Sunday, June 24, 2007


I don't quite know what I feel anymore, but I have this feeling.. that at this moment coldplay can capture at least some of it. So here goes:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

"Swallowed In The Sea"

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

"The Hardest Part"

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud

Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out


Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can

I'm diving off the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can


Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me


So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk

"What If?"

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong


Better than any words I could muster right now.

These lines have always haunted me:

"What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life?"

Well, what if?

Friday, June 22, 2007


Well it has been said, that when times get tough, all you have to do is breathe. And it will get you through.

I'm breathing, and it still hurts.

When you feel pain, or stress, or sorrow, or fear... just remember to breathe. So long as you breathe through it you will get through it.

"Remember to breathe...and everything, will be okay" *

That was my favourite song years before I was introduced to the art of breathing in yoga. That's got to mean something, right?

I always notice that when I'm avoiding an accident while driving, when I have to brake really suddenly - when I've finally stopped the car and successfully avoided the accident, I stop holding my breath. And I think, gosh, I've been holding my breath. In times of great stress thats what we do..

So I'm breathing, and I'm breathing. And I'm calming myself down. It will be okay. It always becomes okay at some point. I just have to wait, right? So I'm ignoring this pain in my heart, I'm waiting, I'm breathing. Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.


* Dashboard Confessional - Remember to breathe

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

work in progress

feels like eternities between the times he speaks
and she's bruised her funnybone
she wishes he shared her love for Grease
She forgot to take her bra off

she considers giving up
he just can't hear her
but he's waiting for a reaction
as he fingers his guitar

she misses him
In the minutes between
But the world might still be stable an hour after
She's shaking in her sleep

And he has these glasses
Which are silver rimmed
Like the clouds since she met him

He said she had to be his
She quaked in her shoes
One week later she realised
She had nothing to lose
She was his all along

Now they fight for a flower
Which dies in the rain
He knows every time he touches her
He causes her pain
But he can't give her up

She thinks he loves her all the same
And he does
She can't even pretend she doesn't

Now the flood gates that have opened
Might knock him down
But he's a good swimmer
She knows he won't drown

Not on her watch

And tonight is her watch
And ever night after
He gets a bit angry
And reminds her of her father

She giggles
He makes her laugh
He watches her
As she takes her bath
Every night

And she's dripping

Monday, June 18, 2007

I feel so alone tonight
I wish that people had the time for me that I make for them. I realise now why people are so grateful to just have me listen. So few people have that ability. And there is nothing worse than feeling as though you are a burden on someone elses ears. It's just, sometimes, I feel so alone, and I know, well I hope, that I would be there for any friend of mine that feels as I do in those times. But who is here for me? Who has the time? I don't know.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Friday, June 15, 2007

How dark is the night with not even one star?
Give me just one chance tonight,
I can't take anymore.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Do you care
To hear me spill my guts?
Does it bother you
To watch me rot?
If the flies eat my body
Will you cry on the inside?
If they find my empty hearse
Will you take the free ride?
If all these questions find answers
Bring them to my grave
Write them on a piece of paper
Dig a hole with a spade
And bury them better
Than they buried me
Cause if I have the answers
My soul might be freed
Feel my chest contract, for you
And my heart attack, beats through
Tears sting my cheeks drawn out by you
I know that tonight, you'll cry for me too
yes you shall realise
as my whispers rape your ears
this pain i cause you
is a product of my fears
i never stopped loving you
while my mind had stopped to roam
now your heart has exiled my chest
and screamed it isn't home
Not anymore
I want you back

Monday, June 11, 2007

Possibilities of a short story

And Oh! He loved her like the world might end and he would still love her without it. 
He loved her like his life was nothing but.
He loved her like a man loves a woman
Like a mother loves her child

But oh! She didn't love him.
And it was the bane of his existence, 
The sorrow in his tea.
He couldn't be without her
Only one he could love, it was she
Yes boy, you hear me, even you have loved such, 
With none in return
You can feel how his heart bleeds?
And he is suffocating within his own blood,
slipped on the puddle from his tears
No, he cannot stop crying
And what set her apart? She was a princess in his eyes
To be worshipped, to be loved. He would love her, 
Give her anything
Oh the dangers of letting a woman into your heart
Oh the dangers of handing out your trust like party packets
'Here, take it, it comes with the cake'
And your trust you give with your friendship?
- No, you say you don't. Your trust is hard to come by, only those who deserve it will receive
Does she deserve it? When all she ever does is rip you apart
When she unbuttons you, when she undresses you, when she leaves you naked 
To stare and sympathise, but never love what she sees.
Not how you would have her love it.
Oh she loves you, yes she cares for you. Fool! It isn't enough and you let your heart
wait for her! She will never come around, she will never see you in that light when
she refuses to move. She cannot, don't blame her.
Listen to me. Listen hard. This isn't you, defined by her. This shell of a man, 
it isn't right, it's empty for pouring out it's contents to some undeserving host.
Oh you say she deserves to have your heart. Noone deserves a heart they would not keep.
Noone deserves tears they would have you not weep. This is over. 
"Sweetheart, are you okay? You seem so in your head."
"I'm fine" He forced a smile, he would fake it instead. Not moving on, not letting go, still
waters stagnate and she would watch him rot because she didn't have the heart to 
break him down. And he didn't have the heart to move on, his heart was hers, she did not know
she kept it.
She took his hand and led him along the passage, not knowing that her touch melted him. Or maybe she did
know, if she should stop to think. She never did. He swallowed his thoughts, and made sure his
smile was intact. He would not let her see him weak. Not in person.
Two hearts moved down the passage, and one body owned both. 
How could he ever forget her if she was here in his life? How could he ever not desire her if he 
did not want to let go? 

There's only one way to heal a heart.
You have to want to forget.
Forgiving her was easy, but her smile haunted his dreams. Every thought was her, 
every dream was her face, her voice replayed in his head, and in his existence.
Did she know that her half-love was killing him?- Who are we to judge the intentions
of a girl who is loved.- But if she did could she change it? Oh she must be strong, 
but she is young, only a girl. Who has the strength to hurt those they care for 
to afford them a longer termed relief? We must assume, not her. Maybe one day.
Oh it hurt to let his love waste. But it hurt more to let her go. And he vowed he would 
keep the little of her he could.
Son, how much of yourself is there left to dissolve? One day there will be nothing.
"Pete love, I'm starting to worry about you. You really aren't all here today!" 
"I'm just thinking how beautiful you look today"
She giggled, and they carried on walking. He battled to keep his internal anguish from his brows.
Must be something in the air today, she never usually noticed. He watched her smile,
assured her everything was alright. She told him about the men in her life: he was not a man, 
he was her dear friend, she constantly reminded him of this. He held his love for her
by it's neck, for this moment it could not breathe, and he advised her on her worries. But this
stubborn love would not die, he knew this already, and soon it escaped his grip and he could not
talk any longer. His tears rose from the pit of his stomach to his chest, he pushed them down. 
And stole a glance, she had not noticed, she walked with her head in the clouds of her dream world.
He hoped it was wonderful there.
But every heart that is given away leaves a hole in the chest. And nature works its ways, that hole shall be
filled by the heart of another. yes boy, you are loved, you are loved and you do not even know it. 

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Thinking of You

Can I carve my name into your chest
So they know that you are mine
And if disease should infest
I'd bide out the time


This pain is not the same as before
This pain is different
I want more


i need this to
release my love
i am empty without you inside
you're unaware of how I've cried
and begged to hold you
within my quaking love
you have seen how my heart beats for you
you can feel that inside
i'll give my energy to you
for you I have no pride
and all of this
you release into me
i'll take and keep
for eternity


You drive me
Through my heart
Into the ground
Kill me now
I won't make a sound
Will you keep my blood
In a vial round your neck?
Will you bury my body
When you've severed my head?


I'd push you off the mountain
Watch you fall to your death
And if it didn't kill you
I'd love you instead

If I could freeze
My hearts remains
When it melted
Would I feel the same


I can't keep my head up
Push me down
The water's increasing
Will you watch me drown?
I can still hear you saying
"Love is watching your love die"
So this is goodbye
My last words, my last breath
I still wish I was with you instead


angel with my angel wings
suffocate me while i hear you sing
i feel your hands around my neck
you are my air you take my breath
Why is it so easy to forget?

Sunday, June 03, 2007

If I can take your hurt upon myself,
and feel it, less than you would if you kept it,
Then I will.
Because I love you.
"Now I can breathe, turn my insides out and smother me "
'Smother me' - The Used