Tuesday, April 29, 2008

She always thought she was different
From everyone, with all their shit
Different, different, doesn't always cut it

A whirlwind
Of feelings and non-feelings and fears
Falling over these same stumbling-blocks
She thought he had taken them with him
Maybe the new one had brought them back.

Assorted bruises on her leg
One for each of them
So they all had their mark
She fell more when it was dark
And they blocked out the light.
And they took all her fight.
So she melted into them
Trying not to pretend
That it was any different.

But oh yes, he said it was.

Looking back, and reading pain
Mistakenly thinking this time was the same
Just how she pushed them all away

A story for another day?
Maybe, because he was tired,
And left her to sleep
Some hormonal version of her was left to weep
And feel alone.

Her lips on his, and his, and his
Each day brings another feeling
And another way to deal with it
Who knew which one was right?

Poor little confused girl
Taking pity on herself
Or chasing pain to make her feel alive
She would close her eyes while she would drive
And just hope that she would be alright
Night after night after night

Monday, April 28, 2008

I don't know
If what I do is right, or wrong
But I'll not think about it, and sing along

I can't guess,
If this is real, or a test
But I'll try do my best
Not knowing if it was ever good enough
To begin with

I'm feeling slightly lost
Slightly scared
You caught me unprepared

Chasing you away
With these fears that kept me safe
Maybe keeping you here is more than I can take.
Okay, I think it's time I poured my heart out to you. Because I need to take an objective look at myself, if only for a few minutes.

I find myself expressing my fears. In itself, this should be a good thing. Better surely, that compacting them inside, hiding them and denying them.

So what do I fear? Simply, in relationships, I fear being second-best. I don't want to do that one again, not anytime soon. I feel however, that I seem to get myself into situations that make me second-best. I seem to be attracted to guys that are already in love with someone else. And it's noone's shortcoming except my own. I seem to attract pain, even take some sort of morbid pleasure in it. Another issue I'm trying to understand.

But the tricky bit comes in trying to stop the fears taking over. Stopping starting things with the end in mind. And pushing people away with my fears. Am I wrong for thinking this is going to go the same way? Or stupid for doing this again?

I'm stopping here, because I can't go on like this, can't write like this.

We may not always get what we want. But we always get what we need.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

"Are you dazed
From too much meat and wine?

Of are you a soldier
On the field of battle?"

The warning again and again.
Again pertaining to you.

That's it I'm done
Done with regret
And missing you
Done with being dragged back.
That's it, I've forgotten.
Anything we ever had.
And here creeps in the doubt
Did we ever have anything at all?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Is it me that chases it? Or all girls - rendering me the same.
Just thinking it taps my heartbeat, each beat bringing pain.
"Humanity is bewildered by false idols
And driven by vain fantasies into the pit of destruction"
Eerily accurate advice. But it is so hard,
So hard to judge the false idols from the rest.
Especially when any one persons idols differ from the next.
With no one to guide me,
Or tell me which way to turn my feet.
I find myself ambling down too many familiar streets.
"Dive into the boiling sea of passion,
And all grief will run from you"
But they still want me to believe that love solves everything,
Still want me to surrender
And I'll believe them and they knew I always would.
Because, without love, there's nothing else.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

If this is what I know I don't want
Why do I question it
Sometimes when I look in your eyes
I know I would die for it

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Why am I plagued, by this haunting feeling of being betrayed
It's all too familiar
Why do I feel my heart sink
Everytime I'm left alone
I should be used to this
Why do I insist that someone will be there for me
And set myself up for a fall
Life is life alone.
"There are moments that hold aeons of seperation
Yet parting is naught but an exhaustion of the mind
Perhaps we have not parted."
The Garden Of The Prophet

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

On Fears and Hopes

Just wonder, why it makes me so angry
To hear your fears
- That you're scared I do what everyone else does,
What? - Fall in love with you?
I told you I don't fall easily..

And I told you that I'm scared,
That I'll be the one that's different,
The one that you end up falling for first..
Maybe it isn't so much a fear as a hope.

I told you I've been feeling aggressive,
I was just being honest.
So I hope you aren't surprised.

But it's a sensitive subject,
When all I need is to be different,
I'm scared you'll tag me the same.

'So why does it always seem
That every time I turn around
Somebody falls in love with me?'
City and Color

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Am I doing this wrong for refusing to be anyone's fool,
When everyone has to be someone's?
I don't know.
Can I pick this up off the floor...?
"With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you"
When it falls, it all falls
When it rains, it pours
I can't take this anymore
"On the way home,
This car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather,
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired.. and exposed."
Look, the drama's repeating itself again
And they've switched my role
"My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp,
I try to choke them back..
But it's useless,
I am useless against them
They're beating me with ease"
Tell me who or what to turn to
'Cause false hope don't keep me warm
When there's noone to listen,
I'll just talk to myself

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Go on, make it worth all these sacrifices I make.

Because I don't think you do.