Saturday, July 28, 2007

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Follow your heart?

I didn't think that anything could ever shake my happiness. But here I am, shaken. I overestimated my strength but I'm determined not to let myself slip one level more, because I know that from there - there is hardly a chance of return.

I'm tired of crying, I never knew I had so many tears to cry. I'm sick of feeling pathetic, confused, lost and second best. From here on in, I vow to take this for what it is, for if you can't change it by force you can only wait for other external factors to take their toll. Yes it feels like I'm surrrendering my locus of control, but when either choice of two will cause you so much theoretical pain, who is to judge which is the right one?

I've followed my heart again but I trust it to lead me true and not break me. I thought I was broken, I feel broken but I will not let myself be.

I intend to let myself be happy.
If you could turn back time, how far would you turn it and do you honestly think that you could prevent the hurt that you feel now..?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Dearest you

I can't look at you
I want to sort this out
but I don't know how

I saw her today
the girl who has your heart
and Im disgusted

how could you understand?
the hate i feel for her
and she isn't even worth my hate

pick me a worthy enemy
because if she is better than me,
i am nothing

"oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me..
But I'm nothing so good no I'm nothing..."

i can't look at you
there's one thing in my mind
one thing
and i want to still love you
but now i know what you mean about not knowing cause i dont

to love you
i need to look in your eyes

can you hug me?
all i needed was you to hold my hand
but you wouldn't touch me
not in front of her

and i'm sorry
that i couldn't keep my tears
or stop my body rocking
but not many people deserve my tears
do you?

i still want you to be happy
but i don't make you hapy anymore
so where do we go?

i always swore that you can't love someone
that doesn't love you back
now here i am again
don't i deserve to be loved?

I know you can't force it

Hearing you say you try is killing me
So did her name
I can't believe she has the love that I don't
There must be something she has that I don't

How can you love that?
How can you love that!

Now do I stay or do I go
I said I will not leave you
Two roads diverged and
both were as difficult as the other
I've fallen at the crossroads
and I can't get up

You know I never loved a man before
Then you came and I thought
that it was different
Now I'm left second best
See! See how it eats me
It consumes every paragraph
It consumes my head
This is making me physically ill

If only she were prettier,
Had something amazing about her
But you shared something with her
So what makes me special?
And I say you'd have her if you could
But you say you'd have me still.
Why not choose the one you love?

Second best.

I am disappointed in my heart
And I feel the biggest fool
now you're empty
And I can't fill you
"i am too weak to be your cure"
for now

You tell me it'll be okay
That you'll learn to love me
Learn to love me?
I feel not good enough.

All those promises.

We will find happiness but my heart is breaking
And I don't know what to do
but there are two choices.
We do or we don't
We stay or we go

If I put my trust in you and you can never love me then what?
I wonder if I could survive.
The one thing I want from you
Is the one thing you can't give me
And I can't help think that it was all a lie
And you never did love me
Because 'you don't just stop loving someone'
But you have?

Take my tears please,
I don't want them anymore
I don't know why you want to be with me

I just don't know anything.

Shall we take it slow?
I don't want to pretend
When I can't even look at you
Can hardly touch you
Can we be more than friends

You've broken my heart and I can't have broken yours
because you don't care enough

I feel bad for making you choose
but I can't bear the thought of you being around her
I can't bear the thought of you lying
One week, more, you still hadn't told me
And in some twisted way I'm to blame
for you speaking to her again in the first place
Why didn't you believe me when I said I loved you
I don't say it lightly
Why didn't you trust me when I said I wouldnt hurt you

More than anything I need you to know
that I'm not those other girls
I will not do the things they did
I have my own flaws and I want you to love...
Appreciate. Me for me.

"And I'm nothing more..than a line in your book"
I want to mean more to you
I want to be the one and only
I want you to choose me

"It's only you,
Or I don't want anyone,
If I can choose...
It's only you.."

And I want your heart to agree
But I don't have you
Tell me how I can give myself to you when you don't want me?

Looking at myself through a strangers eyes
I see myself a fool
A fool, a fool, one thousand times a fool
I hate myself because you can't love me.

What do I do?
Waiting is temporary or is it forever
Waiting is only waiting if it amounts to something
I will not wait for Godot
Although the tree branch looks tempting and I'm sure I have a belt

Silly me, listen to me
Noones died
My heart feels dead but it's only temporary

It's the hormones talking

Breathe. breathe.
I'm trying but my breath is catching
And I was one of those babies
whose bodies would shake for hours with the after effects of her crying
I don't seem to have grown up much.

You asked me what I want
And said you wanted to try be with me
That word eats me

I told you before that I want to see you happy
With or without me

So tell me do I make you happy?
Even now?
Today you saw me and her
Did you decide?
I needed you to see us side by side
and still love me after
At least care for me
More than her

I want to be with you
I want you to love me
I want a lot of things,
But you can only do what you can do
I resent you anyway

Even though she is no competition for me
But I can see your bodies intertwined in my head
And my stomach can't take it
I feel a lump in my throat as I write this
But I'm forcing it down

I want her gone
I have to be your first
And if I'm not then I can't be your anything.
I want to love you,
But I can't let myself love someone who won't love me
So what do I do?

How far would you go for me?
Am I worth it.
I said I would not leave you and I won't
Even though I'm setting myself up for heartache
that you cannot save me from

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I love you because you dont love me
Cause you brought my earth crashing down
around my ears
and now i cant hear
you say you love me
even if you did

i want you because you want her
because she's everything that i am not

and everytime you talk to her
my heart burns
i can't stay still

i deserve this because i wanted the best for you
even if it meant sacrificing myself
so i did

the one person i thought loved me the most
so why do i stay

you can't love someone that doesn't love you back
but you're trying
you can't force love
but you're trying
and i'm waiting for forced love
from you

because i don't want anybody else
"Do you still love her?"

"You don't just stop loving someone"