Thursday, December 21, 2006

Thursday, December 14, 2006

spontaneous ramblings episode 23856

why can't i walk in the rain? why can i not get wet? you would know all of my world and not approve? you would frown upon that which i believe in? would you always find me unable to decide for myself? will you never accept how I wish to be, a different view? would you never accept that you are wrong? i fear you have instilled that very fear in me. i dream of being free yet i keep you my captive. how could we ever agree? i chase heartache, heed me not. i pray to an entity i believe not in. i support that which i believe is wrong in essence. i am not sure where i stand. why do you love me? why do you hold me dear? why do you hold me? i am just a doll. A little fragile, did you know? i believe what i want. i analyse you. do you think about me? i think about you. do you care? do i care? i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i want you. i wish i could see past these stereotypes i have made for myself. i wish too much. wish and it will always stay as such - a wish. just a wish. i have everything i have ever wanted. i don't. i want. tame my lustful heart. foolish, foolish heart. why won't my heart listen to my head? why do i ask so many questions that i can't find answers to? why do i confuse myself? why do you confuse me? i do not understand you! i'm sure you do not understand me. i can't understand myself. i'm just looking for the answers. will i search my whole life? is this it? is this all i will ever be? is this all there is? is this love? who is goign to keep me warm? who is going to keep me safe? will you hold my hand because i am so scared. i'm scared of you even scared of myself. scared of what i might be. what if? who knows what will happen. maybe tomorrow. maybe never. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. and all this time my heart is still beating. and you make it beat faster. you all do. how many beats do i have left? how much longer can i go on? who will read this and will they understand? will they ever understand? can anyone understand? did i bring all of this upon myself? i don't remember asking for any of this. but i remember hurting people. i remember not listening to the voice inside my head. i remember regretting. but some things i don't regret. and some things i can't forget. even if i want to. but some part of me still doesn't want to let you go. i want to be there for you. i want to understand. i want to hold you. i don't want to push you away. i want you to realise that i am so much more than this. i want you to see in me what all those others see in me so clearly. why won't you see? you don't try to hear me, you do not listen. who taught me to be so scared? i always fancied myself to be so brave. i've tried so hard to be everything you wanted me to be. but it just isn't me. i can't forgive you this time. so how long can i wait?

Saturday, December 09, 2006