I'm sittin here tyring to sort out my notes and papers from the past week's lectures, trying to ignore the ever-increasing pain in my back and trying not to let my mind wander.
I read a blog the other day about wanting to blog about things but then forgetting... and that is so typical of me. My memory is like a sieve. But I love sitting here next to my open window listening to the last fat raindrops 'plop' on the grass. And the fan's whirring because I'm scared I'll get hot while I sleep, and I am loathe to rise from my bed in the middle of the night to switch the switch. So I can feel two breezes, one on the back of my neck... hitting my exposed back in waves; and the other fresher, colder one hitting the left of my body from the dark expanse beyond my open window.
I don't feel like working. Least of all the accounting that I have to do. But then again I never feel like accounting. Still, I really don't think I'll do it tonight. I just can't see it happening, or I wouldn't be typing away happily right now. There's a Farsi word for what I'm feeling right now- 'bikhial'. His English counterparts can't quite catch the nonchalance of him. It means... who cares? but much more subtly, almost like 'never mind' or 'forget about it'. Something along those lines.
My thoughts are in the Middle East. Why must innocent people die? I wonder how the number of people the so-called 'terrorists' have killed compares to the number of innocent Iraqi people - children, women, men - killed by the Amercian/etc troops. It lays heavy on my heart. How many more people have to die before the world sees some sense. And why is religion- in it's very essence created to unify and pacify the people of the world- the driving force behind so many unwarranted deaths. Who will pay? I don't want to.
I can't belive that the world is so big, cruel, unfair, ruthless... because sititng here tonight I am peaceful - save my thoughts. I can't escape my tormented thoughts, and I feel guilty because innocent people die at the hands of other humans, and because I'm a human, and because there's nothing, nothing I can do.
I don't know what life is. And I don't believe in an afterlife. But I know that people will suffer for the wrong they have done, That's the way the world works. I believe that, or at least I dearly want to.
I hope the sun comes out tommorow. It's not fair for it to rain while my lil cousin is over from the UK looking for some sun. I like that phrase: "it's not fair". Because nothing ever is, is it? It's amazing the number of times you will hear that phrase come out of childrens' mouths. But never out of adults. It's also amazing how often that phrase rolls through my mind. I wonder how often other people think that. I wish I could read people's minds.
Yeah, I wonder if other people think these thoughts. Or how many people think them, or how often... I wish I knew. But I wish too many things. And I'm the Queen of maybe's.
I met another girl at uni who thought I was in my 2nd/3rd yr. She said I came across as 'knowledgeable'. She had been speaking to me for less than 3 minutes. This is getting weird and I don't know if I believe in coincidence...Maybe I am different. Ya see? - there I go starting with the maybes again! But I can't help doubting. And I can't stop the endless questions running through my mind. I swear I'm like a toddler: the quintessential "why?" forever upon my lips.
I see the name of this blog is not in vain. I am rambling, but that's okay because no solid person will listen, so I will pour the overflows of my confused mind into this blog, for I cannot keep it all inside and my mind is forever working overtime.
I guess carrying on with my work will be in vain now. I have successfully lured my mind away from the confines of university and into the dark abyss of the world in which we live- there is no saving me tonight. I'll surf some blogs until my back aches so much I am forced to retreat to bed, head down, tail between my legs. Oh I'm a glutton for punishment.
12 comments:
Ah the mental merry-go-round. The unfairness of it all.
It's unfair because it's real. Just look to the animal kingdom, you only get one chance to screw up there. One misstep and you're somebody elses happy meal.
At least we as people have the ability to change, to think, to question our motivations. There are those who are stifled by poverty, ignorance and oppression, often their only expression is anger.
What esle are they allowed to feel?
This was a great post. I'm sure many will think that your thoughts are completely normal, since many of us do have the same thoughts. I always think about our troops and all the misery they are going thru. I imagine their families glued to CNN wondering about the well being of their sons/daughters/husbands/wives/cousins/friends serving over there.
yeah, if only life was as simple for us as it was for the animals. I don't know if the intelligence of humans is a curse or a blessing, to be honest.
thanks angel jr. and thanks for the reassurance, gosh, i often think i'm out of my mind...
Hi my deat Leila,
A few random thoughts your great post has awoken.
- It still isn't fair. Maybe we stop saying it because we know no-one's listening. We grow up to find life isn't fair, the bad guys win in the end, the greedy keep their money, the obnoxious get their way. One day the revolution will come. I hope.
- Doubt is good. Doubt makes you different from the other sheep. Always doubt. "Why should I say baaah?"
- You are different. That's your blessing, your curse. Life may be easier when you're boring, stupid, uninteresting. But who wants the easy road at that price?
Now your mission is this: make a difference. You can, you will.
yet again, thank you faltenin!
how do you always make everything seem right?
i for one certainly don't want the easy road at that price...
In war, many must die to save others. I really doubt Sadam was planning any attacks on the U.S. who knows for sure.
it's difficult to change the world - maybe you should just be an island of peace. do you think that's possible?
hi chinna- i think it is possible for some- it means sureendering and admitting that you cn do nothing active. but if that's what everyone says the world will never get changed?
big ben- i think war is uneccessary, i really do
hi mudassar- you're right we do!
Thanks for dropping by my blog.
You had a lot to say. Don't get cynical, and always believe you can make a difference in this world. You're young, you're smart. You can make a difference if you believe you can.
As for life being unfair, the universe is unfair. Think of the rabbit. Does the rabbit have time to think about how unfair life is? No, when the wolf comes, he runs and hides and hopes the wolf doesn't find him.
Humans think too much and don't live enough.
I am as confused as you are Laila. I don't understand why all the majority of good in this world cnnot contain evil done by so few.
No religion advocates violence. I have my own problems with faith.
The word in Urdu is bekhyaal, 'bekhayaali mei kuch keh gaya. there's no exact translation, roughly means I spoke without thinking. but its miles away from what the sentence means, Urdu and Farsi are sisters. Urdu is mostly derived from Farsi then comes Arabic and some Sanskrit.
I am not surprised with your expressing in the most poetic manner, Farsi perhaps being your language. I can't say I enjoyed reading your post because you have expressed so much pain in it.
Its a beautiful write up.
the zombieslayer- hi! i know i seem cynical, but i'm actually a really happy optimistic person. i know it's hard to believe- but that's why i get these thoughts out on my blog and elsewhere- so they don't consume me! and like i said- i don't know if intelligence is a curse or a blessing...
rauf- farsi is not actually my first language, english is, but i do speak some farsi in order to speak to my relatives and it is, like Urdu a most beautiful and poetic language! i am aware that no religion (or none that i know of) advocates violence - maybe i have expressed myself incorrectly i did not mean to incinuate this. thank you though! and thanks for taking the time to read and comment
the reason the world is in such a sorry state is because people quit asking "why". "Why" is how we learn.
In America in the 60's, the hippies had a saying. "Question authority. Hell, question EVERYTHING!"
How much better a place would this be if people did just that?
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