Wednesday, December 24, 2008

"like, when i say he's perfect...he is perfect
i cant conceive that i could find someone better
with other people there were always things at the back of my mind telling me it couldnt be forever, yknow? like, its a fling, not serious
and you know they arent right for you completely
but with him, there isn't that little alarm in the back of my head
there is no reason why i wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with him
in fact, there's every reason that i would want to!"
and the best part is,
that he feels the same way

Sunday, December 21, 2008


"I will wait forever,
Cause I think you're the one"
A Skylit Drive

Thank goodness these signs stifle my tears
Now I look to someone to suffocate my fears

You think the day will never come
But it does and you are possibly even less prepared
Than the first day when you conceived the idea

So here it is
And I feel a thousand million times worse than I thought I would
And it hurts and
I'm alone again

Who will hold me now?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Please talk to me.

Don't you love me anymore?
My heart...
It is sore.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

If it pains you that he calls me his best friend and not you
Why are you not there for him when he needs you?
Is it selfish
To want to keep her because you love her
Even if she does not love you?

Is it selfish
To force her to stay by declaring yourself upset
When she is doubt-ridden

Is it foolish
To want to be loved
When she is unsure

She just needs a little space
To experience her whole life from here
You don't remember what it was like?
And you, you need to find someone
Who is at the same stage as you.

I tried to explain this to you before
But you thought I was taking the piss
I tried to tell you my doubts
So I could save you from this
But all it achieved was double hurt,
Our hurt when we argued,
And your hurt now

So I won't bother saying I told you so
But I did.

It was never that I wasn't happy for you
It was just I saw too clearly.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Not enough days before my sweetheart leaves....
Not enough days...!
What will I do when he's gone
What will I do?

Monday, December 01, 2008

To a friend, not even half of my thoughts.

I ask you not, because I would have you sad
But rather because I need to understand
To be there for you when you inevitably fall from this farce
That you yourself have admitted is not forever
So then why do you deliberately isolate yourself?
Maybe,maybe,maybe I am wrong,
I can only hope that this is so
But I see your soul has leaked from your eyes
Does she keep it?
Because I can not even see hers.

Love is not some competition
But what lies beneath what you say, and do
All the empty actions
That I do not need although it is I who you compete with.
If I could only see into your head...
But I wish this too often
I just feel that I am losing you, my friend
And was that not your greatest fear?
So why then, do you push us away?

I try to reason with you
But your thoughts are aimless
And your excuses feeble
What are your true reasons for not wanting to stay?

Your gaze betrays you
And your knock-backs do not make me doubt my choice
It only your so called lover who suffers
Because your love goes only as far as you can prove.
So where do we go from here?
Though I do not await your demise,
I must keep it in mind
Although you pretend that you don't need me now
Or you do things that push me away
My loyalty means I will stay
Because then you will need me.
Is it good enough reason?

Nothing you say or do I can believe
And we do not connect
What is left? what is left?
You test the ones who I love
And disappoint me yourself
What now?

I do not know, and dare not think whether this may be an ending, or if this is a change. Whether it is permanent, what it is and whether I can handle it.

"How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think I know how."
Paramore - Decode

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Friendship, again

Why is it

That we chase the ones who constantly disappoint us?

And push away the ones who are always there.

I aim to fix all of my mistakes
But ignorance never bred perfection
So I need you to show me where I step out of line
I don't want to be a hypocrite like you
I, in turn
Will show you your faults
Because this is what I want you to do for me

I point out your mistakes,


Because I want a fight or to attack you


Because I hate you


Because I love you


I want to keep you


Not keep resentment

Please do not misunderstand my intentions
I do not want to be left alone
Just when I begin to rely on you again
You let me fall
Am I chasing disappointment like you?
Or am I getting what I deserve,
Because I believe that your pain is because of how you have hurt me?

Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"

Never again, never again, never again

Never again, never again, never again....

Brand New

Friday, November 21, 2008


I have sat, and I have thought.
You always make me feel better.

My helplessness is cured,
And I am strong once more.

I will not stop believing I am better,
So watch me fix my weaknesses.
What is love?
She's not searching for rainbows
What is love?
I go where ever the wind blows
What is love...?
Someone I can talk to every night
Someone I can talk to every night....
Rookie of the Year

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I am not one for jealousy.

I feel distraught - I am so used to being the smart one, the natural...should I relinquish my title, or change my field?

It depresses me, that my old tactics work no longer, and it is only my luck which pulls me through now - or so it would seem. I am disheartened, I have no will to exert myself if my exertion does not achieve excellence - and yet I know, that it is my lack of exertion which is my downfall. I am so used to it all coming easily.

I am stuck. I do not know how to change. And again my fears of being second best are being agitated, it seems they will always find a way to manifest themselves. I can hardly admit this all to myself: to these pages it is one thousand times harder. What do I do?

I am in a dilemma, I see my predicament and yet I am incapable of saving myself. I feel like, I am a patient stuck in an operating theatre, numb but left conscious, and I am watching the operation which will be the death of me. My metaphor is over-dramatic, but I am panicking.
And in the back of my mind it repeats -

Life is the same dramas
Repeated again and again
We just play different roles.

Please save me from this never-ending loop, I am in crisis.
Please help me escape, I do not want to die here.
I need to stop myself from living out this endless fear,
But I don't know how.

Please stop this word echoing in my head.

"We'll rest easy.
I've suffered a swift defeat.
...I'll endure countless repeats." Death Cab For Cutie

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

The sky is beautiful tonight. Like an electric explosion of phantasmic proportions. It's as though someone somewhere were trying to show us the answers by illuminating every last bit of the sky. Like some giant playing a kid's piano where each key he hits lights up...and our sky were his keyboard. Why do I always think it has meaning? If we are just giants playthings - let the giants play.

So here we are, planted, on this unfantastic world beneath the fantastic sky. I hope my giant owner is sympathetic, and that I am worth keeping.

The car is quiet, I have turned the music back on but there is nothing I feel like listening to. And my window is down, the breeze outside is perfect. I think the world could stop right here, right now, and be perfection frozen.

I can still smell him on my hands, though I've washed them a few times now. A sweet smell that catches the back of my nostrils. All I want to do is breathe him in, and keep him there, inside me. Safe from life and everything that might and will change. Or I just won't forget tonight. If only my memory were more reliable, I wouldn't cling to these moments so desperately.

Its getting late, and I should sleep. I hear distant dogs calling and mine yawn-grunting outside my open window. The thunder from this evenings storm is still rolling, over some distant suburb now, not mine. My knee is sore from all the hours I sit cross-legged on this office chair, and the wind is touching my skin through my top.

If I could take what I have and vacuum pack it, I think I might. There is no point to these ramblings, there is no complaining to be done, there is no heartache any more, no mystery tonight, no sadness. Just my brainwaves which seem to have migrated onto a whole new level. And I am happy for them to keep their lodgings, for as long as they will.

So goodnight, world. And thankyou. For giving me luck, happiness and perfection. I shall try and repay my dues, or keep my gratitude at least.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


I had thought, that it was too good, too fast. Forgive me, I was mistaken. Good things do not wait. I wouldn’t stop this for anything. Nothing else seems as perfect as the moments I spend by your side – every moment since we have been together has been one small piece of perfection. This state of happiness I will gladly keep.

And you want to leave! Or maybe you don’t want to – not anymore – but I won’t let you hear me suspect that and I could never make you stay. Yet somehow, I don’t think that we have met at the wrong time – I think that a battle whose outcome is ideal is a battle worth fighting – and humans always need a war, so you can be mine.

You said the other morning that you woke up and rolled over, expecting me to be there. And I, expected too, to be right there next to you. Because now I know that’s where I am meant to be.

You have caught me – love makes me a hypocrite- we are often hypocrites, yes, but the difference is love makes one not care. And this is not some fickle lust, you are ideal in ways that I could not even have foreseen! I don’t need to check all those boxes on my list, no, I need to make new boxes, or write up a whole new list just for you. That is how amazing you are to me.

I don’t want to write things that will scare you – No, in fact, I do – I want you to be scared like I am I want for you to feel the meaning in my words and read between these lines, read all the things that I could not find the words to write – all those things we share which are beyond words and description. Every little smile, every pause, every happy sigh and wistful gaze… every lip-chew and lip-lick and deep breath. Every blink… every shiver down my spine. Every time that I tilt my head to the side and consider what I have written and the small doubts that fill my mind when I do – does he really want to hear this? Am I too soppy? Could he possibly like me as much as I like him…? Maybe I should stop here. Maybe I’m a fool. –

D, you have turned my world upside down! So amazingly quickly and forcefully that I am surprised that I am not shell-shocked! But being shell shocked would just waste minutes of this fantastic life that has unfolded here right in front of my eyes, freshly sparkling like rain in your garden, or stars in my sky, and twisting, like us on your bed… and exciting!

People can say what they will – though those who have seens us together or alone since we have been together can only bear testament to how good we are for each other – but I still feel that I am sane and rational! And possibly these do not seem like the words of a sane and rational girl and possibly I am misguided, but I feel crystal clear in what I want and it is exactly what I have.

I feel as though we could take on the world. Honestly, I am happy to stop searching for a soul-mate or anyone else because I have it all here in you! Where did you come from and will you please stay? Every smile you give me, every naughty grin, every tiny butterfly kiss kills me a little more inside, every tiny piece of your skin which touches mine brings me pleasure, every time you grab my hand and hide it behind you while we walk, every time you look at me and I don’t need to know what you are thinking, every time that you let me know you are thinking of me… oh every second of every day!!

I am not one for soppyness and romance. I know the above paragraph begs to differ! I was not one for holding hands, for pet names, for thinking about just one boy every night before I sleep, and every morning while I wake up and feeling his presence with me every second in between!

I have never felt so comfortable and at ease with someone, these words, like words cannot, are not capturing what it is I want you to know, how I feel for you and what you mean to me. Maybe these words are premature, but I have this feeling that I will send them to you anyway, because they have taken up my studytime and because you may enjoy reading them. And I didn’t have to stop for one second to write this tidal wave, it is pure unfiltered mind-speak! Even Milo has left my windowsill for want of attention…

This is my letter to say – that I have fallen for you completely and you have caught me so solidly in your arms that now I cannot bear to be anywhere else! In being with you I fee at peace, just knowing that ou are in my life and you are mine and you are staying makes me feel like the most blessed person in the universe! I honestly feel like some angel has looked at me and said “Leila you have been good, and now you shall be rewarded!”

It is the first time which I am not scared to show my feelings and let them pour because I feel – to use your expression – completely in harmony with you. I do not fear that you will not reciprocate, or you will run away, well, not too much anyway… And if you run, I might catch you!

So, because I have to study, and because I broke my train of thought to type this on my laptop to send to you right now, I will end off. I am debating whether or not to re-read this, if I do I may chicken out of sending it! Every single time I tell you I love you it feels like the first time, in the park where I could barely admit it, not so long ago, chilly-legged and happy-faced. I could have stayed there all night. And I have written you another such letter, but I was talking to you at the time, and this one I face on my own! You do not leave me much time to think and reflect these days, I either eat, sleep, varsity/study, or D! Yes, you are a verb ‘these days’. So I hope you’re smiling reading this, and if you aren’t: get smiling now!!

If you keep this letter, and you are now an old man reading this in your rocking chair: I have the following to tell you:

1. You’re still sexy! And you know it! Cheeky bugger!
2. I loved you. Maybe I still do!
3. You were the coolest 24yr old in the world to this 20 yr old girl (who is now an attractive granny with snow white curly hair)
4. Check under your rocking chair for stale gum, cause that’s just gross and you should really sort it out
5. I’m rambling, and I am famous for it so I have no shame! But I will shut up now!

Okay I got a bit off topic there… Don’t even ask what goes on inside my head!
I am going to stop talking and send this! And I want you to text me when you get it, cause I’m likely to be distracted from studying wondering if you’ve received it, if you’ve read it… what you think of it… etc etc

And to let you know I decided not to read it over so if there are errors, forgive me.

D, I love you completely.

All my heart
Leila xxx

Saturday, November 01, 2008

See - If I say it one more time I'll believe

That this is forever

And if this is forever

Now more than ever

Tell me you love me.

I'm breathless from screaming

But you still can't hear me

So I'll say it one more time

That this is forever.

Yes, this is forever.

And when I say it, it never seems enough
I can't study - but oh well!
It is only my future at stake
And suddenly my future is more.

I am realising, why words fail me
There is nothing they could do to capture this.
So forgive my silence,
It speaks of a happy heart.

Could stay forever like this - oh that I could!
but I say maybe too much,
And you think too much.
Maybe we can sort each other out.
I think we can live with it.

I cannot say out loud
Or even type
What only my mind dares think;
In moments of daze or subconciousness
So not to worry me too much.
Not realising that my heart is in tune.

It is
And any representation of it could only be imperfection!
But I want to document my heart falling,
Because I don't think it is coming back this time.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Seems Business Management can teach you something:

(A leader):
May not have all the answers,
But will know how to ask the right questions.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

It took me a total of five minutes to leave the house this morning -
Five minutes, from bed to car.
I think it may be a record.

But I'm not proud, because it meant I was late for class,
And maybe it didn't matter,
Maybe it wasn't my fault,
Yeah, my phone was charging and that means the reminder didn't sound
But I should have set an alarm instead of a reminder.

I don't know,
I am reluctant to blame myself for the lack of attention my life and everything in it has been getting lately!
But they have been lacking.
Maybe I shouldn't give so much to begin with,
Then they would not feel the lack...
Is that viable?

I am so full of maybes!

I do not use these pages as my journal,
Not so simply.
Why am I writing like this?
So I can admit to myself,
That my attention has shifted one hundred percent?
And that I would not have it any other way?
Am I being selfish or just enjoying what's there for the taking...?
I always was a bit of a hedonist.

Balance: I should know that better than anyone.

So everyone, just don't think that I am not thinking about it.
I am.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

well, she is a new girl

i met her the other day actually

she has the amazing body!

and stunning gorgeous lines!

with a personality to match!

i couldnt believe my luck!

she just kinda appeared before me one day!

in my line of sight


grinning from ear to ear



i cant think of what to say to get my feelings across this screen to your eyes!


Its like

when i kiss you i cant get enough

like i want you completely in me

to consume every inch of you

to tie every limb of mine in yours

to live through you breathing on me

and just stay in your aura


to be able to hold you

to be able to touch you

to feel your skin on mine

to taste you

to run fingers through your hair

to be in you


"Change as ye list, ye winds; my heart shall be

The faithful compass that still points to thee" J.Gay

Who thanks god every night I get home safe

Who finds happiness in my contentment

And would give his luxuries for my pleasure

Thank you for loving me

you dont have to think i'm perfect

you just have to want me around

Monday, October 13, 2008

Here's hoping
That you spare me one night of feeling
Because I can't say no and my feelings scare me
Here's hoping
That you know what you want or that you do not
I do not know which will save me

Suddenly I see so far into the future
and I don't know what to do with it
Here's hoping - Or not hoping -
That sense will catch me when the ground is not solid anymore
Or I try to walk across water to you
Here's hoping - that you do not read this and think me a fool
I'm hoping that I am not.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

So maybe I'm a little bit drunk
Or just a bit over-tired

It's just..

I'm thinking
And non-comprehensible, half-comprehensible thoughts
That hold no reason for the writing of
But might spill out here in any case.

How everything in life is a delicate balance.
So easy to disrupt
If we trust our instinct,
Does instinct lead us to balance
Unlike our over-meditated actions
Which often throw us off course?

How we are all hypocrites
And most claim to hate them the most
Is it then only important that we do not become hypocrites in our own eyes
Or is this just some intricate type of deceit?

How it takes being out of one's mind
To speak it sometimes

And how fear is so crippling
Fear that the other will not feel the same
How many times have you not spoken
For fearing or for not knowing
Or just not to upset the balance?

But how comfortable can we stay sometimes?
It's the stupid stuff
That we want to forget the most
And it's the stupid stuff
That we want to remember.

Maybe it makes no sense.
Maybe nothing does.
But then those things that make sense,
Shouldn't one hold close to himself?

And love that which makes him sane
When his world is full of the insane
Even if it's just for understanding his unique insanity
Or being part of it.

'Good-night, good-night! Parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say good-night till it be morrow. '

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Do you ever wonder,
If who you fixate about,
Fixates about you too?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

sometimes people are a certain way
because at that moment
they can't be any other way

and then
they try to play it down to you
to avoid it
because they're not proud,
and they want to forget

but they can't quite.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Friday, September 26, 2008

Testing is poison.

It is only in testing a person, that they can fall short.
(Or is it rather that, without testing them, you would never notice their shortcomings?)
What is there to be gained by constantly putting others friendship to the test;
And hoping that they will prove you wrong,
When nobody can fulfill your expectations, or you have left no margin for error?
You convince yourself that what you perceive is justified, that what you feel has been validated.
You've tested it, after all.
You've tested them, they fell short.

So pray tell, what are you going to do now?

If the truth leaves me lonely, give me lies..
"Lie to me, love me, we'll run away from everything"
I ask for lies, all I do is ask for lies,
But I cannot handle them.
Yes, sometimes it seems the truth is overrated.
But sometimes it is the same world, with different coloured lenses.

What good does it do me to be cynical,
When I can let it slide..
What good does it do me?

If I doubt you, I leave you room to fulfill my doubt
I will not doubt you
If I test you I give you the chance to fail
You will not fail me
If I conceive that you can cause me pain, you just might
You cannot hurt me
If I wait for you to not be enough you might not ever be
You’re exactly what I need you to be
If I never admit that I need you, maybe you will never know
I need you
If I fear that you will leave me, I will allow myself to let you go
I never will.

Do not tell me I am weak for needing you, or for expecting you to be everything that I need you to be.
Do not call me unrealistic, nor foolish, or say that I am asking to be hurt.
I am just trying to live my life.
I chose you and I will not let you let me down so easy.
So I choose to believe that you are all of this.
And it suits me just fine.

It is only in testing a person, that they can fall short,
And so, I will never test you.

See. It pains to feel attacked,

Do you feel defenceless now?


"He’s alone in the night:
He’s afraid of the dark -
(Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!)
And then he asks himself - "Why?
Why did I?" - he says.
"throw it away,
give up my sun, my sky, my marvellous day?
Why -why - why
was I a fool?" he says.
So do I ask why
And I tell you I don’t know.
I only know-
as that suicide in vain
shivers for the loving sun
wishes his death undone,
his poison spilled-
so do I wish alive again
the love i killed."
from the play 'Come of Age', by Clemence Dane

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I am thinking, that if chance were to take my life.
And I was offered one last chance
To rewind Time:
They would give me the life of someone who had committed suicide.
Because my life had been taken by chance,
and his by choice,
They could undo his but not mine.

Would I take it?

Monday, September 22, 2008

First thoughts on being a warrior.

“For the warrior, there is no such thing as an impossible love”

‘For the warrior, there is not such thing as an impossible love.

He is not intimidated by silence, indifference, or rejection. He knows that, behind the mask of ice that people wear, there beats a heart of fire.
This is why the warrior takes more risks than other people. He is constantly seeking the love of someone, even if that means often having to hear the word “no”, returning home defeated and feeling rejected in body and soul.

A warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs. Without love, he is nothing.”

Paulo Coelho – Manual of The Warrior of Light

I have always known I was a warrior. I do not blindly accept.

Oftentimes I find myself reacting abnormally to situations. Rationalizing differently, or not seeing the need to rationalize when others demand my explanations. They seem not to understand, that sometimes love alone is enough reason.

I am at worst, aggressive, at best, strong. Some of us are born with some innate power, that we must tame. Or it will consume us, control us.

A warrior does not kill the innocent.

One has to have faith in oneself, to protect others, and for anyone else to have faith in them. I believe in myself, and so have found that throughout my few years thus far, people have been able to believe in me, and trust me.

But does a warrior feel pride? For when someone has not trusted me, I have found it hard to handle. But I have grown and instead of fighting my downfalls, I try to acknowledge them.

Understanding that I am a warrior, I seek to control my emotions. But this I struggle with. Few things affect me but those that seldomly do, I take to heart. If without love, I am nothing, then I must accept the shadows that only love can cast across my joy. Without faltering. I do not fall, nor break apart, but you will see through my eyes if my spirit has been wounded.

I know, that I am not the same. And I seek to perfect what I have been landed with, while not fighting my imperfections. Do not look at me one day and think I have always been thus.

I have crafted a mind which runneth like a stream, for the most part smooth and unhindered, helpful and calm.
But my stream meets a river, and seeing the river, is humbled. The river has such strength that he can overcome any animal who attempts crossing: my stream merely trickles.
This warrior acts on gut instinct, and lacks the internal dialogue of the wizard.

This warrior has much to learn.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Friendship, impossible love?

So is this what you call friendship? Somewhere half between talking and not talking, caring and not caring. I could do without.

Maybe your definition of friendship differs vastly from mine, but is a friend still a friend whom you do not see, is not eager to see you? Is a friend still a friend whom you rarely talk to? Is a friend still a friend when you have no ties left, but just because you deem him to be so? I think not.

I digress, I was just fine without talking to you, I had come to terms with it. But you drag me back here and I can never understand why. You start, and do not follow through. You spark the fire, and leave me to fan it. My turn is long since over. It is yours.

I always pray for the strength, to walk away; always pray for guidance, to know what to do. But I cannot answer my prayers, my internal monologue evades me. Do you deserve a frosty reception similar to your own, or being deceived to hurt both you and your mate? Revenge sounds sweet but I am not vindictive.

If there were some reason for your less than enthusiastic behaviour, I would like to think that you could be honest with me, but you only deny the feelings which constantly bother me. Which makes it worse. Who knows what drives you ? or what goes on inside your head, because you will not tell me anymore. I almost succeed in refusing to let this bother me. Almost.

“This is my last call to you
Then I'll give up everything
That we had, that we'd do
And you'll never hear me sing
All these songs about you
So just take this time and think
Just take this time and think”
Plain White T’s

...“For the warrior, there is no such thing as an impossible love” Paulo Coelho

Monday, September 15, 2008

Ramblings on being second best # 36261117

I say TV is (for the most part), a waste of my time, and pointless. But every now and again I'll be watching some show or the other and something will make me think. Tonight it was a girl leaving, and her best guy friend (who has a girlfriend) getting sad as they said goodbye.

My brother complained that he loved her..
My mother said that he did not!
I commented that he did love her, and his girlfriend: But then paused, and added that, he just happened to love his girlfriend more - Which everyone agreed with, and my mother further commented that she was right in leaving, after all, why should she suffer being second best?

So it isn't a surprise that this made me think, it isn't a surprise that the girl reminded me of [a stronger version of] myself.

I have to stop tolerating boys just because they love me. Sometimes their love alone, isn't enough. Sometimes you don't need just to be loved, you need to be loved the most.

So I seek to find in myself the strength to stop returning to the boys who have loved me, maybe still do. Because I need to realise, that if they loved me the most, they wouldn't be apart from me in the first place. For the most part.

Great. Now someone please tell my heart that.

Friday, September 12, 2008

First thoughts on liars

It bothers me, not just that you are not a hundred percent honest, but that you won't be a hundred percent honest with me, if I should ask you.

It is always left undecided, whether lying by ommission is still a lie - I cannot stand a liar.

I can put words in your mouth, and you will agree. Because you love me or want me to love you? Your excuses are weak.

If I expect too much, it is because you have trained me to expect this. Then, am I to blame?


Sometimes I am shocked, at what people conceal - sometimes I never find out, and could never imagine. And, yes, there could be reasons for your actions which you do not always wish to share. I should know this.

Is it that people are less honest than me, because for some reason I cannot conceal things unecessarily? Or is it that it seems so weird to me because I cannot conceive that which is being concealed. I am always scared of that which I do not know that I do not know.

Honesty has always seemed the best path for me, have you been raised differently? Why do some people lie when they don't need to: because it comes naturally? Because it is a way of life? A habit? Fun?

It varies in degrees, but in any form, I know that I could not live with a liar. It worries me not to know the full truth, or at least think that I do. I just need the security.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

On contact..

In order to move forward in life, to progress, to evolve.. something must change, must it not? It is so easy to hope that meeting someone new can spiral off a chain of events similar to that which you hope for: in my case not so silently and secretly sometimes.

However, there are god knows how many people in this vast world, and reflecting on this fact, it upsets me to realise how few we will make contact with. And contact, what do we classify as contact?

A smile: You walked past and caught my eye, my lips betrayed a hesitance to smile, which you caught and threw back at me in full-toothed glory. You went, you came back, you went again, mouthing "goodbye", topped with another. Will I ever see you again?

A hello, a short conversation: Common needs brought us together for a few moments and we ended up talking. I don't think either of us remember what about, but it did not matter, we were lost within each others projections. You reminded me of someone I would like to know, to keep around, but I knew that saying goodbye meant I would possibly not see you again. But I could not keep you for too long, and whether or not the same realisation was encapsulated within you, it did not matter. Because it ended with goodbye.

Contact can't only be either of these, or similar interactions - for we do not live in the village communities of old, where habit brings us to the same places, the same people, day after day. So such contact can and will probably be once-off - then what can we do to change it, to make it twice-off? Social akwardness born of social expectations govern us. And we know not who dares to break the mould, so we do not break it ourselves.
Questions, I can give you questions. But answers I struggle for.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Again, on lacking eloquence.

In seeking to eliminate thought-pain, I hope that my thoughts have not disappeared completely, for often it has struck me that those who write the best, think the best - the best being synonymous to most unique. And these unique writers, are the ones who are tortured by such unique thoughts.

Operating backwards however, I could not say that those who are tortured by their thoughts are necessarily good at communicating them. I suffer now in that I seem to think clearly, but struggle to logically communicate my clear thoughts, often sitting and reading what I have written only to wonder if anyone existing outside of my own head could appreciate it.

Forgive me, I look not for reassurance nor consolance, though some pseudo-version of me would have such things. I merely seek to understand how, having eliminated my unbearable thought-pain, I may keep my unique thoughts. I hope, that this will will not lead me to understand that there is no externalisation to be had of thoughts which you do not contain, and indeed no beauty without pain.

And, if this is the only conclusion to be drawn from such a path of thinking, would I sacrifice my calmness of mind back to the thought-devil, if he would return my eloquence?

I still feel this, and so it still pours out from me.
If I did not feel this, here would not lie the stain.
And so this will stain, and pour,
Until I feel this no more.

Friday, August 29, 2008

I cannot bear the thought

That one day you will love her more than you love me

Saying No

There is only so many times a person can say 'No'
Before the person who hears that 'No'
Neglects to offer again.

"To love makes one solitary, she thought"
Mrs Dalloway

Words of my life #2

"Your personality, so complex, so unique, so random, there seems to be no pattern or logic.
You can imagine how frustrating to a computing engineer.
I dunno whether I'm scoring with you or pissing you off.
My intention is not to piss you off by the way, despite our rather... err fiery interactions."

Words of my life

"Afterwards, I asked myself why I'd do something like that and it's basically because I love you and I wanted to change your mind so that you don't have to do those things."


Saturday, August 23, 2008

I want to say again, that I love you
and that I don't think now, that i can be without you
Selfish, or not, I surmise it does not mattter what I want.
For you, you do not listen. Not anymore.

I do not know what changed, or what you are angry at me for.
Am I more selfish, for not wanting to give you to another?
I do not mind, but I do fear, that one day
I will change and want to be your lover.

Is my worry that you will leave, or push me away?
Even though you promise me different
Stories scare me
And you, you upset me.
Though I would not see you cry for it.

If you, yourself, do not know.
What is confusing you so,
How am I to guess the cause of the turmoil I see through your farce
Or not farce, but temporary bliss
That will fall apart again when you eat her kisses
And have her whole
And leave me incomplete
For I cannot speak to you, at the end of every week
She starts your weekends
And you send, me away
And days later, you pay

It is not my intention to make you suffer
For my discomfort or stubborness
I apologise in advance
But unlike you, I can't hold up the farce.
So maybe I should leave.

They say they always choose
But I cannot stand to lose
But it is not your choice I fear
It is your emptyness, all the while that you are here
And your suspicions when you leave
And all the headaches that I don't need
Although I wished for drama.

So if I push you away and you do not leave
Am I to blame for wanting you so close always
Or for trying to force you to stay
The one time you are unwilling?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

And better, for her not to write
Lest what she feel resurface
But months had passed,
And all her fight,
It had been murdered.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

And Yes, the Loneliness,
It can get to you.
But what would you sacrifice
To feel like you used to?
I thought that I did,
But I didn't want you.
Or anything you can give.
Oh ! you give me nothing!
And falling, her words caught her
Like a net of black, and woven
She landed, and crawled under
Dark cold alleyways
Looking for light
Not realising
She had lost her sight
And she crawled in open fields
Thinking the heat she felt
Must surely be flames
The sun, through a magnifying glass
Becomes far less tame.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Isn't it sad to know someone's lips
better than you know their brain?
"Because all suffering is sweet to me"
Saint Thérèse

Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Ever feel like someone is better off without you,
because you can't give them what they need?"

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Your mind.

"I am a bad person Leila,
My mind is a horrible place."

Here, belly down
Watching one more tear roll down
Your over-used cheek

What can I tell you
Seeing you hurt so kills me
That I assess every idea you tell me
Against my own
And choose what's best for you
That I cannot tell you this

My perfection eats away at you
Did I not ever feel like you do

I try to explain to you that out of every hundred thoughts
You may know two.
That I did not teach you how to draw.
Two minutes ago you said you did not remember.

My name, with resentment, spewed from your lips
It's all I can do not to cry
But itching my eye I feel mine tooIs moist.

That in your moments of emptiness
All I would do is help you be whole again
But I have no idol to introduce you to

You believe not that which I admit to you
Or think I would mock you
I would not

My heart, it bleeds,
Less for the memories of my tortured head
And more for yours now
Though I will not agree with your confessions of insanity
Or lack of a heart.
I gave so much to you
Where is it all now?

You sit, cross-legged
Preaching to me
But Mr. Hyde, has he gone?
Mr Jekyll remains, or some cold, mean hearted version of him.
You say you can't help it
I have seen you at your worst.
I cry for you but won't let you see it

Watch what I say? - How dare you try save me
When you cannot save yourself?

I realise that more than you realise,
have become like me
Oh, you want to help
You want to preach
You cannot listen.
Heaven forbid I am the same,
To some superior being
I tell you to wait, wait
But I, at you age, I could not.

Scorn, pouring from your fingertips
Issuing slaps, you push
Me and everyone else away
But I push my way back in
If shouting got my message across
If anything did
This would be different
Not this, again and again and again

"Clash. Do you believe that?"
No, I don't.
I don't believe that we aren't meant to get along.
I do not know everything,
You would or would not have me.
It varies, it differs not.

I try, constantly, to see inside your head.
I would understand,
My own little case study,
My tortured genius
I envy you somewhat,
My voices have died.
My twenty years swallowed my inconsistency
And I sit here stable, listening to your monotone.
Your voice that drives me mad,
Your words that I can't stand.
I can't talk to you when you're like this.

"I don't know who I am"
Did you really think someone would save you?
I cannot, and I care most - is this true?
Maybe there's something wrong with our head
Maybe you're stupid
But you throw old statements back and back again
Let it go?

The other night you told me
There are angels, in people.
Angels, sent by God.
Tonight you took back your words.
I am more than just a good person.
Though you say that is all.

The dark entrails of your mind,
Strewn here on the floor
Bare floorboards, where did you find them?
Cold and black, they scare me
I see why they scare you
But I, I must feign courage
For you who has none right now.

It exhausts me
Wading through your laments
Dispelling your mental problems
Where you think I will not listen
It is my duty to oppose.
You think I think I am better
I just want you to be happy
And not empty.

Float, float on
If you are not a angel
What are you, that floats?
I do not fear what you fear.

One thousand names for this condition.
But seeing you snap
Is something I hate experiencing
Dealing with your two parallel worlds
Tiptoeing around your black world and black sister
What do I say to her,
When she turns my heart stone.

"I think I'm scared of the dark"

Friday, July 18, 2008

All i want

Okay, let me write to you and tell you all it is that I want.

All that I want. be it selfish or not. For it to be here and manifest before my eyes, for me to see it and train my subconscious to bring this to me. Make my desires true. Because a stated dream is a dream half caught, isn’t it?

When you feel the lack, then you must know that you want what you seem to be lacking. If this is true I have found my wants, so clearly. In moments of despair they seem unachievable, far, far away, unrealistic. As though this lack could not be filled. And I know I have holes which I deem only to be fillable by certain objects, certain beings, certain places. I am filled with these holes, heaven forbid they should be fatal.

“and then suddenly it struck me how I had nowhere to be, noone to be with. I suddenly felt alone, irrationally (I see that now) but immensely, immediately, heart-achingly alone.
I felt like crying (I did, a wee bit), I wanted to be surrounded by people, lots of people. Old people. new people, exciting people, people who I still had to get to know, anyone, everyone. Instead though, I had no one

..And I saw my future span out just the same. Me, bored with life, the long, lonely, empty days. For the rest of university, for the rest of work.. for the rest of ever, forever..”

People, faces, voices, thoughts, sights, the wind, the sky, the grass, the hills, they all make their holes.

Your face, your voice, your words.

“I know, its not even true now. But in that moment it's all I truly believed in.

I managed to shake it.
but its still there, lurking.

I was just looking through the photos of my holiday and I realised I want to be in the mountains, on the farms, under the trees, in the hills, by the streams, running with the goats... you get my point. I realise I’m just like my grandad, a free spirit”

So some small idea of what it is, that and a lover to brave the cold wind with, watch the million stars with, climb the hills with. I want.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I don't want to tell you, I don't think I should.
But I want you to guess.
Ever get the feeling, that it isn't enough.

A certain situation is missing something?

An incomplete, uncomfortable feeling inside?

Like there should be a next step, a next level...

But you don't know what it is that would complete it?

Friday, June 13, 2008

I know, that everything that happens to me is my lesson, a lesson. It's just sometimes I can't see the trees for the forest. It's hard to remove myself, dissociate and observe what's happening to me from another perspective. I find that extremely difficult.
I suppose that it is normal to feel as though you don't know what to feel, don't know what to think, how to react..
I don't like being normal.
I just know now that this game has had its day, and I'm sick of making excuses for it. As much as I revel in the confusion and the drama, I think it's high time I stopped seeking it out. Or do a 'Demartini' and re-assess my priorities. Which is all very well to say, but pushing 'relationships' down to a lower rung on my priorities ladder isn't as easy as talking about doing it is, it is a stubborn demand, and my head has one million rational reasons why it is the most important.
I don't know, I feel a bit out of control of my life, like suddenly it's going in a direction I didn't entirely intend it to, and it's travelling fast.. Is this what turning twenty does to you? Or have I lost sight of what life is about? What is life about? Because if I really want to shift my priorities I need to stop answering "Love" to that question.
i just want to feel in control, like I have time on my side, my whole life ahead of me, not that there's a risk the rest of my life might be directionless and mundane, every day running into the next.
I've never felt so scared, and that in itself scares me more.