I wish I had kept a record - of all the ways that studying law has defined me, of how it has shaped the way I see the world, on my evolving views on justice, on nuggets of truth I discovered unexpectedly along the way.
I will never remember anything now - my memory has been moulded to suit my specific occupation's needs - to store copius amounts of meaningless information in my short term memory for retrieval upon panicked demand. No, I will never remember, but I will never again be the same person. The study of the law has defined me.
I do not feel calmer. Though I am not more attuned to justice than I was before, I am more aware of how to create a just result by manipulation of technicalities. For there is no greater underlying sense of justice which permeates any legal system - I was misguided to seek it. All our labour has merely brought us one step closer to having the power and knowledge to use means and resources available to us, as lawyers, to achieve whichever result our client paid us to achieve. A purely capitalistic endeavour. I feel as though I am losing a greater sense of what is right - although no system created by man could ever capture the elusive virtue of justice.
There are few truly altruistic people - few people who take any pleasure in the happiness of others, unless such happiness is intrinsically linked to their own. Just look at the way man treats animal - as if their cries of pain were soundless, or meaningless.
I have encountered the efforts of those who seek to protect animals. I feel these are noble, and yet largely futile. A species which cannot extend its care to its own clearly lacks the inherent capability to extend its care further. Animal protectors often claim cruelty to animals is a root of cruelty to humans - I fear that they have mistaken symptoms for causes. Cruelty which lurks within a human will find any and multiple ways to manifest itself.
And man is evil.
This is no revelation, in fact it is the rationale behind every attempt man has ever made at religion. For I still believe that most religions were created by noble men - nobler at least by comparison to those they would have follow them.
Religions have demanded refining as man has become more knowledgeable of his surroundings, and as civilisation has evolved to provide more opportunities for evil, man has extended his reach to all of them.
There are many, many things which I, and the rest of the common world, are not privy to in the man-made world, and none of them are forged by love.
There is no divine guidance. If there were there would not be so much evil in the world. The sooner people accept religion for what it is - an attempt to curb the evil of mankind - the sooner we can move towards an understanding that death and suffering, for any reason, or in any name, is still a natural sin. No religion that provides an outlet for any form of violence deserves the status of divine rules. And I have yet to encounter a religion which does not.
It matters not what version of greater good we adhere to - whether we name this good "God" or "Nature" or "Science", or any other conceivable name... We need to remove the objects which distance us as humans from this notion, whether these objects are religion, ignorance, or simple stubborness. Somewhere in human consciousness there must be a greater capacity for love, care trust... and justice.
Under heaven, all can see beauty only because there is ugliness" Lao Tsu
If I can learn, from this ugliness, to be more beautiful....
"It's [the] yang part of us that sees the world and ourselves in terms of how things should be different, how we need to change things to make them more the way we think they ought to be... It is our yin self that holds our more compassionate, accepting mother energy." Biff Mithoefer
Does this teach us to accept anything befallen by us, that any injustice, any untruth, any disservice should be overlooked and forgiven, without so much as a plea for forgiveness, or an apology? A repeated injustice? I seem to require that these injustices be recognised and not overlooked, for me to begin forgiving them. I can accept, possibly forgive, but to be able to do so I want my suffering to be recognised, I want my sacrifice to be understood and acknowledged. \
Is it wrong to want my pain recognised, my suffering seen, my sacrifice noted? Is it wrong to expect an apology? It is certainly not selfless. But it does not make me a worse person than those I must forgive, and yet they are seen in no worse light. I struggle, to find the meaning in this, I struggle to find the right path and what I should do.
If I were to stop thinking about what I should do, and just "let it be", then what would happen? I don't know, but it is so hard to forge something you do not desire. It is so hard to forgive a liar. It is so hard to forget hurt. This is so hard.
I have yet to discover what fuels the fire you hate me with, but I feel its flames. Closer they creep, faintly promising warmth, forked tongues of deceit. It is not long till you are dancing around my fiery grave, and a little part of the world weeps for a soul only they knew was innocent.