I don't know, how much of this goal I achieve, how much I truly understand, for when I do, or think I do, still so much surprises me and evades me.
My parents taught me, that no one has your back like your family, but my family let me down. So, my immediate family, they have my back, yes, but they are few and I cannot tell them everything, if I could would they still support me as they do now?
I always differed, always wished to believe that somewhere out there there were good people, who I could trust as well. Somehow, they have all let me down.
Maybe not all, but am I then to conclude that the one who doesn't (for I don't think that more than one is possible), is the one I keep? Because this is what I have concluded. The one person, who does not let me down, that will be the person I marry, because above all, that is what I hold dear, someone who will honour my feelings as much as they do their own. Someone who I believe deserves me. It is not my place here to speculate on whether I have found him, for my previous ramblings will divulge.
Why? I have no mighty to appeal to, but I implore that the universe answer me. Why, can I not understand what drives these people who hurt me so much? And do they know how they hurt me?
Maybe I am hasty to say my family do not hurt me, for two nights ago found me in my sister's room, murmuring that she did not know how much what she did hurt me. And she didn't. I have been all but tears of late, and those who I believed would support me, have mostly failed me.
I will not ask now, whether I have failed them too, for I ask too often. My heart is pure, and here they must realise that whatever I do I do from love, that I fight my instincts to rage, and argue back, to defend myself, and to interrogate... all of this I do in return for a little love, a little loyalty. Please give me some.
It seems this mind is always misunderstood. Is this how everyone feels, inside?
'They don't do one thing but sing their heart out for us
That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'
Harper Lee
2 comments:
No one will ever be able to understand ones mind except the owner of that mind...
The person who has the ability to love, to respect, to console and to harmonize with your mind is the one who is able to understand your mind the best...
Someone special once told me, "Life is a deluge of dramas played over and over again" ans it seems there is a point in ones life where each of those dramas that hurt you build up to a level of dissapointment that is seeminlgy irreversible...I dont think that is so, there is always a way back to what you knew and what you had before, there is always a way to make things right...Its a matter of locating the little things which one might overlook initially...
Only you can make your decision of how to cope with your predicament...But the person who you say understands your mind the best will be there for you to call on and comfort you.
Doesn't stop me trying to understand, as true as that mau be!
You are right in saying "person" I am wrong to think "people": thank goodness I have found that person...
Sounds like a smart person ;) But they aren't supposed to accumulate, they're supposed to equal out and cancel out, and I don't think there is always a way back. I used to believe that...
:)
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