Sunday, September 30, 2007

BATTERED hearts breathe tonight
through one lung
the other cut up
but not floating

her stomach was bloated
but it's only air
he didn't even notice she was there

one look revealed she didn't belong
with kisses thrown
and caught
on sticky sleeves

she was his

hands clasping
fingers grasping
at stability glimpsed but gone
and fall down the stairs

it's early
but tonight
it's a peck a fortune
and not knowing all that lied just below his skin
she ripped it off.

I am nothing, just a mirror in the palm of your hand,reflecting your kindness, your sadness, your anger.
Rumi - Hidden Music

Friday, September 28, 2007

Who knows what she keeps within her handbag?
Or what she becomes when you turn away
Can you trust that if you leave her
She will stay?
And wait for you hungrily
Are you her only feed
If you could not follow
Would she still insist she lead -
To trip and crack her skull
But not bleed.

"He hung like a dead spider, just as he'd hung
All the time she'd dealt with him.
I thought it must be over. So now, I thought
I see the murder.
They are hidden. Is she devouring him now?"

Hughes - Eclipse
I am a whole, my strength my weakness
Complete in all that made me
I will cry
Only tears of blood tonight
Here you see me stripped

I fall to my knees
For noone but you
Noone but myself
I deserve my forgiveness
I will understand

If my knees should graze
I will rise so fast
In one moment out of my head
It won't matter
Nothing really does.

I will not suffocate my thoughts
Any longer
But they are gone all the same
You are me
More parts than I ever could have imagined.
It's a sign
It's a sign
You will not listen
Nor hear
These words speak to me

From pages
From pictures
From the sky
Listen or you'll die
They won't leave me

They scream
Screams of murder
In horrible ways
Revenge for sins

Don't gorge my eyes out
I see
Don't bleed my ears dry
I hear
They don't listen
They close their eyes

God's will could not remove their hands
The forces of the Universe
Could not make them hear
A song that seems so desperately inconceivable
Their hearts are shut from fear
They are not ready

I will not doubt what I know.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Oh I can love you through this anger, I love you through this pain. Don't think they strip my love away. I promised it unconditionally, it's still there for now..Nothing is forever though... You can push me, you do. But though I sway I will not falter, and I hate showing you my human fault but there it is for all to see. My strength is that I beat it down. In front of you maybe. I am so strong now, it will take double the force to knock me down. This new found power is my own and with it I can love and I don't need to be loved in return. But I will be. I can care, but I don't need anyone to care for me but myself. But they will. Everything I ever desired came to me, and it always will.

"I am the lost child
of the wind
Who goes through me looking for something else
Who can't recognise me though I cry"

Hughes - Robin Song


I forgive you

For not knowing what you do
For hurting
For being dead inside

I forgive you

For all you did to me through another
For all the pain you caused
And suffered
I will forget

I forgive you
For not smiling
For being things that I could not be
For not being better than me
For not being me
For not wanting
For taking anyway

I forgive you

I forgive you
Because you aren't there yet
Because you might not ever get there
For making me ill
I don't mind
I give you my forgiveness
But I won't pity you

I forgive you
For all that you cannot see
But I can
For being loved
I forgive you

I forgive you
For being who you are
For hating you
I forgive myself

I forgive you
For the scars you wear
For the scars you caused upon others
For making me stronger
I thank you

I forgive you tonight
And always
For not being enough
For not being good enough
For being too much
For being everything
For being nothing
For taking it from me
For keeping it when I would not take it back
I forgive you

For your fear
For your soulless body
For your dead eyes
For your saintliness
For your sins

I forgive you

I forgive you for hurting me
For hurting him I cannot.

"Man and woman's bodies lay without souls
Dully gaping, foolishly staring, inert
On the flowers of Eden
God pondered"

Hughes - A Childish Prank

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

As I sat in the rain, my bench at the top of my park, two tears, two tears is all I'll let drop. And smile up at the bright sky, and thank the situations that test my rebuilt strength. And refuse to be a fool. And ignore the feelings instead of try understand. Because I would never be able to. And brace myself, and repeat, I am strong.

I am strong, I am loved, I am free.

Yes it's all true. I can't account for anyone's choices but mine are all my own.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

THe word

"Be impeccable with you word"

Is it trust, do we trust too much? Are we too open of heart? Is it discretion, do we not possess it? Or does the fault simply lay with the ones we confess to. If we do not hold them as sins are they sins nonetheless? If we confess them are they gone?

I have a tendency to tell anyone anything, they only need ask. I can keep anyone's secrets but my own. Maybe that is why my heart disguises its truths even from me, for I would expose them. The only thoughts and feelings I cannot speak are those I cannot yet verbalise

Monday, September 24, 2007

Penance, forgiveness, love

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage"

Lao Tzu
Does love make everything right?
They say.. for the sins of others, there should be forgiveness. For your own sins, there should be penance. And I agree. But it's hard to give and not expect in return, it's hard to love unconditionally. Oh it's the hardest thing in the world.
If you don't have what you want...Learn to love what you have.
It's so hard to put it all in motion...

Friday, September 21, 2007

We train ourselves and others to be treated and to treat us in a certain way. Why then do we turn around and protest? If we feel trapped, there is always a way out, if you are willing to bear the consequences. And if not, you stay. You open your eyes and realise that you are only trapped because of how you perceive the situation. That to someone else you may be enjoying pure freedom. And slowly, it doesn't seem so bad anymore, slowly, you start to change and in turn, those things around you change. You choose the turmoil you put your head through, and one day.. you just don't choose it anymore.
When the pain of longing is too much, it is then that we must bear the suffering more. I still do not know why I attract pain in my unique form, and so I keep looking, I am not one to give up, but we each have our weaknesses. Sometimes they aren't defined though, and we end up wondering. Then do we follow our mind or our hearts? because my heart always wins, there is not even a struggle. And I am grateful that my memory is weak, I know I have developed it as a self-defence mechanism. My eyes are opened wider, and see clearer, but sometimes I still don't see the truth. Or do I see truth denied, I know not. I know what I want to do, I do not know yet what I need to do.
let me kiss away your tears
let me consume all your fears
let you hold me in your arms
and not let go
let me need you so much
that i melt under your touch
let me sing to your pieces
let me undo your disease
and look you in the eyes
what i see in my dreams
i am in you
but forever is telling me
that it might be too soon
If you want me, want me completely
Not this undecided love.
For though my thoughts have stopped,
My heart has not.

'If I have seen further than others, it is simply because I have stood on the shoulders of great teachers.' The Monk who sold his Ferrari

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

i will not chase you
i will let you come to me
and if you don't come back
i'll assume that you are free
Can you love someone and not even know it?
Can you love more than one person at the same time?
I can't make you see anything you don't want to see
But I won't stand here and watch you destroy yourself

Saturday, September 15, 2007

stagnant souls won't breathe for me tonight
stagnant souls, they own me
stagnant souls know I won't put up a fight
stagnant souls control me


I chase sensation, I see that now. That the root of my inbalance lies in my pursuit of pleasure, and my short-lived satisfaction. I see it even in the material world, I take 5-6 sugars in my tea -I can't taste anything less. My senses are dull and I am slave to them. It's never enough. I verge on the border of hedonism, my life is a dedicated chase of pleasure, which when found does not last...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

the worries of the night couldn't stop me from this dream-filled sleep so i'll sleep and wait for you and hope you aren't dead in the morning like my dreams of you and struggle to bring back your face to my head and smile as you fade and return changed under a different moon to kiss me in the name of some different constellation and wait for it to come true.
you drift as though designed, through my mind and i wait for some god-creature to plant your feet on the ground that i might know you - wait for him to let me in and i will accept no substitutes for you are tied to a tower that cannot be crashed by even planes, in my brain, where you live and your earthly twin touches me instead and doesn't want to hurt me like you couldn't - and he wouldn't if he knew you - but you are only there when i close my eyes and i can't close them all the time so i sleep instead, rest my head, on his chest and arms to hold me tight tonight till the light wakes me crawling on my face a spider in its wake to bite and infect me kill me and bring me to you like you won't come to me for in death we will be together eternally - it isn't enough - and if you aren't i will buy my ticket back to breath and air, don't suck out my lungs it isn't fair not to let me change my mind - some of the time - but i don't know where to go if you don't follow or keep my thoughts warm then another must keep where you sat or stood or laid weren't you lonely up there without me or lonelier if i should come and leave, my decisions will not stand it is not in my creed to be stable do you possess everyone's mind or just mine you seem to be here all of the time do you sleep when i sleep for when i wake your eyes haunt me again a pain that feels good while it lasts but i will not pursue again.
do you believe my intentions i surrender to you and lift my hands but you can't lift me you are weak weaker than me but i need to believe in your honesty we all believe too late give up too soon i am a different woman eyes closed under that moon that you sit above how high and if there is no way down this mortal existence takes its toll on me you will receive me old and worn will you love me do you even love me now. your mortal twin he hears my sin he swallows my pride he eats me alive you will have his hand-me-downs his hands have touched me all over all over and i pretended it was you and imagination is strong and imagination can be wrong what a disaster that he gets my heart beating faster he's everything i want he just isn't you.
"and if i lie, i lie because i love you,
because i'm bothered by the things i do"
my friend, my friend - anne sexton

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Life is about happiness. It should be as simple as that but it isn’t, it’s about ultimate, secure happiness, not temporary satisfaction or pleasure. In other words, I suppose you could say “santosa”. It’s about the happiness of oneself, the happiness of the ones you love and care for, it’s about love, and about understanding and learning too.

Understanding and learning break ignorance, yet very often ‘ignorance is bliss’ so this can be a troubling concept at times. Why do we need to understand more if it only leads to more questions, more confusion, and unsettling emotions? I don’t claim to know all the answers, but just because I don’t - or science doesn’t - doesn’t mean there isn’t a natural explanation. I’m not prepared to write it all off to some supernatural force just yet.

I do think at times that things ‘happen for a reason’. Yet whether this is a deep-set belief or not, I’m not so sure. And as for where morality comes from, I’m not sure at all. As I said, I don’t have the answers…It drives me crazy just thinking about all the possibilities. And worst of all is the frustration of not knowing, but I refuse to believe something based on someone else’s testimony or conviction.

I do believe that we can be happy without thinking we have a divine purpose, divine intervention in our lives, or the possibility of more lives after this one..but I haven’t been home a few hours and I’m being tested already: My hook-up just “broke up” with me; he’s confused, he doesn’t want to hurt me again. Excuses, excuses, I know it’s because my unwavering happiness is being tested.

I’ve known for a while now that I have to learn to be alone: not boyfriend-less, but completely alone, no hook-ups at all. But I wasn’t going to break them off…seems it’s happening for itself. If there are such things as signs…well I suppose this would qualify. He was the last one left.

I know already that I’ve grown in the last few months, or at least returned back to my old self: this time I didn’t cry, though I felt like crying certainly. It was an emotional day as it were, without this additional stress. However, I bore in mind that we control our emotions, and am not allowing myself to feel any emptiness at all. My happiness does not depend on him or any other person or thing external to me. My happiness does not depend on relying on some supernatural being to be there for me and look out for me, it depends on myself, knowing myself and trusting myself.

I don’t desire stagnant happiness, but other than happiness I cannot think of a deeper meaning to life. It’s something I’ve pondered for a while, and I know I’m only young - as anyone will be quick to point out – so maybe I shall find a deeper meaning one day, when I have children, or get married, or something equally dramatic and life-changing happens. But for now I am happy as I am and content with what I do know. That which I do not know I am open to finding out, if it is possible. I’m not closing my mind to other possibilities, although constancy is settling and change unnerving. But I am not scared, I’m not closed-minded, I don’t have a mental-block. I just know what I do and don’t believe in, and it was not a rash decision, for years I toyed with the idea of being a plaything of the gods. I just happen to think I have reached the end of the road on that particular issue, that I have drawn my conclusions, logically and rationally. I am not one for blind faith.

Three hours later and it seems I have had another sign, a friend of mine just left my house, depressed and forlorn, although less so than he was when he arrived. Why do we let break-ups affect us so much? I told him what I was telling myself – we feel what we want to. And more than ever I see that happiness is the aim of life.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007