the worries of the night couldn't stop me from this dream-filled sleep so i'll sleep and wait for you and hope you aren't dead in the morning like my dreams of you and struggle to bring back your face to my head and smile as you fade and return changed under a different moon to kiss me in the name of some different constellation and wait for it to come true.

.

you drift as though designed, through my mind and i wait for some god-creature to plant your feet on the ground that i might know you - wait for him to let me in and i will accept no substitutes for you are tied to a tower that cannot be crashed by even planes, in my brain, where you live and your earthly twin touches me instead and doesn't want to hurt me like you couldn't - and he wouldn't if he knew you - but you are only there when i close my eyes and i can't close them all the time so i sleep instead, rest my head, on his chest and arms to hold me tight tonight till the light wakes me crawling on my face a spider in its wake to bite and infect me kill me and bring me to you like you won't come to me for in death we will be together eternally - it isn't enough - and if you aren't i will buy my ticket back to breath and air, don't suck out my lungs it isn't fair not to let me change my mind - some of the time - but i don't know where to go if you don't follow or keep my thoughts warm then another must keep where you sat or stood or laid weren't you lonely up there without me or lonelier if i should come and leave, my decisions will not stand it is not in my creed to be stable do you possess everyone's mind or just mine you seem to be here all of the time do you sleep when i sleep for when i wake your eyes haunt me again a pain that feels good while it lasts but i will not pursue again.

.

do you believe my intentions i surrender to you and lift my hands but you can't lift me you are weak weaker than me but i need to believe in your honesty we all believe too late give up too soon i am a different woman eyes closed under that moon that you sit above how high and if there is no way down this mortal existence takes its toll on me you will receive me old and worn will you love me do you even love me now. your mortal twin he hears my sin he swallows my pride he eats me alive you will have his hand-me-downs his hands have touched me all over all over and i pretended it was you and imagination is strong and imagination can be wrong what a disaster that he gets my heart beating faster he's everything i want he just isn't you.

-----

"and if i lie, i lie because i love you,

because i'm bothered by the things i do"

-

my friend, my friend - anne sexton