Thursday, November 29, 2007

I am so scared;
I am always disappointed
Do I expect too much?

I am confused;
Do I think too much
I am hurt;
Do I feel too much?

I don't know what I want,
Or I say that because I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.

I've been here before.
I just want a break.

I've been wondering, what's the point of wishing for what you already have?

You're ignoring anything I say which might take this deeper
And I am sick of living on the surface
So if you can't take me there,
I'll have to find someone else
You don't care to hear me sad;
I can't remember ever ignoring a cry of help from you
But now mine are going unheard.

It just annoys me that you laugh and smile
With me when I'm not joining in.
Please don't tell me you're just like the others
And I've been disappointed again.

So it's pretend or cut off,
We both know which one I can't.
So don't you dare complain
When this time,
It's you who's to blame..

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Sometimes I know that what I say is going to damage who I say it to
But I say it anyway

Sometimes I avoid talking to someone
Just because I don't know what to say
Or I do but I don't want to say it

Sometimes I can see someones heart breaking
But I don't try help

Sometimes I know exactly what pain I'm causing someone
But I just can't stop

Sometimes I hurt the ones I love more than anyone else
And it hurts me too

Sometimes I look at the things I've done and I'm ashamed
Sometimes I don't learn my lesson

Sometimes I lie to save my own skin

Sometimes instead of fixing something,
I sit and write about it
So I can forget
But the people I've hurt don't enjoy the same relief

Sometimes I love a person so much
That all I can do is to distance myself

Sometimes I can't remember
Sometimes I just can't forget

Sometimes I blame myself for other peoples mistakes
Sometimes I blame others for mine,
And that is far worse

Sometimes I hate people
For doing to me what I have done to others

Sometimes I cause people pain because I love them too much

Sometimes I hear people cry
And pretend I don't

Sometimes I can't stand to be inside my own head
Sometimes I can't get back in there

Sometimes I can't say what I mean
I am so scared

Sometimes I look at someone in the eyes
And tell them I hate them

Sometimes I break down in tears
When they aren't looking
And sometimes I think it serves me right

Sometimes I have no patience

Sometimes I sit and I wonder why I do what I do

Sometimes I am a hypocrite
And that is what I hate most

Sometimes I'm perfect
Most times, I'm not.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

The future scares me sometimes

"Your face, my thane, is as a book where
Men may read strange matters."

William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Amazing how much you can tell about a person, just by looking at them.
And how some people are completely blocked off, and won't let you see.

My eyes are all brown today.

It's overcast and possibly it makes me feel sad, scared, uneasy.

"We're only just as happy,
As everyone else seems to think we are"

Jimmy Eat World

Two can play pretend, oh, everyone can play pretend. Although it's unlike me and it can be difficult. Why are people surprised that I forgive, that I don't react, that I let it be. I'm looking out for myself too most times, anger doesn't benefit me.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Thoughts on loneliness

So many times you have turned around
and told me I haven't been there for you, that I don't care,
I'm always the talker never the listener

And I,
Reluctant to push too hard and drive you away,
Am gentle
Thinking, that you, like the others
Will come when you're ready
Knowing that I'm here
Thinking that not many people have my unwaivering support
And you are one who has it most
But you never take it
You never turn to me
Though I have turned to you many times
And only you
When noone else could understand or care to listen
I am so grateful
I am so hurt that I cannot be the same for you

I do care

I want to help, I want to make it perfect
I care about you more than many others who you assume I put first
Just let me,
Do you want to be pushed?
I don't know
Do you want me to pursue,
You always back away
And I am not a forceful creature
Or maybe you perceive me to be
And wonder why I do not force you
It isn't from lack of love I can promise you

I am forever feeling guilty
For your perception of me
So I want you to know, I am here for you

Whenever you need me
Just let me know.
Here I am again
Back to the start
Wanting love. but not wanting
Yes I can forget, one of my talents
So I've forgotten, I've moved forward,
But the line I walk on seems to have been a circle
And I'm back in square one

The last place I was completely happy?
Maybe, the last place I had no doubt at all
And thought life could not possible be anymore perfect

Again I do not miss what I don't have
I don't wake with the feeling of being alone
Again the ounce of fear to keep me sane
Let not my fears consume me

I am my own again
And need only myself
I have detached
It's all I can do

So here I am
Wide-eyed and waiting, but not waiting for anyone
I can wait forever
I am happy to
Nothing jolts my heart anymore
And I will protect it like I vowed to and failed
But not forever


"If you wish it, wish it now
If you wish it, wish it loud
If you want it, say it now
If you want it, say it loud

We all make mistakes
Here's your lifeline
If you want to, I want to.."

ava - lifeline
"I wish I was like you
I mean, you always seem so strong
No matter how much you get hurt"
The words people say to us.
'Hold me in the fire;
And although I die,
I know
For whom and why'

Friday, November 16, 2007

Read me

Read me

Read me...


Do you feel alive

Are you happy inside

Hear me,

Hear me please

Know me,

Do you know yourself

Do you love what you feel

Do you care

Have me

Or don't

I'm yours, I'm my own

I'm anyones


Do you know what you're doing

Are you giving everything up

And for what

Are you going to regret this in the morning

If you wake up

Are you going to miss out if you don't

Open your eyes.


"When all that we need is just a reaction. It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore. If chasing our dreams is just a distraction..I want to remember, when I know that I can't go back"
TBS New American Classic

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


He sat they sat in silence
Of love eaten by demons
He looked he stared
A faerie king
But could not meet her
Her eyes
could not disguise
What it was she was feeling
But not even she knew

He bit his words
It was not his turn
To speak
She forbade him to love her

She held his hand in her dreams
He saw her in his sleep
Like a fly in a web
They were entwined
until death
That might or might not take them

They wanted what they could not say
She wished all her fears away

He held onto her so hard in his head
Offering up himself instead
The sacrifice that had to be made
She was a bottle away from her pain

She wondered if it would always be this way
And could not look at him the same
He fiddled with his phone
And felt innappropriately alone
She was right beside him as ever
Something changed

He was chained to another
A palace of choice
She didn't want him anymore

She listened but could not hear
His sigh that broke the world

She was somewhere
Over the rainbow
And he did not know
A scorpion he rode her
And promised not to sting
Because scorpions can't swim
But she could
And she trusted him

He hugged her goodbye
And would not squeeze too tight
To empty the breath of her small lungs
That did not breathe for him

They were done.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Eternal Love turns incessantly
around my humbled heart
and, smiling,
I will rise from the ground
like a tree
because the water of life
turns incessantly
around me.
two can play pretend
come, drag me to your bed
drunk and i am used
tomorrow i'll be bruised
hello hello she screamed
into the empty void
just you and her
how far how far
can you stop your demons tonight
can you win this fight
i know it fucking hurts
but please make this right
she surrendered
with or without
she was nothing
nothing at all
and the words she says
aren't taken in anyway
gag me go on
abuse me, do it right
gag me go on
cause i'm lost and alone
and your sins on mine
won't make a difference
it won't make a fucking difference
Look for me, when I'm not there. You want me by your side? It's not difficult to win my love, you have it already. Just show me you care.

Friday, November 09, 2007


"I thought ten thousand swords must have leaped from their scabbards to avenge even a look that threatened her with insult. But the age of chivalry is gone. "
Edmund Burke

ten thousand times you stabbed my heart
ten thousand stabs to tear me apart
ten thousand times i came back for more
ten thousand times and i'm still not sure

ten thousand times
and ten thousand whys
ten thousand times i've died inside
to come back to life for you

ten thousand times you've drowned me
to drag me lifeless to the shore
ten thousand times awoken me
and left me at my door
ten thousand times i've crawled to bed
on my battered hands and knees
and ten thousand times i've cried myself to sleep

ten thousand times
ten thousand times
ten thousand times
this ends tonight
"One day you'll get sick of
saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
..Just like I am tonight"
Paramore - Never let this go

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

bring me my poison
i take this to heart tonight
read me my last lines
i won't put up a fight
convert me now i don't care how
because i can't die alone
no i can't die alone

you think that you read me
but you only see my eyes
this face that i live behind
is my perfect disguise
you will never know
what i don't know myself
i'll sleep i won't do anything
i'll put you on my shelf
and take you in the morning
and start all over again
i thought you were my lover
but are you even my friend
and knowing that you read this
sends chills down my spine
i don't want you to know me
your pain it is not mine

i do not want to hurt you
but this knife contorts my hands
i do not want to control you
but i do not understand
will i ever understand

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

What farfetched chance could pull two hearts together that chance has placed so far apart?
If life is just a hologram, let's make it the best hologram we possibly can.
Because if this is a dream, I don't want to wake up
I can control it somehow
It shakes me, it shakes me
Till I feel I can't stand
But I never fall down
It is perfect and I believe it to be.

Monday, November 05, 2007

I get it. Suddenly, I get it. I get why people do drugs.

I just want to take something that will make me forget, clean forget. So I can control my thoughts and my feelings. I want to own my brain, not be slave to it. And the same goes for my heart.

Someone help me forget.

Remembering is such a curse, I know why my memory is so bad, I've developed it to protect myself.

I wish I was a daydreamer, when my world gets too much to handle.