Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What are you, my boyfriend's brothers girlfriend, or my friend?
Does a friend leave her friend lonely and upset?
And not allowed to be upset or lonely or angry, because you are too nice, and everyone knows it.
So then why are you not nice to me?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Is it ignorance, or inexperience, that breeds jealousy? For I agree it breeds contempt. Although to accept superiority can be harder than it seems on face value: Sometimes it is comfortable to know your place in the jungle, below your stronger inmates... and in the cities, below your elders; but this cannot always work, age does not always present wisdom, No, I am sorry it does not. It should. But you have not seen what I have seen, and you have seen things that I haven't that have tainted you differently... and so in these aspects I am matured. And if you did not hurt others I would attribute you the same maturity. But you do hurt them. And not see the truth. So I have to accept my authority.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Thoughts on innocence

Animals and kids I get along with, they like me. If there are kids or animals in the room, they're probably next to me: It's easy with them, I give them love, and they love me back. Simple as that. No secret, no talent or knack for it, they just flock to the person who gives them love and attention.

Guess that's why adults confuse me, because with adults, it isn't like that. You can give an adult love till you're blue in the face, and they might not realise it, or like you. Because somewhere in the process of growing-up we are taught that just because someone loves you, it doesn't make them a good person. Or mean that you have to love them back. What a pity...

Must be that there are more factors to consider when you're grown, but for me, I would rather follow the innocent thought pattern of a child, or the non-existent thought pattern of a dog. If I reciprocate what I recieve from a person, my world should be balanced. I don't suppose even I follow this mantra though, because I have wasted so much love on people who do not return it. Whereas if I were a child, or an animal, I would long since have avoided them.

How curious, the nature of the human.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Why do you keep a friendship which hurts you?
In memory of what it once was,
Or in hope that it will be fixed?
I don't know.
This is mine because you, you can't touch it
And I will say what I please
I will talk my uninterrupted flow of speech
and not have to divert for your interjections
That is what you see here.

Friday, January 16, 2009

And more

I seek to understand, those who cross my path, those who fill my life. I want to know what drives them, what makes them tick, their desires, their wants, needs, passions, thoughts...

I don't know, how much of this goal I achieve, how much I truly understand, for when I do, or think I do, still so much surprises me and evades me.

My parents taught me, that no one has your back like your family, but my family let me down. So, my immediate family, they have my back, yes, but they are few and I cannot tell them everything, if I could would they still support me as they do now?

I always differed, always wished to believe that somewhere out there there were good people, who I could trust as well. Somehow, they have all let me down.

Maybe not all, but am I then to conclude that the one who doesn't (for I don't think that more than one is possible), is the one I keep? Because this is what I have concluded. The one person, who does not let me down, that will be the person I marry, because above all, that is what I hold dear, someone who will honour my feelings as much as they do their own. Someone who I believe deserves me. It is not my place here to speculate on whether I have found him, for my previous ramblings will divulge.

Why? I have no mighty to appeal to, but I implore that the universe answer me. Why, can I not understand what drives these people who hurt me so much? And do they know how they hurt me?

Maybe I am hasty to say my family do not hurt me, for two nights ago found me in my sister's room, murmuring that she did not know how much what she did hurt me. And she didn't. I have been all but tears of late, and those who I believed would support me, have mostly failed me.

I will not ask now, whether I have failed them too, for I ask too often. My heart is pure, and here they must realise that whatever I do I do from love, that I fight my instincts to rage, and argue back, to defend myself, and to interrogate... all of this I do in return for a little love, a little loyalty. Please give me some.

It seems this mind is always misunderstood. Is this how everyone feels, inside?

'They don't do one thing but sing their heart out for us
That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'

Harper Lee

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

you can't change a person's feelings,
so what do you do? give up? walk away?


i am tired, so tired of fighting for friendships.

Friday, January 02, 2009

I am afraid.

Not, that what I have is not good enough, No...
That what I have is too good,

I am afraid.
Of letting it go
In search of something less perfect
To keep my mind turning

This is not valor, No...
If only I knew what it were

But I will not let this go.

Thursday, January 01, 2009


Our damsel
Light headed and forgetful,
Tripping over all the love contained
In a half used deoderant

She was a monster
Without remorse
But for him she gave her monsters away
Bundled and stuffed
With three eyes
To keep him safe

Her prince charming
Big haired and bigger hearted
(Who had ants in his pants)
And was just what she wanted

He read books to please her
And learnt how to tease her
Was so talented and sweet
Liked her tickling his feet
And having his hair played with

Under bright lights and stars
And itchy from the grass
A little too happy
And unconfused
They painted a picture of their future with poems
But this time it was true

They rediscovered rain
Fell from the sky - and landed
In rooms filled with pillows
With doors that opened into secret gardens
Who were witness to their love
If not more
And almost every time they loved there was panic on the wall
(They laughed about it)

Pizza parlours they attacked early
Their tummies hungry and eyes pearly
To picnic in the park
Where they would cavort when it was dark
Until midnight or so

They ran they danced
They cartwheeled, and pranced
Through pouring rain and storm
And promised each other,
Beneath the awful weather
To never leave the other alone

Benecklaced and braceleted
One linked to the other
Seperated by miles and miles
Of towns and roads and bother
But his love kept her warm
And he was too warm under his blankets
They chatted all day
And both were so thankful

For eternities
Which lasted three months
And how they were soon to be together
How he could travel the world
And never forget her
But he wouldn't without her
And she would wait forever
And forever
Just wasn't enough

Well what more to say -
Of two brains so matched,
That life could not be
More melodic and relaxed?
Except that no version of paradise
Could be anywhere near as nice
As their perfect future.