Friendship, again

Why is it

That we chase the ones who constantly disappoint us?

And push away the ones who are always there.

I aim to fix all of my mistakes
But ignorance never bred perfection
So I need you to show me where I step out of line
I don't want to be a hypocrite like you
I, in turn
Will show you your faults
Because this is what I want you to do for me

I point out your mistakes,

Not,

Because I want a fight or to attack you

Not,

Because I hate you

But,

Because I love you

And,

I want to keep you

And

Not keep resentment

Please do not misunderstand my intentions
I do not want to be left alone
Just when I begin to rely on you again
You let me fall
Am I chasing disappointment like you?
Or am I getting what I deserve,
Because I believe that your pain is because of how you have hurt me?

Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"

Never again, never again, never again

Never again, never again, never again....

Brand New

Reflection

I have sat, and I have thought.
You always make me feel better.

My helplessness is cured,
And I am strong once more.

I will not stop believing I am better,
So watch me fix my weaknesses.

***

What is love?

She's not searching for rainbows

What is love?

I go where ever the wind blows

What is love...?

Someone I can talk to every night

Someone I can talk to every night....

Rookie of the Year

Stupidity

I am not one for jealousy.

I feel distraught - I am so used to being the smart one, the natural...should I relinquish my title, or change my field?

It depresses me, that my old tactics work no longer, and it is only my luck which pulls me through now - or so it would seem. I am disheartened, I have no will to exert myself if my exertion does not achieve excellence - and yet I know, that it is my lack of exertion which is my downfall. I am so used to it all coming easily.

I am stuck. I do not know how to change. And again my fears of being second best are being agitated, it seems they will always find a way to manifest themselves. I can hardly admit this all to myself: to these pages it is one thousand times harder. What do I do?

I am in a dilemma, I see my predicament and yet I am incapable of saving myself. I feel like, I am a patient stuck in an operating theatre, numb but left conscious, and I am watching the operation which will be the death of me. My metaphor is over-dramatic, but I am panicking.
And in the back of my mind it repeats -

Life is the same dramas

Repeated again and again

We just play different roles.

Please save me from this never-ending loop, I am in crisis.
Please help me escape, I do not want to die here.
I need to stop myself from living out this endless fear,
But I don't know how.

Please stop this word echoing in my head.

"We'll rest easy.

I've suffered a swift defeat.

...I'll endure countless repeats." Death Cab For Cutie

The sky is beautiful tonight. Like an electric explosion of phantasmic proportions. It's as though someone somewhere were trying to show us the answers by illuminating every last bit of the sky. Like some giant playing a kid's piano where each key he hits lights up...and our sky were his keyboard. Why do I always think it has meaning? If we are just giants playthings - let the giants play.



So here we are, planted, on this unfantastic world beneath the fantastic sky. I hope my giant owner is sympathetic, and that I am worth keeping.



The car is quiet, I have turned the music back on but there is nothing I feel like listening to. And my window is down, the breeze outside is perfect. I think the world could stop right here, right now, and be perfection frozen.



I can still smell him on my hands, though I've washed them a few times now. A sweet smell that catches the back of my nostrils. All I want to do is breathe him in, and keep him there, inside me. Safe from life and everything that might and will change. Or I just won't forget tonight. If only my memory were more reliable, I wouldn't cling to these moments so desperately.



Its getting late, and I should sleep. I hear distant dogs calling and mine yawn-grunting outside my open window. The thunder from this evenings storm is still rolling, over some distant suburb now, not mine. My knee is sore from all the hours I sit cross-legged on this office chair, and the wind is touching my skin through my top.



If I could take what I have and vacuum pack it, I think I might. There is no point to these ramblings, there is no complaining to be done, there is no heartache any more, no mystery tonight, no sadness. Just my brainwaves which seem to have migrated onto a whole new level. And I am happy for them to keep their lodgings, for as long as they will.



So goodnight, world. And thankyou. For giving me luck, happiness and perfection. I shall try and repay my dues, or keep my gratitude at least.

Love-ramblings

I had thought, that it was too good, too fast. Forgive me, I was mistaken. Good things do not wait. I wouldn’t stop this for anything. Nothing else seems as perfect as the moments I spend by your side – every moment since we have been together has been one small piece of perfection. This state of happiness I will gladly keep.

And you want to leave! Or maybe you don’t want to – not anymore – but I won’t let you hear me suspect that and I could never make you stay. Yet somehow, I don’t think that we have met at the wrong time – I think that a battle whose outcome is ideal is a battle worth fighting – and humans always need a war, so you can be mine.

You said the other morning that you woke up and rolled over, expecting me to be there. And I, expected too, to be right there next to you. Because now I know that’s where I am meant to be.

You have caught me – love makes me a hypocrite- we are often hypocrites, yes, but the difference is love makes one not care. And this is not some fickle lust, you are ideal in ways that I could not even have foreseen! I don’t need to check all those boxes on my list, no, I need to make new boxes, or write up a whole new list just for you. That is how amazing you are to me.

I don’t want to write things that will scare you – No, in fact, I do – I want you to be scared like I am I want for you to feel the meaning in my words and read between these lines, read all the things that I could not find the words to write – all those things we share which are beyond words and description. Every little smile, every pause, every happy sigh and wistful gaze… every lip-chew and lip-lick and deep breath. Every blink… every shiver down my spine. Every time that I tilt my head to the side and consider what I have written and the small doubts that fill my mind when I do – does he really want to hear this? Am I too soppy? Could he possibly like me as much as I like him…? Maybe I should stop here. Maybe I’m a fool. –

D, you have turned my world upside down! So amazingly quickly and forcefully that I am surprised that I am not shell-shocked! But being shell shocked would just waste minutes of this fantastic life that has unfolded here right in front of my eyes, freshly sparkling like rain in your garden, or stars in my sky, and twisting, like us on your bed… and exciting!

People can say what they will – though those who have seens us together or alone since we have been together can only bear testament to how good we are for each other – but I still feel that I am sane and rational! And possibly these do not seem like the words of a sane and rational girl and possibly I am misguided, but I feel crystal clear in what I want and it is exactly what I have.

I feel as though we could take on the world. Honestly, I am happy to stop searching for a soul-mate or anyone else because I have it all here in you! Where did you come from and will you please stay? Every smile you give me, every naughty grin, every tiny butterfly kiss kills me a little more inside, every tiny piece of your skin which touches mine brings me pleasure, every time you grab my hand and hide it behind you while we walk, every time you look at me and I don’t need to know what you are thinking, every time that you let me know you are thinking of me… oh every second of every day!!

I am not one for soppyness and romance. I know the above paragraph begs to differ! I was not one for holding hands, for pet names, for thinking about just one boy every night before I sleep, and every morning while I wake up and feeling his presence with me every second in between!

I have never felt so comfortable and at ease with someone, these words, like words cannot, are not capturing what it is I want you to know, how I feel for you and what you mean to me. Maybe these words are premature, but I have this feeling that I will send them to you anyway, because they have taken up my studytime and because you may enjoy reading them. And I didn’t have to stop for one second to write this tidal wave, it is pure unfiltered mind-speak! Even Milo has left my windowsill for want of attention…

This is my letter to say – that I have fallen for you completely and you have caught me so solidly in your arms that now I cannot bear to be anywhere else! In being with you I fee at peace, just knowing that ou are in my life and you are mine and you are staying makes me feel like the most blessed person in the universe! I honestly feel like some angel has looked at me and said “Leila you have been good, and now you shall be rewarded!”

It is the first time which I am not scared to show my feelings and let them pour because I feel – to use your expression – completely in harmony with you. I do not fear that you will not reciprocate, or you will run away, well, not too much anyway… And if you run, I might catch you!

So, because I have to study, and because I broke my train of thought to type this on my laptop to send to you right now, I will end off. I am debating whether or not to re-read this, if I do I may chicken out of sending it! Every single time I tell you I love you it feels like the first time, in the park where I could barely admit it, not so long ago, chilly-legged and happy-faced. I could have stayed there all night. And I have written you another such letter, but I was talking to you at the time, and this one I face on my own! You do not leave me much time to think and reflect these days, I either eat, sleep, varsity/study, or D! Yes, you are a verb ‘these days’. So I hope you’re smiling reading this, and if you aren’t: get smiling now!!

If you keep this letter, and you are now an old man reading this in your rocking chair: I have the following to tell you:

1. You’re still sexy! And you know it! Cheeky bugger!
2. I loved you. Maybe I still do!
3. You were the coolest 24yr old in the world to this 20 yr old girl (who is now an attractive granny with snow white curly hair)
4. Check under your rocking chair for stale gum, cause that’s just gross and you should really sort it out
5. I’m rambling, and I am famous for it so I have no shame! But I will shut up now!

Okay I got a bit off topic there… Don’t even ask what goes on inside my head!
I am going to stop talking and send this! And I want you to text me when you get it, cause I’m likely to be distracted from studying wondering if you’ve received it, if you’ve read it… what you think of it… etc etc

And to let you know I decided not to read it over so if there are errors, forgive me.

D, I love you completely.

All my heart
Leila xxx

See - If I say it one more time I'll believe

That this is forever

And if this is forever

Now more than ever

Tell me you love me.

I'm breathless from screaming

But you still can't hear me

So I'll say it one more time

That this is forever.

Yes, this is forever.

And when I say it, it never seems enough

I can't study - but oh well!
It is only my future at stake
And suddenly my future is more.

I am realising, why words fail me
There is nothing they could do to capture this.
So forgive my silence,
It speaks of a happy heart.

I....
Could stay forever like this - oh that I could!
Maybe....
but I say maybe too much,
And you think too much.
Maybe we can sort each other out.
I think we can live with it.

I cannot say out loud
Or even type
What only my mind dares think;
In moments of daze or subconciousness
So not to worry me too much.
Not realising that my heart is in tune.

It is
Perfection.
And any representation of it could only be imperfection!
But I want to document my heart falling,
Because I don't think it is coming back this time.