If my nausea prevails

I lose

To someone who was stronger

-maybe-

More successful

-maybe-

Have I failed you?

Or is it not my fault that it is not me to whom you turn?

I am uncertain

And unknowing

I have no desire to know what has gone before

But the roots, you kept from me

I would rather know

From where this sprang

So I could understand

Exactly how this began

And where to end it

If losing innocence

          So well protected

                   But not mine

 

Is not deplorable

          Then I don’t know

                   Anymore

 

Quite what it is I love for

The devil

It is alright to have a conversation with the devil...

As long as you don't let her win

 

And if she wins?

Then surely - you are lost to her fiery claws

 

Is all lost?

Isn't it amazing
How one person
Can ruin your entire life
If you give them the power to?

If all my
'i miss you's and 'i love you's
could form a boat
to float you to me
would it sink because
there is no connecting sea
or would those words not be enough to carry you?

When will you return to me?
I have been wearing your smell
I have been sat here waiting
Surrounded by people and alone

Where are you?
I have been keeping my eyes blinkered. And my mouth shut.
I have been living in your voice
and it is failing to be enough

I have been picking fights with my loved ones
Because they are not you
I have become clumsy
Because I miss your touch

Why did you leave me?
My heart feels orphaned
And I will say none of this to you
Until you return for certain

Your photograph is dog-eared and outstared
And I need you closer
I need to see my name form on your lips,
Not just hear it
All my other senses are failing me

When will you return to me?
And when you return do you promise
To love me more than you did when you left?
Because I will need you to.

When you say it makes your heart hurt,
Well I know now what you mean...

On Judgment

In order to judge...
We have to know what is right, and what is wrong.
But do we ever?

How then can we ever judge another, to what standards could we possibly hold them to?
Some imagined standards in our own minds or souls?
Do such standards exist?

Are the pious closer?
For they claim to be
And judge more than anyone

Are the judges and the courts closer?
It is to them and their almighty knowledge to which I aspire
Yet all they can do,
Is adhere to rules drafted by another
And are criticized for their own input
Subject to human error

We can never be the judge of another,
For our own ideals could never be imposed upon any one other than ourselves.
If we create for ourselves what is right, and what is wrong
The best we can do,
Is try to align ourselves to our own ideals
Instead, we try to align others

Here is where I make my fatal mistake
I can never be the judge.
I must not be the judge.

I aspire to become the objective observer
What more could I aspire to?

I need to know two things

How to stop crying, when I get sensitive (how to harden my soul?)

And whether, when it seems like anger is the ONLY cure, there is one more; or how to stop losing my temper (how to soften my soul?)

This delicate balance evades me when I am distressed...