someone tell me

what makes a reaction

"Cause if you care for someone enough, their happiness is worth your pain"

*

Words of an amazing friend yet again

You're famous in my eyes!

Dreams and desires

She said to me, said..

"You need to follow your heart, your passion. You've been doing whats 'right' for too long, now you need to do what you love"

.

Journal, she said - start writing. Write about your hopes, your dreams, your desires.

.

As though writing could sort it all out..

.

My hopes? My desires? They've always been pretty simple. Do you want to know what I see when I look into my future?

.

Let me paint you a picture.

*

A big, square English house, on a large plot - at least an acre! Beautiful garden, hundreds of flowers... ponds... green, green grass... hedges... bushes... courtyards... wise, old trees. Maybe leading onto woods at the bottom, or an orchard, a river.. Just luscious, green, serene, vast. With a view till the sunset. I want to hear the birds, see the birds... Taste the wind, smell the freshness.

*

And my house nestled in the middle of all of this, with dogs bounding around -tails wagging, tongues dripping. And happy, smiling kids running and tumbling in the grass, a house full of people - maybe my parents... a full kitchen: always something on the stove or in the oven! Fresh muffins, scones... biscuits, cakes... and a breakfast table outside under a tree to drink tea and watch the children play. Maybe a greenhouse, with vegetables and herbs!

*

But inside, and most appealing of all - a library, with a fireplace, a rug, hundreds of books on shelves with a sliding ladder, and an armchair, with my favourite man in the whole world seated in it. My heart leaps just to see him, and when his eyes raise to meet mine, his smile melts me. And he'll hold me like he's never going to let go - and I know he won't. Maybe take his hand and walk through the French doors, into the cool evening air... it doesn't matter where we go, and we don't need to say a word, just as long as we're together.

*

I can see it all so vividly, my house full of love. It's all I've ever wanted, and it will be exactly what I have. Seems all this other stuff is just a build-up.

.

I just have to make sure my actions today allow for my dreams to come true tomorrow.

If this wasn't what I meant
- A wall
No space for my hole
- At all
Legs too weak to climb over

If clouds fall on
- My head
And slipping on rain, crawl
- Onto the carpet
In your hall
Hit my head on that damn wall

Stumble
Drool
Timber
Ashes
Smoke
Cinders

Please don't pretend it's all I ever need rake this soil plant this seed we don't get what we want we get what we need they take it all away and we wait long nights for break of day with no sleep no fucking sleep but god help me i still can't weep.

"He says everything about you is sexy - your smile and all... and he's asking how I'm not attracted to you. So I said I am attracted to you, but I try not to look at you that way, 'cause I have a girlfriend. And if I looked at you that way it'd make me want you."

The same drama over again
And I, play different roles
I'm just waiting for this one to play out

Of lies and deceit

He doesn't love you

You're just a replacement

Just another face to

Fill the hole she doesn't

It's pretend

Why walk when you can run?
Why keep quiet when you can talk?

And why have a casual relationship...when you can fall in love?

Misplaced tears

Suppressed fears

Wet in the rain.

Just the tears, no associated emotions
Misplaced, at the wrong time, wrong event, no event
Why do I feel so numb?

*

*

"A broken promise,

I was not honest,

Now I watch as tables turn,

And you're singing

-I'll wait my turn,

To tear inside you,

Watch you burn,

I'll wait my turn,

I'll wait my turn."

-Placebo

It isn't enough.

For you I trust - my morals put to the test
I cry - for this put to rest
And maintain that rain falls to change the pattern

I surrender - my heart, lungs, kidneys
Swallow you whole and let you wash right through me

I can't remember - how the sun tastes
Or my fingers through your hair
I pace lonely corridors in my dreams - you are not there

Submerge myself in this blood just to keep these words flowing
And self-medicate - to keep you from knowing

Because you can't know.

If we weren't what we thought we were

If we weren't anything at all

If this was built on lies

Why are we so scared of this fall

Walking away, again. The hardest thing. It should be, but I'm still numb inside - from the alcohol? - I'm not proud. I'm doomed to be alone because I cannot trust anyone who makes the same promises to me that I could not keep for others. I feel dead, but this internal morning isn't for my doomed soul. It's for losing what I gave so much of myself to keep.

Enough is enough. I will not be lied to.

When I give another more self respect than I give myself, something has to give. Maybe it's love yes.

I love you more than life itself.

It's silly. I don't need Love anymore. Actually, love - it doesn't deserve the capital letter. I am going to make myself scared again. So I can wait. It's too much, too much of a risk. I don't need it when I'm outcomes focused and it can't end well. I need something permanent right now. Anything permanent, because I feel as though my life were a ship on water, constantly moving even when moored. And I can't get off.

I feel sick with the thought of it. But I know I am strong enough to walk away this time. I only wonder briefly if you will try save this, and if you don't, your reasons for giving up? Beyond this vague curiousity, nothing. No tears yet. No tears, for me. I've been crying at every pathetic soap and lame American drama that I have set eyes upon in the last month, but no tears for ths goodbye because you have killed it. You killed it and you don't feel it. I don't feel your feelings anymore - either that or there are none - but it would not be a surprise because I can't even feel my own.

Looking back, reading from years before I see that history has repeated itself. Guess I learn my lessons the hard way, twice.

Seems I exhausted all my options. Maybe the elders were right. Maybe the tarot were right. Maybe just about everyone and everything was right, and I was wrong. Wrong, horribly wrong. I refuse to think about the possibility of just me being right,and everyone else mistaken; I can't regret this tomorrow. I won't.

.

If I don't have trust, there's nothing left.

.

There's nothing left.

***

For so long you danced by the crevice in my mind,

where one more wrong step was your fall

I guess you fell

.

Drink up beautiful

I spiked your cup with angst and a heart attack

Cause I've got so much trapped

And it's all because of you

So I figured you might like some back.

.

But when I see her

I'll tell her what's been on my mind

All these sleepless nights.

She'll recite her excuses

I'll put my tail between these legs of mine

Like I do all the time.

.

I can't live my life, knowing you'll be in his arms

Each time I blink my eyes.

I know what goes on behind my back

Every night

I'm afraid I'll never leave

Afraid I'll never know what's good for me.

.

And now you say that, you say you love me.

Well I may have your heart, but he has your body.

And now you swear that you're being honest,

But you're not honest, you never could be.

.

Bayside - Don't call me Peanut

I tried

.

You lied

.

Goodbye.