I don't want to tell you, I don't think I should.
But I want you to guess.

Ever get the feeling, that it isn't enough.



A certain situation is missing something?

An incomplete, uncomfortable feeling inside?

Like there should be a next step, a next level...



But you don't know what it is that would complete it?

I know, that everything that happens to me is my lesson, a lesson. It's just sometimes I can't see the trees for the forest. It's hard to remove myself, dissociate and observe what's happening to me from another perspective. I find that extremely difficult.

x

I suppose that it is normal to feel as though you don't know what to feel, don't know what to think, how to react..

I don't like being normal.

d

I just know now that this game has had its day, and I'm sick of making excuses for it. As much as I revel in the confusion and the drama, I think it's high time I stopped seeking it out. Or do a 'Demartini' and re-assess my priorities. Which is all very well to say, but pushing 'relationships' down to a lower rung on my priorities ladder isn't as easy as talking about doing it is, it is a stubborn demand, and my head has one million rational reasons why it is the most important.

.

I don't know, I feel a bit out of control of my life, like suddenly it's going in a direction I didn't entirely intend it to, and it's travelling fast.. Is this what turning twenty does to you? Or have I lost sight of what life is about? What is life about? Because if I really want to shift my priorities I need to stop answering "Love" to that question.

.

i just want to feel in control, like I have time on my side, my whole life ahead of me, not that there's a risk the rest of my life might be directionless and mundane, every day running into the next.

.

I've never felt so scared, and that in itself scares me more.

Lyrics provided by Pierce the Veil

Me:

"If you call me at all
Don't tell me that I'm ordinary
Cause I won't be passing you, please don't leave
And if you tell me you're listening to everything you read

Turn off this light, call my name"

You:

"Oh, I hear you breathing on the line
Oh baby girl, I'm not your type
I'll leave you hurting every night
So I won't be coming back."

Life Lessons (# 200)

"Wonder why I'm so caught off guard..
When we kiss
Rather live my life, in regret,
Than do this.."

J.E.W


There is no point in either of us gettin upset, if we ask for honesty, is there?

I am terrified of your anger, and guilty for your pain
If we fight like this tonight, will tomorrow be the same?

I don't quite know.

"Please cut me out, cut me out
Plot and make me the lover you wanted
When you were young and asleep
And I'm fine when you, you burn my core from a bottle
The lover you wanted while you waited so long"

Brand New

"Why can't you... why can't you... why can't you just love me back?" The Spill Canvas

I hate to enter this self loathing mess which is not me
But am I really as unlovable as you make me feel
I wish I was bleeding through my wounds and not my eyes
Or that the room would not collapse more on me with each sigh
I want someone to tell me, that's it going to be alright
Someone to hold me, someone to dream of me at night
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone
Sometimes I wonder, if this is a prison, or a home
And will anyone ever save me
Or want me for their own
I am the meanest sad person I know.

I can't part my lips to fake a smile
Or bear you thinking I'm a fool
Fuck you, I don't need you to want me
And it's not like I ever will
If I could choose where to place this,
Then I would not choose you.

Cold running down my chest
My face it is a mess
But don't worry it's what I do best
Pushing people away
Well, if I didn't, would you stay?

I am deflated
And still being poked from every side
They wouldn't bother
If they knew I was dead inside
Already

I just want something to call my own
Untouched, and unique
To see how I have grown
To become something I am so proud of
But you all leave alone

Look at the repurcussions
Your nothingness has had
Why do I chase you to fulfill me
When you leave me so damn sad

I am a monster, I am a monster in disguise
If you don't believe me, just look in my eyes
If you chase me now, know that I am paralysed
This is what you did to me with your ill concealed lies
My heart has rotted, rip it out, leave it for the flies
And if they leave that which bound it, undo all the ties
I have noone to turn to, so why get out alive?

I wish for you to read this
I wish for you to feel my pain
I wish for you to need me
And love me once again
I wish for you to talk to me
Or at least try
I wish that you had regretted
Never having the chance to say goodbye
I wish that I could read your mind
Long enough to see you care
And maybe long enough to tell
You miss me not being there

Thank the heavens I am straight forward
And lay my cards out on the line
Thank the heavens I can survive
Without you agreeing to be mine
Curse the underworld for hating me
And wasting all my time

Stating what I feel, is it helpful
To make this seem more real
I feel let down, I feel alone
That this life is surreal
To stare into the darkness
And avoid sleep
Because I would wallow in the pain
And drown

If you care, show me
And I will not test you
If you love me, tell me
And I will love you
If you need me, just don't pretend
I'll discover it in the end
And lies are as good as ommission
A lie doesn't have to be outright to make it not alright
And if you don't know what you want, enjoy your confusion
But you will know what you don't want.

I will not, I will not, I WILL NOT BE A FOOL
I will not let you see me hurt
I do not hurt
No, not for you
Not half as much as you want me to
Correcting myself, No, you don't care
I was your fill-in for someone else not there
So why did anyone, ever, think this was fair
For all purposes I officially do not care
So thankyou, thankyou, for not being there


Because I won't spend another night thinking about you.

I won't let this slide
While it's fresh on my mind
You don't deserve me baby
I'm one of a kind

Don't know whether to be happy or sad tonight
If I miss you already, or just miss someone being there

I don't understand
How it's been so long
But you still have this effect on me?
Is it too good to change,
Or not good enough to?

Yes,
Not one flutter,
Not one stir
I don't feel it anymore

A half lament from a half writer

It's not reassuring to reflect back on posts from years back and wonder whether your intelligence levels - at least in terms of writing and such - haven't decreased.

On contemplating possible reasons why:

Maybe the lack of English classes (that I had at school) has affected my grasp of the language - negatively.

Maybe I have become too yoga-like; too non-attached, too simplified, that I see the world in black and white. (On this possibility, I have had someone proclaim exasperatedly "But Leila! Everything is not so black and white as you see it! There is grey area inbetween!")

Maybe I've become less pompous and wordy and get my point across better, without the necessary faffle.. (Oh you foolish 17yr old, who even tricks a future you into believing you know it all!)

Or maybe I just analyze things less and it's beneficial to my overall happiness?

I know writers are the ones who will chase heartache and unrequited love - morbid as it seems - to inspire them, (why is it we struggle to write about happiness? that sorrow and pain flows more easily, the words like blood from our slit fingertips?), but I have always been reluctant to tag myself 'a writer' - I do not know whether I deserve the title I afford so much respect.

I suppose that, as ever, my lament has no purpose (My tea has gone cold, I could probably do without the extra sugar in any case), but I feel it must be noted, if only for my own pride, or for posterity (Oh posterity! How many undeserving items you pointlessly claim).

One can only hope that I am not in rollerblades, atop some hill, slowly rolling down... or worse, not only there, but with some naughty child ready to push me and speed my journey - Oh why, why!, must everything that goes up come hurtling down? I would have myself special enough to overrule gravity. Silly girl.

How many, how many times can i say
No, no, i need you to stay
So I won't, i won't, push you away
although you need to go.

How many, how many times,
Can you cry, at my feet fall
Thinking I don't care at all
What can I say?

It's just
One more day
And nothing, nothing changed
No, it stays the same
Even if it kills us
Oh, it will one day
Pleasure, please take this pain
This pain, take it away
Seems like it will always be this way

If never, no not ever, we hope
I should leave
You won't let me go
At least not alone
So I will sleep
Sleep to forget
And wake up to regret
Everything I said to you
It's not fair, no it's not fair

Hold me, hold me tight
What you can get
Because if you leave today
You're convinced I'll forget
By tomorrow?
This, what you can have, love this
Not some dream, some indifferent scheme

This, this, it takes over my head
Just be quiet, come lie with me instead
No, go away
I want you, I need you
I really should leave you
Please, stay
Don't stay

Help me, help me, I don't know what to say
Why wait tomorrow, when yesterday's tomorrow is today
Today, today, today
Yes, don't wait
You can't have this
Tommorow, tomorrow, tomorrow
You won't want it anymore
I can't be sure
But I know my head is sore
My mind is tired

You, you, you
Need to forget
But I, I, I
Don't seem to let you

Why, why, why do I feel so alone?
In everything I do and the decisions I make.

I wish there were two of me so one could support the other.

She always thought she was different
From everyone, with all their shit
Different, different, doesn't always cut it

A whirlwind
Of feelings and non-feelings and fears
Falling over these same stumbling-blocks
She thought he had taken them with him
Maybe the new one had brought them back.

Assorted bruises on her leg
One for each of them
So they all had their mark
She fell more when it was dark
And they blocked out the light.
And they took all her fight.
So she melted into them
Trying not to pretend
That it was any different.

But oh yes, he said it was.

Looking back, and reading pain
Mistakenly thinking this time was the same
Just how she pushed them all away

A story for another day?
Maybe, because he was tired,
And left her to sleep
Some hormonal version of her was left to weep
And feel alone.

Her lips on his, and his, and his
Each day brings another feeling
And another way to deal with it
Who knew which one was right?

Poor little confused girl
Taking pity on herself
Or chasing pain to make her feel alive
She would close her eyes while she would drive
And just hope that she would be alright
Night after night after night

I don't know
If what I do is right, or wrong
But I'll not think about it, and sing along

I can't guess,
If this is real, or a test
But I'll try do my best
Not knowing if it was ever good enough
To begin with

I'm feeling slightly lost
Slightly scared
You caught me unprepared

Chasing you away
With these fears that kept me safe
Maybe keeping you here is more than I can take.

Okay, I think it's time I poured my heart out to you. Because I need to take an objective look at myself, if only for a few minutes.

I find myself expressing my fears. In itself, this should be a good thing. Better surely, that compacting them inside, hiding them and denying them.

So what do I fear? Simply, in relationships, I fear being second-best. I don't want to do that one again, not anytime soon. I feel however, that I seem to get myself into situations that make me second-best. I seem to be attracted to guys that are already in love with someone else. And it's noone's shortcoming except my own. I seem to attract pain, even take some sort of morbid pleasure in it. Another issue I'm trying to understand.

But the tricky bit comes in trying to stop the fears taking over. Stopping starting things with the end in mind. And pushing people away with my fears. Am I wrong for thinking this is going to go the same way? Or stupid for doing this again?

I'm stopping here, because I can't go on like this, can't write like this.

We may not always get what we want. But we always get what we need.

"Are you dazed
From too much meat and wine?

Of are you a soldier
On the field of battle?"
Hafiz

The warning again and again.
Again pertaining to you.

That's it I'm done

Done with regret

And missing you

Done with being dragged back.

That's it, I've forgotten.

Anything we ever had.

And here creeps in the doubt

Did we ever have anything at all?

Confusion,

Again.

.

Is it me that chases it? Or all girls - rendering me the same.

Just thinking it taps my heartbeat, each beat bringing pain.

.

"Humanity is bewildered by false idols

And driven by vain fantasies into the pit of destruction"

.

Eerily accurate advice. But it is so hard,

.

So hard to judge the false idols from the rest.

Especially when any one persons idols differ from the next.

With no one to guide me,

Or tell me which way to turn my feet.

I find myself ambling down too many familiar streets.

.

"Dive into the boiling sea of passion,

And all grief will run from you"

.

But they still want me to believe that love solves everything,

Still want me to surrender

And I'll believe them and they knew I always would.

Because, without love, there's nothing else.

If this is what I know I don't want

Why do I question it

Sometimes when I look in your eyes

I know I would die for it

Why am I plagued, by this haunting feeling of being betrayed

It's all too familiar

Why do I feel my heart sink

Everytime I'm left alone

I should be used to this

Why do I insist that someone will be there for me

And set myself up for a fall

Life is life alone.

.

"There are moments that hold aeons of seperation

Yet parting is naught but an exhaustion of the mind

Perhaps we have not parted."

The Garden Of The Prophet

On Fears and Hopes

Just wonder, why it makes me so angry
To hear your fears
- That you're scared I do what everyone else does,
What? - Fall in love with you?
I told you I don't fall easily..

And I told you that I'm scared,
That I'll be the one that's different,
The one that you end up falling for first..
Maybe it isn't so much a fear as a hope.

I told you I've been feeling aggressive,
I was just being honest.
So I hope you aren't surprised.

But it's a sensitive subject,
When all I need is to be different,
I'm scared you'll tag me the same.

'So why does it always seem

That every time I turn around

Somebody falls in love with me?'

City and Color