Well I wrote your name and burned it,
See the color of the flame.
And it burned out the whole spectrum,
As if you were everything.
Mine just burned gold,
A normal flame.
I am not anything.

Brand New - Untitled One

My second mind has this song on repeat. 

I will not surrender, nor will I admit defeat. 

You have not won. 

You have not won.

I will not let you win.

O’er my sins thou sit and moan:
Hast thou no sins of thy own?
O’er my sins thou sit and weep, 
And lull thy own sins fast asleep.

William Blake

Slowly

Slowly

(or was it so fast that she did not notice?)

He ate her every resistance

Her futile attempts to avoid

His humble observations

Resulted in a crash of colossal proportions

Eventually,

Nothing but dust remained

Of all she had ever loved or created

Or owned or desired

And, left with him only

She began to die

Slowly

"After all, tomorrow is another day."

Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

I choose happiness

Bella Notte

Oh, this is the night, it's a beautiful night
And we call it bella notte
Look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes
On this lovely bella notte

Side by side with your loved one
You'll find enchantment here
The night will weave its magic spell
When the one you love is near

Oh this is the night, and the heavens are right
On this lovely bella notte!

Lady and the Tramp – Disney

The beauty of life is in spending it with those you love.

For me, it does not matter where.

“I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes,

then I met a man who was dead”

Persian proverb

These are moments which may never be repeated,

do not waste them wishing , longing you were elsewhere.

It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away.

Coldplay – Strawberry Swing

And they say life is what you make it. They are right. There is one secret in life, and that is that, with very few exceptions, only one person holds the key to your happiness. And that person is you. You hold the sole power to decide how you feel, how you are… If we hold an internal locus of control, external circumstances are limited in their ability to touch us.

I forgot, I let go of control, I let it all get the better of me.

Sometimes the best advice is hidden in the advice we give to others.

So I have decided…

I choose happiness.

darkness

Darkness swallows
My tears
But why won't it take my fears?
They swallow me instead.

[just a thought]

but

Slowly
Glance
Out of one eye
One toe forward
Retreat
One step
One and a half forward

Hesitant
Afraid
Wary

Trust me
I will look after you

but

How will she know this one is for real?

[just a thought]

.

I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down no I am not gonna let this get me down I am not I am not going to I am not I am not gonna let this get me down no no no no I am not gonna let this get me down no I will not I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down I am not gonna let this get me down .......


.... besides that's what they want anyway
to see me down

[just a thought]

I need

I need time to sit and think.
my world has become identical days strung together
and time ticks by

have I changed at all in six years?

maybe I have done full circle on myself.

I need to sit and talk this out

I need to write poetry
if it's pretty it will free me
I need to carve something beautiful
out of my confusion
and re-feed it back into my brain
to give me a better outlook
I need.

[just a thought]

a voice

I have been sworn to silence, my world. I am a bird who cannot sing. will you listen to me, blank pages? empty world? will you hear the weight of my heart, help me lighten it? I am not strong enough to hold it all up on my own... I need someone to listen, but I need someone who will understand.

maybe only my own ears are suitable to hear my mind spoken out loud.

[just a thought]

if and if not

where honesty is a policy best left unpursued, life can become a meaningless void of things almost said, of heavy sensations in the chest, of ill feelings disguised as normal behaviour, silent resentment, and the sometimes slow process of forgetting.

"I expected friendship from my friends
How mistaken were my notions of these trends.
When will the tree of friendship bear fruit?
I have planted seeds of many strains & blends." hafiz

[just a thought]

if and if not

where honesty is a policy best left unpursued, life can become a meaningless void of things almost said, of heavy sensations in the chest, of ill feelings disguised as normal behaviour, silent resentment, and the sometimes slow process of forgetting.

who will cave first and who will be right?

[just a thought]

sometimes

when you love someone enough...
their enemies become yours.

[just a thought]

 

Day one

Feel like I've travelled halfway across the world in the last month. The rains in Queensland, snow in Tehran, desert in Dubai. There's still nowhere like home.

First day of real work and everyone seems relaxed. What a relief. Have my own office and I'm working under the boss. I can see life stretch out in front of me though and I know already I could not do this forever. I have aspirations. My end goal I know but I'm still working out which stepping stones are solid.

This year will be crazy. I'm still reserving the making of my new years resolutions. Gonna need them as my ace card. Got hdip dissertation and law school/ board exams and The job. Let's just hope I soldier on as usual and don't let it affect me... I want to be the best i can be at what I have chosen to do, not just mediocre.

These things in life I won't sacrifice
My family including my boy
My real friends
My dreams
My future
My education
My time

I am doing this to learn, not just about the trade but about myself and what I want and like.

I drafted two summons and a will, sat in on a consult and worked on a legal opinion.

Beautiful African sunset on the way home, after the worst rains ever... The sun revealed itself as a blazing ball of burn, the sky was streaked with purple strokes... Perfect ending

Trip to the Randburg Mag Court only to find the file we need is not filed, and the woman behind the counter rudely tells us that she will not look for it, loose files are not her deal. Welcome to South Africa. Watching our associate not blink upon hearing this, whilst knowing her client will again be disappointed having waited half a year already just to have their default judgment effected inspired RESOLUTION ONE:

 

Patience. Elaboration to follow.

 

Next we visited the HUGE law firms to serve a pleading. Huge yes. Beautiful, impressive, wow. Do I wish I was working there? I don’t know, certainly it was my dream and my vision. If I considered it for two minutes it was eradicated by the next visit.

 

The advocates chambers… not in grimy central Joburg but the classiest part of Sandton. And I am certain that is what I want to do.

 

Lunch at the fancy bistro across the square with most of the office, and convo turned to advocates. Impressive ones can keep their calm, never get flustered. Water off a duck’s back. Resolution one confirmed. I resolve to be calm, deal with less intelligent people without raising an eyebrow. I will try and control my temper. Teach myself slowly. This is a weakness. Nothing must ruffle me. Or else I can give up dreams of becoming an advocate… kiss that designer tower with its own coffee shop and duck egg blue wallpaper goodbye…

 

I have more resolutions, but I need to think about them.

 

Did training on how to bill, and spent two hours at candidate attorney lunch. Got BW to sign my form, he seems nice J Finished my work and was told to go home at 4:30. Gonna make the most of it, cause in a few weeks my life will be a living hell! Enjoying the work though, but I have to learn more attention to detail. Something which plagues me. Have always been more of a concept person. It will be RESOLUTION TWO for sure. Attention to fine detail, when listening and when acting. Focus minutely on the job at hand, review things many time not automatically but sensibly.

 

Day two. Tomorrow schools start so traffic will be hell.

 

 

Hafiz says

"O God where is the one who knows and sees
To open up the secrets that in my heart are jailed.
It was not fair to punish my godly heart
With abuse, my heart bitterly cried and wailed.
If I was deprived in my longing, say naught
Kindness of fate from this hardship, none bailed."

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

comparison

It is only by comparison which we fail. in our own rights we are perfect.

Sometimes we cannot exist through functions of desire alone.

It is through our differences that we experience the world.

I am inseparable from my faults.

please do not blame me for that which is beyond my control, please try to understand my differences and appreciate that we all have unsatisfactory parts. I am like no other. I do not want to be at all like anyone else. please do not compare me. I am not the same as anyone.

My hands are tied.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

He asked which way the wind blew

Not knowing he was too light to fight it

And like a flower takes flight to

Scatter it's seeds

He was thrust by a gust, into the weeds

Upon surface, he asked no more questions