How many years has it been since I saw you last
Two? Three? Maybe even four now
It doesn't even matter how many years anymore.
You could see me, if you wished.
I was your first grandchild, I still am.
I want to be there for you,
love and care for you,
hold your hand when it gets tough.
But I don't think you'd let me.
And if you did I don't think I would let myself.
You don't tell me that you love me anymore
- did you ever?
I wouldn't believe you if you did.
How does it feel?
Tell me how does it feel to be alone.
I blame myself still,
Although I'm not the one to blame.
You will not even look at me, Grandad.
And I didn't do a thing,
just love you
and I want to love you still.
But you don't want my love,
and it shows.
You don't care.
And it hurts with a pain like none I have never felt before.
I cry for you but you're not worth my tears.
I can't forgive myself for leaving you.
But I can't forgive you- at least not until you say sorry.
You are never sorry.
It hurts to remember you, Grandad.
It hurts to know your life goes on
- without me in it.
Do you still think about me?
And why were you so eager to let me go?
You didn't even try.
Or even say goodbye.
I am the firstborn of your firstborn.
Your daughter's daughter.
All I have ever done was to impress you.
But you are not impressed.
I only exist because of you,
I would not be if it were not for you.
I could not bear it if you regretted me, Grandad.
I have done nothing to cause you shame.
Your blood runs through my veins.
Don't you realise your selfish, callous blood
runs through my veins?
But never mind.
I have others to care for me,others to love me.
How I wish you didn't have the power to hurt me.
You don't deserve it.
you don't deserve me.
I wish that I never end up like you, Grandad.
I hope that I will never do the things that you do.
Why can't I bring myself to hate you?
Hearing your voice still makes me cry.
I only wish I knew why.
So goodnight Grandad
From halfway across the world,
Goodnight.
I hope you keep me from your dreams
so you sleep sweetly tonight.
9 comments:
Thats so sad Leila! I hope that someday he realizes what he is missing. Strength to you.
Ah, I know this feeling all too well. Big hugs, my friend.
Nothing I can say will help that hurt, and I'm not one to say useless things. So just a hug.
I only hope that someday isn't too late, laura
thankyou fal, that's just what makes you so great :)
By the way, is your name pronounced
- Lay-la (you've got me on my knees)
or
- Lie-la (Heaven'll help you catch me if I fall)
?
I like both songs!
My names pronounced as in the Eric Clapton song :)
That is EXACTLY how I feel about my grand father. I am the first born of his first born. He lived in Nigeria (as that is where my family is from) But the worst thing in the world was to sit at his funeral with all the anger inside and look over at my cousins who had nothing but good things to say...after that I have done nothing but try to get my family together.
Oh that was so sad. I'm sitting here crying.
Another big hug.
leila-
i am offering my positive support to you. it hurts and i know that you have the strength to pull through your pain.
Hey Leila.
I sincerely hope it's not too late.
Best wishes to you.
Your Pal,
Zambo.
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