A possible New Years Resolution

To forgive everyone their sins and let them have a clean slate; to not hold past misdoings against them and to see them with virgin eyes.

In doing this I hope to alleviate myself from the pain of disappointment and also to help those who I have judged have a chance to redeem themself in my eyes.

I realise my eyes are not the only ones that matter,

and that they do not need to redeem themselves, they owe nothing to me.

But I wish to set them free from their associations in my eyes.

I think one of the most important lessons anyone can learn is that

Nobody is the same as him; nobody thinks like him, reasons like him or sees things in the same way as he does.

And so they will act differently.

I wish to be impenetrable, a soul you will never understand.

But I expect you to understand me.

Maybe those who I have long considered weak have something to be envied. Meekness. If my personality does not allow me to back down, does not want me to forgive, much less forget... If I cannot overlook, and oversee, maybe this is not strength, as I have always perceived it, but the opposite. Maybe being malleable, surrendering to ones you love, holds some truth. For although I have seen before, when forced to surrender, that the outcome was favourable (maybe favourable without comparison, or even favourable in comparison to my alternative), I still resist. It is force which begets force in me, and breeds comtempt. And in trying to become the observer, objective as possible, I see, t meekness is not always weak, that keeping waters still instead of shaking the boat, may indeed save it from sinking. And so it is not in complete force, nor complete passivity that lies the strength, but again some balance in between. Or maybe I should stop labelling everything "good" or "bad", "weak"or ""strong", and just let it be. Just as it is hard to let the mind stay still in meditation, and just "be", so it is harder not to judge the actions and words of another, but just accept them. Even in non-judgment, I judge myself for my passivity. I am optimistic, it is the season of change.

To whom do I reveal my greatest fears?

The closest are the ones I would first hide them from.

Who do I confide in

If I am ashamed to admit my doubts out loud?

 

If everything ends...

I don't want any of it.

Which is better....

To be strong or to be in Love?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It forever irks me that I cannot have both.

I guess everyone feels

a little sad

sometimes

but i know who makes it better

 

and if i can't sleep

i will imagine a day

when he'll sleep beside me

every night

and i feel a bit better

 

but when it is unfair

and i feel i can't defend my case

am i following

the right path?

 

i feel ashamed

regretful

distaste

at how i am treated

and at myself

if i warranted it

i don't feel i do

but of course i never would

 

i am learning to change

it is just slow

i'm deciding still

what needs to be changed

and it seems one mistake

is too many

guess it teaches me

the opposite

i just happen to be sorry

 

i try.