The afamed grey louries!

Their highest nest.
You can't see them all that well through the leaves. There are about 4 nesting! I didn't want to get tooo close in case I scared them away! I will keep trying to get better photos though.
They are quite big, as big as the tip of your middle finger to your elbow maybe. Their call is pretty amazing, well all of the birds' in our gardens calls are!

This is the tree, close up. You can see why they nest here (protection). They also eat the leaves.
These are two of the nests they have made!

A nursery rhyme in A-minor

"It's raining, it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed, and bumped his
head
And couldn't get up in the
morning
Na na na boo boooo"

Oh it's been overcast all day, but I dived in the pool and it was so warm I couldn't believe it. I have this theory that the water's warmer if you don't touch it, just dive right in. Kinda like my theory on life, I guess.

Good things never last, though (nothing ever does so that's kind of an irrelevant thing to say), so after a good fifteen minutes or so we heard the thunder-claps in the distance.

So I got out, and went to shower.

Some grey parrot things are nesting in our thorn tree, much to the supreme delight of the whole family. My sister says they're African Grey Louries, or something like that - I'll have to check.

When I came out the shower it was pouring. No exaggerations. Or should I say it is pouring - I only came out the shower ten minutes ago.

My heart is aching for the birdies.

Another maybe to throw on the pile

"Watching the days burn out like a cigarette
Just a few drags to go..."

I don't wear a watch - I can't stand to watch my life tick away. Second. by second. by painstaking second.

The sun rose in the morning - now it's setting and nothing much happened in between. I'm always saying 'maybe tomorrow', but tomorrow comes and goes and nothing changes. Sometimes I get so neurotic, it feels like my life is slipping away like water in my fingers - and there's nothing I can do to hold on to it.

"So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home"

It's all very well saying 'maybe tomorrow', but today was a tomorrow, and tomorrow not going to be any different... or is it?

I hate being pessimistic.

Goodbye

You're gone.

And the wind whistles through the hole you left in my heart - a piece of it will always remain with you. Maybe I give my heart away too easily? - only pieces of it, you see.

"Pieces of me you've never seen"

It doesn't really matter who goes, the pain is always the same.
I don't know how much heart I have left to give to people like you who just take it and run. Why do they always go? (Nothing is forever, my child.)

"Broken-hearted and still unaware"

It seems that goodbye is the hardest word to swallow.

Fortune telling for the wise

Fal-e-Hafez

There's a Persian tradition that I adore, and I only wish I could read Farsi so I could do it with the proper Hafez book we have. But I can't, so for now the internet will have to do...to explain the tradition I will quote direct from the website:

"In the Persian tradition, whenever one faces a difficulty or a fork in the road, Or even if one has a general question in mind, one would hold that question in mind, and then ask the Oracle of Shiraz Hafiz for guidance.
More often than not,Hafiz, in his own enigmatic way would sing to the questioner and through the song, would get the questioner to look in the mirror of his/her soul.

Upon reflection in the mirror of Hafiz's Ghazal one would be inspired with an answer, a guidance or a direction.
Traditionally, the first line upon which the eyes of the reader fall, would give the answer to the direct question, and the rest of the Ghazal would give further clarification."

Try it for yourself if you so desire: http://www.hafizonlove.com/fal.htm

I did hold a question in my mind (to do with success socially and academically at university) and my answer was thus: It was surprisingly apt.

Ghazal 177

'Not every painted face has charm
Not every mirror maker, Alexander can disarm
Not everyone upon a throne who puts on a crown
Knows the ways of ruling over farm and town.
Like beggars serve not for the alms
Master keeps his servants in good form.
I submit to the will of the weal maker,
Alchemist beggar, lead into gold can transform.
Faith and loyalty are good, if you can learn
Else you must weather tyranny’s storm.
I was brokenhearted and still unaware;
For children of men, angel is the norm.
A point much finer than a strand of hair,
The unshaven hair is not a Dervish’s uniform.
All the world revolves around your mole
It takes a gem to know a gem, a worm, a worm.
Whoever charismatically becomes the king
Will rule the world if with fairness keep away harm.
The poetry of Hafiz can only inform
He whose heart and speech is kind and warm.'

What does it say to me? Well it is very much up to your own interpretation. I would be most interested to see how other people interpret this poem, and if other people find answers to their own questions in these poems!

To me though, it says:

Not every painted face has charm - just because a person looks nice, or is dressed well, or indeed, is pretty, does not mean they are a nice/good person. This is so true in uni - often the nicest made up people are the shallowest.

Not everyone upon a throne who puts on a crown/Knows the ways of ruling over farm and town. Material objects mean nothing, and there are posers in this world - but they are only that, posers. They will never be that which they pretend to be.

Faith and loyalty are good, if you can learn. I took this as: it's all very well to believe in God, or whatver but if you are not going to learn anything from it then you are wasting your time. The most important thing out of faith and learning is learning.

It takes a gem to know a gem - don't expect people who are not like you to appreciate you for what you are.

Whoever charismatically becomes the king/Will rule the world if with fairness keep away harm. - you must win people over with your personality, and you must be fair.

The poetry of Hafiz can only inform/He whose heart and speech is kind and warm - people whose 'heart and speech' is not 'kind and warm' will not take advice from these words, as they are unable to take advice/stubborn.

Those things you think but never end up saying

I've been wanting to post for a while, but I didn't want to make a half-hearted attempt, so I've kept putting it off till I'm a) not tired b) not busy c) not distracted and d) in the right frame of mind.

No worries, I'm there now. So brace yourself this might be a long one. I'll chapter it so you can skim read - (I'm not gonna pretend I don't do it...)

My dream (ref prev. post)

I did look it up in my dream book. I found nothing of significance...

Drugs - a dream influenced by a subconcious knowledge of the need

Feelings in dreams - may well be that these feelings are repressed

4 - stability, status quo, the four seasons, the four elements being an essential part of the world as we know it to be

An old Persian saying shared with me by my grandfather recently - (translated)

'If a fool throws a stone into a well, a hundred wise men can't get it out.
Why then should a wise man give a fool a stone to throw.'

What it means is:

* One small action can have dire consequences
* You, who understands, should not give ammo to those who are innocent of knowledge
* Certain actions cannot be undone, so it is best not to do them in the first place

He also said to me - everything is temporary, nothing really belongs to us. We live on this earth and while we live here we use certain things, borrowing them for the time that we live. We claim we own land, buildings, cars... land will be passed on to others, buildings demolished, cars do not last forever. Nothing does.

Musings on a childhood passed

Life is so simple for little kids - it's so easy to make them happy. Just make them laugh (yes, that's surprisingly easy too!), buy them something, distract them and they will forget their worries (for good) , employ their curiousity...

Why can't we fix our problems like that?

Lyrics that popped into my head this week for unknown reasons:

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special..

Once bitten, twice shy.
I keep my distance,
But you still catch my eye..."

'Last Christmas' - WHAM

Vday (without fanfare, hearts, exclamations)

I don't believe, or not believe in it. I'm not for it, I'm not against it. I officially don't have a standing on Vday.

I refused to spend the day mourning the fact that I am not in love, have never been in love and do not see love coming any time soon.

I also got locked out the house, went to a car showroom, went shopping...not in that specific order...hey, I'll be damned if I even saw a male on Vday! (probably all out with their girlfriends, yeh that makes sense)

'Fortune cookies always wrong' (yes, Aristocats)

I had a fortune cookie and it said something about opportunites being abound in all spheres of life. Sounds right. I dunno, i put it in my pocket so it wouldn't get lost, and it got lost (duh). Well it went in the wash or something. I dunno, and I'm loathe to go find it (for what?)

I think the fortune cookie was stale though (it was soft). But it tasted nice anyway, so go figure.

Wrapping up (this post, not myself)

I had another whole long 'chapter' here - but I knew no-one would last out that long so I have saved it for a rainy day (by the looks of the sky my next post)

So here's one of my fave poems (I only have about 100 or so)

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

JRR Tolkien, in case you didn't know.

Over and out fellow bloggers! Love to all, esp those who didn't get any on Vday (count me in)

I saw in my sleep

I dreamt last night.

It was really weird, 'cause usually dreams are an extension of my daily life, a mish-mosh of things I've heard/done/seen/talked about in the day.

Less often I get dreams about what I'm thinking about, but haven't talked about/heard about/wrote about during the day.

But never before have I had a dream quite like this one....

Before I go on, you must know this: I hate cigarettes. It hurts me when people i love smoke. I fought with my Dad for years till he finally gave up. I just can't understand how a person can care so little about living that they would do something that they know is killing them. Some, well most, of my friends smoke, and I hate it. I also have a very addictive personality, which is why I will never try a cigarette, 'cause I know that 99% I will be addicted.

So let me get to the point:

I go into some kind of supermarket and buy cigarettes. I don't know how many boxes but I didn't have an intention of smoking much so I would guess one or two boxes? So as the days go by now and again I slip out of the house for a sneaky smoke (all alone). But I don't actually feel guilty, which is unusual. And all the time I'm smoking I'm thinking of the tar sinking down into my lugs, and it's BLACK, sticky. I'm thinking, "God that's 3 minutes off my life" but then I reassure myself- I'm not gonna have many, only one every couple of days. Then I think 'But that's what all the nicotine addicts say'.

All this time I'm smoking and thinking, I'm just doing it for the sake of it. It feels good, but not enjoyable. And I know I'm not addicted. It's just this warm relaxing feeling when I suck on the cigarette, but it's more to do with the fact that I'm outside, alone, thinking and less to do with the cigarette itself.

So this dream takes place over, say, a week. So near the end of the week my brother comes into my room and sees two boxes of cigarettes on the side. I hadn't even bothered to hide them. Weird and totally unlikely. At this point in the dream i knew I had a total of 4 boxes of cigarettes. I don't know how i knew that, oo why the number 4 is significant though. So my brother takes the boxes and runs around the house, threatening to tell my dad. I chase him, knowing he's only threatening to irritate me yet scared that he might tell. I'm more irritated at him than scared at getting found out though, which is also strange. So we run around and my dad shouts at us for running around and shouting. Then my dad says to my bro- 'whatever you have of hers give it back. now' Then my brother says...'but dad, it's cigarettes!' now the weirdest thing of all- my dad says 'i don't care, she can smoke one every now and again if she wants' I am shocked (in my dream)

Like I said, weird. I wonder what it means?

I can escape everything but my thoughts.

I'm sittin here tyring to sort out my notes and papers from the past week's lectures, trying to ignore the ever-increasing pain in my back and trying not to let my mind wander.

I read a blog the other day about wanting to blog about things but then forgetting... and that is so typical of me. My memory is like a sieve. But I love sitting here next to my open window listening to the last fat raindrops 'plop' on the grass. And the fan's whirring because I'm scared I'll get hot while I sleep, and I am loathe to rise from my bed in the middle of the night to switch the switch. So I can feel two breezes, one on the back of my neck... hitting my exposed back in waves; and the other fresher, colder one hitting the left of my body from the dark expanse beyond my open window.

I don't feel like working. Least of all the accounting that I have to do. But then again I never feel like accounting. Still, I really don't think I'll do it tonight. I just can't see it happening, or I wouldn't be typing away happily right now. There's a Farsi word for what I'm feeling right now- 'bikhial'. His English counterparts can't quite catch the nonchalance of him. It means... who cares? but much more subtly, almost like 'never mind' or 'forget about it'. Something along those lines.

My thoughts are in the Middle East. Why must innocent people die? I wonder how the number of people the so-called 'terrorists' have killed compares to the number of innocent Iraqi people - children, women, men - killed by the Amercian/etc troops. It lays heavy on my heart. How many more people have to die before the world sees some sense. And why is religion- in it's very essence created to unify and pacify the people of the world- the driving force behind so many unwarranted deaths. Who will pay? I don't want to.

I can't belive that the world is so big, cruel, unfair, ruthless... because sititng here tonight I am peaceful - save my thoughts. I can't escape my tormented thoughts, and I feel guilty because innocent people die at the hands of other humans, and because I'm a human, and because there's nothing, nothing I can do.

I don't know what life is. And I don't believe in an afterlife. But I know that people will suffer for the wrong they have done, That's the way the world works. I believe that, or at least I dearly want to.

I hope the sun comes out tommorow. It's not fair for it to rain while my lil cousin is over from the UK looking for some sun. I like that phrase: "it's not fair". Because nothing ever is, is it? It's amazing the number of times you will hear that phrase come out of childrens' mouths. But never out of adults. It's also amazing how often that phrase rolls through my mind. I wonder how often other people think that. I wish I could read people's minds.

Yeah, I wonder if other people think these thoughts. Or how many people think them, or how often... I wish I knew. But I wish too many things. And I'm the Queen of maybe's.

I met another girl at uni who thought I was in my 2nd/3rd yr. She said I came across as 'knowledgeable'. She had been speaking to me for less than 3 minutes. This is getting weird and I don't know if I believe in coincidence...Maybe I am different. Ya see? - there I go starting with the maybes again! But I can't help doubting. And I can't stop the endless questions running through my mind. I swear I'm like a toddler: the quintessential "why?" forever upon my lips.

I see the name of this blog is not in vain. I am rambling, but that's okay because no solid person will listen, so I will pour the overflows of my confused mind into this blog, for I cannot keep it all inside and my mind is forever working overtime.

I guess carrying on with my work will be in vain now. I have successfully lured my mind away from the confines of university and into the dark abyss of the world in which we live- there is no saving me tonight. I'll surf some blogs until my back aches so much I am forced to retreat to bed, head down, tail between my legs. Oh I'm a glutton for punishment.

What do you see when you look me...PART 2

Walking through uni and sitting waiting around, you get plenty of time to
look at people and you get to notice certain things

People differ so much, subconciously (well, mostly). I always wonder where I stand in this unsaid, assumed hierarchy of people.

Some people are just cool without making any effort.

Some people are just geeky and always alone, I wonder if they don't mind being alone, or if they're just used to it?

Somewhere between the two you have the ones upon whose faces you will spot the tentative beginnings of a smile that soon disappears if not returned.

Closer to the geeky side you have the posers- the ones who stand around sucking on a cigarette for want of something better to do with their hands and because they don't want to look alone. Look closer you will see their prematurely aged face- pock-marked and wrinkled from a lifetime of trying to fit into a level that they just don't fit into.

This hierarchy is evident. For example: It's so much easier to talk to people lower on the scale of 'coolness' than you. It all sounds so high school but there it is and that's how I perceive it to be.

It's all based on attractiveness. Well mostly anyway. When you see a 'pretty/cool' person hanging around with a 'unattractive/geeky' person then you assume they have low self-confidence.

And where do I fit in? Me... well I get the general gist that I'm one of those unnapprochable people. Isn't it funny how the exterior can differ so much from the interior? It seems I exude a (false?) air of confidence- one of a twenty-something yr old. despite the fact that I am one of the youngest people in the uni at 17yrs old, and the youngest looking (or so I thought) I have been asked whether I am a third yr student, and have had exclamations of "OH! I thought you were twenty-something" when I have let slip that I am only 17. I dunno though.. is this good or bad?

Beauty comes with it's own pricetag though - shallowness. Or most of the time, anyway. Shallow people cling togther... maybe that explains the 'cool/uncool' friend phenomenon?

That's how it is and sometimes the truth is not nice to hear. But truth conquers all (ha now I'm a real Law student) so there we go. I tell it like it is.

What do you see... when you look at me?

"What do you see, when you look at me?
Do you take me for a fool?
this fool is through"

This Ride- THE STARTING LINE

I wouldn't mind knowing what people thought of me. But then again sometimes not knowing these things is safer, the last thing we need is more insecurity! Did I just contradict myself? Aah well, I meant both things. I mean, if we knew what people thought of us we could adjust ourselves accordingly. If we wanted to...

I don't mean compromise who we are. I mean things we might want to change but never really noticed. Like "what not to wear", but on more levels.

I could say I don't really care what people think of me, but I don't think that would be very true. 'Cause I think everyone cares to some extent. And I don't want people to think bad of me, even though I want them to accept me for who I am. Oh dear, I don't think I'm making much sense today.

I suppose that's why people go and post their photos up on the net- to see what other people think of them. Without the repurcussions. Yeah, getting dissed on the Net is bad but it doesn't compare to real life. Everything in cyber-life can be taken with a pinch of salt. It's not here and now- it's not solid so you can forget about it easier.

It's like our whole lives revolve around fitting in and not getting rejected, 'cause we're all running scared and reluctant to get hurt.

All comments welcome, as usual.

that's me...for the sole purpose of adding to my profile 'cause it looked empty there with a big gaping hole...