I don't wish that it hurts you

But I am satisfied that it does

We are always placed in the other's shoes

And as much as you hurt me then, You feel now

I wonder if you notice?

And if you don't, am I satisfied?

I will just wait.

This world turns and spins us dizzy into situations

we were once so eager to decide

based on our own interests

So now should I pity your interests,

when it is your turn to suffer?

When you didn't pity mine?

I won't.

A saturated mind will reveal...

I have been thinking...
A few things, recently, and none with too much connection to the real world. I don't want any of you to worry.

Boredom has been reverberating, in my head, not the feeling, but the word instead. We have talked - it is often in discussion which I become aware of my own true feelings first... My thoughts are not structured like my speech must be.

Getting to know someone is wonderful, exciting, brilliant! This, we have always known. But once that stage is over, I am learning, there is something left. The residue, if you bear it out... Not all relationships are worth bearing of course, with some, the thrill dies and takes with it the meaning. But with others, the thrill dies and leaves you with something quite different... a true friend. Someone who knows you, and still stays. Who can make you smile, but annoy you more than anyone else because they are supposed to be different. Someone who you expect more from, but sometimes get less... Then the moment you settle with expecting less, they surprise you by giving you tenfold. Yes, a friend. Someone who you can share your woes with, until they're sick of it and tell you to shut up - because they know they still have to bear seeing you tomorrow.

Loyalty, friendship, trust... These things remain and these must replace the original thrill. It doesn't matter whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship. This is another of my theories, maybe, but my theories shape my world and I love my world! I believe, it is in changing your perspective, and the way you view it, that the next stage becomes exciting too. Like those multi-coloured crystals where you see a different colour from every different angle... Some colours you may not like... Some colours you may tire of.

Another thing, maybe not on the same strain, has been relationships, and their end. Say you do get bored, or something changes, you don't want to be in the relationship anymore... If it is romantic, can you just let go? If you don't want to hurt the other person, but you know they will be lost without you, what choice do you have? I don't know. Is this why so many people end up in relationships out of obligation? I don't know. I have never felt obligated before. And I hope I never will.

And friendships? My good friend says, can you break-up a friendship? If you are sick of your friend, if she serves you no more, can you dump her and not have to see her again? Why do the ties differ? In my experience it is wise to keep your loved ones close even after they start hurting you, because we all go through cycles, and they will come back, and when they do you will scorn yourself for ever considering letting them go. It differs because it is not monagamous, you can develop another friendship while you wait for this one. You can wait. You can.

I am back to asking questions and I have accepted it. I have accepted that my questions do not need, or do not have answers. This is what I have learnt. I have learnt to look at myself from outside of my head, and not judge. I do not call myself good, or bad, for in labelling anything you hinder your ability to fix it, or understand it, or accept it, do you not?

I love my questions, I love my illnesses. It seems foolish, but things I have not understood I am slowly understanding. I am understanding the new-age saying... "love your illness", this is why I love teaching, for in teaching my students I learn. That is how I am, I learn through teaching, through explaining I have always come to understand myself. Maybe this is because my subconscious rules my voice and my conscious rules my thoughts, I do not know. But in loving my questions, and my illnesses, I can begin to comprehend what it is they are trying to teach me.

I live, I love, I learn. I learn through loving, because to help people, to help myself not to hurt people, I seek to understand, and any small thing I understand is progress for me. I can be patient, I can be the most patient person in the world, but I can also be the most impatient.

"You came suddenly... and stole, the patience from my heart" [Rumi]

I can be the calmest person in the world, but I can be the angriest. But I do always want to understand my loved ones, I do always want to know how they work.

Is this over-thinking? Why does my mind speak to me tonight when it has not spoken to me for so long? Why are my words flowing easy, like they did years ago? I hope my illness is not returning, I hope the good I have trained into myself is not departing...

No. I worry too much, this is nothing bad, for look, I have forgotten my own lesson and have labelled it. Not expressly, but by connotations.

I repent, I accept my thoughts and my ramblings, to you my readers, whose faces change but my audience remains the same to me, some silent, some loud, some loving, some curious, some wise, some misguided. It is not for you whom I write, but for myself, these words are only displayed here to feed my hungry eyes, not yours. But my thoughts are to share with you all, I was always a person liable to care too much. It is neither good nor bad.

"show me your face

i crave

flowers and gardens

open your lips

i crave

the taste of honey

come out from

behind the clouds

i desire a sunny face

your voice echoed

saying "leave me alone"

i wish to hear your voice

again saying "leave me alone"

i swear this city without you

is a prison

i am dying to get out

to roam in deserts and mountains

i am tired of

flimsy friends and

submissive companions

i die to walk with the brave

am blue hearing

nagging voices and meek cries

i desire loud music

drunken parties and

wild dance

one hand holding

a cup of wine

one hand caressing your hair

then dancing in orbital circle

that is what i yearn for

i can sing better than any nightingale

but because of

this city's freaks

i seal my lips

while my heart weeps

yesterday the wisest man

holding a lit lantern

in day light

was searching around town saying

i am tired of

all these beasts and brutes

i seek

a true human

we have all looked

for one but

no one could be found

they said

yes he replied

but my search is

for the one

who cannot be found"

Translated by Nader Khalili

Rumi, Fountain of Fire

If mountains aren't as big as oceans

But there are hills under seas

Then how much can you miss me?

If there are roads but not time-zones

Cars but not trams

People but not cultures

I can still read every feature on your face

When you aren't there

For pillows and headphones

Monotony and Exhaustion

Buggies and Turbos

Then there is still me and you

Even if you bore

Even if I bore

It could only be for a second

And not more

So heed not his silly words

Patience

If we both lose our temper at the same time:

Am I more patient, if my tolerance is less but I bear it longer?

Or is he more patient, whose tolerance is more but bears it shorter?

You ask if I miss him....?

Does the tree miss each and every leaf it loses in winter, I think it does
Or the buck miss his brother when brother is eaten by a lion
Do the trees miss the wind when the wind doesn't blow
Or the sunflowers miss sun when it doesn't shine
Does the day miss night because they can't exist at once?
Or a person miss their love, if that love they have lost
Does the insane man miss his sanity
A bankrupt man his money
A widowed woman her husband
A dead man his life?
Does a man whose wife cheated and left him for her lover, miss his wife?

Yes, I miss him.

I get it, I'm a bad person.

The question is, can I live with it?

No, I don't wait, to hear your tears when you leave; though I know you deserve them. I gave my inner tears to you, to cry them, but mine still remain, so I have only made more. Justice is justice, for a crime intention is not key. I am made of justice, this is what I believe, so please don't make me hurt.

Oh - no one could now how my heart hurts! - While the blood within my very veins is away. I will postpone my existence, I live only for his return.

No one, No one, could warm my frozen heart!
Or ever replace him - While the wind itself laments the injustice of his not being beside me. When nature has relinquished reason and rationale, Because I, possess none.

I walk but cannot escape my head, and talk but hear nothing save his voice, So I could talk forever more. Even my hurting is so sweet to me for it chains my heart to his - and his is the paradise of my existence, something sweeter than the golden streets of heaven itself!

Why live? If not for our love? Why move, why carry on when no purpose compares to this universal meaning? I can see his face in the sun, between the clouds, in the flowers - on the ground - but each image eludes me the closer i come - the quicker I reach

Ecstacy! Ecstacy is mine in the moments you touch me!
If only they were more -
every step you take further weighs like another world completely on the very base of my being -
soon, i will sink, through ground and water - eternally
but even as my lungs embrace their asphyxiation it is his perfect hands which will save me, caress me, comfort and love me. For he gives me everything I need and then he leaves me needy once more - but the whisper of his promise repeats - Forever, Forever. Forever. Forever. - it is the food of my soul, I need not eat. I need not drink but his juices - need not smell but his perfume - which i would suffocate in gladly, for him in my lungs is bliss, though him within me is torture because i know he cannot stay indefinitely.

My lover, cherry of my heart, I scream to the mountains for you to return but only god hears me - i scream your name in my sleep but i sleep alone, i stare in every direction willing you to appear. That i could explode in this love and come back to suffer it once again - that i could wrap myself around you and sink into your skin. Would you keep me then?

"Love is strong as death"

By Grand Central Station, I Sat Down and Wept

Elizabeth Smart

bubblegumdroplets

its not the i love you in the morning
or the rose that's just the right colour
it's not the way you tell me i'm gorgeous
or that you're the perfect lover

it's when i'm innocently walking

and you fart next to me

and i can smell it

and that not even the shower is sacred

it's the way you only take ten seconds-

to do the important things

its the bathroom floor and the litter you leave there

its the way you can dress like a hobo

and i won't care

it's the spicy food that makes your eyebrows sweat

and the way you let me make you wear an alice band

if you can call it an alex band

the way you pinch or bite me too hard and hurt me

or massage my (sore) knee and almost paralyze me

the way you interrogate your gran about me

and how your feet are always dirty

but you insist on putting them near me

its the way you try to rob me of sugars in my tea

and how you pat my head when i wee

its how your cat scratches me

the dogs ignore me

you finish all the m&m's

that's how i know you love me

What do we do?

What do we do when a loved one is hurting, if we cannot take the pain on our shoulders for them? For taking their pain we introduce our dilemma to them, although solving the first.

What do we do when we have acted from emotion, and hurt a loved ones feelings? For our feelings have been allieviated, or lessened, but are replaced by guilt.

What do we do when we know we cannot change a loved one, but a loved one's behaviour is wrong, and hurts us? Do we have any other choice but to keep quiet, and to hurt?

What do we do, when we aren't sure of anything we ever think, because it changes daily? Do not think, or wait?... how long can we wait for?

What do you do when you doubt your own heart, express it or suppress it, hurt a loved one or hurt yourself? How do you decide?

Must we all be selfish? Why then do we try to fix the selfish ones?

What do we do?

What are you, my boyfriend's brothers girlfriend, or my friend?

Does a friend leave her friend lonely and upset?

And not allowed to be upset or lonely or angry, because you are too nice, and everyone knows it.

So then why are you not nice to me?

Is it ignorance, or inexperience, that breeds jealousy? For I agree it breeds contempt. Although to accept superiority can be harder than it seems on face value: Sometimes it is comfortable to know your place in the jungle, below your stronger inmates... and in the cities, below your elders; but this cannot always work, age does not always present wisdom, No, I am sorry it does not. It should. But you have not seen what I have seen, and you have seen things that I haven't that have tainted you differently... and so in these aspects I am matured. And if you did not hurt others I would attribute you the same maturity. But you do hurt them. And not see the truth. So I have to accept my authority.

Thoughts on innocence

Animals and kids I get along with, they like me. If there are kids or animals in the room, they're probably next to me: It's easy with them, I give them love, and they love me back. Simple as that. No secret, no talent or knack for it, they just flock to the person who gives them love and attention.

Guess that's why adults confuse me, because with adults, it isn't like that. You can give an adult love till you're blue in the face, and they might not realise it, or like you. Because somewhere in the process of growing-up we are taught that just because someone loves you, it doesn't make them a good person. Or mean that you have to love them back. What a pity...

Must be that there are more factors to consider when you're grown, but for me, I would rather follow the innocent thought pattern of a child, or the non-existent thought pattern of a dog. If I reciprocate what I recieve from a person, my world should be balanced. I don't suppose even I follow this mantra though, because I have wasted so much love on people who do not return it. Whereas if I were a child, or an animal, I would long since have avoided them.

How curious, the nature of the human.

Why do you keep a friendship which hurts you?

In memory of what it once was,

Or in hope that it will be fixed?

I don't know.

This is mine because you, you can't touch it

And I will say what I please

I will talk my uninterrupted flow of speech

and not have to divert for your interjections

That is what you see here.

And more

I seek to understand, those who cross my path, those who fill my life. I want to know what drives them, what makes them tick, their desires, their wants, needs, passions, thoughts...

I don't know, how much of this goal I achieve, how much I truly understand, for when I do, or think I do, still so much surprises me and evades me.

My parents taught me, that no one has your back like your family, but my family let me down. So, my immediate family, they have my back, yes, but they are few and I cannot tell them everything, if I could would they still support me as they do now?

I always differed, always wished to believe that somewhere out there there were good people, who I could trust as well. Somehow, they have all let me down.

Maybe not all, but am I then to conclude that the one who doesn't (for I don't think that more than one is possible), is the one I keep? Because this is what I have concluded. The one person, who does not let me down, that will be the person I marry, because above all, that is what I hold dear, someone who will honour my feelings as much as they do their own. Someone who I believe deserves me. It is not my place here to speculate on whether I have found him, for my previous ramblings will divulge.

Why? I have no mighty to appeal to, but I implore that the universe answer me. Why, can I not understand what drives these people who hurt me so much? And do they know how they hurt me?

Maybe I am hasty to say my family do not hurt me, for two nights ago found me in my sister's room, murmuring that she did not know how much what she did hurt me. And she didn't. I have been all but tears of late, and those who I believed would support me, have mostly failed me.

I will not ask now, whether I have failed them too, for I ask too often. My heart is pure, and here they must realise that whatever I do I do from love, that I fight my instincts to rage, and argue back, to defend myself, and to interrogate... all of this I do in return for a little love, a little loyalty. Please give me some.

It seems this mind is always misunderstood. Is this how everyone feels, inside?

'They don't do one thing but sing their heart out for us

That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'

Harper Lee

you can't change a person's feelings,
so what do you do? give up? walk away?

*

i am tired, so tired of fighting for friendships.

I am afraid.

Not, that what I have is not good enough, No...
That what I have is too good,

I am afraid.
Of letting it go
In search of something less perfect
To keep my mind turning

This is not valor, No...
If only I knew what it were

But I will not let this go.

Lovelovelovelovelove:)

Our damsel
Light headed and forgetful,
Tripping over all the love contained
In a half used deoderant

She was a monster
Without remorse
But for him she gave her monsters away
Bundled and stuffed
With three eyes
To keep him safe

Her prince charming
Big haired and bigger hearted
(Who had ants in his pants)
And was just what she wanted

He read books to please her
And learnt how to tease her
Was so talented and sweet
Liked her tickling his feet
And having his hair played with

Under bright lights and stars
And itchy from the grass
A little too happy
And unconfused
They painted a picture of their future with poems
But this time it was true

They rediscovered rain
Fell from the sky - and landed
In rooms filled with pillows
With doors that opened into secret gardens
Who were witness to their love
If not more
-oh!-
And almost every time they loved there was panic on the wall
(They laughed about it)

Pizza parlours they attacked early
Their tummies hungry and eyes pearly
To picnic in the park
Where they would cavort when it was dark
Until midnight or so

They ran they danced
They cartwheeled, and pranced
Through pouring rain and storm
And promised each other,
Beneath the awful weather
To never leave the other alone

Benecklaced and braceleted
One linked to the other
Seperated by miles and miles
Of towns and roads and bother
But his love kept her warm
And he was too warm under his blankets
They chatted all day
And both were so thankful

For eternities
Which lasted three months
And how they were soon to be together
How he could travel the world
And never forget her
But he wouldn't without her
And she would wait forever
And forever
Just wasn't enough

Well what more to say -
Of two brains so matched,
That life could not be
More melodic and relaxed?
Except that no version of paradise
Could be anywhere near as nice
As their perfect future.