Saturday, December 08, 2007

You love me
But I love him
And he loves her
Or thinks so
And she loves him
And you like me
But you don't know
That he loves me
And I love him

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Theme song? Yes I have a theme song today. Bear with me.

Chiodos, To Trixie and Reptile, Thanks for Everything

"This is it, our one chance to make things right
Post love affliction
Our hearts nightmares won't let this happen again
Name the last time I wrote about something other than you
I'll keep dreaming
Not another word sweetheart
Nothing is perfect, but it has to be someday
So I'll keep dreaming
We have to be someday"
Somehow that just gets me today more than anything I could possibly say, cause me, I'm speechless.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

more words..

"you're charming, friendly, open minded, non judgemental, sleek, sexy, intelligent, non-snob, name a few.

...don't know anyone who wouldn't feel good knowing you're their girlfriend and stuff.
...know this, if there ever was a complete package of a woman, you'd be it."
Do we believe everything they tell us?
Well, I like to.
'what good is dreaming, when I can't even sleep here?
what good is lying down, when there's no one to hold...
what good is letting go when something won't let me?
what good is saying goodbye... now that you're gone...'
Juliana Theory

Sunday, December 02, 2007


Do you ever wish
We could have loved eachother a little differently
Just a little differently
I'd still be by your side,
But we'd make it different this time

Did you ever wish for just one kiss
To feel the world change in my lips
That I'd given you anything to remember

Turn around? And try again?
Could you still care for what you see in these eyes

I'm lost to myself
Why do I think you can find me
Find me again
Like the last time you saw me
This is not the conversation for tonight
And I am sorry

I'll handcuff you to my fears
I carry them; you'll always be near
You can be my Love
Because I don't have any left
Be witness to my lies,
Cry for my goodbyes

I don't blame you for not being there
This time it's the truth, I swear

'He loves me, he loves me not.
My love was my decay.
He loves me, he loves me not.
She repeated to herself over and over.
These petals decide what's next for you and I...'

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I am so scared;
I am always disappointed
Do I expect too much?

I am confused;
Do I think too much
I am hurt;
Do I feel too much?

I don't know what I want,
Or I say that because I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.

I've been here before.
I just want a break.

I've been wondering, what's the point of wishing for what you already have?

You're ignoring anything I say which might take this deeper
And I am sick of living on the surface
So if you can't take me there,
I'll have to find someone else
You don't care to hear me sad;
I can't remember ever ignoring a cry of help from you
But now mine are going unheard.

It just annoys me that you laugh and smile
With me when I'm not joining in.
Please don't tell me you're just like the others
And I've been disappointed again.

So it's pretend or cut off,
We both know which one I can't.
So don't you dare complain
When this time,
It's you who's to blame..

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Sometimes I know that what I say is going to damage who I say it to
But I say it anyway

Sometimes I avoid talking to someone
Just because I don't know what to say
Or I do but I don't want to say it

Sometimes I can see someones heart breaking
But I don't try help

Sometimes I know exactly what pain I'm causing someone
But I just can't stop

Sometimes I hurt the ones I love more than anyone else
And it hurts me too

Sometimes I look at the things I've done and I'm ashamed
Sometimes I don't learn my lesson

Sometimes I lie to save my own skin

Sometimes instead of fixing something,
I sit and write about it
So I can forget
But the people I've hurt don't enjoy the same relief

Sometimes I love a person so much
That all I can do is to distance myself

Sometimes I can't remember
Sometimes I just can't forget

Sometimes I blame myself for other peoples mistakes
Sometimes I blame others for mine,
And that is far worse

Sometimes I hate people
For doing to me what I have done to others

Sometimes I cause people pain because I love them too much

Sometimes I hear people cry
And pretend I don't

Sometimes I can't stand to be inside my own head
Sometimes I can't get back in there

Sometimes I can't say what I mean
I am so scared

Sometimes I look at someone in the eyes
And tell them I hate them

Sometimes I break down in tears
When they aren't looking
And sometimes I think it serves me right

Sometimes I have no patience

Sometimes I sit and I wonder why I do what I do

Sometimes I am a hypocrite
And that is what I hate most

Sometimes I'm perfect
Most times, I'm not.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

The future scares me sometimes

"Your face, my thane, is as a book where
Men may read strange matters."

William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Amazing how much you can tell about a person, just by looking at them.
And how some people are completely blocked off, and won't let you see.

My eyes are all brown today.

It's overcast and possibly it makes me feel sad, scared, uneasy.

"We're only just as happy,
As everyone else seems to think we are"

Jimmy Eat World

Two can play pretend, oh, everyone can play pretend. Although it's unlike me and it can be difficult. Why are people surprised that I forgive, that I don't react, that I let it be. I'm looking out for myself too most times, anger doesn't benefit me.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Thoughts on loneliness

So many times you have turned around
and told me I haven't been there for you, that I don't care,
I'm always the talker never the listener

And I,
Reluctant to push too hard and drive you away,
Am gentle
Thinking, that you, like the others
Will come when you're ready
Knowing that I'm here
Thinking that not many people have my unwaivering support
And you are one who has it most
But you never take it
You never turn to me
Though I have turned to you many times
And only you
When noone else could understand or care to listen
I am so grateful
I am so hurt that I cannot be the same for you

I do care

I want to help, I want to make it perfect
I care about you more than many others who you assume I put first
Just let me,
Do you want to be pushed?
I don't know
Do you want me to pursue,
You always back away
And I am not a forceful creature
Or maybe you perceive me to be
And wonder why I do not force you
It isn't from lack of love I can promise you

I am forever feeling guilty
For your perception of me
So I want you to know, I am here for you

Whenever you need me
Just let me know.
Here I am again
Back to the start
Wanting love. but not wanting
Yes I can forget, one of my talents
So I've forgotten, I've moved forward,
But the line I walk on seems to have been a circle
And I'm back in square one

The last place I was completely happy?
Maybe, the last place I had no doubt at all
And thought life could not possible be anymore perfect

Again I do not miss what I don't have
I don't wake with the feeling of being alone
Again the ounce of fear to keep me sane
Let not my fears consume me

I am my own again
And need only myself
I have detached
It's all I can do

So here I am
Wide-eyed and waiting, but not waiting for anyone
I can wait forever
I am happy to
Nothing jolts my heart anymore
And I will protect it like I vowed to and failed
But not forever


"If you wish it, wish it now
If you wish it, wish it loud
If you want it, say it now
If you want it, say it loud

We all make mistakes
Here's your lifeline
If you want to, I want to.."

ava - lifeline
"I wish I was like you
I mean, you always seem so strong
No matter how much you get hurt"
The words people say to us.
'Hold me in the fire;
And although I die,
I know
For whom and why'

Friday, November 16, 2007

Read me

Read me

Read me...


Do you feel alive

Are you happy inside

Hear me,

Hear me please

Know me,

Do you know yourself

Do you love what you feel

Do you care

Have me

Or don't

I'm yours, I'm my own

I'm anyones


Do you know what you're doing

Are you giving everything up

And for what

Are you going to regret this in the morning

If you wake up

Are you going to miss out if you don't

Open your eyes.


"When all that we need is just a reaction. It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore. If chasing our dreams is just a distraction..I want to remember, when I know that I can't go back"
TBS New American Classic

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


He sat they sat in silence
Of love eaten by demons
He looked he stared
A faerie king
But could not meet her
Her eyes
could not disguise
What it was she was feeling
But not even she knew

He bit his words
It was not his turn
To speak
She forbade him to love her

She held his hand in her dreams
He saw her in his sleep
Like a fly in a web
They were entwined
until death
That might or might not take them

They wanted what they could not say
She wished all her fears away

He held onto her so hard in his head
Offering up himself instead
The sacrifice that had to be made
She was a bottle away from her pain

She wondered if it would always be this way
And could not look at him the same
He fiddled with his phone
And felt innappropriately alone
She was right beside him as ever
Something changed

He was chained to another
A palace of choice
She didn't want him anymore

She listened but could not hear
His sigh that broke the world

She was somewhere
Over the rainbow
And he did not know
A scorpion he rode her
And promised not to sting
Because scorpions can't swim
But she could
And she trusted him

He hugged her goodbye
And would not squeeze too tight
To empty the breath of her small lungs
That did not breathe for him

They were done.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Eternal Love turns incessantly
around my humbled heart
and, smiling,
I will rise from the ground
like a tree
because the water of life
turns incessantly
around me.
two can play pretend
come, drag me to your bed
drunk and i am used
tomorrow i'll be bruised
hello hello she screamed
into the empty void
just you and her
how far how far
can you stop your demons tonight
can you win this fight
i know it fucking hurts
but please make this right
she surrendered
with or without
she was nothing
nothing at all
and the words she says
aren't taken in anyway
gag me go on
abuse me, do it right
gag me go on
cause i'm lost and alone
and your sins on mine
won't make a difference
it won't make a fucking difference
Look for me, when I'm not there. You want me by your side? It's not difficult to win my love, you have it already. Just show me you care.

Friday, November 09, 2007


"I thought ten thousand swords must have leaped from their scabbards to avenge even a look that threatened her with insult. But the age of chivalry is gone. "
Edmund Burke

ten thousand times you stabbed my heart
ten thousand stabs to tear me apart
ten thousand times i came back for more
ten thousand times and i'm still not sure

ten thousand times
and ten thousand whys
ten thousand times i've died inside
to come back to life for you

ten thousand times you've drowned me
to drag me lifeless to the shore
ten thousand times awoken me
and left me at my door
ten thousand times i've crawled to bed
on my battered hands and knees
and ten thousand times i've cried myself to sleep

ten thousand times
ten thousand times
ten thousand times
this ends tonight
"One day you'll get sick of
saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
..Just like I am tonight"
Paramore - Never let this go

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

bring me my poison
i take this to heart tonight
read me my last lines
i won't put up a fight
convert me now i don't care how
because i can't die alone
no i can't die alone

you think that you read me
but you only see my eyes
this face that i live behind
is my perfect disguise
you will never know
what i don't know myself
i'll sleep i won't do anything
i'll put you on my shelf
and take you in the morning
and start all over again
i thought you were my lover
but are you even my friend
and knowing that you read this
sends chills down my spine
i don't want you to know me
your pain it is not mine

i do not want to hurt you
but this knife contorts my hands
i do not want to control you
but i do not understand
will i ever understand

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

What farfetched chance could pull two hearts together that chance has placed so far apart?
If life is just a hologram, let's make it the best hologram we possibly can.
Because if this is a dream, I don't want to wake up
I can control it somehow
It shakes me, it shakes me
Till I feel I can't stand
But I never fall down
It is perfect and I believe it to be.

Monday, November 05, 2007

I get it. Suddenly, I get it. I get why people do drugs.

I just want to take something that will make me forget, clean forget. So I can control my thoughts and my feelings. I want to own my brain, not be slave to it. And the same goes for my heart.

Someone help me forget.

Remembering is such a curse, I know why my memory is so bad, I've developed it to protect myself.

I wish I was a daydreamer, when my world gets too much to handle.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I always thought my mother weak,
for forgiving too easily,
for forgetting too quickly.

But maybe what I see in her,
is not weakness,
But something I need to learn.

I forgive easily,
most times,
I forget easier.

But even the ones we do not love,
Love them and forgive,
To release your own soul
For why should we carry the burdens of others?

With every understanding, comes a challenge, to ensure we really did understand past the theory. And the challenge is the hardest, for if it were not, it would not be the challenge.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Brave, or selfish.

"Look closely at your actions; Are they brave, or just selfish?"

Where does this anger come from? I do not welcome it to stay.

I am not a selfish being, so where has this selfishness come from, and will I let it stay?

I am starting to understand that only I have the answers I seek, but this leaves me feeling so alone. And being alone has always been my greatest fear. But the aloneness, the loneliness, they are there all the same.

I will not be a coward, is letting go in the physical sense selfish, but letting go in the emotional sense exactly what I need?

Detachment was always the hardest thing to grasp for me.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I am grateful for Nature
Today I focus on being a completely loving, caring individual who emanates Love
I am strong
I want to love you but I better not touch
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison...
Alice Cooper - Poison
"I should have turned back
I should have known better
Than to walk away defeated
I'll say it tonight,
I'll say it forever
And this time I really swear I mean it"
ava - good day
I can't sleep
Because there's alcohol in my veins
I can't breathe
Until I see your face
Please don't think
You are my everything
I'm just fine without you.
You can see it in my eyes.
Attention is easy to get
And I don't want your love
I know you aren't the one for me

So what do I do?
This never was forever
We're not finished yet
And you feel it too

Wake me up
When I can't sleep without you
Make me strong
You're the only thing
That makes me weak

I'm not waiting.
Or am I?

You know I don't want to
But I do anyway
Tell me,
What does it all mean?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I feel like I have betrayed myself, I wish that I was someone else, someone better.
The slightest sympathy is a trigger to my tears, that lurk behind my eyelids for their prison break. and for each I let free, it takes a part of me.
My tear-swollen eyes won't open
"I have a ringing in my head
And no one to help me answer it
Even with you close enough to kiss.

Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it can't help me let go, I know."


So I'm not thinking, distractions are sparse when you permeate my brain-links.
But we both knew it wasn't over.
These words haunt me, shuffle taunts me

"You have me still because I'm breathing,
Although it has slowed down.
Please don't cry because I'm leaving.
I hope I see you soon.

Exchange the sunshine for brown eyes and dark skies,
Replace this dull life with you.
I Know it's tomorrow,
She's waiting for something to feel alive.

You know me too well,
She's sorry and I can tell.
Scene missing, fade to black.
You're acting all this out again"


"The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass
Time to let go of all we know and break our hearts in stride.

I need you now more like yesterday
The last day I could see you smile.
For the last time turn out the lights
My life on standby.

So standby and watch
This fall away and fall apart.
Just say that it's over,
It's over and she's gone.
(She's gone)

Don't worry he said,
And she's not coming home.
(She's not coming home)
It's over and she's gone.

The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass.
I fall to pieces, I can't let go
Of all the times I never said goodbye."

Hawthorne Heights
your pain proves you care
your pain proves you care
so keep that pain there
keep it there
This morning I wrote:

i am not one to chase closure
and if it feels good, it is good.


when you're too scared to say you love me
is when it means the most

i hold back for you not for myself

i never thought i would have cause to be sorry
but oh i do


love is hard to kill

but i didn't promise you forever

Tonight I took my love away

Monday, October 08, 2007

Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
Jimmy Eat World - Polaris
The first step is the hardest
"It's easy to find a way to die, you have to find a way to live"

Friday, October 05, 2007

I drove home in the pouring rain. Always gets my mind working overtime. I call it cosy weather,just makes me want to snuggle. It took me forever to get home, not least of all because half of the traffic lights were out, and I maintain that people can't drive in the rain. But beyond the broken-light-traffic, the roads were pretty empty. It was sunny when I left this morning, but as soon as a grey cloud's spotted, people stay at home. It's awfully strange.

It's easy to assume things you would like to think, and thus important in my opinion to stop and ask a neutral person whether or not you're being rational at times. So I do. However I do suspect that oftentimes people give me the answer they know I seek. Who will ever know? You can only ask the question, never guarantee that you get the truth for an answer. I've heard that the way to avoid fatal assumption-making is to ask the truth, but I don't think that it'salways as easy as that, and not because I'm scared, but because people hide the truth, even from themselves sometimes. Well, above and beyond everything else, we can only try do our best.

I have a headache, I never have headaches. Tonight I seem to be on a lot of peoples' minds. I wonder what is causing both phenomenoms. I can't help but believe what I feel with ultimate conviction. I'm happpy, I have managed to escape the prison-cell of my mind, my feetare now on the floor again. It feels good to be grounded, it feels good to be washed clean. It feels good to feel safe again, to feel secure, to feel unshakeable, rooted like the trees I admire so.

Tied to the testing of wills, where my heart breaks and spills
Left to the sight of the sky, in your arms I'm defined
Thrown to the wolves in the minds of your enemies,
in the minds of your enemies
And I'm stone in the eyes of your foolishness

funeral for a friend - juneau

Sunday, September 30, 2007

BATTERED hearts breathe tonight
through one lung
the other cut up
but not floating

her stomach was bloated
but it's only air
he didn't even notice she was there

one look revealed she didn't belong
with kisses thrown
and caught
on sticky sleeves

she was his

hands clasping
fingers grasping
at stability glimpsed but gone
and fall down the stairs

it's early
but tonight
it's a peck a fortune
and not knowing all that lied just below his skin
she ripped it off.

I am nothing, just a mirror in the palm of your hand,reflecting your kindness, your sadness, your anger.
Rumi - Hidden Music

Friday, September 28, 2007

Who knows what she keeps within her handbag?
Or what she becomes when you turn away
Can you trust that if you leave her
She will stay?
And wait for you hungrily
Are you her only feed
If you could not follow
Would she still insist she lead -
To trip and crack her skull
But not bleed.

"He hung like a dead spider, just as he'd hung
All the time she'd dealt with him.
I thought it must be over. So now, I thought
I see the murder.
They are hidden. Is she devouring him now?"

Hughes - Eclipse
I am a whole, my strength my weakness
Complete in all that made me
I will cry
Only tears of blood tonight
Here you see me stripped

I fall to my knees
For noone but you
Noone but myself
I deserve my forgiveness
I will understand

If my knees should graze
I will rise so fast
In one moment out of my head
It won't matter
Nothing really does.

I will not suffocate my thoughts
Any longer
But they are gone all the same
You are me
More parts than I ever could have imagined.
It's a sign
It's a sign
You will not listen
Nor hear
These words speak to me

From pages
From pictures
From the sky
Listen or you'll die
They won't leave me

They scream
Screams of murder
In horrible ways
Revenge for sins

Don't gorge my eyes out
I see
Don't bleed my ears dry
I hear
They don't listen
They close their eyes

God's will could not remove their hands
The forces of the Universe
Could not make them hear
A song that seems so desperately inconceivable
Their hearts are shut from fear
They are not ready

I will not doubt what I know.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Oh I can love you through this anger, I love you through this pain. Don't think they strip my love away. I promised it unconditionally, it's still there for now..Nothing is forever though... You can push me, you do. But though I sway I will not falter, and I hate showing you my human fault but there it is for all to see. My strength is that I beat it down. In front of you maybe. I am so strong now, it will take double the force to knock me down. This new found power is my own and with it I can love and I don't need to be loved in return. But I will be. I can care, but I don't need anyone to care for me but myself. But they will. Everything I ever desired came to me, and it always will.

"I am the lost child
of the wind
Who goes through me looking for something else
Who can't recognise me though I cry"

Hughes - Robin Song


I forgive you

For not knowing what you do
For hurting
For being dead inside

I forgive you

For all you did to me through another
For all the pain you caused
And suffered
I will forget

I forgive you
For not smiling
For being things that I could not be
For not being better than me
For not being me
For not wanting
For taking anyway

I forgive you

I forgive you
Because you aren't there yet
Because you might not ever get there
For making me ill
I don't mind
I give you my forgiveness
But I won't pity you

I forgive you
For all that you cannot see
But I can
For being loved
I forgive you

I forgive you
For being who you are
For hating you
I forgive myself

I forgive you
For the scars you wear
For the scars you caused upon others
For making me stronger
I thank you

I forgive you tonight
And always
For not being enough
For not being good enough
For being too much
For being everything
For being nothing
For taking it from me
For keeping it when I would not take it back
I forgive you

For your fear
For your soulless body
For your dead eyes
For your saintliness
For your sins

I forgive you

I forgive you for hurting me
For hurting him I cannot.

"Man and woman's bodies lay without souls
Dully gaping, foolishly staring, inert
On the flowers of Eden
God pondered"

Hughes - A Childish Prank

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

As I sat in the rain, my bench at the top of my park, two tears, two tears is all I'll let drop. And smile up at the bright sky, and thank the situations that test my rebuilt strength. And refuse to be a fool. And ignore the feelings instead of try understand. Because I would never be able to. And brace myself, and repeat, I am strong.

I am strong, I am loved, I am free.

Yes it's all true. I can't account for anyone's choices but mine are all my own.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

THe word

"Be impeccable with you word"

Is it trust, do we trust too much? Are we too open of heart? Is it discretion, do we not possess it? Or does the fault simply lay with the ones we confess to. If we do not hold them as sins are they sins nonetheless? If we confess them are they gone?

I have a tendency to tell anyone anything, they only need ask. I can keep anyone's secrets but my own. Maybe that is why my heart disguises its truths even from me, for I would expose them. The only thoughts and feelings I cannot speak are those I cannot yet verbalise

Monday, September 24, 2007

Penance, forgiveness, love

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage"

Lao Tzu
Does love make everything right?
They say.. for the sins of others, there should be forgiveness. For your own sins, there should be penance. And I agree. But it's hard to give and not expect in return, it's hard to love unconditionally. Oh it's the hardest thing in the world.
If you don't have what you want...Learn to love what you have.
It's so hard to put it all in motion...

Friday, September 21, 2007

We train ourselves and others to be treated and to treat us in a certain way. Why then do we turn around and protest? If we feel trapped, there is always a way out, if you are willing to bear the consequences. And if not, you stay. You open your eyes and realise that you are only trapped because of how you perceive the situation. That to someone else you may be enjoying pure freedom. And slowly, it doesn't seem so bad anymore, slowly, you start to change and in turn, those things around you change. You choose the turmoil you put your head through, and one day.. you just don't choose it anymore.
When the pain of longing is too much, it is then that we must bear the suffering more. I still do not know why I attract pain in my unique form, and so I keep looking, I am not one to give up, but we each have our weaknesses. Sometimes they aren't defined though, and we end up wondering. Then do we follow our mind or our hearts? because my heart always wins, there is not even a struggle. And I am grateful that my memory is weak, I know I have developed it as a self-defence mechanism. My eyes are opened wider, and see clearer, but sometimes I still don't see the truth. Or do I see truth denied, I know not. I know what I want to do, I do not know yet what I need to do.
let me kiss away your tears
let me consume all your fears
let you hold me in your arms
and not let go
let me need you so much
that i melt under your touch
let me sing to your pieces
let me undo your disease
and look you in the eyes
what i see in my dreams
i am in you
but forever is telling me
that it might be too soon
If you want me, want me completely
Not this undecided love.
For though my thoughts have stopped,
My heart has not.

'If I have seen further than others, it is simply because I have stood on the shoulders of great teachers.' The Monk who sold his Ferrari

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

i will not chase you
i will let you come to me
and if you don't come back
i'll assume that you are free
Can you love someone and not even know it?
Can you love more than one person at the same time?
I can't make you see anything you don't want to see
But I won't stand here and watch you destroy yourself

Saturday, September 15, 2007

stagnant souls won't breathe for me tonight
stagnant souls, they own me
stagnant souls know I won't put up a fight
stagnant souls control me


I chase sensation, I see that now. That the root of my inbalance lies in my pursuit of pleasure, and my short-lived satisfaction. I see it even in the material world, I take 5-6 sugars in my tea -I can't taste anything less. My senses are dull and I am slave to them. It's never enough. I verge on the border of hedonism, my life is a dedicated chase of pleasure, which when found does not last...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

the worries of the night couldn't stop me from this dream-filled sleep so i'll sleep and wait for you and hope you aren't dead in the morning like my dreams of you and struggle to bring back your face to my head and smile as you fade and return changed under a different moon to kiss me in the name of some different constellation and wait for it to come true.
you drift as though designed, through my mind and i wait for some god-creature to plant your feet on the ground that i might know you - wait for him to let me in and i will accept no substitutes for you are tied to a tower that cannot be crashed by even planes, in my brain, where you live and your earthly twin touches me instead and doesn't want to hurt me like you couldn't - and he wouldn't if he knew you - but you are only there when i close my eyes and i can't close them all the time so i sleep instead, rest my head, on his chest and arms to hold me tight tonight till the light wakes me crawling on my face a spider in its wake to bite and infect me kill me and bring me to you like you won't come to me for in death we will be together eternally - it isn't enough - and if you aren't i will buy my ticket back to breath and air, don't suck out my lungs it isn't fair not to let me change my mind - some of the time - but i don't know where to go if you don't follow or keep my thoughts warm then another must keep where you sat or stood or laid weren't you lonely up there without me or lonelier if i should come and leave, my decisions will not stand it is not in my creed to be stable do you possess everyone's mind or just mine you seem to be here all of the time do you sleep when i sleep for when i wake your eyes haunt me again a pain that feels good while it lasts but i will not pursue again.
do you believe my intentions i surrender to you and lift my hands but you can't lift me you are weak weaker than me but i need to believe in your honesty we all believe too late give up too soon i am a different woman eyes closed under that moon that you sit above how high and if there is no way down this mortal existence takes its toll on me you will receive me old and worn will you love me do you even love me now. your mortal twin he hears my sin he swallows my pride he eats me alive you will have his hand-me-downs his hands have touched me all over all over and i pretended it was you and imagination is strong and imagination can be wrong what a disaster that he gets my heart beating faster he's everything i want he just isn't you.
"and if i lie, i lie because i love you,
because i'm bothered by the things i do"
my friend, my friend - anne sexton

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Life is about happiness. It should be as simple as that but it isn’t, it’s about ultimate, secure happiness, not temporary satisfaction or pleasure. In other words, I suppose you could say “santosa”. It’s about the happiness of oneself, the happiness of the ones you love and care for, it’s about love, and about understanding and learning too.

Understanding and learning break ignorance, yet very often ‘ignorance is bliss’ so this can be a troubling concept at times. Why do we need to understand more if it only leads to more questions, more confusion, and unsettling emotions? I don’t claim to know all the answers, but just because I don’t - or science doesn’t - doesn’t mean there isn’t a natural explanation. I’m not prepared to write it all off to some supernatural force just yet.

I do think at times that things ‘happen for a reason’. Yet whether this is a deep-set belief or not, I’m not so sure. And as for where morality comes from, I’m not sure at all. As I said, I don’t have the answers…It drives me crazy just thinking about all the possibilities. And worst of all is the frustration of not knowing, but I refuse to believe something based on someone else’s testimony or conviction.

I do believe that we can be happy without thinking we have a divine purpose, divine intervention in our lives, or the possibility of more lives after this one..but I haven’t been home a few hours and I’m being tested already: My hook-up just “broke up” with me; he’s confused, he doesn’t want to hurt me again. Excuses, excuses, I know it’s because my unwavering happiness is being tested.

I’ve known for a while now that I have to learn to be alone: not boyfriend-less, but completely alone, no hook-ups at all. But I wasn’t going to break them off…seems it’s happening for itself. If there are such things as signs…well I suppose this would qualify. He was the last one left.

I know already that I’ve grown in the last few months, or at least returned back to my old self: this time I didn’t cry, though I felt like crying certainly. It was an emotional day as it were, without this additional stress. However, I bore in mind that we control our emotions, and am not allowing myself to feel any emptiness at all. My happiness does not depend on him or any other person or thing external to me. My happiness does not depend on relying on some supernatural being to be there for me and look out for me, it depends on myself, knowing myself and trusting myself.

I don’t desire stagnant happiness, but other than happiness I cannot think of a deeper meaning to life. It’s something I’ve pondered for a while, and I know I’m only young - as anyone will be quick to point out – so maybe I shall find a deeper meaning one day, when I have children, or get married, or something equally dramatic and life-changing happens. But for now I am happy as I am and content with what I do know. That which I do not know I am open to finding out, if it is possible. I’m not closing my mind to other possibilities, although constancy is settling and change unnerving. But I am not scared, I’m not closed-minded, I don’t have a mental-block. I just know what I do and don’t believe in, and it was not a rash decision, for years I toyed with the idea of being a plaything of the gods. I just happen to think I have reached the end of the road on that particular issue, that I have drawn my conclusions, logically and rationally. I am not one for blind faith.

Three hours later and it seems I have had another sign, a friend of mine just left my house, depressed and forlorn, although less so than he was when he arrived. Why do we let break-ups affect us so much? I told him what I was telling myself – we feel what we want to. And more than ever I see that happiness is the aim of life.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Rationality, faith.

"Their's not to make reply,
Their's not to reason why,
Their's but to do and die"
The Charge of the Light Brigade - Lord Alfred Tennyson


Coming from the non-religous perspective of my childhood, I am tempted to question everything rationally and logically. It is not in my character to have blind faith, it wasn't instilled in me during my youth, or if so, to an almost negligible degree.
Although my personality has been labelled "idealist", I still find it hard to believe far fetched ideas without logic supporting them. Which surely makes me more of a rationalist? I will believe something harmless and plausible if it entertains me yes, but I suspect my feet are grounded. They seem to be in any case.

"A priest is rushing
To my side
Begins to read me
My last rites
Father you're too late
My faith is weak"

The Priest and The Matador - Senses Fail

Is my faith weak? Why in any case is faith such a noble trait to have?
I just find it so appaling to accept things which i know not to be true, or which i seriously doubt the truth of, or which defy all rules of known logic.


Sometimes however the questions get too much: at what point, if any, should we turn around and say "Enough!" and just accept things for what they are? No questioning, no discovering - we can never know the answers and the searching will surely be the death of us...

It is what it is

I feel that I would be betraying myself by not finding out all there is to know, all I can possibly conceive and understand and hold within my head. but it seems like I am bringing this confusion upon myself.
What could ever warrant causing pain to oneself? - surely only saving another from pain or to saving oneself from further pain, or as a step in achieving a greater 'good' (for oneself or another..) ? Are any of these achieved by my unwaivering quest for answers?
It is tempting though to give up and block it all out, to forget - knowledge is conflicting, subjective and overwhelming at times. Forget any questions one might hold, forget the need for truth, forget any morsels of knowledge one might have already gained along the way. To achieve what, calmness? happiness? I know not.

Monday, August 27, 2007

We all make mistakes.


"Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes..." 1984 - George Orwell


Regret you are my evil mistress
I shudder in your wake
My hope my life my love my breath
All of these from me you take


"You can't kill heroes" Bracelets - The Spill Canvas


every tear that leaves my eye stings
every time my mind lapses my heart falters

For so long i thought i understood
but no comprehension comes without feeling the pain

i welcome sorrow
and abhor fear
but fear is what i'm made of now

i hate feeling volatile
as though i'm so easy to break
but i keep feeling my earth quake

because i can't believe in myself anymore
i need someone to believe in

i deserve nothing less than this pain
i feel exposed and ignored and alone

more than anything i need someone i hate being on my own
someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay

i won't listen to myself

i can't turn back time
but i can't bear these consequences
we are only strong if we are strong in the face of what makes us weak
so i am left with no strength at all


"Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one ?
And tell me how long
Before the right one ?

The story is old - I know
But it goes on"

Last Night I Dreamt that Somebody Loved Me - the Smiths