Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I had always trusted any eyes I permitted to read these words…
My heart spilled out before you.
But other regret has reached me of late; for trusting too much, for being undiscerning with my trust…Should these words be regretted too? I only regret the worst of things.
I had not seen myself as guarded with my emotions, I prefer to voice them. But they are not always welcomed.
Please. Give me no more reason to spill tears instead of words. I have lost too many friendships. And although I am adept at walking away it does not mean that I savour it. I wish that I could trust everyone who I choose to call my friend, I wish that people so named would not let me down. But I cannot, and they do. There is nothing to be done for it, except wait and see who lasts, and trust those who seem to last in the meantime. It is all temporary, I have long since come to terms with this, but never with the feeling of disappointment that lingers somewhere within me.
Another friend has gone, and I know not whether to fight for this one, or let it go. On the one hand, I am sorry, and I do not wish this split to be permanent. But on the other hand, everyone makes their choices, and he has made his. When you choose to consort with someone who is out to hurt a loved one, does it not serve to speak for itself? More than this, if I cannot trust that what I say to you will not be transferred to those who wish to use it against me, I cannot speak to you. I choose to comment no more. I miss you. But I will not expose myself to danger.
Another friend I chased today, despite myself.
Because some concessions must be made for the one you love most fiercely.
And so I concede, and chase those who may not deserve to be chased. I reach out to protect another, I have long since been too hurt to bear any chance of salvage from this source. I would rather cut loose, rather have no ties to those who wish to hurt me and bring me down. I do not know which is the right path.
I do not enjoy speaking in specifics…
But I can put myself in your shoes, and understand where you come from. And if I can do this, then I can forgive you. But if I cannot, I find it hard to believe that you are worth my forgiveness. Yes, my world does revolve around me, and those who create an extension of me. Yes, I am the most important person in my life, I have no shame for feeling this way, I am not embarrassed of the lengths I will go to to protect myself. If you are not the most important person in your life, maybe it is you who should reconsider your value system, because I consciously choose not to reconsider mine.
So it has been said, whose eyes will read this I know not. But I know that fewer eyes will understand it. But I beg you to try.