"Why can't you... why can't you... why can't you just love me back?" The Spill Canvas

I hate to enter this self loathing mess which is not me
But am I really as unlovable as you make me feel
I wish I was bleeding through my wounds and not my eyes
Or that the room would not collapse more on me with each sigh
I want someone to tell me, that's it going to be alright
Someone to hold me, someone to dream of me at night
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone
Sometimes I wonder, if this is a prison, or a home
And will anyone ever save me
Or want me for their own
I am the meanest sad person I know.

I can't part my lips to fake a smile
Or bear you thinking I'm a fool
Fuck you, I don't need you to want me
And it's not like I ever will
If I could choose where to place this,
Then I would not choose you.

Cold running down my chest
My face it is a mess
But don't worry it's what I do best
Pushing people away
Well, if I didn't, would you stay?

I am deflated
And still being poked from every side
They wouldn't bother
If they knew I was dead inside
Already

I just want something to call my own
Untouched, and unique
To see how I have grown
To become something I am so proud of
But you all leave alone

Look at the repurcussions
Your nothingness has had
Why do I chase you to fulfill me
When you leave me so damn sad

I am a monster, I am a monster in disguise
If you don't believe me, just look in my eyes
If you chase me now, know that I am paralysed
This is what you did to me with your ill concealed lies
My heart has rotted, rip it out, leave it for the flies
And if they leave that which bound it, undo all the ties
I have noone to turn to, so why get out alive?

I wish for you to read this
I wish for you to feel my pain
I wish for you to need me
And love me once again
I wish for you to talk to me
Or at least try
I wish that you had regretted
Never having the chance to say goodbye
I wish that I could read your mind
Long enough to see you care
And maybe long enough to tell
You miss me not being there

Thank the heavens I am straight forward
And lay my cards out on the line
Thank the heavens I can survive
Without you agreeing to be mine
Curse the underworld for hating me
And wasting all my time

Stating what I feel, is it helpful
To make this seem more real
I feel let down, I feel alone
That this life is surreal
To stare into the darkness
And avoid sleep
Because I would wallow in the pain
And drown

If you care, show me
And I will not test you
If you love me, tell me
And I will love you
If you need me, just don't pretend
I'll discover it in the end
And lies are as good as ommission
A lie doesn't have to be outright to make it not alright
And if you don't know what you want, enjoy your confusion
But you will know what you don't want.

I will not, I will not, I WILL NOT BE A FOOL
I will not let you see me hurt
I do not hurt
No, not for you
Not half as much as you want me to
Correcting myself, No, you don't care
I was your fill-in for someone else not there
So why did anyone, ever, think this was fair
For all purposes I officially do not care
So thankyou, thankyou, for not being there


Because I won't spend another night thinking about you.