If we weren't what we thought we were

If we weren't anything at all

If this was built on lies

Why are we so scared of this fall

Walking away, again. The hardest thing. It should be, but I'm still numb inside - from the alcohol? - I'm not proud. I'm doomed to be alone because I cannot trust anyone who makes the same promises to me that I could not keep for others. I feel dead, but this internal morning isn't for my doomed soul. It's for losing what I gave so much of myself to keep.

Enough is enough. I will not be lied to.

When I give another more self respect than I give myself, something has to give. Maybe it's love yes.

I love you more than life itself.

It's silly. I don't need Love anymore. Actually, love - it doesn't deserve the capital letter. I am going to make myself scared again. So I can wait. It's too much, too much of a risk. I don't need it when I'm outcomes focused and it can't end well. I need something permanent right now. Anything permanent, because I feel as though my life were a ship on water, constantly moving even when moored. And I can't get off.

I feel sick with the thought of it. But I know I am strong enough to walk away this time. I only wonder briefly if you will try save this, and if you don't, your reasons for giving up? Beyond this vague curiousity, nothing. No tears yet. No tears, for me. I've been crying at every pathetic soap and lame American drama that I have set eyes upon in the last month, but no tears for ths goodbye because you have killed it. You killed it and you don't feel it. I don't feel your feelings anymore - either that or there are none - but it would not be a surprise because I can't even feel my own.

Looking back, reading from years before I see that history has repeated itself. Guess I learn my lessons the hard way, twice.

Seems I exhausted all my options. Maybe the elders were right. Maybe the tarot were right. Maybe just about everyone and everything was right, and I was wrong. Wrong, horribly wrong. I refuse to think about the possibility of just me being right,and everyone else mistaken; I can't regret this tomorrow. I won't.

.

If I don't have trust, there's nothing left.

.

There's nothing left.

***

For so long you danced by the crevice in my mind,

where one more wrong step was your fall

I guess you fell

.

Drink up beautiful

I spiked your cup with angst and a heart attack

Cause I've got so much trapped

And it's all because of you

So I figured you might like some back.

.

But when I see her

I'll tell her what's been on my mind

All these sleepless nights.

She'll recite her excuses

I'll put my tail between these legs of mine

Like I do all the time.

.

I can't live my life, knowing you'll be in his arms

Each time I blink my eyes.

I know what goes on behind my back

Every night

I'm afraid I'll never leave

Afraid I'll never know what's good for me.

.

And now you say that, you say you love me.

Well I may have your heart, but he has your body.

And now you swear that you're being honest,

But you're not honest, you never could be.

.

Bayside - Don't call me Peanut