Forgive me

Dear Adam,

I know you'll forgive me one day.. for leading you on. For four months I held your heart, I held your hope.. and all the while I had no intention of seeing it through. Someone else had my heart, just as I had yours. And what makes it worse is that he isn't a stranger to you - far from it.

Excuses are only that, excuses. But maybe you care to hear my feeble ones. Or maybe I'm just trying to relieve my all-consuming guilt.

One desires to believe that the object of one's affection is supreme, perfect. But truth be told, we are all human. We only need to step outside of our obsessions to see that. And I am no different, idolise me though you may.

I was scared, so scared Adam. Scared that by saying 'no' i would lose you altogether. Oh, it pains me to even think the cliche. I would not have cared, but I did see something special in you. But not special enough, you just did not capture my heart. Love works in mysterious ways -!- I am no stranger to that fact. I hope we can still be friends.

I blame my nature for allowing you to believe there was some non-existent chemistry. Heaven knows I do not take things seriously, and often people's feelings get toyed with in my quest for fun. I am not proud of it! I am not proud that you are not the only one who loves me thus, unrequited.

Maybe I underestimate the magnitude of your affection. We can't help who we like! How we feel! Never mind, you said you were sick of chasing me. Is it a credit to me that I managed to hold your interest for four whole months? Surely not! And still you know so little of me.. Or else you might have questioned my actions? I find it hard to disguise my affection, there was none.

How many times did you ask me - did I have feelings for another, would I tell you where you stood? I would not, could not - some fear of finality, of losing your affection - oh, selfish, selfish me! - kept me from admitting to you that you had no chance at all. Oh, I tried to tell you! Indirectly, supposing that a man cannot ignore the obvious forever. It seems he can, where love is we truly are blind! We only see that which we wish to see, hear what we wish to hear. And i gave you enough of both to divert your thoughts.

I didn't want to hurt you. I know that hearing 'no' can be worse than having false hope. Oh, I saved you the smaller hurt to save me from having to cause you any at all! Foolish young girl, did you really think you could keep his hope alive forever? We are all fools to Time eventually, and ultimately Time has his way with everything. We are just feathers resting before the wind. I must have known I could not avoid it forever.

My only redemption is that I stopped it where I did. Although it hurt like hell.. oh it hurt me too. But it is hard work being the keeper of hearts, the pay is cheap, and I tire. Please take yours back. I have no use for it.