All i want

Okay, let me write to you and tell you all it is that I want.

All that I want. be it selfish or not. For it to be here and manifest before my eyes, for me to see it and train my subconscious to bring this to me. Make my desires true. Because a stated dream is a dream half caught, isn’t it?

When you feel the lack, then you must know that you want what you seem to be lacking. If this is true I have found my wants, so clearly. In moments of despair they seem unachievable, far, far away, unrealistic. As though this lack could not be filled. And I know I have holes which I deem only to be fillable by certain objects, certain beings, certain places. I am filled with these holes, heaven forbid they should be fatal.

“and then suddenly it struck me how I had nowhere to be, noone to be with. I suddenly felt alone, irrationally (I see that now) but immensely, immediately, heart-achingly alone.
I felt like crying (I did, a wee bit), I wanted to be surrounded by people, lots of people. Old people. new people, exciting people, people who I still had to get to know, anyone, everyone. Instead though, I had no one

..And I saw my future span out just the same. Me, bored with life, the long, lonely, empty days. For the rest of university, for the rest of work.. for the rest of ever, forever..”

People, faces, voices, thoughts, sights, the wind, the sky, the grass, the hills, they all make their holes.

Your face, your voice, your words.

“I know, its not even true now. But in that moment it's all I truly believed in.

I managed to shake it.
but its still there, lurking.

I was just looking through the photos of my holiday and I realised I want to be in the mountains, on the farms, under the trees, in the hills, by the streams, running with the goats... you get my point. I realise I’m just like my grandad, a free spirit”

So some small idea of what it is, that and a lover to brave the cold wind with, watch the million stars with, climb the hills with. I want.