Cry, pray for South Africa.

Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the seeting sun makes the veld red with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much.

Alan Paton - Cry the Beloved Country

Can anything ever right the wrongs this country has experienced? History ensures we never forget, indeed it is forced down our throats so that we want to vomit it back up. Too much, too often. My generation in this country knows only too well the pains of the apartheid, but we are constantly reminded anyway. We are not allowed to forget.

If we cannot forget, why then surely we must forgive?

Forgiveness is impossible, the wrongs that have been done are much too horrific and must be paid for. But I will not pay for that which I have not done, and most white people who took a part in the horror that was apartheid seem to have been a victim of mass hysteria. No, I'm not making excuses, and no, I will never understand for I was not here, and I didn't go through it. Maybe I have no authority to speak on the matter.

With no chance of forgetting, or forgiving, I see no hope. I always say if laying the blames on anyone doesn't get you anywhere, then why must you insist on laying the blame on someone? Humans do some silly things, some more silly than others, we all know that. Why must we always keep our head over our shoulders, looking back? - we can't see the obstacles which lay directly ahead.

"First with the head, then with the heart"

Pray for South Africa, it is only halfway out of the hole which the white man ordered the black man to dig so long ago.

Resolutions that I fully intend to keep

Starlight, star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight

It's a new day, a new year. I wish I could promise myself that I will fulfill my resolutions. That they will not go unheeded like so many disregarded ones before. But I do not make promises I cannot keep. I will not.

My mind is a child, eager to learn, young, impressionable. Naive. I am a child still, in so many ways. That child has many things to learn.

Dear child

Do not waste your time on things and people that do not deserve your time.

Be firm of mind, do not let yourself be swayed. Do not be intimidated dear, for you are the sun. And the sun is not intimidated by mere stars, dearest. Didn't you know?

Do not fear that which you do not understand. Endeavor to understand only that which will enrich you. Do not look too hard for what you need child, it will come to you in time. Everything in time.

Understand child - there is always hope. Do not reprimand yourself for hoping too much, congratulate yourself. No matter how dark the night seems, there is always a candle to lead the way ahead, if only you look.

Be careful with your trust, and your love. Do not guard them too jealously though, joy is to be found in sharing.

Know that the greatest love you will ever receive will be firstly from yourself. Love yourself truly and deeply.

Your grandfather has told you not to forsake you parents, ever. Who are you to disobey the words of wisdom delivered with a tear in the eye that conceived him who conceived you?

You do not always know best. Accept that you can be wrong or be doomed to repeat the mistakes of those gone before you.

Believe in what you want. Believe. How can you wish to achieve that which you do not believe in?

Be happy with all that you have, my dear. Do not lust after that which you cannot have. Do not lose sight of that which is within your reach if you extend your arms. Tame your lustful heart, some things you cannot yet have.

It is a new year, child. A new year to do with what you will. You can go where you please, just take your heart and your mind. And keep them pure.

"Bear the pain of longing silently, my heart
For this is the cure." - Rumi

Happy No-ruz

"...Come fill the Cup, and in the Fire of Spring
The Winter Garment of Repentance fling:
The Bird of Time has but a little way
To fly - and Lo! the Bird is on the Wing..."

(From the Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám)
(translated by Fitzgerald)

***

A couple of days ago, it was the Persian New Year, or “No-Rouz”. Literally, that means ‘new day’. I didn’t know this, but apparently it occurs at the exact time of the Spring Equinox (when the length of the night and day are exactly equal). It’s an Ancient Persian tradition, all to do with cleansing yourself, and making yourself pure again, to tie in with the ‘rebirth of nature’.
The whole thing goes on for thirteen days though. Not that we really celebrate it that much, but there are certain parts of it we usually do, like jumping over the fire on Char-shambeh-sourie to 'purify' yourself.

“Zardie man az tou Khoobie tou az man”

That’s what you sing as you jump over the fire: (All my badness onto you, and all your goodness onto me)
We didn’t jump over the fire this year, or have a haft-seen, but we still celebrated the New Year.

I consulted Hafez for advice on the new year. As mystical as ever, this is what he told me:

Ghazal 294

Faithful in your love, my fame has spread, candle-like

At the home of the homeless, I make my bed, candle-like.

Day and night, from sorrows, sleep escapes from my eyes

Sick of being apart, my eyes are teary, red, candle-like.

Scissors of sorrows have cut my patience' string

Flame of your love burns upon my weary head, candle-like.

If my bloody tears fail to bring color to my cheeks

How else can my secret tales ever be said, candle-like?

Amidst water & fire, my head is busy with your thoughts

While my heart flooded with tears it needs to shed, candle-like.

In the night of separation, send butterfly of union

Else from your pain the world I'll burn & shred, candle-like.

Without your beautiful vision, my day is night

With the love I have bred, my flaws I dread, candle-like.

My patience is eroding, like a mountain from sorrows' rains

In the ocean of your love, path of fire I tread, candle-like.

Like dawn, I blow one breath to see your face

Show yourself O Beloved, else I'll be dead, candle-like.

Honor me one night with your union, my friend

Let your light, light up my house & spread, candle-like.

Fire of your love caught on Hafiz's head

When will my heart's fire, my tears wed, candle-like?

I’m glad Hafez has faith in me to understand that, because I don’t really have faith in myself.

However, I will comment that candles are supposed to be on the haft-seen traditionally, and their symbolism is goodness and warmth of life.

Happy New Year to the world, and may we see peace this year.

shooting the moon

oh foolish me
for thinking that you watching my heart break
would surely break yours

all in vain.
a broken heart and all in vain
oh foolish me

i have nothing to prove anymore
wish i did

I got photos of love

Loving you should be this easy.

But it's not and it's all your fault.
All your fault, not mine.

Getting you out of my system is like nothing I've ever done.

Let me love you
I could stay like this forever.

No questions asked?
I wish I trusted you when you cover my eyes.

Go on, dry your shoulder now.

It's over.

A love-letter of other sorts

Dear you


How can I explain to you so that you understand? You make the worst mistake because the ones that love you the most - you treat them the worst.


It's the story of my life;
those I love the most
I hate the most
it's so hard to understand.


I wonder if you know the tortured hours I spend
wishing you were otherwise?


How are you so different to me?


And I waste all my time on you.
You neither listen nor learn.


But it still kills me to see you suffer.
I must be crazy.

I hate myself for doing what I do
and for thinking you deserve it
even now
but I see no other way

And I hate the things I say to you,
the things that make you cry.
I don't think you know that I love you more than most things in this world.
despite it all.

The guilt is all-consuming
but still I wouldn't take back what I said
and I'll pour my heart out to this letter
because you'll never read a word.

It's no use pretending I don't care...
I forget too easily
every single time
and to you it's as good as forgiveness
Oh! Curse this soft heart of mine!
But if I don't pray for you, who will?

If you still care at all
Don't go tell me now

I want to promise you that I'll always love you so
and I almost can.
Because I never make promises I can't keep

I can help you
but only if you ask.
You may think I can,
but I can't force you to do anything.

It doesn't mean I can't try.

Are you wrong?
For doing all that you do...
not just to me.
Or am I wrong?
For not accepting you as you are.

I can't abide you, like
spelling errors on a typed page
Flaws so vivid.
And I can't leave it if I can fix it
or at least think I can

You're tearing me apart

I just want you to know
It wasn't my intention to make you cry
Or maybe it was
It's just...
For one second, more than ever
I wanted you to feel the pain that you put me through

...and you never stop doing it.

My wish for the while

God give me a man who deserves me,
a man who understands me

Give me a man who has depth of character
a man who thinks

Show me a man who truly appreciates me
who knows me and loves me for it
But don't let him know me too well, God
for I fear he would fear me,
as i fear myself
and fear for myself,
I do not want to fear for him.

Give me a man who is happy
but does not take anything for granted
a happy man who knows sadness

Give a man who does not restrict my freedom

Give me a man who is true
who has integrity, honesty
but knows when to lie

Give me a man who can show me
that the world can stop spinning without him there

Show me a man I can trust

Give me a man who is obvious
and yet mysterious

Give me a man with a beautiful soul
A man with an open mind
a curious man
A man who has ambition
and a lust for life

Give me a man I can give myself to without thinking twice
A man who I never have to doubt
A man strong enough to carry
my heart and the burden of my love

A man who I never feel alone with

Give me a man who my head loves as much as my heart
For I don't know which rules me
A man who will never harm my heart
Even if he makes me cry

Give me a man who makes me feel like I have nothing
If I don't have him
And who makes me cry every single time we say goodbye

A man who will alleviate my confusion
or at least acknowledge it
For what it's worth
and feed my hungry heart

A man who will stand by me
Be loyal to me, be faithful
in heart, body and mind
and who enchants me so
that I will be faithful to him too

A man I will always lust for
and who will always lust for me

Give me a man who makes me giddy
But holds me steady
even though he is giddy himself
so if we fall,
we fall together.
He must be strong,despite himself.

Give me a man who makes me wish
I could shout so loud
That the world could hear me
And I would shout that he is mine
Forever.
And I will be his.

A man who is not afraid to change
who is like me,
but not the same
for i wish to look into his eyes every day
and see hope and mystery
a mystery I can trust.

Show me a man like this God
and maybe I will learn what it is
to love a man.

Maybe this man can cure my inevitable loneliness

And God, make sure I glance his way.