl
Taking pity on herself
Or chasing pain to make her feel alive
She would close her eyes while she would drive
And just hope that she would be alright
Night after night after night

I don't know
If what I do is right, or wrong
But I'll not think about it, and sing along

I can't guess,
If this is real, or a test
But I'll try do my best
Not knowing if it was ever good enough
To begin with

I'm feeling slightly lost
Slightly scared
You caught me unprepared

Chasing you away
With these fears that kept me safe
Maybe keeping you here is more than I can take.

Okay, I think it's time I poured my heart out to you. Because I need to take an objective look at myself, if only for a few minutes.

I find myself expressing my fears. In itself, this should be a good thing. Better surely, that compacting them inside, hiding them and denying them.

So what do I fear? Simply, in relationships, I fear being second-best. I don't want to do that one again, not anytime soon. I feel however, that I seem to get myself into situations that make me second-best. I seem to be attracted to guys that are already in love with someone else. And it's noone's shortcoming except my own. I seem to attract pain, even take some sort of morbid pleasure in it. Another issue I'm trying to understand.

But the tricky bit comes in trying to stop the fears taking over. Stopping starting things with the end in mind. And pushing people away with my fears. Am I wrong for thinking this is going to go the same way? Or stupid for doing this again?

I'm stopping here, because I can't go on like this, can't write like this.

We may not always get what we want. But we always get what we need.

"Are you dazed
From too much meat and wine?

Of are you a soldier
On the field of battle?"
Hafiz

The warning again and again.
Again pertaining to you.

That's it I'm done

Done with regret

And missing you

Done with being dragged back.

That's it, I've forgotten.

Anything we ever had.

And here creeps in the doubt

Did we ever have anything at all?

Confusion,

Again.

.

Is it me that chases it? Or all girls - rendering me the same.

Just thinking it taps my heartbeat, each beat bringing pain.

.

"Humanity is bewildered by false idols

And driven by vain fantasies into the pit of destruction"

.

Eerily accurate advice. But it is so hard,

.

So hard to judge the false idols from the rest.

Especially when any one persons idols differ from the next.

With no one to guide me,

Or tell me which way to turn my feet.

I find myself ambling down too many familiar streets.

.

"Dive into the boiling sea of passion,

And all grief will run from you"

.

But they still want me to believe that love solves everything,

Still want me to surrender

And I'll believe them and they knew I always would.

Because, without love, there's nothing else.

If this is what I know I don't want

Why do I question it

Sometimes when I look in your eyes

I know I would die for it

Why am I plagued, by this haunting feeling of being betrayed

It's all too familiar

Why do I feel my heart sink

Everytime I'm left alone

I should be used to this

Why do I insist that someone will be there for me

And set myself up for a fall

Life is life alone.

.

"There are moments that hold aeons of seperation

Yet parting is naught but an exhaustion of the mind

Perhaps we have not parted."

The Garden Of The Prophet

On Fears and Hopes

Just wonder, why it makes me so angry
To hear your fears
- That you're scared I do what everyone else does,
What? - Fall in love with you?
I told you I don't fall easily..

And I told you that I'm scared,
That I'll be the one that's different,
The one that you end up falling for first..
Maybe it isn't so much a fear as a hope.

I told you I've been feeling aggressive,
I was just being honest.
So I hope you aren't surprised.

But it's a sensitive subject,
When all I need is to be different,
I'm scared you'll tag me the same.

'So why does it always seem

That every time I turn around

Somebody falls in love with me?'

City and Color

Am I doing this wrong for refusing to be anyone's fool,

When everyone has to be someone's?

I don't know.

Can I pick this up off the floor...?

*

"With all of this I know now

Everything inside of my head

It all just goes to show how

Nothing I know changes me at all

Again I wait for this to change instead

To tear the world in two

Another night with her

But I'm always wanting you"

Blink

*

When it falls, it all falls

When it rains, it pours

I can't take this anymore

*

"On the way home,

This car hears my confessions.

I think tonight I'll take the long way.

This weather,

The wind outside is biting.

It has left me feeling tired.. and exposed."

Dashboard

*

Look, the drama's repeating itself again

And they've switched my role

*

"My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.

It's clouded and so is my head.

The hint of these new tears are sharp,

I try to choke them back..

But it's useless,

I am useless against them

They're beating me with ease"

Dashboard

*

Tell me who or what to turn to

'Cause false hope don't keep me warm

When there's noone to listen,

I'll just talk to myself

Go on, make it worth all these sacrifices I make.

Because I don't think you do.

"I can't have what I want,
So I don't want anything.."

Love I will wait for you

though I am scared you do not come

giving you up leaves no future to live for

beat

every heartbeat is an eternity alone

time turns and still

you don't think of me

beat

how long can this last?

my heart i give

in trust to you

because some things cannot

be broken more

and ask you to act as though it were whole

lover, i melt

into these arms that are not yours

protect me

from what i want because

it does not want me

im trying to make you understand

that the lack of passion you feel,

is because i am trying to forbid myself from loving you

*

My hands are tied

My body bruised

She's got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose

.

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give...

And you give...

And you give yourself away

.

I can't live with or without you

I can't live with or without you

I can't live...

I can't live with or without you

U2

we try to live out our yesterdays

when they were better than our todays

I am not breathing
In airless pits I squirm
My dreams haunt me to teach me
Lessons which I just cannot learn


Wake up to find I'm falling
Fall to sleep to find I'm not
All the time I'm crawling
Away so I don't rot

What's the good of honesty when honesty says I love you and I can't be without you?

Yes, still. I'm so sick of pretending it's not there.

well I'm not writing because I'm still not feeling very much. I have had a brief lapse from dry eyes and I am grateful. But it seems we are back, with no spell to break the routine.

Scared to sit with myself, in the bath. Eating alive these sad songs, and watching the thoughts return to my head. Trying to ignore everything that I remember, and not feel the ever-threatening, godforsaken guilt.

Let the drink drive my mind

i don't care for what's inside

my body for this

and hate through your lips

I remember you.

Put my top on cause I dont feel safe topless

Not tonight

When wanting never got me anything anymore, nor wishing

And my finger is still too sore to type

Maybe its a sign

Maybe it's a design on my life

When I don't see you: sleep for too long but still

Not even in my dreams

And the appetite bites back

Not sad, because sadness doesnt eat

Not scared because fear keeps my stomach cater-bugs moving

or gives them wings

Just empty, like anything that ever was empty

Strike this bowl, it will ring

She couldn't remember the words to the songs she wanted to sing

---

Which way shall I fly, Infinite wrath, and infinite despair? Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell; And, in the lowest deep, a lower deep, Still threatening to devour me, opens wide, To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.

Milton

someone tell me

what makes a reaction

"Cause if you care for someone enough, their happiness is worth your pain"

*

Words of an amazing friend yet again

You're famous in my eyes!

Dreams and desires

She said to me, said..

"You need to follow your heart, your passion. You've been doing whats 'right' for too long, now you need to do what you love"

.

Journal, she said - start writing. Write about your hopes, your dreams, your desires.

.

As though writing could sort it all out..

.

My hopes? My desires? They've always been pretty simple. Do you want to know what I see when I look into my future?

.

Let me paint you a picture.

*

A big, square English house, on a large plot - at least an acre! Beautiful garden, hundreds of flowers... ponds... green, green grass... hedges... bushes... courtyards... wise, old trees. Maybe leading onto woods at the bottom, or an orchard, a river.. Just luscious, green, serene, vast. With a view till the sunset. I want to hear the birds, see the birds... Taste the wind, smell the freshness.

*

And my house nestled in the middle of all of this, with dogs bounding around -tails wagging, tongues dripping. And happy, smiling kids running and tumbling in the grass, a house full of people - maybe my parents... a full kitchen: always something on the stove or in the oven! Fresh muffins, scones... biscuits, cakes... and a breakfast table outside under a tree to drink tea and watch the children play. Maybe a greenhouse, with vegetables and herbs!

*

But inside, and most appealing of all - a library, with a fireplace, a rug, hundreds of books on shelves with a sliding ladder, and an armchair, with my favourite man in the whole world seated in it. My heart leaps just to see him, and when his eyes raise to meet mine, his smile melts me. And he'll hold me like he's never going to let go - and I know he won't. Maybe take his hand and walk through the French doors, into the cool evening air... it doesn't matter where we go, and we don't need to say a word, just as long as we're together.

*

I can see it all so vividly, my house full of love. It's all I've ever wanted, and it will be exactly what I have. Seems all this other stuff is just a build-up.

.

I just have to make sure my actions today allow for my dreams to come true tomorrow.

If this wasn't what I meant
- A wall
No space for my hole
- At all
Legs too weak to climb over

If clouds fall on
- My head
And slipping on rain, crawl
- Onto the carpet
In your hall
Hit my head on that damn wall

Stumble
Drool
Timber
Ashes
Smoke
Cinders

Please don't pretend it's all I ever need rake this soil plant this seed we don't get what we want we get what we need they take it all away and we wait long nights for break of day with no sleep no fucking sleep but god help me i still can't weep.

"He says everything about you is sexy - your smile and all... and he's asking how I'm not attracted to you. So I said I am attracted to you, but I try not to look at you that way, 'cause I have a girlfriend. And if I looked at you that way it'd make me want you."

The same drama over again
And I, play different roles
I'm just waiting for this one to play out

Of lies and deceit

He doesn't love you

You're just a replacement

Just another face to

Fill the hole she doesn't

It's pretend

Why walk when you can run?
Why keep quiet when you can talk?

And why have a casual relationship...when you can fall in love?

Misplaced tears

Suppressed fears

Wet in the rain.

Just the tears, no associated emotions
Misplaced, at the wrong time, wrong event, no event
Why do I feel so numb?

*

*

"A broken promise,

I was not honest,

Now I watch as tables turn,

And you're singing

-I'll wait my turn,

To tear inside you,

Watch you burn,

I'll wait my turn,

I'll wait my turn."

-Placebo

It isn't enough.

For you I trust - my morals put to the test
I cry - for this put to rest
And maintain that rain falls to change the pattern

I surrender - my heart, lungs, kidneys
Swallow you whole and let you wash right through me

I can't remember - how the sun tastes
Or my fingers through your hair
I pace lonely corridors in my dreams - you are not there

Submerge myself in this blood just to keep these words flowing
And self-medicate - to keep you from knowing

Because you can't know.

If we weren't what we thought we were

If we weren't anything at all

If this was built on lies

Why are we so scared of this fall

Walking away, again. The hardest thing. It should be, but I'm still numb inside - from the alcohol? - I'm not proud. I'm doomed to be alone because I cannot trust anyone who makes the same promises to me that I could not keep for others. I feel dead, but this internal morning isn't for my doomed soul. It's for losing what I gave so much of myself to keep.

Enough is enough. I will not be lied to.

When I give another more self respect than I give myself, something has to give. Maybe it's love yes.

I love you more than life itself.

It's silly. I don't need Love anymore. Actually, love - it doesn't deserve the capital letter. I am going to make myself scared again. So I can wait. It's too much, too much of a risk. I don't need it when I'm outcomes focused and it can't end well. I need something permanent right now. Anything permanent, because I feel as though my life were a ship on water, constantly moving even when moored. And I can't get off.

I feel sick with the thought of it. But I know I am strong enough to walk away this time. I only wonder briefly if you will try save this, and if you don't, your reasons for giving up? Beyond this vague curiousity, nothing. No tears yet. No tears, for me. I've been crying at every pathetic soap and lame American drama that I have set eyes upon in the last month, but no tears for ths goodbye because you have killed it. You killed it and you don't feel it. I don't feel your feelings anymore - either that or there are none - but it would not be a surprise because I can't even feel my own.

Looking back, reading from years before I see that history has repeated itself. Guess I learn my lessons the hard way, twice.

Seems I exhausted all my options. Maybe the elders were right. Maybe the tarot were right. Maybe just about everyone and everything was right, and I was wrong. Wrong, horribly wrong. I refuse to think about the possibility of just me being right,and everyone else mistaken; I can't regret this tomorrow. I won't.

.

If I don't have trust, there's nothing left.

.

There's nothing left.

***

For so long you danced by the crevice in my mind,

where one more wrong step was your fall

I guess you fell

.

Drink up beautiful

I spiked your cup with angst and a heart attack

Cause I've got so much trapped

And it's all because of you

So I figured you might like some back.

.

But when I see her

I'll tell her what's been on my mind

All these sleepless nights.

She'll recite her excuses

I'll put my tail between these legs of mine

Like I do all the time.

.

I can't live my life, knowing you'll be in his arms

Each time I blink my eyes.

I know what goes on behind my back

Every night

I'm afraid I'll never leave

Afraid I'll never know what's good for me.

.

And now you say that, you say you love me.

Well I may have your heart, but he has your body.

And now you swear that you're being honest,

But you're not honest, you never could be.

.

Bayside - Don't call me Peanut

I tried

.

You lied

.

Goodbye.

This is it.
I haven't written for a while now. And it's no wonder why.
Writing means admitting what's in my heart, I'd rather not.
I want to feel what I want to feel, so tired of being slave to these emotions.
Same old story, I thought I was stronger than that.

Spilling my heart onto this canvas doesn't always make the prettiest picture
It won't sell
But hitting my head against this wall might make a mark to last forever
If the tears won't wash the blood, then why cry as well?

Can you massage these dreams out of me
And throw away the memory
Can you explain one more time how this went so wrong

Seems like it's a year for goodbyes.

The timings off, or exactly right

That I can say goodbye without having to fight

In my head.

Not one last look

Or another mistake

This is what you take from me

Velcro Hearts

Just stick them back together

Don't be sorry you didn't call
I'd rather know sooner that you don't care at all

"there is no good in always being right,
but the good in being wrong, is it really that good?"

i'm so grateful for you friend.

I am of two minds
I am of more
I am more people than this one heartbroken girl
They live inside me


And there she was
Black, tall
We could not look at her nor him
What good to face eyes that love us not
Next to arms that don't hold us
Wondering, would he hold her, when we left
But he would leave with us
Though seperate

Home now, alone
Just me and me
Us
We can't forget the white face
Or help wonder what was missing

Two minds, for one would stay
One would go
And both knew it was not forever
It is still remembered
Tonight we live this again
Up to the left of our gaze

Now he, she, they are both here
And soon to be more
And we could not be happier
To surrender these two minds
To one

So I step forward

***

We didn't find her - she found us.
She sniffed us out.
She sat there
Slightly filthy with erotic mystery.
I saw the dreamer in her
Had fallen in love with me and she did not know it.
That moment the dreamer in me
Fell in love with her, and I soon knew it.

Hughes

Nothing leaves me the same


Hafiz - Ghazal 270

Ask not what sorrows for love I endure
Ask not of parting poisons that make me impure.
I have travelled the world and in the end
Ask not what lover I willingly allure.
Longing for a vision, at her door
Ask not of the tears that I pour.
With my own ears I heard her last night
Ask not of her words, harsh yet demure.
Bite not your upper lip and speak not
Ask not what sweet lips I may secure.
In my mendicant state without you
Ask not of my pain and need for a cure.
On the path of Love, Hafiz, lost & unsure
Ask not of his standing, high and pure.

All the stars point to this

you know me, i always want to be judged
everybody wants
not the same things though
...not everybody gets
not everyone wants the same thing. in fact most people don't, not in the long run anyway
and im too used to getting what i want.
you know that too
well i know that you like to say you are used to getting what you want, but for as long as i can remember you have not been getting what you want at all.
so u need a change

no prizes for guessing which one is me

These winds, they change me, though change is just a phase
Today's promises are broken, for tomorrow remains the same
For those who do not falter, their thoughts are just a game
Breathe into me and through me, for it isn't you I blame

I'd say I'm a pretty confused girl.. The ones fascinated by philosophy, literature, religion or lack thereof; love... usually are. I'm okay with that though. It's not ideal but rather be confused than ignorant.

How do you see me?
I'm a million different people to a million different people, and every one of them is me. I don't pretend. I'm one of those people who are always interested in what others think of them.Why is that? One of those people who are always asking 'Why?'. I have these desires: to know that everything has a reason, to know what drives people, their values, what makes them different.

If only I could read your mind, if only you could read mine.