I forgive them
because I love them

...I have no choice

It is hard to feel dejected, and alone
I know I am just over-tired
But little rifts feel like earthcrackwars
My earth may crack open

I find my numbness in the television
But I know it cannot save me from tomorrow
and that time is running away with me

Why do they choose now to argue me?
I don't know
Why does he choose now to leave me overdramaticallyalone?

I pull him, knowing full well his anchorboat is moored
But I pull him all the same
I cannot help myself, it is my game, to hurt myself to see who saves me

The night is hollow, my legs tingle, my back is stiff
The house is empty. But who knows and who looks for me this darktonight?

Whose shoes am I filling, have I not learnt my lesson yet?
and why does my puppetmaster not release me

I chase my dreams to escape, in wakefulness I chase my sleep
to comfort me for the day has not enough hours to settle me
and i have closed the pressurelid upon myself
and it is you who test me, but i have not understood yet
what is it you wish to see, my pass or my fail?

my day has been long - longer than yours because mine has run for two endless weeks with wings and my mind imploring me not to fail myself. or answer to my Regret. I fear him.

I fear his unloving eyes and harsh words - that need no hearing -
they speak straight to my brain
some direct poison to put me to sleep quickly
so I do not feel the pain.

For this long week, my tears flow easily now
and in knowing this, I must equate my tears
- to you and your preoccupation
- to you and your anger
- to you and your thoughtlessness

I only need to know you are thinking of me.... it satisfies me to know the thought is there. Half the time I don't need the action. Just fight for me. I need to feel I am worth it. this is what i need.
But you? what do you need?

The TV is silent

I sit alone

Where are you now?

And what thoughts occupy your mind?

I just want to know.

I just want to know.

You aren't invincible,
If you are scared of me

You aren't in love

If you aren't happy.

And you aren't my friend

If you ignore me.

I've got it - what gets me

It's "we"

The fact that the "we" you spoke of,

consists of you and people other than me

Secrets

For the sake of it

I don't wish that it hurts you

But I am satisfied that it does

We are always placed in the other's shoes

And as much as you hurt me then, You feel now

I wonder if you notice?

And if you don't, am I satisfied?

I will just wait.

This world turns and spins us dizzy into situations

we were once so eager to decide

based on our own interests

So now should I pity your interests,

when it is your turn to suffer?

When you didn't pity mine?

I won't.

A saturated mind will reveal...

I have been thinking...
A few things, recently, and none with too much connection to the real world. I don't want any of you to worry.

Boredom has been reverberating, in my head, not the feeling, but the word instead. We have talked - it is often in discussion which I become aware of my own true feelings first... My thoughts are not structured like my speech must be.

Getting to know someone is wonderful, exciting, brilliant! This, we have always known. But once that stage is over, I am learning, there is something left. The residue, if you bear it out... Not all relationships are worth bearing of course, with some, the thrill dies and takes with it the meaning. But with others, the thrill dies and leaves you with something quite different... a true friend. Someone who knows you, and still stays. Who can make you smile, but annoy you more than anyone else because they are supposed to be different. Someone who you expect more from, but sometimes get less... Then the moment you settle with expecting less, they surprise you by giving you tenfold. Yes, a friend. Someone who you can share your woes with, until they're sick of it and tell you to shut up - because they know they still have to bear seeing you tomorrow.

Loyalty, friendship, trust... These things remain and these must replace the original thrill. It doesn't matter whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship. This is another of my theories, maybe, but my theories shape my world and I love my world! I believe, it is in changing your perspective, and the way you view it, that the next stage becomes exciting too. Like those multi-coloured crystals where you see a different colour from every different angle... Some colours you may not like... Some colours you may tire of.

Another thing, maybe not on the same strain, has been relationships, and their end. Say you do get bored, or something changes, you don't want to be in the relationship anymore... If it is romantic, can you just let go? If you don't want to hurt the other person, but you know they will be lost without you, what choice do you have? I don't know. Is this why so many people end up in relationships out of obligation? I don't know. I have never felt obligated before. And I hope I never will.

And friendships? My good friend says, can you break-up a friendship? If you are sick of your friend, if she serves you no more, can you dump her and not have to see her again? Why do the ties differ? In my experience it is wise to keep your loved ones close even after they start hurting you, because we all go through cycles, and they will come back, and when they do you will scorn yourself for ever considering letting them go. It differs because it is not monagamous, you can develop another friendship while you wait for this one. You can wait. You can.

I am back to asking questions and I have accepted it. I have accepted that my questions do not need, or do not have answers. This is what I have learnt. I have learnt to look at myself from outside of my head, and not judge. I do not call myself good, or bad, for in labelling anything you hinder your ability to fix it, or understand it, or accept it, do you not?

I love my questions, I love my illnesses. It seems foolish, but things I have not understood I am slowly understanding. I am understanding the new-age saying... "love your illness", this is why I love teaching, for in teaching my students I learn. That is how I am, I learn through teaching, through explaining I have always come to understand myself. Maybe this is because my subconscious rules my voice and my conscious rules my thoughts, I do not know. But in loving my questions, and my illnesses, I can begin to comprehend what it is they are trying to teach me.

I live, I love, I learn. I learn through loving, because to help people, to help myself not to hurt people, I seek to understand, and any small thing I understand is progress for me. I can be patient, I can be the most patient person in the world, but I can also be the most impatient.

"You came suddenly... and stole, the patience from my heart" [Rumi]

I can be the calmest person in the world, but I can be the angriest. But I do always want to understand my loved ones, I do always want to know how they work.

Is this over-thinking? Why does my mind speak to me tonight when it has not spoken to me for so long? Why are my words flowing easy, like they did years ago? I hope my illness is not returning, I hope the good I have trained into myself is not departing...

No. I worry too much, this is nothing bad, for look, I have forgotten my own lesson and have labelled it. Not expressly, but by connotations.

I repent, I accept my thoughts and my ramblings, to you my readers, whose faces change but my audience remains the same to me, some silent, some loud, some loving, some curious, some wise, some misguided. It is not for you whom I write, but for myself, these words are only displayed here to feed my hungry eyes, not yours. But my thoughts are to share with you all, I was always a person liable to care too much. It is neither good nor bad.

"show me your face

i crave

flowers and gardens

open your lips

i crave

the taste of honey

come out from

behind the clouds

i desire a sunny face

your voice echoed

saying "leave me alone"

i wish to hear your voice

again saying "leave me alone"

i swear this city without you

is a prison

i am dying to get out

to roam in deserts and mountains

i am tired of

flimsy friends and

submissive companions

i die to walk with the brave

am blue hearing

nagging voices and meek cries

i desire loud music

drunken parties and

wild dance

one hand holding

a cup of wine

one hand caressing your hair

then dancing in orbital circle

that is what i yearn for

i can sing better than any nightingale

but because of

this city's freaks

i seal my lips

while my heart weeps

yesterday the wisest man

holding a lit lantern

in day light

was searching around town saying

i am tired of

all these beasts and brutes

i seek

a true human

we have all looked

for one but

no one could be found

they said

yes he replied

but my search is

for the one

who cannot be found"

Translated by Nader Khalili

Rumi, Fountain of Fire

If mountains aren't as big as oceans

But there are hills under seas

Then how much can you miss me?

If there are roads but not time-zones

Cars but not trams

People but not cultures

I can still read every feature on your face

When you aren't there

For pillows and headphones

Monotony and Exhaustion

Buggies and Turbos

Then there is still me and you

Even if you bore

Even if I bore

It could only be for a second

And not more

So heed not his silly words

Patience

If we both lose our temper at the same time:

Am I more patient, if my tolerance is less but I bear it longer?

Or is he more patient, whose tolerance is more but bears it shorter?