I feel distraught - I am so used to being the smart one, the natural...should I relinquish my title, or change my field?
It depresses me, that my old tactics work no longer, and it is only my luck which pulls me through now - or so it would seem. I am disheartened, I have no will to exert myself if my exertion does not achieve excellence - and yet I know, that it is my lack of exertion which is my downfall. I am so used to it all coming easily.
I am stuck. I do not know how to change. And again my fears of being second best are being agitated, it seems they will always find a way to manifest themselves. I can hardly admit this all to myself: to these pages it is one thousand times harder. What do I do?
I am in a dilemma, I see my predicament and yet I am incapable of saving myself. I feel like, I am a patient stuck in an operating theatre, numb but left conscious, and I am watching the operation which will be the death of me. My metaphor is over-dramatic, but I am panicking.
And in the back of my mind it repeats -
Life is the same dramas
Repeated again and again
We just play different roles.
Please save me from this never-ending loop, I am in crisis.
Please help me escape, I do not want to die here.
I need to stop myself from living out this endless fear,
But I don't know how.
Please stop this word echoing in my head.
"We'll rest easy.
I've suffered a swift defeat.
...I'll endure countless repeats." Death Cab For Cutie
3 comments:
all right-got here first!
probably not by the time I am done.
#1-you are not stupid
#2-I think this must be about being #1 in a relationship for some reason because you say jealousy which I could never think of in academic terms, but maybe so-I am left confused. It does seem academic though.
Like me, everything has always been cake and you don't have to study, work hard, or do anything to be the best. Cool-plenty like us. And always 1 or 1 million smarter. I found out in college. In high school I didn't try, but I knew I could have been the best. In college I knew it was impossible with all my effort to come to close to those who are likely like you, way above me yet still not satisfied-but able to walk on water flawlessly while i doggy paddle way back behind them.
the old tactics never work for long. Once you use the trick, it's used-always less effective the more you try.
Simply-put forth the effort-in the end the ends will outweigh the means and you will be proud of yourself. Be it a person or school or whatever, giving it your full attention if you can is the path to enlightenment.
You are not stuck-you know decisions are coming your way-for every action you don't have to make an equal and opposite reaction, you can sit and stare, or act as you wish and make the best of it.
You are no where near death, brave to write down, but not true. Life is full of drama...we all deal in our own way.
Give me a word, and I will find a way to stop the echoing. In the mean time hit yourself in the arm hard and you will pay attention to the pain and not the word. Quick fix.
BTW-this is a man trying to fix a problem instead of empathizing-I just realized that-sorry
If the old tactics don't work any longer, take that as a sign. You are growing up and moving on; you're not the person you were last year, and that's a good thing.
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