I cannot bear the thought

That one day you will love her more than you love me

Saying No

There is only so many times a person can say 'No'
Before the person who hears that 'No'
Neglects to offer again.


"To love makes one solitary, she thought"
Mrs Dalloway

Words of my life #2

"Your personality, so complex, so unique, so random, there seems to be no pattern or logic.

You can imagine how frustrating to a computing engineer.

I dunno whether I'm scoring with you or pissing you off.

My intention is not to piss you off by the way, despite our rather... err fiery interactions."

Words of my life

"Afterwards, I asked myself why I'd do something like that and it's basically because I love you and I wanted to change your mind so that you don't have to do those things."

---

I want to say again, that I love you

and that I don't think now, that i can be without you

Selfish, or not, I surmise it does not mattter what I want.

For you, you do not listen. Not anymore.

I do not know what changed, or what you are angry at me for.

Am I more selfish, for not wanting to give you to another?

I do not mind, but I do fear, that one day

I will change and want to be your lover.

Is my worry that you will leave, or push me away?

Even though you promise me different

Stories scare me

And you, you upset me.

Though I would not see you cry for it.

If you, yourself, do not know.

What is confusing you so,

How am I to guess the cause of the turmoil I see through your farce

Or not farce, but temporary bliss

That will fall apart again when you eat her kisses

And have her whole

And leave me incomplete

For I cannot speak to you, at the end of every week

She starts your weekends

And you send, me away

And days later, you pay

It is not my intention to make you suffer

For my discomfort or stubborness

I apologise in advance

But unlike you, I can't hold up the farce.

So maybe I should leave.

They say they always choose

But I cannot stand to lose

But it is not your choice I fear

It is your emptyness, all the while that you are here

And your suspicions when you leave

And all the headaches that I don't need

Although I wished for drama.

So if I push you away and you do not leave

Am I to blame for wanting you so close always

Or for trying to force you to stay

The one time you are unwilling?

And better, for her not to write

Lest what she feel resurface

But months had passed,

And all her fight,

It had been murdered.

And Yes, the Loneliness,

It can get to you.

But what would you sacrifice

To feel like you used to?

.

I thought that I did,

But I didn't want you.

Or anything you can give.

Oh ! you give me nothing!

.

And falling, her words caught her
Like a net of black, and woven
She landed, and crawled under
Dark cold alleyways
Looking for light
Not realising
She had lost her sight
And she crawled in open fields
Thinking the heat she felt
Must surely be flames
The sun, through a magnifying glass
Becomes far less tame.