Friday, October 26, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I always thought my mother weak,
for forgiving too easily,
for forgetting too quickly.

But maybe what I see in her,
is not weakness,
But something I need to learn.

I forgive easily,
most times,
I forget easier.

But even the ones we do not love,
Love them and forgive,
To release your own soul
For why should we carry the burdens of others?

With every understanding, comes a challenge, to ensure we really did understand past the theory. And the challenge is the hardest, for if it were not, it would not be the challenge.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Brave, or selfish.

"Look closely at your actions; Are they brave, or just selfish?"

Where does this anger come from? I do not welcome it to stay.

I am not a selfish being, so where has this selfishness come from, and will I let it stay?

I am starting to understand that only I have the answers I seek, but this leaves me feeling so alone. And being alone has always been my greatest fear. But the aloneness, the loneliness, they are there all the same.

I will not be a coward, is letting go in the physical sense selfish, but letting go in the emotional sense exactly what I need?

Detachment was always the hardest thing to grasp for me.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I am grateful for Nature
Today I focus on being a completely loving, caring individual who emanates Love
I am strong
I want to love you but I better not touch
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison...
Alice Cooper - Poison
"I should have turned back
I should have known better
Than to walk away defeated
I'll say it tonight,
I'll say it forever
And this time I really swear I mean it"
ava - good day
I can't sleep
Because there's alcohol in my veins
I can't breathe
Until I see your face
Please don't think
You are my everything
I'm just fine without you.
You can see it in my eyes.
Attention is easy to get
And I don't want your love
I know you aren't the one for me

So what do I do?
This never was forever
We're not finished yet
And you feel it too

Wake me up
When I can't sleep without you
Make me strong
You're the only thing
That makes me weak

I'm not waiting.
Or am I?

You know I don't want to
But I do anyway
Tell me,
What does it all mean?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I feel like I have betrayed myself, I wish that I was someone else, someone better.
The slightest sympathy is a trigger to my tears, that lurk behind my eyelids for their prison break. and for each I let free, it takes a part of me.
My tear-swollen eyes won't open
"I have a ringing in my head
And no one to help me answer it
Even with you close enough to kiss.

Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it can't help me let go, I know."


So I'm not thinking, distractions are sparse when you permeate my brain-links.
But we both knew it wasn't over.
These words haunt me, shuffle taunts me

"You have me still because I'm breathing,
Although it has slowed down.
Please don't cry because I'm leaving.
I hope I see you soon.

Exchange the sunshine for brown eyes and dark skies,
Replace this dull life with you.
I Know it's tomorrow,
She's waiting for something to feel alive.

You know me too well,
She's sorry and I can tell.
Scene missing, fade to black.
You're acting all this out again"


"The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass
Time to let go of all we know and break our hearts in stride.

I need you now more like yesterday
The last day I could see you smile.
For the last time turn out the lights
My life on standby.

So standby and watch
This fall away and fall apart.
Just say that it's over,
It's over and she's gone.
(She's gone)

Don't worry he said,
And she's not coming home.
(She's not coming home)
It's over and she's gone.

The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass.
I fall to pieces, I can't let go
Of all the times I never said goodbye."

Hawthorne Heights
your pain proves you care
your pain proves you care
so keep that pain there
keep it there
This morning I wrote:

i am not one to chase closure
and if it feels good, it is good.


when you're too scared to say you love me
is when it means the most

i hold back for you not for myself

i never thought i would have cause to be sorry
but oh i do


love is hard to kill

but i didn't promise you forever

Tonight I took my love away

Monday, October 08, 2007

Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
Jimmy Eat World - Polaris
The first step is the hardest
"It's easy to find a way to die, you have to find a way to live"

Friday, October 05, 2007

I drove home in the pouring rain. Always gets my mind working overtime. I call it cosy weather,just makes me want to snuggle. It took me forever to get home, not least of all because half of the traffic lights were out, and I maintain that people can't drive in the rain. But beyond the broken-light-traffic, the roads were pretty empty. It was sunny when I left this morning, but as soon as a grey cloud's spotted, people stay at home. It's awfully strange.

It's easy to assume things you would like to think, and thus important in my opinion to stop and ask a neutral person whether or not you're being rational at times. So I do. However I do suspect that oftentimes people give me the answer they know I seek. Who will ever know? You can only ask the question, never guarantee that you get the truth for an answer. I've heard that the way to avoid fatal assumption-making is to ask the truth, but I don't think that it'salways as easy as that, and not because I'm scared, but because people hide the truth, even from themselves sometimes. Well, above and beyond everything else, we can only try do our best.

I have a headache, I never have headaches. Tonight I seem to be on a lot of peoples' minds. I wonder what is causing both phenomenoms. I can't help but believe what I feel with ultimate conviction. I'm happpy, I have managed to escape the prison-cell of my mind, my feetare now on the floor again. It feels good to be grounded, it feels good to be washed clean. It feels good to feel safe again, to feel secure, to feel unshakeable, rooted like the trees I admire so.

Tied to the testing of wills, where my heart breaks and spills
Left to the sight of the sky, in your arms I'm defined
Thrown to the wolves in the minds of your enemies,
in the minds of your enemies
And I'm stone in the eyes of your foolishness

funeral for a friend - juneau