Everything reminds me of you.

spontaneous ramblings episode 23856

why can't i walk in the rain? why can i not get wet? you would know all of my world and not approve? you would frown upon that which i believe in? would you always find me unable to decide for myself? will you never accept how I wish to be, a different view? would you never accept that you are wrong? i fear you have instilled that very fear in me. i dream of being free yet i keep you my captive. how could we ever agree? i chase heartache, heed me not. i pray to an entity i believe not in. i support that which i believe is wrong in essence. i am not sure where i stand. why do you love me? why do you hold me dear? why do you hold me? i am just a doll. A little fragile, did you know? i believe what i want. i analyse you. do you think about me? i think about you. do you care? do i care? i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i want you. i wish i could see past these stereotypes i have made for myself. i wish too much. wish and it will always stay as such - a wish. just a wish. i have everything i have ever wanted. i don't. i want. tame my lustful heart. foolish, foolish heart. why won't my heart listen to my head? why do i ask so many questions that i can't find answers to? why do i confuse myself? why do you confuse me? i do not understand you! i'm sure you do not understand me. i can't understand myself. i'm just looking for the answers. will i search my whole life? is this it? is this all i will ever be? is this all there is? is this love? who is goign to keep me warm? who is going to keep me safe? will you hold my hand because i am so scared. i'm scared of you even scared of myself. scared of what i might be. what if? who knows what will happen. maybe tomorrow. maybe never. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. and all this time my heart is still beating. and you make it beat faster. you all do. how many beats do i have left? how much longer can i go on? who will read this and will they understand? will they ever understand? can anyone understand? did i bring all of this upon myself? i don't remember asking for any of this. but i remember hurting people. i remember not listening to the voice inside my head. i remember regretting. but some things i don't regret. and some things i can't forget. even if i want to. but some part of me still doesn't want to let you go. i want to be there for you. i want to understand. i want to hold you. i don't want to push you away. i want you to realise that i am so much more than this. i want you to see in me what all those others see in me so clearly. why won't you see? you don't try to hear me, you do not listen. who taught me to be so scared? i always fancied myself to be so brave. i've tried so hard to be everything you wanted me to be. but it just isn't me. i can't forgive you this time. so how long can i wait?

What do I want for Christmas?

Freedom.

last night

You keep saying 'tomorrow', 'tomorrow'
like today can wait
but i'm sure my mind is not going to change
somewhere between this day and the next

when all i'm asking from you is to stay with me
and when i need you, you leave.

how am i supposed to sieze the day when all inside of me is frozen?
and i can't cry these frozen tears
and the ice is spreading..
keep me alive
you couldn't mean for us to die?
but you're taking what you deserve
as though you finally saw
and leaving my iced tears to thaw
i swear they won't

i saw too late that i need you
now that you don't need me

----

"Remember I told you in life and death we'd bury our secrets when they tear us apart. But love means going this far even when the ending is the start."

Lovedrug - 'ghost by your side'

Signs

"You aren't going to just sit around and wait are you? Go out and make something happen"

How did he suss me out so well...

----

"If I had to choose a way to die

It'd be with you

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your face

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face..

How does it feel?"

The Spill Canvas - So Much

Rain, rain, rain

"I woke to the rain

- as though the world were dirty

and needed to be washed of its sins

- as though i were dirty

and needed to be washed of mine

Foolishly thinking the covers could keep me safe

but what i need to hide from

was under the covers all along

And in that moment

- in that moment alone

i understood

what love was,

Only to lose it to the rain."

Beauty

"I hate beautiful people.

'Cause I'm not beautiful."

-----

Someone said it to me. And it stuck.

For you

innocent intentions,
I don't know myself
I did, I hurt you

and i won't forgive myself

for using those who were weaker than me
for taking advantage
for playing with your heart
for being all that you wanted me to be
for never looking back

i blame myself

for taking your innocence
and throwing it to the wind
for taking your breath
so you couldn't breathe
for making you want me
for not wanting you

for all of this
for more
for what i did
for what i didn't do

for letting you believe
that there was a chance
for your lonely desperate soul
when another had a spell on me
when another held my heart
so tight it could not breathe
nor conceive even the thought of another

for not knowing what i wanted
and mistrusting myself
and letting you be a victim
for not understanding that others feel
for putting myself first
for putting you last
for still caring

i blame myself
i blame myself

why do the innocent suffer?
how could i make you suffer
just as i have done before
how could i let you know
the pain that i know all too well?
i fail to understand
the meaning of my thoughts

this is for not understanding you.

Saying sorry

she wants to say sorry

that she hates to taste your tears

just one more night with no goodbye

she can't face her fears

The painful in the heart

You can't make someone love you.

-----

"It is the painful in the heart

Who your sweet lips understand"

Hafiz - Ghazal 118

just a thought

my mind is yours

it will not calm

and everytime i see you

you catch me off my guard

do you see me at all?

A clear mind

Who would have thought -

That not thinking at all,

Was harder than thinking?

---

A quest - to keep the mind clear.

---
Keep my mind

From thoughts of you

From all the feelings you induce

- It's just not worth it.

---
"Those sweet lips, those sweet lips, my sentence" Hafez

not sorry

It's the hardest choice.

Why do we hurt the ones

we love the most,

And hurt those we protect,

Protect those we hurt.

I save my tears for you,

Most of them,

Some escape.

Not sorry.

Your hurt saves you from more.

Again

Again I suffer

for your misjudgement

- I thought I covered my tracks so well

Travelling

Well one country, is much like the other

They all see the same sky.

------

Paris

----------
- 'Each flower has it's own smell'

That's what he said

And I believe him

I always do.

------

Paris

----------
We're all people

- all fall prey to the same desires

All driven by the same needs

We all suffer one way.

------

Canterbury, Kent, England

-----------
And no, the world is not fair.

How misguided we are, chasing justice.

----

The Canterbury Cathedral

----------
"Take your steps away with hesitance.

Take your steps away from me" Jimmy Eat World - Cautioners

----------
"To whom shall I complain against thy hand

If I am to seek justice also from thy hand?" Sadi - Manner of Kings

sometimes..

sometimes,

you just want someone to tell you you're beautiful

...and that's all

unforgivable

im scared of you
the things you do
might do

i still say i love you

but i think before i step
whenever you're around
i don't love you
not anymore

it's still your fault
for doing what you did
and never saying sorry
or being sorry

i know everyone makes mistakes

but twice is too many
when my heart wants to forgive you
but my head knows it's not wise

Tanha

My heart is torn, torn, torn

If only it did not insist on being whole

When love keeps you trapped
...Don't leave me alone

Off on holidays for about 3 weeks!

Won't be able to post....

Thanks for checking in.

Jiminy Cricket

When I was younger, I used to have a voice in my head. I always imagined it to be my 'Jiminy Cricket' - my conscience speaking to me - but from within.

It was a droning, mumbling, persistent voice, and I remember only too well the sensation of almost being able to hear what it was saying. The harder I strained to hear what it was saying, the harder it was. It was as though I could hear it best when I just relaxed and diverted my mind - but even then I could not hear the words I so desperately sought. But I think...I think I knew what it was telling me, somehow.

The voice has disappeared - I almost miss it.

Don't look at me that way

"Don't look at me that way, it was an honest mistake" -
'Honest Mistake' - The Bravery

Foolish girl! You chased too much freedom. Too much freedom isn't good for anyone, not even you. Not even you.

Happiness

Sometimes everything just seems to make sense. Everything just slots into place...I think I'm having a lucid intervallum. I am so happy right now, I am so at peace. And I don't need anyone or anything to change right now. I think I glimpsed perfection - and I like it. But I'm not going to chase it now, I'm happy just knowing it exists. Wow. I think I know why people get high, if it feels anything like this does.

I know people are going to disappoint me. I know that life is complicated. I know that there are hardships in this life, that I may never find what I am so blindly searching for. But it doesn't bother me. None of it does. I am happy.

I want to bake my happiness in cakes and feed the nation.
I want to brew my happiness in beer and get everyone drunk.
I want to gift-wrap my happiness and give everyone a present.
I want to write my happiness on a pieces of paper and send them away on the ocean in bottles, for everyone to discover.
I want to shout my happiness into the wind so it whispers it to everyone.

Nothing special happened today. I just realised how happy I am, and how I haven't noticed.

One of many whys

Someone tell me Why,

Why do humans do things that make them unhappy?

--------

My ghazal for the other day. The question? I can't remember...but I really liked this one.

Of her black hair I complain, O ask me not
Cause of her, lost I remain, O ask me not.
In the hope of loyalty, nobody leaves his heart & faith
I repent, my deeds disdain, O ask me not.
A sip of wine never cause misdeed or grief
Ignorant put me through so much pain, O ask me not.
O pious one, pass me by, 'cause this red wine
Makes your faith vain, drives you insane, ask me not.
On the path of life and soul, stories abound
One will strain & one will feign, O ask me not.
I longed for health and bliss, but alas
That seductress holds my rein, O ask me not.
I asked the ball of heavens, what is my role on this plane?
In the polo game of life I entertain, O ask me not.
I asked, with your hair whose blood you drain?
By God, this story is a long chain, O ask me not.

--Hafez

To a friend lost in herself

Oh child, dear child.
Don't think you are the first to suffer so
Confusion is the sanction of an intelligent mind

Didn't anyone tell you
everything can be bought,
except love?

Now you're all grown up
And they can see you
When you can't see them -
It's no use hiding anymore

--------

Gag me because I say nothing worthwhile

Take me away
'cause if I can't help you
I can't help myself

It hurts to see so much of myself in you.

Roads

Everything has a price.

Opportunity cost. For every choice you make you are sacrificing something else. The thing you didn't choose, the road you didn't take.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood..."

It's all I can do not to dwell on the choices I didn't take, for better or for worse. There's no-one to help me choose, no-one to show me the way if I get lost down the wrong path. My life is defined by the sacrifices I make, by the roads I take.

Dolls and love and dullness

Lately I can’t seem to find the words to say what I think, and I think too much. I can’t express what I feel anymore. I find myself stuttering, restarting, searching. Has my mind despaired of how inefficiently I convey its magnificent thoughts? For words could never do it justice. But one more injustice isn’t going to make a difference in the world. Except to me, of course.

What am I to you? Just a broken doll.

There are a lot of things that scientists haven't discovered yet, things they don't know everything about, maybe never will. I see now that humans don't know love. Not completely. Maybe they never will. What made me come to this revelation? My overworked mind, but not just that. A book. A book so amazingly written that it puts other books to shame. A book I don't want to have read because it seems so wrong, to us. But it's so right in its own sense. A book that makes no sense at all but has taught me so much, confused me so much.

Ever read Lolita?

"Because you took advantage of a sinner
because you took advantage
because you took
because you took advantage of my disadvantage

when i stood adam-naked
before a federal law and all its singing stars
Because you took advantage of a sin
when I was helpless moulting moist and tender
hoping for the best
dreaming of a marriage in a mountain state
aye of a litter of Lolitas

Because you took advantage of my inner
essential innocence
because you cheated me-
Because you cheated me of my redemption
because you took
her at the age when lads
play with erector sets

a little downy girl still wearing poppies
still eating popcorn in the coloured gloam
where tawny Indians took paid croppers
because you stole her
from her wax-browed and dignified protector
spitting into his heavy-lidded eye
ripping his flavid toga and at dawn
leaving the hog to roll upon his new discomfort
the awfulness of love and violets
remorse despair while you
took a dull doll to pieces
and threw its head away
beacuse of all you did
becasue of all I did not
you have to die"

Don't. Don't tell me that isn't love.

Here's a thought...if you're willing to listen

"He only wants you when you're seventeen....

When you're twenty-one, you're no fun"

Ladytron - 17

I'm 18 in the morning.

My childhood is over.

I have this tape from when I was small. A cartoon. A poor little boy has a donkey, who is his best friend. It's all he has and he loves it so dearly. Then one day his family has absolutely no money left, and they have to sell the donkey. The donkey was called Small One. It used to make the tears stream down my face. If anybody mentions it to this day my eyes well up.

How do you explain to a little boy the unfairness of the world? Why do the donkeys suffer for mans stupidity?

I saw this man, we stopped to ask directions, and I thought to myself, it's Small One and the little boy grown up - they were never seperated. It made me so happy, I almost cried.

---------------------

The streets of Tehran

Cheetah footprints in the snow

Icicles

Small one

am i wrong?

Sometimes, I hear myself speak and I have no control over what I am saying.
It happens too often.

am i wrong for not trusting you when you have never betrayed me before?
am i wrong for not being satisfied with the little i have when no-one has the whole?
am i wrong for not baring my soul when yours is naked before my eyes?
am i wrong for not telling you my secret when you have told me yours?

will I find you, and when? should i still be waiting?

-----------

I would have liked to upload some more pictures, but Blogger was being such a pest, god bless him!

*

The first pic is on its side, (it's a tree). I am loathe to re-upload it as it would take me an eternity!

Both the pics are in a little village in Iran, in Hamadan province.

EDIT: Silly me, most of the words were in black! (And hence invisible)

Holiday photos episode 2

I could drive forever but when I stopped I still wouldn't be home

Oh take me somewhere else

somewhere i can breathe

Take me where i can see the stars dance

I don't belong here

I wish you wouldn't

Tell me where to lay my head at night
Or where to fall asleep

----------------

The first two are taken from the car window

1) A train, just outside of Tehran

2) The city of Qom

---

3) Zagros mountain range

My first set of holiday photos...

It saddens me to see beauty fallen. It saddens me to see beauty in the ruins.

Every morning the sun rises, and every day it sets on the same misery. Why do we see hope in the sun? It leaves us every night, and yet we forgive it each morning. We are only foolish mortals, every single one of us. More fool he who thinks he is better. Better than what?

And see how the mighty have fallen. How the mighty have been destroyed. What once stood so proud shattered into complacency. Not knowing what life was like before. Not knowing.

It's amazing one can see the mountains from here. For the smog is so thick it takes considerable effort to keep breathing. Remembering to breathe when it stings one's nostrils.

I think I love you

Home

Last year when I wrote my Australian finals (exams that we wrote instead of our mocks that we could have used/can use to get into Australian/British universities), we had an English writing paper. An essay for 70 marks, and transactional writing (ie. a letter) for 30. I'm all for essay writing, I love it. But letter writing isn't really my cup of tea. But that's getting off-track a little.

So anyway, what I was (eventually) getting around to was my essay. They gave us a load of different topics, some pictures, some words. I chose one that was something about home. Home is where the heart is. No, it wasn't that. Something like that. But it kinda got me thinking.

Take a girl like me. I don't have a home. I don't mean I'm homeless. Or a nomad or anything like that. I have a house, well, my parents do at least.Let me try explain myself. I was born in the UK. My mother is British, my father Persian. I always thought England was home. But then I got old enough to know better.

I'm a foreigner in England. I'm not British, I don't look British. Sure I speak English, I even have a British accent (it's fading away now). But my culture isn't British. I don't think people in England accept me as British, and I don't want to be British.

Okay, the younger me thought. So, you're not British. No big deal, it's pretty simple - you're Persian. If only it were that simple. It works both ways. I'm a foreigner in the UK, I'm a foreigner in Iran. So I speak a little Farsi. I can't even read it. Or write it. To the Persians, I'm as much of a foreigner as I am to the British.

To complicate matters even further, I've lived in Egypt. And now I live in South Africa. Egypt was home, South Africa is home but none are home.

So nowhere and everywhere seems like home. There's no one place that I feel intimately connected to, more than any other. To put it simply - I haven't really got a place that I insist my gravestone goes, or my ashes are sprinkled. I love England, I love Iran, I love the Middle East. Egypt, South Africa, and all the rest of the countries I've ever visited.

So after I got back from this last trip abroad, I found myself sitting opposite my mum and saying to her - "What the hell are we doing here?" Probably just the after-effects of a holiday that was too good to be true, huh? Or the side-effects of something bigger.

I got full marks for the essay by the way...

I'm back

I'm back and life has never been more wonderful!
I'm back and I don't think the stars have ever shone quite so bright.
I'm back and I don't think I have ever been more happy,
and it's all because...
It's all because

I wish I knew

My holiday was amazing.
Destination: Middle East

If I ever called anywhere home it might be there...

Until next time

I'm off for a few weeks, on holiday!

Will post again when I'm back.

--------------

Mortals that would follow me,

Love Virtue: she alone is free.

She can teach ye how to climb

higher than the sphery chime;

Or if virtue feeble were,

Heaven itself would stoop to her.

-

Milton

To a long lost grandfather

How many years has it been since I saw you last
Two? Three? Maybe even four now
It doesn't even matter how many years anymore.

You could see me, if you wished.
I was your first grandchild, I still am.

I want to be there for you,
love and care for you,
hold your hand when it gets tough.
But I don't think you'd let me.
And if you did I don't think I would let myself.

You don't tell me that you love me anymore
- did you ever?
I wouldn't believe you if you did.

How does it feel?
Tell me how does it feel to be alone.
I blame myself still,
Although I'm not the one to blame.

You will not even look at me, Grandad.
And I didn't do a thing,
just love you
and I want to love you still.
But you don't want my love,
and it shows.
You don't care.
And it hurts with a pain like none I have never felt before.

I cry for you but you're not worth my tears.
I can't forgive myself for leaving you.
But I can't forgive you- at least not until you say sorry.

You are never sorry.

It hurts to remember you, Grandad.
It hurts to know your life goes on
- without me in it.

Do you still think about me?
And why were you so eager to let me go?
You didn't even try.
Or even say goodbye.

I am the firstborn of your firstborn.
Your daughter's daughter.
All I have ever done was to impress you.
But you are not impressed.

I only exist because of you,
I would not be if it were not for you.
I could not bear it if you regretted me, Grandad.
I have done nothing to cause you shame.
Your blood runs through my veins.
Don't you realise your selfish, callous blood
runs through my veins?

But never mind.
I have others to care for me,others to love me.
How I wish you didn't have the power to hurt me.
You don't deserve it.
you don't deserve me.
I wish that I never end up like you, Grandad.
I hope that I will never do the things that you do.

Why can't I bring myself to hate you?
Hearing your voice still makes me cry.
I only wish I knew why.

So goodnight Grandad
From halfway across the world,
Goodnight.
I hope you keep me from your dreams
so you sleep sweetly tonight.

thoughts on sorrow

Ah, sweet you

You who can make me cry

you who can make me sad

For it is only you that I love

------------------------

"I am delighted

that my heart welcomes sorrow

for the sorrow

that the earth and the sky

can not behold

is contained in a heart

as small

as the eye of a needle"

Rumi

Cry, pray for South Africa.

Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the seeting sun makes the veld red with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much.

Alan Paton - Cry the Beloved Country

Can anything ever right the wrongs this country has experienced? History ensures we never forget, indeed it is forced down our throats so that we want to vomit it back up. Too much, too often. My generation in this country knows only too well the pains of the apartheid, but we are constantly reminded anyway. We are not allowed to forget.

If we cannot forget, why then surely we must forgive?

Forgiveness is impossible, the wrongs that have been done are much too horrific and must be paid for. But I will not pay for that which I have not done, and most white people who took a part in the horror that was apartheid seem to have been a victim of mass hysteria. No, I'm not making excuses, and no, I will never understand for I was not here, and I didn't go through it. Maybe I have no authority to speak on the matter.

With no chance of forgetting, or forgiving, I see no hope. I always say if laying the blames on anyone doesn't get you anywhere, then why must you insist on laying the blame on someone? Humans do some silly things, some more silly than others, we all know that. Why must we always keep our head over our shoulders, looking back? - we can't see the obstacles which lay directly ahead.

"First with the head, then with the heart"

Pray for South Africa, it is only halfway out of the hole which the white man ordered the black man to dig so long ago.

Resolutions that I fully intend to keep

Starlight, star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight

It's a new day, a new year. I wish I could promise myself that I will fulfill my resolutions. That they will not go unheeded like so many disregarded ones before. But I do not make promises I cannot keep. I will not.

My mind is a child, eager to learn, young, impressionable. Naive. I am a child still, in so many ways. That child has many things to learn.

Dear child

Do not waste your time on things and people that do not deserve your time.

Be firm of mind, do not let yourself be swayed. Do not be intimidated dear, for you are the sun. And the sun is not intimidated by mere stars, dearest. Didn't you know?

Do not fear that which you do not understand. Endeavor to understand only that which will enrich you. Do not look too hard for what you need child, it will come to you in time. Everything in time.

Understand child - there is always hope. Do not reprimand yourself for hoping too much, congratulate yourself. No matter how dark the night seems, there is always a candle to lead the way ahead, if only you look.

Be careful with your trust, and your love. Do not guard them too jealously though, joy is to be found in sharing.

Know that the greatest love you will ever receive will be firstly from yourself. Love yourself truly and deeply.

Your grandfather has told you not to forsake you parents, ever. Who are you to disobey the words of wisdom delivered with a tear in the eye that conceived him who conceived you?

You do not always know best. Accept that you can be wrong or be doomed to repeat the mistakes of those gone before you.

Believe in what you want. Believe. How can you wish to achieve that which you do not believe in?

Be happy with all that you have, my dear. Do not lust after that which you cannot have. Do not lose sight of that which is within your reach if you extend your arms. Tame your lustful heart, some things you cannot yet have.

It is a new year, child. A new year to do with what you will. You can go where you please, just take your heart and your mind. And keep them pure.

"Bear the pain of longing silently, my heart
For this is the cure." - Rumi

Happy No-ruz

"...Come fill the Cup, and in the Fire of Spring
The Winter Garment of Repentance fling:
The Bird of Time has but a little way
To fly - and Lo! the Bird is on the Wing..."

(From the Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám)
(translated by Fitzgerald)

***

A couple of days ago, it was the Persian New Year, or “No-Rouz”. Literally, that means ‘new day’. I didn’t know this, but apparently it occurs at the exact time of the Spring Equinox (when the length of the night and day are exactly equal). It’s an Ancient Persian tradition, all to do with cleansing yourself, and making yourself pure again, to tie in with the ‘rebirth of nature’.
The whole thing goes on for thirteen days though. Not that we really celebrate it that much, but there are certain parts of it we usually do, like jumping over the fire on Char-shambeh-sourie to 'purify' yourself.

“Zardie man az tou Khoobie tou az man”

That’s what you sing as you jump over the fire: (All my badness onto you, and all your goodness onto me)
We didn’t jump over the fire this year, or have a haft-seen, but we still celebrated the New Year.

I consulted Hafez for advice on the new year. As mystical as ever, this is what he told me:

Ghazal 294

Faithful in your love, my fame has spread, candle-like

At the home of the homeless, I make my bed, candle-like.

Day and night, from sorrows, sleep escapes from my eyes

Sick of being apart, my eyes are teary, red, candle-like.

Scissors of sorrows have cut my patience' string

Flame of your love burns upon my weary head, candle-like.

If my bloody tears fail to bring color to my cheeks

How else can my secret tales ever be said, candle-like?

Amidst water & fire, my head is busy with your thoughts

While my heart flooded with tears it needs to shed, candle-like.

In the night of separation, send butterfly of union

Else from your pain the world I'll burn & shred, candle-like.

Without your beautiful vision, my day is night

With the love I have bred, my flaws I dread, candle-like.

My patience is eroding, like a mountain from sorrows' rains

In the ocean of your love, path of fire I tread, candle-like.

Like dawn, I blow one breath to see your face

Show yourself O Beloved, else I'll be dead, candle-like.

Honor me one night with your union, my friend

Let your light, light up my house & spread, candle-like.

Fire of your love caught on Hafiz's head

When will my heart's fire, my tears wed, candle-like?

I’m glad Hafez has faith in me to understand that, because I don’t really have faith in myself.

However, I will comment that candles are supposed to be on the haft-seen traditionally, and their symbolism is goodness and warmth of life.

Happy New Year to the world, and may we see peace this year.

shooting the moon

oh foolish me
for thinking that you watching my heart break
would surely break yours

all in vain.
a broken heart and all in vain
oh foolish me

i have nothing to prove anymore
wish i did

I got photos of love

Loving you should be this easy.

But it's not and it's all your fault.
All your fault, not mine.

Getting you out of my system is like nothing I've ever done.

Let me love you
I could stay like this forever.

No questions asked?
I wish I trusted you when you cover my eyes.

Go on, dry your shoulder now.

It's over.

A love-letter of other sorts

Dear you


How can I explain to you so that you understand? You make the worst mistake because the ones that love you the most - you treat them the worst.


It's the story of my life;
those I love the most
I hate the most
it's so hard to understand.


I wonder if you know the tortured hours I spend
wishing you were otherwise?


How are you so different to me?


And I waste all my time on you.
You neither listen nor learn.


But it still kills me to see you suffer.
I must be crazy.

I hate myself for doing what I do
and for thinking you deserve it
even now
but I see no other way

And I hate the things I say to you,
the things that make you cry.
I don't think you know that I love you more than most things in this world.
despite it all.

The guilt is all-consuming
but still I wouldn't take back what I said
and I'll pour my heart out to this letter
because you'll never read a word.

It's no use pretending I don't care...
I forget too easily
every single time
and to you it's as good as forgiveness
Oh! Curse this soft heart of mine!
But if I don't pray for you, who will?

If you still care at all
Don't go tell me now

I want to promise you that I'll always love you so
and I almost can.
Because I never make promises I can't keep

I can help you
but only if you ask.
You may think I can,
but I can't force you to do anything.

It doesn't mean I can't try.

Are you wrong?
For doing all that you do...
not just to me.
Or am I wrong?
For not accepting you as you are.

I can't abide you, like
spelling errors on a typed page
Flaws so vivid.
And I can't leave it if I can fix it
or at least think I can

You're tearing me apart

I just want you to know
It wasn't my intention to make you cry
Or maybe it was
It's just...
For one second, more than ever
I wanted you to feel the pain that you put me through

...and you never stop doing it.

My wish for the while

God give me a man who deserves me,
a man who understands me

Give me a man who has depth of character
a man who thinks

Show me a man who truly appreciates me
who knows me and loves me for it
But don't let him know me too well, God
for I fear he would fear me,
as i fear myself
and fear for myself,
I do not want to fear for him.

Give me a man who is happy
but does not take anything for granted
a happy man who knows sadness

Give a man who does not restrict my freedom

Give me a man who is true
who has integrity, honesty
but knows when to lie

Give me a man who can show me
that the world can stop spinning without him there

Show me a man I can trust

Give me a man who is obvious
and yet mysterious

Give me a man with a beautiful soul
A man with an open mind
a curious man
A man who has ambition
and a lust for life

Give me a man I can give myself to without thinking twice
A man who I never have to doubt
A man strong enough to carry
my heart and the burden of my love

A man who I never feel alone with

Give me a man who my head loves as much as my heart
For I don't know which rules me
A man who will never harm my heart
Even if he makes me cry

Give me a man who makes me feel like I have nothing
If I don't have him
And who makes me cry every single time we say goodbye

A man who will alleviate my confusion
or at least acknowledge it
For what it's worth
and feed my hungry heart

A man who will stand by me
Be loyal to me, be faithful
in heart, body and mind
and who enchants me so
that I will be faithful to him too

A man I will always lust for
and who will always lust for me

Give me a man who makes me giddy
But holds me steady
even though he is giddy himself
so if we fall,
we fall together.
He must be strong,despite himself.

Give me a man who makes me wish
I could shout so loud
That the world could hear me
And I would shout that he is mine
Forever.
And I will be his.

A man who is not afraid to change
who is like me,
but not the same
for i wish to look into his eyes every day
and see hope and mystery
a mystery I can trust.

Show me a man like this God
and maybe I will learn what it is
to love a man.

Maybe this man can cure my inevitable loneliness

And God, make sure I glance his way.

The afamed grey louries!

Their highest nest.
You can't see them all that well through the leaves. There are about 4 nesting! I didn't want to get tooo close in case I scared them away! I will keep trying to get better photos though.
They are quite big, as big as the tip of your middle finger to your elbow maybe. Their call is pretty amazing, well all of the birds' in our gardens calls are!

This is the tree, close up. You can see why they nest here (protection). They also eat the leaves.
These are two of the nests they have made!

A nursery rhyme in A-minor

"It's raining, it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed, and bumped his
head
And couldn't get up in the
morning
Na na na boo boooo"

Oh it's been overcast all day, but I dived in the pool and it was so warm I couldn't believe it. I have this theory that the water's warmer if you don't touch it, just dive right in. Kinda like my theory on life, I guess.

Good things never last, though (nothing ever does so that's kind of an irrelevant thing to say), so after a good fifteen minutes or so we heard the thunder-claps in the distance.

So I got out, and went to shower.

Some grey parrot things are nesting in our thorn tree, much to the supreme delight of the whole family. My sister says they're African Grey Louries, or something like that - I'll have to check.

When I came out the shower it was pouring. No exaggerations. Or should I say it is pouring - I only came out the shower ten minutes ago.

My heart is aching for the birdies.

Another maybe to throw on the pile

"Watching the days burn out like a cigarette
Just a few drags to go..."

I don't wear a watch - I can't stand to watch my life tick away. Second. by second. by painstaking second.

The sun rose in the morning - now it's setting and nothing much happened in between. I'm always saying 'maybe tomorrow', but tomorrow comes and goes and nothing changes. Sometimes I get so neurotic, it feels like my life is slipping away like water in my fingers - and there's nothing I can do to hold on to it.

"So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home"

It's all very well saying 'maybe tomorrow', but today was a tomorrow, and tomorrow not going to be any different... or is it?

I hate being pessimistic.

Goodbye

You're gone.

And the wind whistles through the hole you left in my heart - a piece of it will always remain with you. Maybe I give my heart away too easily? - only pieces of it, you see.

"Pieces of me you've never seen"

It doesn't really matter who goes, the pain is always the same.
I don't know how much heart I have left to give to people like you who just take it and run. Why do they always go? (Nothing is forever, my child.)

"Broken-hearted and still unaware"

It seems that goodbye is the hardest word to swallow.

Fortune telling for the wise

Fal-e-Hafez

There's a Persian tradition that I adore, and I only wish I could read Farsi so I could do it with the proper Hafez book we have. But I can't, so for now the internet will have to do...to explain the tradition I will quote direct from the website:

"In the Persian tradition, whenever one faces a difficulty or a fork in the road, Or even if one has a general question in mind, one would hold that question in mind, and then ask the Oracle of Shiraz Hafiz for guidance.
More often than not,Hafiz, in his own enigmatic way would sing to the questioner and through the song, would get the questioner to look in the mirror of his/her soul.

Upon reflection in the mirror of Hafiz's Ghazal one would be inspired with an answer, a guidance or a direction.
Traditionally, the first line upon which the eyes of the reader fall, would give the answer to the direct question, and the rest of the Ghazal would give further clarification."

Try it for yourself if you so desire: http://www.hafizonlove.com/fal.htm

I did hold a question in my mind (to do with success socially and academically at university) and my answer was thus: It was surprisingly apt.

Ghazal 177

'Not every painted face has charm
Not every mirror maker, Alexander can disarm
Not everyone upon a throne who puts on a crown
Knows the ways of ruling over farm and town.
Like beggars serve not for the alms
Master keeps his servants in good form.
I submit to the will of the weal maker,
Alchemist beggar, lead into gold can transform.
Faith and loyalty are good, if you can learn
Else you must weather tyranny’s storm.
I was brokenhearted and still unaware;
For children of men, angel is the norm.
A point much finer than a strand of hair,
The unshaven hair is not a Dervish’s uniform.
All the world revolves around your mole
It takes a gem to know a gem, a worm, a worm.
Whoever charismatically becomes the king
Will rule the world if with fairness keep away harm.
The poetry of Hafiz can only inform
He whose heart and speech is kind and warm.'

What does it say to me? Well it is very much up to your own interpretation. I would be most interested to see how other people interpret this poem, and if other people find answers to their own questions in these poems!

To me though, it says:

Not every painted face has charm - just because a person looks nice, or is dressed well, or indeed, is pretty, does not mean they are a nice/good person. This is so true in uni - often the nicest made up people are the shallowest.

Not everyone upon a throne who puts on a crown/Knows the ways of ruling over farm and town. Material objects mean nothing, and there are posers in this world - but they are only that, posers. They will never be that which they pretend to be.

Faith and loyalty are good, if you can learn. I took this as: it's all very well to believe in God, or whatver but if you are not going to learn anything from it then you are wasting your time. The most important thing out of faith and learning is learning.

It takes a gem to know a gem - don't expect people who are not like you to appreciate you for what you are.

Whoever charismatically becomes the king/Will rule the world if with fairness keep away harm. - you must win people over with your personality, and you must be fair.

The poetry of Hafiz can only inform/He whose heart and speech is kind and warm - people whose 'heart and speech' is not 'kind and warm' will not take advice from these words, as they are unable to take advice/stubborn.

Those things you think but never end up saying

I've been wanting to post for a while, but I didn't want to make a half-hearted attempt, so I've kept putting it off till I'm a) not tired b) not busy c) not distracted and d) in the right frame of mind.

No worries, I'm there now. So brace yourself this might be a long one. I'll chapter it so you can skim read - (I'm not gonna pretend I don't do it...)

My dream (ref prev. post)

I did look it up in my dream book. I found nothing of significance...

Drugs - a dream influenced by a subconcious knowledge of the need

Feelings in dreams - may well be that these feelings are repressed

4 - stability, status quo, the four seasons, the four elements being an essential part of the world as we know it to be

An old Persian saying shared with me by my grandfather recently - (translated)

'If a fool throws a stone into a well, a hundred wise men can't get it out.
Why then should a wise man give a fool a stone to throw.'

What it means is:

* One small action can have dire consequences
* You, who understands, should not give ammo to those who are innocent of knowledge
* Certain actions cannot be undone, so it is best not to do them in the first place

He also said to me - everything is temporary, nothing really belongs to us. We live on this earth and while we live here we use certain things, borrowing them for the time that we live. We claim we own land, buildings, cars... land will be passed on to others, buildings demolished, cars do not last forever. Nothing does.

Musings on a childhood passed

Life is so simple for little kids - it's so easy to make them happy. Just make them laugh (yes, that's surprisingly easy too!), buy them something, distract them and they will forget their worries (for good) , employ their curiousity...

Why can't we fix our problems like that?

Lyrics that popped into my head this week for unknown reasons:

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special..

Once bitten, twice shy.
I keep my distance,
But you still catch my eye..."

'Last Christmas' - WHAM

Vday (without fanfare, hearts, exclamations)

I don't believe, or not believe in it. I'm not for it, I'm not against it. I officially don't have a standing on Vday.

I refused to spend the day mourning the fact that I am not in love, have never been in love and do not see love coming any time soon.

I also got locked out the house, went to a car showroom, went shopping...not in that specific order...hey, I'll be damned if I even saw a male on Vday! (probably all out with their girlfriends, yeh that makes sense)

'Fortune cookies always wrong' (yes, Aristocats)

I had a fortune cookie and it said something about opportunites being abound in all spheres of life. Sounds right. I dunno, i put it in my pocket so it wouldn't get lost, and it got lost (duh). Well it went in the wash or something. I dunno, and I'm loathe to go find it (for what?)

I think the fortune cookie was stale though (it was soft). But it tasted nice anyway, so go figure.

Wrapping up (this post, not myself)

I had another whole long 'chapter' here - but I knew no-one would last out that long so I have saved it for a rainy day (by the looks of the sky my next post)

So here's one of my fave poems (I only have about 100 or so)

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

JRR Tolkien, in case you didn't know.

Over and out fellow bloggers! Love to all, esp those who didn't get any on Vday (count me in)

I saw in my sleep

I dreamt last night.

It was really weird, 'cause usually dreams are an extension of my daily life, a mish-mosh of things I've heard/done/seen/talked about in the day.

Less often I get dreams about what I'm thinking about, but haven't talked about/heard about/wrote about during the day.

But never before have I had a dream quite like this one....

Before I go on, you must know this: I hate cigarettes. It hurts me when people i love smoke. I fought with my Dad for years till he finally gave up. I just can't understand how a person can care so little about living that they would do something that they know is killing them. Some, well most, of my friends smoke, and I hate it. I also have a very addictive personality, which is why I will never try a cigarette, 'cause I know that 99% I will be addicted.

So let me get to the point:

I go into some kind of supermarket and buy cigarettes. I don't know how many boxes but I didn't have an intention of smoking much so I would guess one or two boxes? So as the days go by now and again I slip out of the house for a sneaky smoke (all alone). But I don't actually feel guilty, which is unusual. And all the time I'm smoking I'm thinking of the tar sinking down into my lugs, and it's BLACK, sticky. I'm thinking, "God that's 3 minutes off my life" but then I reassure myself- I'm not gonna have many, only one every couple of days. Then I think 'But that's what all the nicotine addicts say'.

All this time I'm smoking and thinking, I'm just doing it for the sake of it. It feels good, but not enjoyable. And I know I'm not addicted. It's just this warm relaxing feeling when I suck on the cigarette, but it's more to do with the fact that I'm outside, alone, thinking and less to do with the cigarette itself.

So this dream takes place over, say, a week. So near the end of the week my brother comes into my room and sees two boxes of cigarettes on the side. I hadn't even bothered to hide them. Weird and totally unlikely. At this point in the dream i knew I had a total of 4 boxes of cigarettes. I don't know how i knew that, oo why the number 4 is significant though. So my brother takes the boxes and runs around the house, threatening to tell my dad. I chase him, knowing he's only threatening to irritate me yet scared that he might tell. I'm more irritated at him than scared at getting found out though, which is also strange. So we run around and my dad shouts at us for running around and shouting. Then my dad says to my bro- 'whatever you have of hers give it back. now' Then my brother says...'but dad, it's cigarettes!' now the weirdest thing of all- my dad says 'i don't care, she can smoke one every now and again if she wants' I am shocked (in my dream)

Like I said, weird. I wonder what it means?

I can escape everything but my thoughts.

I'm sittin here tyring to sort out my notes and papers from the past week's lectures, trying to ignore the ever-increasing pain in my back and trying not to let my mind wander.

I read a blog the other day about wanting to blog about things but then forgetting... and that is so typical of me. My memory is like a sieve. But I love sitting here next to my open window listening to the last fat raindrops 'plop' on the grass. And the fan's whirring because I'm scared I'll get hot while I sleep, and I am loathe to rise from my bed in the middle of the night to switch the switch. So I can feel two breezes, one on the back of my neck... hitting my exposed back in waves; and the other fresher, colder one hitting the left of my body from the dark expanse beyond my open window.

I don't feel like working. Least of all the accounting that I have to do. But then again I never feel like accounting. Still, I really don't think I'll do it tonight. I just can't see it happening, or I wouldn't be typing away happily right now. There's a Farsi word for what I'm feeling right now- 'bikhial'. His English counterparts can't quite catch the nonchalance of him. It means... who cares? but much more subtly, almost like 'never mind' or 'forget about it'. Something along those lines.

My thoughts are in the Middle East. Why must innocent people die? I wonder how the number of people the so-called 'terrorists' have killed compares to the number of innocent Iraqi people - children, women, men - killed by the Amercian/etc troops. It lays heavy on my heart. How many more people have to die before the world sees some sense. And why is religion- in it's very essence created to unify and pacify the people of the world- the driving force behind so many unwarranted deaths. Who will pay? I don't want to.

I can't belive that the world is so big, cruel, unfair, ruthless... because sititng here tonight I am peaceful - save my thoughts. I can't escape my tormented thoughts, and I feel guilty because innocent people die at the hands of other humans, and because I'm a human, and because there's nothing, nothing I can do.

I don't know what life is. And I don't believe in an afterlife. But I know that people will suffer for the wrong they have done, That's the way the world works. I believe that, or at least I dearly want to.

I hope the sun comes out tommorow. It's not fair for it to rain while my lil cousin is over from the UK looking for some sun. I like that phrase: "it's not fair". Because nothing ever is, is it? It's amazing the number of times you will hear that phrase come out of childrens' mouths. But never out of adults. It's also amazing how often that phrase rolls through my mind. I wonder how often other people think that. I wish I could read people's minds.

Yeah, I wonder if other people think these thoughts. Or how many people think them, or how often... I wish I knew. But I wish too many things. And I'm the Queen of maybe's.

I met another girl at uni who thought I was in my 2nd/3rd yr. She said I came across as 'knowledgeable'. She had been speaking to me for less than 3 minutes. This is getting weird and I don't know if I believe in coincidence...Maybe I am different. Ya see? - there I go starting with the maybes again! But I can't help doubting. And I can't stop the endless questions running through my mind. I swear I'm like a toddler: the quintessential "why?" forever upon my lips.

I see the name of this blog is not in vain. I am rambling, but that's okay because no solid person will listen, so I will pour the overflows of my confused mind into this blog, for I cannot keep it all inside and my mind is forever working overtime.

I guess carrying on with my work will be in vain now. I have successfully lured my mind away from the confines of university and into the dark abyss of the world in which we live- there is no saving me tonight. I'll surf some blogs until my back aches so much I am forced to retreat to bed, head down, tail between my legs. Oh I'm a glutton for punishment.