Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
When I was younger, I spent hours every day researching song lyrics. Not only because I wanted to sing along... also because I earnestly believed that every single song I listened to had a meaning. Not several possible meanings, not an implied meaning, not an interpretation, but one single solid and specific meaning, a no-nonsense factual paragraph that every song could be reduced to. I have given up on this ideal. Although I still find myself looking up lyrics of songs that make my heart pang, I no longer spend hours debating and analysing exactly what the song-writer meant. Even if I still fully believed it was true that a song-writer had one specific intention and meaning in mind when he wrote the song, interpreting laws and legislation has taught me that that meaning is impossible to extract. Somewhere deep within the layers and levels of my thinking and beliefs though, some small part of this ideology remains, and it seems that it rears itself in my social interactions.
I do not know if everyone is like me, if everyone wants there to be a specific meaning for every action, a reason for everything, a logical rational link. I do not even know why I still insist on looking for these things, when I know my own actions do not adhere to this logic. If my own actions do not adhere, and I want them to, then what of other people's actions, when they do not even attempt to function from a plateau of logic. I think I missed my calling, I should have pursued logic, not law. The two seem to be mutually exclusive.
My point follows. If I know my ideals, and have tried to give them up, then why am I constantly disappointed by people's actions when they do not adhere to the logical actions I had pre-mapped in my head? I know I like to be in control. I know some traces of my ideals remain. Are these the answers? I just seem to feel people's lacks more acutely than others, seem to be more sensitive to people's pitfalls, more expectant, more hurt, more disappointed. Over-sensitivity gets you nowhere, I have learnt this from observing people close to me. Being over sensitive merely leaves you vulnerable to the unwitting attack of the insensitive. And this world is populated by the insensitive, possibly because the over-sensitive do not survive. We perish.
I must conclude that I am not more open to attack, but more perceptive of it. I dance on the line between desiring ignorance and needing to know everything. Neither side is healthy, but I know which side can stop me feeling the way I do. I just can't let myself go there. They say you can't break the habit of a lifetime... I don't think that is true. But I do think you need to want to change it. And again I repeat, as it always echoes through my head, that I cannot choose ignorance. So I must be acutely aware of people's shortcomings. Having decided that this is inevitable, I am brought back to coming to terms with such shortcomings. And to forgive, I have always needed to understand. I do not believe that blind forgiveness, or blind faith, is true. Some might argue the complete opposite, but it is this belief that leaves me religion-less. Nobody who thinks like I do can believe in religion.
All I find are questions, and I am still learning to embrace them. Please bear with me, I can accept I am learning. But other people preach forgiveness and tolerance to me, and do not see their own hypocrisy. I detest mine, and seek to correct it. And that is one more step than them.
"How darkly the dark hand met his end
He was withered and bony, exposed for a phoney
But we heed the last words that he penned
Haste to disgrace the traitor. Do not wait till later
I don't think that you've got to pretend
I see God in birds and Satan in long words
But I know what you need in a friend
So now when I leave you, I hope I won't see you"
Brand New - Sink
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Love is selfish. Do not tell me a healthy love is not. I want him all for myself, shamelessly, and will not share him even with the sea. I wish to be his only passion, I dream fruitlessly that that could be enough.
I wait for him, but waiting is hard, No - Impossible. What tides my heart over is knowing that if he were to choose, he would choose the empty space next to me. But if he would not choose that space, my waiting is meaningless. Love is lonely.
I am impatient for him to return to me and ease the strain of waiting... I do not want to wait alone, nor be the only one who waits. Love is impatient, so am I.
In expecting perfection and meeting with something less, lies the problem. But I am literally blind to his flaws, if he possesses any. He is not blind to mine. Love is judgmental.
Love is unkind to me, for it renders me so helpless to its call, so dependant on its symptoms. I have not ever suffered as I suffer from Love.
Love is mortal, but I own the philosophers stone.
Love is human, and sometimes, Love is not enough. Not enough to keep us from crying, not enough to keep us from dying. Not enough to insulate us, nor keep us safe, not always enough to heal wrongs completely. But it is enough for him to forgive me and forget how I have failed him.
Good intentions and a pure heart alone cannot keep this love above water. Apologies and long talks and back-tracking and regret will keep my Love strong where Love leaves me weak and dazed.
I fail - I misplace my words and his passion, my emotion overrides my logic and my Love hurts him. Not from lack of Love, but rather too much - from spinning out of control with selfishness, impatience and loneliness and creating a Lovewind of destruction. Love fails, and it destroys.
But I know, my love is perfect.
It is big enough to swallow it's weaknesses and still emerge glorious, divine, almighty. My Love is my God, I dance around him and dare not dwell on his imperfections for fear that he will break me for my lack of faith. To him I am true and I give everything I have. To him I surrender myself, it is him I believe in.
Perfection does not mean without imperfections, but the ability to rise above them unbroken.
This Love cannot be broken.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 05, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I had always trusted any eyes I permitted to read these words…
My heart spilled out before you.
But other regret has reached me of late; for trusting too much, for being undiscerning with my trust…Should these words be regretted too? I only regret the worst of things.
I had not seen myself as guarded with my emotions, I prefer to voice them. But they are not always welcomed.
Please. Give me no more reason to spill tears instead of words. I have lost too many friendships. And although I am adept at walking away it does not mean that I savour it. I wish that I could trust everyone who I choose to call my friend, I wish that people so named would not let me down. But I cannot, and they do. There is nothing to be done for it, except wait and see who lasts, and trust those who seem to last in the meantime. It is all temporary, I have long since come to terms with this, but never with the feeling of disappointment that lingers somewhere within me.
Another friend has gone, and I know not whether to fight for this one, or let it go. On the one hand, I am sorry, and I do not wish this split to be permanent. But on the other hand, everyone makes their choices, and he has made his. When you choose to consort with someone who is out to hurt a loved one, does it not serve to speak for itself? More than this, if I cannot trust that what I say to you will not be transferred to those who wish to use it against me, I cannot speak to you. I choose to comment no more. I miss you. But I will not expose myself to danger.
Another friend I chased today, despite myself.
Because some concessions must be made for the one you love most fiercely.
And so I concede, and chase those who may not deserve to be chased. I reach out to protect another, I have long since been too hurt to bear any chance of salvage from this source. I would rather cut loose, rather have no ties to those who wish to hurt me and bring me down. I do not know which is the right path.
I do not enjoy speaking in specifics…
But I can put myself in your shoes, and understand where you come from. And if I can do this, then I can forgive you. But if I cannot, I find it hard to believe that you are worth my forgiveness. Yes, my world does revolve around me, and those who create an extension of me. Yes, I am the most important person in my life, I have no shame for feeling this way, I am not embarrassed of the lengths I will go to to protect myself. If you are not the most important person in your life, maybe it is you who should reconsider your value system, because I consciously choose not to reconsider mine.
So it has been said, whose eyes will read this I know not. But I know that fewer eyes will understand it. But I beg you to try.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
It's the infinite waiting.
It's the clock who seems to move his hands to his own time, and often to spite you.
Why do we choose this?
Do we choose this misguided fate, or just accept it?
...There is nothing more to do when one's heart is weak from loving.
There is no body to comfort me at night.
Just an ethereal voice who comes when I call.
If I were to smile - or cry - would this voice know?
Nobody knows the torture of an unsure mind like I do.
Nor the torture of the silent waiting.
It is said every lover feels alone in his love and pain - but mine, mine is unique.
Am I the first to feel so?
I am not the only one who greets each day with the hope that her loved one will return, but it feels as though I were.
I am a selfish lover, and where once I would train myself out of this, today I am proud.
There is no greater love than that which defies distance, time, and persuasion.
Sometimes it is no help to write and coax the pain from behind your eyes to dance afront them.
And so, I have not written.
For fear that he would read my fears and see a bleeding heart where it is just scratched,
I have not written.
For fear of him seeing me falter in weakness,
For fear of tricking him into guilt,
I have not written.
For fear of being alone.
I have always said that we are sent lessons.
I will yet conquer my greatest fear.
I will yet craft beauty from my heartache and confusion.
I will yet rise above everything you see written here,
To claim the only love I have ever really wanted
He is Mine.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
To be apart?
|'Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow;|
He who would search for pearls must dive below.'
All for Love
Monday, June 08, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
If my nausea prevails
To someone who was stronger
Have I failed you?
Or is it not my fault that it is not me to whom you turn?
I am uncertain
I have no desire to know what has gone before
But the roots, you kept from me
I would rather know
From where this sprang
So I could understand
Exactly how this began
And where to end it
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I have been wearing your smell
I have been sat here waiting
Surrounded by people and alone
Where are you?
I have been keeping my eyes blinkered. And my mouth shut.
I have been living in your voice
and it is failing to be enough
I have been picking fights with my loved ones
Because they are not you
I have become clumsy
Because I miss your touch
Why did you leave me?
My heart feels orphaned
And I will say none of this to you
Until you return for certain
Your photograph is dog-eared and outstared
And I need you closer
I need to see my name form on your lips,
Not just hear it
All my other senses are failing me
When will you return to me?
And when you return do you promise
To love me more than you did when you left?
Because I will need you to.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
We have to know what is right, and what is wrong.
But do we ever?
How then can we ever judge another, to what standards could we possibly hold them to?
Some imagined standards in our own minds or souls?
Do such standards exist?
Are the pious closer?
For they claim to be
And judge more than anyone
Are the judges and the courts closer?
It is to them and their almighty knowledge to which I aspire
Yet all they can do,
Is adhere to rules drafted by another
And are criticized for their own input
Subject to human error
We can never be the judge of another,
For our own ideals could never be imposed upon any one other than ourselves.
If we create for ourselves what is right, and what is wrong
The best we can do,
Is try to align ourselves to our own ideals
Instead, we try to align others
Here is where I make my fatal mistake
I can never be the judge.
I must not be the judge.
I aspire to become the objective observer
What more could I aspire to?
Saturday, May 09, 2009
How to stop crying, when I get sensitive (how to harden my soul?)
And whether, when it seems like anger is the ONLY cure, there is one more; or how to stop losing my temper (how to soften my soul?)
This delicate balance evades me when I am distressed...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
It has come to my attention that there are certain things in life which are worth every second of conscious and unconscious thought.
Plain and simple, you are those thoughts and only you. I have also discovered what it means to love and be loved. I have discovered what it means to have someone so close to my heart and soul that they can climb inside and light a fire. Not just any little camp fire but a raging waterfall of fire! I cant tell you how glad I am that this kind of raging fire cannot be extinguished. It will continue burning for as far as I can see!
I trust that the aforementioned thoughts are in your best interests and that you will take to heart, my feelings.
Kind Regards and Volee at the top of my lungs, Mr Duncan *******
PS. You are the only thing I think of when the word Beautiful comes to mind
We could be sinking into the jaws of some giant
Who puts all the elements on hold,
And puts our days on pause
Bright fire orange!
It must be the very pits of his soul we have reached
And the last few clouds, scratchmarks in the sky.
Like some desperate attempt of the sun to escape
Your eyes, like the top of the sky turned three times brighter and bluer
The baby blue descending on the orange
And the moon, the giant's eye, a slit
In the moment before he sleeps
Like he wants one last glimpse of his lover
Before sleep catches him and takes his sight
Some desperate attempt to dream of her
If she is the last thing he catches sight of
One little slit, before he can't hold it any longer
Sunday, April 19, 2009
To pull me up on mistakes
that are one in a hundred
Is it fair
To fail me on things you weren't testing me on
I am scared
You scare me so
And this heavy sinking feeling in my stomach
Might pull me down and drown me
If you don't save me
If you know I am not selfish
why do you pull me up on things that make me selfish
When it is a weak point of mine
When I constantly wonder if I am selfish or not
And you are the one who needs to reassure me
You do but everytime you did now means nothing
Because of what you just said
Why do you remember things that I do not
Why do you cry more than me
And make me feel guilty
For crying and making you feel guilty
And for your tears
But you're so pretty when you cry
I just want to be perfect to you
The only person who I need to be perfect for
But you call me imperfect
I am so weak for loving you
So weak for forgiving you
I will forgive you one thousand times
Without you asking
I fear I may have to beg for yours
and one thousand times I will upset you
Because of my mistakes
Do I make them too often
Or do you just wait for them
My heart, it is heavy
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
On what do we base our decisions?
- On what is most important to us...?
What if what is most important today isn't as important to us tomorrow?
- On something stable?
Can we trust anything to remain so?
How do I advise my lover when my heart is too much in it and I cannot bear to be without him, but I love him so much that I need him to make the right choice?
I feel as though I am the obstacle that hinders the situation I now assess.
Of one thing I am certain, that we will be together.
But does this make for foolish decision making?
Is this a wise base for him or me to make our decisions on, yet?
I am scared. But not scared.
We are getting older.
What do I do?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I know I am just over-tired
But little rifts feel like earthcrackwars
My earth may crack open
I find my numbness in the television
But I know it cannot save me from tomorrow
and that time is running away with me
Why do they choose now to argue me?
I don't know
Why does he choose now to leave me overdramaticallyalone?
I pull him, knowing full well his anchorboat is moored
But I pull him all the same
I cannot help myself, it is my game, to hurt myself to see who saves me
The night is hollow, my legs tingle, my back is stiff
The house is empty. But who knows and who looks for me this darktonight?
Whose shoes am I filling, have I not learnt my lesson yet?
and why does my puppetmaster not release me
I chase my dreams to escape, in wakefulness I chase my sleep
to comfort me for the day has not enough hours to settle me
and i have closed the pressurelid upon myself
and it is you who test me, but i have not understood yet
what is it you wish to see, my pass or my fail?
my day has been long - longer than yours because mine has run for two endless weeks with wings and my mind imploring me not to fail myself. or answer to my Regret. I fear him.
I fear his unloving eyes and harsh words - that need no hearing -
they speak straight to my brain
some direct poison to put me to sleep quickly
so I do not feel the pain.
For this long week, my tears flow easily now
and in knowing this, I must equate my tears
- to you and your preoccupation
- to you and your anger
- to you and your thoughtlessness
I only need to know you are thinking of me.... it satisfies me to know the thought is there. Half the time I don't need the action. Just fight for me. I need to feel I am worth it. this is what i need.
But you? what do you need?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A few things, recently, and none with too much connection to the real world. I don't want any of you to worry.
Boredom has been reverberating, in my head, not the feeling, but the word instead. We have talked - it is often in discussion which I become aware of my own true feelings first... My thoughts are not structured like my speech must be.
Getting to know someone is wonderful, exciting, brilliant! This, we have always known. But once that stage is over, I am learning, there is something left. The residue, if you bear it out... Not all relationships are worth bearing of course, with some, the thrill dies and takes with it the meaning. But with others, the thrill dies and leaves you with something quite different... a true friend. Someone who knows you, and still stays. Who can make you smile, but annoy you more than anyone else because they are supposed to be different. Someone who you expect more from, but sometimes get less... Then the moment you settle with expecting less, they surprise you by giving you tenfold. Yes, a friend. Someone who you can share your woes with, until they're sick of it and tell you to shut up - because they know they still have to bear seeing you tomorrow.
Loyalty, friendship, trust... These things remain and these must replace the original thrill. It doesn't matter whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship. This is another of my theories, maybe, but my theories shape my world and I love my world! I believe, it is in changing your perspective, and the way you view it, that the next stage becomes exciting too. Like those multi-coloured crystals where you see a different colour from every different angle... Some colours you may not like... Some colours you may tire of.
Another thing, maybe not on the same strain, has been relationships, and their end. Say you do get bored, or something changes, you don't want to be in the relationship anymore... If it is romantic, can you just let go? If you don't want to hurt the other person, but you know they will be lost without you, what choice do you have? I don't know. Is this why so many people end up in relationships out of obligation? I don't know. I have never felt obligated before. And I hope I never will.
And friendships? My good friend says, can you break-up a friendship? If you are sick of your friend, if she serves you no more, can you dump her and not have to see her again? Why do the ties differ? In my experience it is wise to keep your loved ones close even after they start hurting you, because we all go through cycles, and they will come back, and when they do you will scorn yourself for ever considering letting them go. It differs because it is not monagamous, you can develop another friendship while you wait for this one. You can wait. You can.
I am back to asking questions and I have accepted it. I have accepted that my questions do not need, or do not have answers. This is what I have learnt. I have learnt to look at myself from outside of my head, and not judge. I do not call myself good, or bad, for in labelling anything you hinder your ability to fix it, or understand it, or accept it, do you not?
I love my questions, I love my illnesses. It seems foolish, but things I have not understood I am slowly understanding. I am understanding the new-age saying... "love your illness", this is why I love teaching, for in teaching my students I learn. That is how I am, I learn through teaching, through explaining I have always come to understand myself. Maybe this is because my subconscious rules my voice and my conscious rules my thoughts, I do not know. But in loving my questions, and my illnesses, I can begin to comprehend what it is they are trying to teach me.
I live, I love, I learn. I learn through loving, because to help people, to help myself not to hurt people, I seek to understand, and any small thing I understand is progress for me. I can be patient, I can be the most patient person in the world, but I can also be the most impatient.
"You came suddenly... and stole, the patience from my heart" [Rumi]
I can be the calmest person in the world, but I can be the angriest. But I do always want to understand my loved ones, I do always want to know how they work.
Is this over-thinking? Why does my mind speak to me tonight when it has not spoken to me for so long? Why are my words flowing easy, like they did years ago? I hope my illness is not returning, I hope the good I have trained into myself is not departing...
No. I worry too much, this is nothing bad, for look, I have forgotten my own lesson and have labelled it. Not expressly, but by connotations.
I repent, I accept my thoughts and my ramblings, to you my readers, whose faces change but my audience remains the same to me, some silent, some loud, some loving, some curious, some wise, some misguided. It is not for you whom I write, but for myself, these words are only displayed here to feed my hungry eyes, not yours. But my thoughts are to share with you all, I was always a person liable to care too much. It is neither good nor bad.